Need your advice

[NeedAdvice12345]

Hi,

Let me explain my situation first.

I have mother that has 98% invalidity. She needs help with everyday things, like making he coffee, making her something to eat, helping her exercise, helping her to go to bed…
My father works in shifts, and when he is not on work he is taking care of her.
Me and my sister are students, both are going to get degrees in next 2 years.
I have a girlfriend that i love, and plan is to get married when i get my masters degree.
We don’t talk much in my family.

Things are done the way my parents want to, but now i feel its no longer possible.
Since I’m near the end of my education, I need to start thinking about my future.

And that is the problem. I don’t know what to do.

I need to find a job. What if i get job offer from another country (likely scenario)
Should I accept it, or not?
If not.
I would be able to help my parents in person.
If yes.
I would be able to help them with money. But I would not be there.

I need to get married. Should I move out of my parents house?
If not.
What if my wife and my parents would not get along too well, or what if my wife starts to feel neglected? What if they start to force their way of doing things on her?
What if my wife wants to move?
If yes.
How can I leave all the burden on my fathers back? How can i live a normal life when they have to suffer?

I don’t see the right move here

 

[KrazyKat]

If you get married before you complete your education you should definitely get your own place before you do. Why burden your parents with the both of you? Have you considered
that you have been their burden for years ?

Your father is quite capable of making decisions whether he needs to hire help when needed.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

Hi,

Let me explain my situation first.

I have mother that has 98% invalidity. She needs help with everyday things, like making he coffee, making her something to eat, helping her exercise, helping her to go to bed…
My father works in shifts, and when he is not on work he is taking care of her.
Me and my sister are students, both are going to get degrees in next 2 years.
I have a girlfriend that i love, and plan is to get married when i get my masters degree.
We don’t talk much in my family.

Things are done the way my parents want to, but now i feel its no longer possible.
Since I’m near the end of my education, I need to start thinking about my future.

And that is the problem. I don’t know what to do.

I need to find a job. What if i get job offer from another country (likely scenario)
Should I accept it, or not?
If not.
I would be able to help my parents in person.
If yes.
I would be able to help them with money. But I would not be there.

I need to get married. Should I move out of my parents house?
If not.
What if my wife and my parents would not get along too well, or what if my wife starts to feel neglected? What if they start to force their way of doing things on her?
What if my wife wants to move?
If yes.
How can I leave all the burden on my fathers back? How can i live a normal life when they have to suffer?

I don’t see the right move here

Somtimes life seems a little unfair. God has given us the command to honor our Fathers and Mothers. This may mean that either you or your sister forego any personal plans for a few years so one of you can be at home and act as care giver for your Mother. It should not be entirely left on your Dad’s shoulders. Will the State you live in provide any assistance in such cases? That may be an acceptible answer. But even then I think you or your sister should remain close to home to provide moral and psychological support not only for your Mother but also for your Dad.

Linus2nd

 

[Allegra]

Have faith that God will take care of the situtation. As you go on with your life, perhaps your sisters will be able to step up more and help your mother. If it is a reasonable environment and your future wife is okay with it, perhaps she wouldn’t mind living there for a little while. I don’t see anything wrong with that if all parties agree to it.

 

[Allegra]

Somtimes life seems a little unfair. God has given us the command to honor our Fathers and Mothers. This may mean that either you or your sister forego any personal plans for a few years so one of you can be at home and act as care giver for your Mother. It should not be entirely left on your Dad’s shoulders. Will the State you live in provide any assistance in such cases? That may be an acceptible answer. But even then I think you or your sister should remain close to home to provide moral and psychological support not only for your Mother but also for your Dad.

Linus2nd

This seems like strange advice to me. What is a “few years”? For all we know, the OP’s mother may be suffering a temporary situation or she may live another thirty years without being able to walk! My mother isn’t anyone’s example of selflessness, but I don’t think even she would want, expect, or allow any of her children to forgo personal plans so that they can live with her and take care of her indefinately. That’s not what she brought us into this world for. Spliting the help among the siblings is one solution, but if that isn’t enough, then hiring help would also be a good idea.

 

[Xpher]

It looks to me a very deep and complex situation, which cannot be “solved” over a forum or letters. You might need help from people close to you, or maybe from Priest or other helpers. Explain the situation, they might be able to help more.

From what i read, doing what you plan is not really being unfillial to parents, though certain level of care should always be done to the parents, for example but not limited to: visiting them, providing them material need (money, domestic helper/nurse), calling them (if you are not staying nearby), and discuss things with them, at least your father. He should still be in good condition to discuss or give advise.

Regards,
Christopher Heru

 

[Bonnie]

First, no one can predict the future.

Second, you don’t say how old your father is. You and your sibling are in college, so he could be quite young - in his 40s - or in his 60s, or somewhere in between. To you, 60 may seem old and decrepit, but to me 60 is still relatively young.

In this modern age, no child is expected to renounce marriage and/or career to care for aging or ill parents. Tho it does seem to me that some adult children expect to be cared for indefinitely by their aging parents!

My husband and I would probably be considered ancient to you, but we are from from it. Our “baby” just moved out this week and I have one word to describe the feeling. Wheeee!

 

[Viki63]

Communication is key.
You, your sister and your parents (if your mother is able) should sit down and discuss future plans. Ask what they expect, and try to determine what they need.

i would not ask your future wife to move in with your parents; caring for an almost totally disabled mother is a full time job. Have you discussed it with her? Ideally, you would be able to get a good job and pay for a caretaker to take some of the burden off your father.

Don’t just leave it up to chance. God expects us to use our brains. Caretakers, such as your father, who is working and caretaking almost nonstop, are prone to burnout. Try to step in before he can’t continue, and provide help.

 

[Ms_Manners]

OP, are there any organizations which provide support in the community in your area? Do you qualify for support? (I am not talking about institutions, the main purpose of such support, provided in the person’s own home, is to avoid institutions.)
My mother wouldn’t want me to stay with them and give up my own life and any and all plans to take care of her, but I do know a few people who would want and expect nothing less, completely ignoring what it would mean for their children’s lives.
I tend to agree with my mother. I would work very hard to get her support and help, I would look for information and support, but I would not give up any chance of an independent,adult life. Well, yes, as a last resort, of course I would not abandon her. But I would try many other things first, and she would want me to.
Also, you might not be qualified to care for your mother in the future, she might need more help than you can provide, or different kind of help. If you wait for things to go that far before getting more information, it might be late, some organizations in my country will keep you if the condition gets worse, but they will not accept you if it already is worse.

As for your future wife, whatever you decide for yourself, I think the least you could/should do is warn the person before it gets very serious, so that she is not blinded by emotions into making a decision she would regret (and resent) later. Especially since you say that everything is done the way your parents want, it might mean much more than taking care of someone disabled.
This will sound so harsh and selfish, but it is also very personal and honest… My mother had to take care of both her mother-in-law and father-in-law for a long time (not at the same time, which made it even longer), but even before that they manipulated my father into obeying them even in matters which did not concern them. My mother realized that he would never say “no” to them when they were already married. It affected their relationship and made their marriage very difficult at times. It affected us, their children, and the way our entire family still functions. Had she known before they were married… My father was almost 60 when my grandfather died and he was finally free to run his own life. It is sad when a parent dies, but I think it might be even sadder to feel relieved and in a way liberated because of it.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I need to find a job. What if i get job offer from another country (likely scenario)
Should I accept it, or not?

Yes, accept it. Unless your parents have put enough money in your back account that you are set for life, you need to earn a living and build a resume

I need to get married. Should I move out of my parents house?

IMO everyone needs to leave their parents house at some point even if they are NOT married

What if my wife and my parents would not get along too well, or what if my wife starts to feel neglected? What if they start to force their way of doing things on her?
What if my wife wants to move?

I think all of these things will happen and I seriously doubt you will be able to keep your wife happy. And since we are playing ‘what if’, I got a good one. What if your wife’s parents insist she stays in their home? Are you and your wife going to live in different houses?

How can I leave all the burden on my fathers back? How can i live a normal life when they have to suffer?

Easy, your dad married her for better or worse, you didn’t.

I am not saying you have to totally turn your back on them, but honestly, I feel somewhat angered by this post. It is a pet peeve of mine that parents manipulate kids out of their God given right to their own life

Angie