Needing marital inspiration

[Nimue]

I try to be the dutiful wife. I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I make sure the kids are behaved. My husband works very hard for his family in a very stressful job. Though he is not a person that handles stress well to begin with. I work outside the home full time, but it does not carry any stress. It is truly just something to pass the time during the day - and I get paid to do it.

Because my husband doesn’t handle stress well, and I do, I opted to take on many of the stresses and tasks of daily life so as to make life more pleasant for him. He does provide 90% of the income for our family and I am very grateful - and wish to show it by respecting him in this way.

In the last year, my husband has become somewhat complacent in our marriage (I feel). He comes home, and uses the evenings to distract himself from the burdens he lives during the day. He says he wants me near him, but hardly interacts with me when I do. He tells me he loves me and appreciates me all the time (which I am also grateful for), but I’ve begun to feel so ignored for some reason.

His stress has effected our marital closeness as well, and I don’t remember the last time we had relations. I recently had our baby and I still have those extra pounds (like 30 or 40) that I am frustrated and embarrassed by. He offers kisses and hugs quite often, but they feel so empty on my part. I don’t feel connected to him anymore for some reason and it is excruciatingly painful for me. He asks me if I’m angry with him. I’m truly not. But I miss him so much. I tried explaining this to him a few days ago and he just looked at me blankly and confused. I guess it’s a me thing.

Anyway, I’ve been searching my heart for SOMETHING to inspire me to be grateful for what I do have. I want to find happiness in our life, but I married him to walk through this life together… not as roomies. He’s quite sensitive, and If I spoke this plainly to him about my feelings, I fear he would completely misunderstand and feel like I didn’t love him anymore… This is completely the opposite. I love him with all of my being, but I miss him.

As a lurker, I read something one of the other posters said… “lets change, me first”. I agree with this, and desperately want to change my attitude.

I know I need to change something in me before I can be receptive to love. But sometimes our marriage feels so one sided… like I give 90% for a few I love you’s, and then nothing. But when I look at the whole picture, I can see where his working for our family is his 90% and I feel ashamed for feeling so empty.

I dunno. I’m feeling so down and blue, I’m not even sure I’m communicating this well. Please, I need prayers, and would appreciate inspiration for those that have some.

 

[Truly_Beloved]

I’m sorry that I don’t have a lot of time (it’s getting late, where I live :yawn: ), but I wanted to post a link to this book. I love it, and I think every couple should read it.

It’s Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment To Your Mate.

amazon.com/Five-Love-Languages-Heartfelt-Commitment/dp/1881273156/ref=pd_bbs_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1222495755&sr=8-2

Also, you don’t say how old your baby is (congratulations, by the way!), but it is fairly normal to go for longer stretches of abstinence after giving birth… You have a lot of crazy hormones floating around in there, still.

I’m sure tons of other posters will give you better advice than what I’ve provided, but I hope I’ve helped in some small way.

 

[Nimue]

Thank you Truly Beloved. That does help. Our baby is 4.5 months old. I didn’t really start to feel this way OFTEN until the last 2 weeks or so, and it’s been steadily getting worse.

I will look into that book at our library. It sounds very good!

I know I still have hormones, and I guess I understand the abstinence. I just miss that love bond so much.

Thank you again, and good nite!

 

[thenewmrssears]

I second the book! We read it during our engagement, and it was absolutely wonderful. We learned so much by reading it!

 

[BamaRider]

I do poorly at these kind of threads, becasue I try to explain what works for us, and it may not for y’all because all relationships are different.

You are mother now, and y’all have a baby. That has changed the dynamics of y’alls relationship. Some men don’t deal with that very well and get lost.

It is possible your hormones are still out of balance, obviously I don’t have any first hand experience at that. I’ll let the ladies here who have been through the postmartum blues help in that area.

Lack of intimacy is something I’d discuss with him. Besides the physical release, it bonds a couple in other ways. In my years of walking the planet, I can almost always spot the couple that have healthy, active sex lives, because of the way they interact with other.

Does your husband feel good about *himself? *Is he optimistic, cheerful, and fun to be around? Heck, some folks just take things sooooooooooo seriously ALL the time.

Other then that I dunno. I tend to look at things in a basic kind of way and over simplify.

 

[monicatholic]

“lets change, me first”.

NImue, that would be me.

I agree with the suggestions of the book (it’s a good one) and I agree with Bama’s sensitive suggestion that maybe you’re not altogether ‘back’ from babyland.

and here’s my simple observation/suggestion, consistent with my mantra “let’s change. i’ll go first”:

attitudes don’t change until behaviors do. i can’t often change my attitudes and feelings but i can change my behaviors.

1. pray. pray for your marriage. pray for your husband. pray for yourself.
2. act on total self giving. total self-giving means my husband gets me, however imperfect i appear. i can’t presesnt to him a perfect-bodied wife, but i can present to him a perfectly total gift of self.
3. when together, make an inivitation. if you’re sitting together, ask him to participate in something simple, right there. bring him photos to look at together. look at golf clubs in a catalog. help you wrangle a sudoko puzzle. a game of chess. a decade of rosary. if he’s disinterested, keep praying and keep inviting.
4. pray.
5. pray.
6. change behaviors and attitudes will change.

many blessings.

 

[dianaballein]

I try to be the dutiful wife. I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I make sure the kids are behaved. My husband works very hard for his family in a very stressful job. Though he is not a person that handles stress well to begin with. I work outside the home full time, but it does not carry any stress. It is truly just something to pass the time during the day - and I get paid to do it.

Because my husband doesn’t handle stress well, and I do, I opted to take on many of the stresses and tasks of daily life so as to make life more pleasant for him. He does provide 90% of the income for our family and I am very grateful - and wish to show it by respecting him in this way.

In the last year, my husband has become somewhat complacent in our marriage (I feel). He comes home, and uses the evenings to distract himself from the burdens he lives during the day. He says he wants me near him, but hardly interacts with me when I do. He tells me he loves me and appreciates me all the time (which I am also grateful for), but I’ve begun to feel so ignored for some reason.

His stress has effected our marital closeness as well, and I don’t remember the last time we had relations. I recently had our baby and I still have those extra pounds (like 30 or 40) that I am frustrated and embarrassed by. He offers kisses and hugs quite often, but they feel so empty on my part. I don’t feel connected to him anymore for some reason and it is excruciatingly painful for me. He asks me if I’m angry with him. I’m truly not. But I miss him so much. I tried explaining this to him a few days ago and he just looked at me blankly and confused. I guess it’s a me thing.

Anyway, I’ve been searching my heart for SOMETHING to inspire me to be grateful for what I do have. I want to find happiness in our life, but I married him to walk through this life together… not as roomies. He’s quite sensitive, and If I spoke this plainly to him about my feelings, I fear he would completely misunderstand and feel like I didn’t love him anymore… This is completely the opposite. I love him with all of my being, but I miss him.

As a lurker, I read something one of the other posters said… “lets change, me first”. I agree with this, and desperately want to change my attitude.

I know I need to change something in me before I can be receptive to love. But sometimes our marriage feels so one sided… like I give 90% for a few I love you’s, and then nothing. But when I look at the whole picture, I can see where his working for our family is his 90% and I feel ashamed for feeling so empty.

I dunno. I’m feeling so down and blue, I’m not even sure I’m communicating this well. Please, I need prayers, and would appreciate inspiration for those that have some.

Reading your post is like looking in a mirror. I feel for you, so much. My husband and I have not had relations in 5 years. 5 YEARS. He tells me he loves me, but the lack of affection has caused me to question myself at times as a woman. Am I not pretty enough? Do I not do enough for him? Am I not nurturing enough? I stopped doing that a few years ago when I finally realized that I am a great person with a wonderful heart, and just as cute as ever…it was he who had stopped having the desire. It does hurt, and we no longer have that “bond” you speak of. I still respect him, and we have a great friendship and we work mutually to insure that the children have a safe and secure environment, but that is the extent of our partnership as spouses. We are, in every sense of the word, “roomies”.

Take an evening when it’s quiet, wear something pretty, smell nice, and sit down with your husband when the baby is asleep. Take his hands in yours, smile so he doesn’t feel threatened, and list all of the wonderful things he is to you ,and how grateful you are, and how much you respect and admire him. Then share what it is you need…and that as your husband, you look to him to take care of your needs just as you do his…and I will pray for you both…prayer after prayer after prayer…because the best way a man can honor the Mother of his child is to love her, really love her.

God Bless.

 

[Cat]

I would advise that you not worry about your weight or worry about your husband’s perception of your weight.

Most men could care less how big a woman is, as long as SHE thinks she is the sexiest, hottest lover in the world.

I’m serious. I weigh 245 lbs, and my husband and I have a very hot sex life. I consider myself voluptuous, curvy, soft, and responsive. He does, too.

 

[dianaballein]

I would advise that you not worry about your weight or worry about your husband’s perception of your weight.

Most men could care less how big a woman is, as long as SHE thinks she is the sexiest, hottest lover in the world.

I’m serious. I weigh 245 lbs, and my husband and I have a very hot sex life. I consider myself voluptuous, curvy, soft, and responsive. He does, too.

Very true, most men love a confident woman no matter her size. Your husband fell in love with YOU, not your dress size.

 

[Truly_Beloved]

Our baby is 4.5 months old. I didn’t really start to feel this way OFTEN until the last 2 weeks or so, and it’s been steadily getting worse.

Having a touch of Baby Blues is also very common, and can seemingly start out of nowhere… It doesn’t always happen immediately after birth.

If you find yourself getting really sad/depressed a lot, please seek help. There are things you can do that don’t require medication (if you’re nursing), and there are even medications (if the depression gets really bad) that are safe enough so that you don’t have to wean.

:hug3:

 

[BamaRider]

my husband and I have a very hot sex life. I consider myself voluptuous, curvy, soft, and responsive. He does, too.

:blushing:

 

[kage_ar]

Book suggestion, Matthew Kelly “Seven Levels of Intimacy”.

 

[Serap]

I was also thinking the same thing as other posters on this thread. You sound like you may have postpartum blues. It sometimes doesn’t come on until 6 weeks after the baby is born and can last an entire year.

Your husband may feel that your marriage is the same as before and that’s why your husband is confused. You now feel different and harmonal. Your life has changed and you don’t feel sexy. You’re no longer a sexy woman…you’re a “mom”.

I had postpartum aggression for about 3 months. I would look at my husband and get angry. Everything about him irritated me. I felt so unattractive as well.

The postpartum bitchiness lifted after about 3 months, but I still felt icky until about 6 months postpartum. I felt so “YUCK”. I had fat around my waist from breastfeeding and my chest was so heavy and I felt like Dairy Queen. My husband kept telling me I looked beautiful and he wanted to be intimate with me and even though I reciprocated, I felt removed and not into it.

My baby is now just over a year and I am completely back to normal.

I hope this helps.

 

[Nimue]

I do poorly at these kind of threads, becasue I try to explain what works for us, and it may not for y’all because all relationships are different.

You are mother now, and y’all have a baby. That has changed the dynamics of y’alls relationship. Some men don’t deal with that very well and get lost.

It is possible your hormones are still out of balance, obviously I don’t have any first hand experience at that. I’ll let the ladies here who have been through the postmartum blues help in that area.

Lack of intimacy is something I’d discuss with him. Besides the physical release, it bonds a couple in other ways. In my years of walking the planet, I can almost always spot the couple that have healthy, active sex lives, because of the way they interact with other.

Does your husband feel good about *himself? *Is he optimistic, cheerful, and fun to be around? Heck, some folks just take things sooooooooooo seriously ALL the time.

Other then that I dunno. I tend to look at things in a basic kind of way and over simplify.

Bama, as well as being funny - you are also quite intuitive… Thank you!

I want to mention first that my husband is being treated for some depression himself. He is several years older than I (he’s 45 and I’m 35), and having this baby has made him proud as hell, but scared as hell too. He takes providing for his family VERY seriously and I know that looking at another almost 20 years of that is not the first thing on his list of fun things to do. I make sure we live simply and that the money he does make goes toward debt payoff and savings out of respect for this.

My husband gained some pregnancy weight with me along with the weight gain with the depression. I know it drives him batty. He is one that abhors weight gain and tends to see it as a huge character flaw in himself. But at the same time, he has never been ugly to me about gaining the weight. He just says maybe we should join a health club, stop eating , etc.

My husband is a pessimistic kinda guy. He definitely sees the glass as half empty. He is a home-body and loves to just stay home and do little on his days off. We did buy a gym membership several months ago (prior to finding out we were pregnant) and when he was just starting to put on the weight, but he never went. He was too embarrassed. Now it’s that much worse.

I am thinking about getting a membership at curves for our older daughter and I. I lost a ton of weight that way several years ago. But I fear my husband would feel “left out”. We could go work out at the local ‘intramural’ gym. But, I dont’ think he’d go anyway and I don’t have much luck in that environment either.

I’ve tried to get him to walk with me, but he gets bored and I can tell he wants to go home after a couple blocks. I cook “bad” only on the weekends - the rest of the week I cook very healthfully. He eats lunches out and it has helped some for me to make his lunches - but he often gets invited to lunches with colleagues and then the homemade one spoils.

As many of you suggested (and I’ve thought similarly myself) I probably have a touch of the baby blues. I don’t seem to have it severely but what I do have makes coping with the other stuff hard for me.

Anyway, I guess that’s why I ask for inspiration. Our lives ARE very different since baby, and as I mentioned before I’m trying to change me first to facilitate overall change in the long run.

God bless you for your comments. Just hearing from someone who has insight helps inspire me!

 

[Nimue]

NImue, that would be me.

I agree with the suggestions of the book (it’s a good one) and I agree with Bama’s sensitive suggestion that maybe you’re not altogether ‘back’ from babyland.

and here’s my simple observation/suggestion, consistent with my mantra “let’s change. i’ll go first”:

attitudes don’t change until behaviors do. i can’t often change my attitudes and feelings but i can change my behaviors.

1. pray. pray for your marriage. pray for your husband. pray for yourself.
2. act on total self giving. total self-giving means my husband gets me, however imperfect i appear. i can’t presesnt to him a perfect-bodied wife, but i can present to him a perfectly total gift of self.
3. when together, make an inivitation. if you’re sitting together, ask him to participate in something simple, right there. bring him photos to look at together. look at golf clubs in a catalog. help you wrangle a sudoko puzzle. a game of chess. a decade of rosary. if he’s disinterested, keep praying and keep inviting.
4. pray.
5. pray.
6. change behaviors and attitudes will change.

many blessings.

Yes I remembered it was you who gave that initial gem of advice. I didn’t know if you wished to be put in the spotlight by my giving you credit so I made it vague. I watch many of your posts quite close as you seem to have such practical Christian advice.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I will try all of the above.

 

[Nimue]

Reading your post is like looking in a mirror. I feel for you, so much. My husband and I have not had relations in 5 years. 5 YEARS. He tells me he loves me, but the lack of affection has caused me to question myself at times as a woman. Am I not pretty enough? Do I not do enough for him? Am I not nurturing enough? I stopped doing that a few years ago when I finally realized that I am a great person with a wonderful heart, and just as cute as ever…it was he who had stopped having the desire. It does hurt, and we no longer have that “bond” you speak of. I still respect him, and we have a great friendship and we work mutually to insure that the children have a safe and secure environment, but that is the extent of our partnership as spouses. We are, in every sense of the word, “roomies”.

Take an evening when it’s quiet, wear something pretty, smell nice, and sit down with your husband when the baby is asleep. Take his hands in yours, smile so he doesn’t feel threatened, and list all of the wonderful things he is to you ,and how grateful you are, and how much you respect and admire him. Then share what it is you need…and that as your husband, you look to him to take care of your needs just as you do his…and I will pray for you both…prayer after prayer after prayer…because the best way a man can honor the Mother of his child is to love her, really love her.

God Bless.

:console:

I’ll pray for you if you pray for me

God bless you and thank you for your advice and for sharing your story.

 

[Nimue]

I would advise that you not worry about your weight or worry about your husband’s perception of your weight.

Most men could care less how big a woman is, as long as SHE thinks she is the sexiest, hottest lover in the world.

I’m serious. I weigh 245 lbs, and my husband and I have a very hot sex life. I consider myself voluptuous, curvy, soft, and responsive. He does, too.

Thank you. I try to have this outlook too. I’m an inherently large woman. 5’10" and have never been below 170lbs. Now I’m not huge, but I do need to shed about 45 lbs to make things ‘healthy’ again. My back hurts just bending over the crib!

I’m trying to get my husband to have this view too. For HIMSELF.

Having 20 extra pounds doesn’t make you non-sexual. I think he’s a hottie - now if he could just remember how to think he was a hottie.

 

[Nimue]

Having a touch of Baby Blues is also very common, and can seemingly start out of nowhere… It doesn’t always happen immediately after birth.

If you find yourself getting really sad/depressed a lot, please seek help. There are things you can do that don’t require medication (if you’re nursing), and there are even medications (if the depression gets really bad) that are safe enough so that you don’t have to wean.

:hug3:

I am nursing, and it doesn’t seem to be something that warrants seeking medical attention… but .

How does one know? I’d probably feel worse going in and them saying it wasn’t bad enough for treatment… ya know?

 

[Nimue]

Book suggestion, Matthew Kelly “Seven Levels of Intimacy”.

I was also thinking the same thing as other posters on this thread. You sound like you may have postpartum blues. It sometimes doesn’t come on until 6 weeks after the baby is born and can last an entire year.

Your husband may feel that your marriage is the same as before and that’s why your husband is confused. You now feel different and harmonal. Your life has changed and you don’t feel sexy. You’re no longer a sexy woman…you’re a “mom”.

I had postpartum aggression for about 3 months. I would look at my husband and get angry. Everything about him irritated me. I felt so unattractive as well.

The postpartum bitchiness lifted after about 3 months, but I still felt icky until about 6 months postpartum. I felt so “YUCK”. I had fat around my waist from breastfeeding and my chest was so heavy and I felt like Dairy Queen. My husband kept telling me I looked beautiful and he wanted to be intimate with me and even though I reciprocated, I felt removed and not into it.

My baby is now just over a year and I am completely back to normal.

I hope this helps.

Thank you!


I feel a lot better today. I thank God every day for my husband and work very hard to enjoy my family.

Thanks for everyone’s help. I’d sure take more inspiration though as I’m sure things will slow down again

 

[RWMorris]

I was also thinking the same thing as other posters on this thread. You sound like you may have postpartum blues. It sometimes doesn’t come on until 6 weeks after the baby is born and can last an entire year.

Your husband may feel that your marriage is the same as before and that’s why your husband is confused. You now feel different and harmonal. Your life has changed and you don’t feel sexy. You’re no longer a sexy woman…you’re a “mom”.

I had postpartum aggression for about 3 months. I would look at my husband and get angry. Everything about him irritated me. I felt so unattractive as well.

The postpartum bitchiness lifted after about 3 months, but I still felt icky until about 6 months postpartum. I felt so “YUCK”. I had fat around my waist from breastfeeding and my chest was so heavy and I felt like Dairy Queen. My husband kept telling me I looked beautiful and he wanted to be intimate with me and even though I reciprocated, I felt removed and not into it.

My baby is now just over a year and I am completely back to normal.

I hope this helps.

This happened to me, as well. Sometimes it really is “me” and not “him”, y’know?
However, if y’all haven’t had relations for so long, that would concern me a lot. I probably would say something.