Need urgent marital help/advice

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mamof_7

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Hello, Not sure were to start as this is going to be long. June 2013 my husband suffered a heart attack, thankfully due to major heart surgery he survived. Since then he has spent the last two years to and from hospital having stents put in as he has a problem with scarring on his arteries which start to scar up as soon as a new procedure is done. This means he usually needs to have more keyhole surgery roughly every 4-5 months to unblock the scarred arteries, he also has a problem called refractory angina ( basically daily angina pain ). He is 0nly 49 yrs old ( i am 47) and we have been married 27yrs and have had 7 children. what i am struggling most with is our lack of intimacy in our relationship. I have no doubt he loves me very much but he doesnt seem to have any need for an intimate relationship anymore. This is breaking my heart as this has just got worse in the last year ( its actually a year since we last made love) he wont talk about things and refusing to seek any help. He takes a lot of heart medication which i know can cause problems, but he wont even talk to his doctor to see if there are alternatives. So sorry but i really dont know what to do and am feeling really depressed about the situation. We live in the UK.

Anne-marie
 
I would make a guess that he is fearful of having intimate relations as such can be stressful on the heart. That is just my opinion, but do speak to his Dr. about it. Prayers for you and your husband.
 
He is undergoing pretty intense physical health issues. I don’t think it is that uncommon to lose sex drive because of this. Of course you should talk to your doctor but it is possible that his sex drive may not return to where it was before.

My wife has had similar issues due to non physical reasons. There have been more years without sexual connection in our marriage than with. It can be done with Gods help.
 
what a wonderful opportunity you have to prove to your children that love does not have to include sex!

I would guess he is not well enough to have sex right now - whether that is true or not, it is how he feels.
 
mamof 7- as an RN I have seen post cardiac event patients slip into a deep depression. Many open heart patients suffer from depressive states as well. There is also fear as well based on the avoidance of intimacy. Someone else brought this up here.
Intimacy has a whole range from holding hands during a walk, being together watching a movie, cooking together a special meal, to more physical contact all the way to sexual intimacy. Your post states that your husband is reluctant to discuss this with his physician.
Being supportive in the non physical intimacy aspects and re-establishing non physical initmacy would be the first step. Searching for a counselor/psychologist who specializes in emotional mental injury related to a physical ailment would be another step to take.
My experience with many diseases is that there is a strong emotional context with a physical disease. I have found many cardiac patients very closed emotionally, angry internally-all that energy attacks the heart. Ulcer patients as well-bleeding ulcers, closed feelings, repressed anger, taking it all in which affects the heart and also the gastric system. I have also found emotional changes as well with cardiac patients-the heart is central, critical to life and facing injury to that most central part of oneself brings about a confrontation with one’s own mortality as well.
Your problem has a solution! There are excellent professionals out there who can help your husband heal. I will also send prayers up as well.
 
Thank you for your advice everyone. Big problem i have is my husband wont discuss anything with me, let alone professionals. I feel utterly at a lose as to what to do. we are very involved with our church community and as i have said he does love me, but i really feel the longer this is left the worse it will become. I dont want to sound selfish but i really do worry i am resigned to having to spend the rest of my married life celibate. So sorry but this is really upsetting me.

Anne-marie
 
It is selfish but its the kind anyone would feel. You will need time to mature. Love has to trancend these kinds of problems or it isnt love. Like I said the same thing happened to me but at a MUCH earlier age. I have been given the gift of celibacy and you have also at least for now.

You need to have compassion for his inability to talk to you about it. You may be the one that needs counceling but it has to be with someone who understands Christian marriage. You need to work on you and not be so focused on him and his problems. This is a chance to grow in a deeper love-- and it may be a love only God can bring you towards.
 
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