Needing Christian Advice for Family Issue

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dee_burk

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So, I dont usually go to online sources for advice but really need a Catholic/Christian perspective.
My mother is 77 and although not diagnosed with mental illness shows many signs of it. She has become more paranoid and hateful over the past 10 or so years. She takes spells of depression where she wont come out of her house for days except to get the mail. She lives for the mail. BTW she lives in a small trailer beside our house.
She has decided that her only living sister (my sweet aunt) is greedy and money grabbing and wants everything my mom has (my mom has nothing of value…shes a hoarder). My aunt has tried to reach out and apologize for what ever she has done to upset my mom but is met with silence on the phone.
My aunt is constantly asking me what she has done to my mom and has even cried to me, its breaking her heart. I have always said its just her mental illness to please not take if personally. But she keeps insisting on knowing what is going on. I know it will hurt my aunt to be truthful but…my aunt is 70 and still cleans houses to make ends meet and she has sent her sister a birthday gift. Mom threw it on the floor, unopened and said it was trash. I picked it up and brought it home. I will return it to my aunt so she can get some money back hopefully.
Do i keep just blaming it on her mental health or tell my aunt the truth?
 
dee_burk said:
So, I dont usually go to online sources for advice but really need a Catholic/Christian perspective.
My mother is 77 and although not diagnosed with mental illness shows many signs of it. She has become more paranoid and hateful over the past 10 or so years. She takes spells of depression where she wont come out of her house for days except to get the mail. She lives for the mail. BTW she lives in a small trailer beside our house.
She has decided that her only living sister (my sweet aunt) is greedy and money grabbing and wants everything my mom has (my mom has nothing of value…shes a hoarder). My aunt has tried to reach out and apologize for what ever she has done to upset my mom but is met with silence on the phone.
My aunt is constantly asking me what she has done to my mom and has even cried to me, its breaking her heart. I have always said its just her mental illness to please not take if personally. But she keeps insisting on knowing what is going on. I know it will hurt my aunt to be truthful but…my aunt is 70 and still cleans houses to make ends meet and she has sent her sister a birthday gift. Mom threw it on the floor, unopened and said it was trash. I picked it up and brought it home. I will return it to my aunt so she can get some money back hopefully.
Do i keep just blaming it on her mental health or tell my aunt the truth?
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In all honesty, your dilemma sounds like it is best addressed by either a mental health professional, or a priest/confessor. I’m not sure posters on this forum are your best source for advise.

In charity, tough problem. It is my thought that though you love your mother, at some point you owe your aunt the truth, told gently and charitably.

Good luck

Shalom
 
I know this is difficult, but the truth is what in this case? Do you think the truth is that your mom believes what she says about your aunt, or is it the mental illness speaking?

I think that telling your aunt that mental illness makes your mom say some things she doesn’t really mean will go a long way toward making your aunt feel better. Telling her what your mom actually said will serve no purpose, so I would spare her that detail. If your aunt knows your mom is a hoarder, perhaps you can tell her that while gifts are a nice thought, they are really not necessary, and that your mom really cannot appreciate them anyway because of her mental illness. Perhaps suggest your aunt have a mass said for your mom instead, and to just celebrate a birthday or Christmas with a card and a cake or dinner at your home.

Has your mom had a checkup recently? Maybe your doctor can see if she is getting dementia or Alzheimer’s. It would be good to have a doctor’s opinion. He might be able to help, or suggest resources for you.
 
I don’t think I would tell your sister about your mom’s rejection of the gift. If you do, I might just say that your mom didn’t feel like she needed it and wanted to return it. Can you offer to take your aunt to a doctor or counselor who can explain how dementia can progress and make a person paranoid and act out of their normal behavior. Sometimes when counselling can’t help the person who’s suffering with mental illness (or decline, in this case) the next best thing is for the counselor to help the family deal with the mental illness.
 
You really, really, really need to discuss this with your mother’s doctor, because it could be one of her medications, as it was for my friend’s grandmother. But it is likely to be mental illness/dementia as you have been thinking, just worth checking out the meds angle.

Your mother sounds like she may end up in a state unable to take of her own affairs, and it sounds like it would be helpful to be able to discuss things thoroughly with her doctor, which he may be unable to do now due to patient privacy rules.

Talk with her doctor, and with your priest, and ask each of them if they have any ideas relating to how to handle the legal aspects of her future. You may need to discuss all this with a lawyer.

You may also want to find some support for yourself as well.

Start writing things down so you have a record of her deterioration when you need it. Just note her alertness, mood, things she forgets, things she gets wrong, etc. Keep all the notes in one notebook. Also make notes of all your conversations with professionals, as well as full names and contact info.
 
Seeing a mental health professional is out of the question for my mother. I suggested that about 20 years ago and was quite shocked at her response/denial. It isnt dementia or alzheimers as this has been an ongoing issue for the past 20-25 years. Although i can look back on my childhood and see bits here and there. This part was all just to set up the situation.

I am basically asking how to deal with my aunt, especially when she is crying wanting to know what she has done to have her only remaining sibling treating her like this. I have used the mental illness as an excuse so far but its getting harder to give an excuse without flat out lying or telling her the truth.
 
You’ve got to get her to physician.
Under any pretense.
The aunt will be fine.
Deal with your mother’s problem before she starts “wandering”.

I’ll say a prayer for you Dee!
 
Well, I think people are suggesting that you take her for a check up with her primary care doctor, not a mental health professional. Let him/her know your concerns beforehand.

As far as your aunt, are you really advocating telling her what your mom said and did? How is that helpful? I am assuming your aunt knows about your mom’s mental issues. No need to lie, but no need to say what your mom said either.
 
Just because it’s not Alzheimer’s or dementia doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a mental health problem. She may have even had it all her life, only she was able to deal with it (or keep it hidden) better in her younger years.

Telling your aunt the “truth” doesn’t help, especially since the truth might actually be that your mother has some kind of mental illness. Your aunt is in a better position to accept that than your mother is (I’m assuming your aunt is in full possession of her faculties) and you don’t need to be worrying about your aunt when your mother is the one who is failing.

This sounds very much like what my sister and I are going through with my 90-year-old mother now. I never know who the villain is going to be next. I’ll be praying for you.
 
Your mum is 77 . She is at an age where living in a small caravan is going to be challenging, frustrating and difficult for her. Falls, getting around, steps etc. climate control.
Thats the physical reality of caravan living. If she is also hoarding, there is clutter danger.
How long has she lived in a caravan?
As far as her mental state, hoarding has its own definitions within mental health. But quite apart from that, your mum may have had dementia/ Alzheimer’s for 20 years or so.

I agree with others posts, get your mother a doctor. Don’t bring your aunt into the picture at all.

If you trust your aunt not to repeat convos to your mum, sit down with your aunt , tell her exactly what’s going on and that you are getting a medical professional for your mum.

Just be honest with your aunt. Does your aunt live in a caravan too? If so her advancing age is going to impact on her safety and physical well being by caravan living.
 
dee_burk said:
Seeing a mental health professional is out of the question for my mother. I suggested that about 20 years ago and was quite shocked at her response/denial. It isnt dementia or alzheimers as this has been an ongoing issue for the past 20-25 years. Although i can look back on my childhood and see bits here and there. This part was all just to set up the situation.

I am basically asking how to deal with my aunt, especially when she is crying wanting to know what she has done to have her only remaining sibling treating her like this. I have used the mental illness as an excuse so far but its getting harder to give an excuse without flat out lying or telling her the truth.
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There’s no other answer except to get her the medical help she needs. Ilness is illness, and mental illness can be incredibly serious. Especially if it gets worse. It could be a sign of a physical illness. Get her help immediately. That is the only advice anyone on here can give you that is helpful.
 
Yes your mother seems to have issues , it’s an unfortunate condition many people seem to have , and many people like yourself suffer the consequences,
 
dee_burk said:
Seeing a mental health professional is out of the question for my mother. I suggested that about 20 years ago and was quite shocked at her response/denial. It isnt dementia or alzheimers as this has been an ongoing issue for the past 20-25 years. Although i can look back on my childhood and see bits here and there. This part was all just to set up the situation.

I am basically asking how to deal with my aunt, especially when she is crying wanting to know what she has done to have her only remaining sibling treating her like this. I have used the mental illness as an excuse so far but its getting harder to give an excuse without flat out lying or telling her the truth.
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There is no reason to tell your aunt the whole truth, and your mother’s having a mental illness is not “just an excuse.” The best thing to do with your aunt may be to tell her that your mother has a mental illness and is just mean to/about people, that she is very paranoid about people, and reclusive. When you explain these things to your aunt, you do not need to tell her anything specific to her, just that your mother is like that about people.

Just keep repeating that your mother has a mental illness and that your aunt didn’t cause this, didn’t do anything.

Does your aunt have any children? If not, it may be up to you to suggest to her that she see a counselor of some sort or go to a support group (often found in hospitals, at least in the US) as it sounds like she is grieving; otherwise, talk with her children and see if they can help her out.

Also, wrt your mother, talk with her regular doctor if she won’t see a counselor.
 
dee_burk said:
I am basically asking how to deal with my aunt, especially when she is crying wanting to know what she has done to have her only remaining sibling treating her like this. I have used the mental illness as an excuse so far but its getting harder to give an excuse without flat out lying or telling her the truth.
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It sounds as if the truth is that your aunt’s sister has had a mental health problem for a very long time. I don’t think you need to give the laundry list that she’s obviously a hoarder, she’s not socially all there, and so on. I’m guessing that if your mom treats her sister and her gifts that way, for instance, she isn’t just Suzy Sunshine to everyone else, either, including you.

What I’d tell your aunt is “believe me, if I knew how to get through to her, I would. I have issues with her myself. I think the thing to do is for you to be here for me and I’ll be here for you, and we survive Mom together the best we can. She is not 100% healthy, bless her heart. What part of this she chose and what part comes from a mind neither one of us would want to endure for a day, we can’t know. But we do know we love each other and when Mom hurts us we can get through it together and love her and each other together. I think that is what we have to resign ourselves to doing.”

To spare your aunt the details of things your mom does that your aunt would be hurt to see is not any offense against the truth. If something you have to say is not a kind truth but is true, sometimes saying it is still not necessary. I would say it is not necessary to say anything other than what you have been saying. That is hard enough. Shielding your aunt from details that would only make her feel worse is totally OK. Your mom does have a mental illness, and no matter what she thinks her refusal to seek treatment doesn’t change that.
 
dee_burk said:
My aunt is constantly asking me what she has done to my mom and has even cried to me, its breaking her heart.
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Perhaps setting a boundary with your Aunt? Just tell her ‘Auntie, I have no idea what you ever did to make mom distance herself from you and I honestly would prefer if you quit asking me. I know it hurts and I would love to continue our relatinship’ This is true. You know WHY your mom dislikes her, but you DON"T know what your aunt ever did to make your mom feel that way
dee_burk said:
I know it will hurt my aunt to be truthful but…my aunt is 70 and still cleans houses to make ends meet and she has sent her sister a birthday gift. Mom threw it on the floor, unopened and said it was trash. I picked it up and brought it home. I will return it to my aunt so she can get some money back hopefully.
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:eek:

How insensitive. Don’t EVER do that. It will crush your aunt. Does your aunt need to know what happened with the gift? If you are so concerned about your aunts finances, send her some money. But PLEASE don’t ever tell her what happened with the gift !
 
This might be a wild shot in the dark, but I would check to make sure that your mother isn’t suffering from any sort of physical illness that could be the root of the mental illness. Brain tumors and other diseases can have mental/emotional side effects.

EDIT:

Also, in some cases, if the person refuses mental health treatment you can get them committed. Commitment can be harsh and can damage relationships but if you fear that she might hurt herself or be dangerous to her family at any point, that is always an option available to you. Commitment is something of a last resort. I will pray for your situation and hope that it resolves itself.
 
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