Needing marriage help

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okmom3

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I have been unsure of my marriage for some time. Lately things have gotten to the point where my therapist felt it was almost time to call DHS and have my husband removed from the home.

He has a problem acting like an adult/parent. We have 3 children and with all three as infants he would cuss them out when he didn’t feel like dealing with them. Last weekend was my breaking point. He was angry with our 4 month old all weekend and was walking around under his breath cussing her out. I stepped out of the house for a moment and when I returned I heard “whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack” and I’m thinking what in the world is that sound until my two oldest children (4 and 2) come running down the hall screaming and crying and my 2 year old has a large red welt on her back from where my husband hit her. I came about a milimeter away from asking him to pack up his stuff and go live with his brother.

This is only the tip of the iceberg. He has created debts that were are having an extremely hard time paying off. He harassed me until I got a job so that we could pay things off faster and I never saw a dime of what I worked for (mind you it was stocking flooring at Home Depot from 8-1am 5 days a week without any help taking care of my children I did that during the day all by myself). He didn’t speak to me everytime I got pregnant with a girl. He refuses to get himself help even though I have started going to therapy to work on myself so that I could be better with him. He doesn’t speak to me at all anymore and no matter how much I try to make a happy home for him by cooking. cleaning, taking care of the kids, not asking him for help, etc. it does nothing. I’ve tried praying together, alone, making sure we all go to church.

To be fair I know I have my own problems and I have done some serious group therapy and individual therapy because I want to be a better wife/mother/ friend/ person. I’m willing to do all of that for myself and for those in my life. I just feel like this marriage is failing no matter how good my intentions are and no matter how hard I try. I really don’t want a divorce because my parents did when I was 4 and I know how sad that is for kids. Anyway any advice would be really helpful and any hurtful comments I would ask you to keep them to yourself. I have been chewed out by enough people.
 
I’d say your therapist is right. Your husband is abusive and the situation is dangerous for your little ones. It is exhausting for you to have to deal with all of this and be the only one trying to improve and make things work. I’m a single mom and I will let you know that despite the financial difficulties, life really is better for everyone when you are not living with an angry person who could go off at any minute. Has your therapist given you any contact information for any domestic violence resources in your area?
 
Yes. She made me promise that the next time this happens I would 1) Ask him to leave or 2) Come to her and she would help me get into a YMCA place and she gave me all the info about it.

I’m just really afraid. I have no family or friends here and I couldn’t go to my family because my parents were/are abusive as well and his family could care less about us so there is really no one for me to turn to.
 
That’s a tough situation to be in, with little ones to care for and no family to turn to. I don’t know what I would have done without my family when I left my husband. Maybe you could find out what those resources have to offer someone in your position. It is nice to have an idea of what help is available.
 
*Where there is a will, there is a way–shoot, come live with me if you can’t find anywhere to go! 😦 Seriously, there is nothing to think over…your husband is dangerous, and hitting a toddler several times until he has a welt? :mad: Please do what you to do to protect you and your kids–quickly!! Do not stay with a physically abusive man!

My prayers going out to you.*
 
Welts is abuse. Leave. Today. Call your Priest, he will have contact info for Catholic Charities and women’s shelters in your area.

Call now.
 
What are you waiting for? Get out and get out now! Call your County social services and get information on emergency shelters and protect yourself and your children. Your husband will not wake up tomorrow morning and change his ways for the good. He has problems you can’t fix, and now you have to focus on your children. You have a GREAT friend and resource in your therapist who certainly has an interest in helping you that is beyond perfessional obligations. Everything will work out for the better, don’t worry. It will be uncertain and scary at first, but God will provide for you in the end. He always does!
 
You could actually work with a domestic violence center and get a kick out order and have him removed from the house.
 
I am sombody who struggles with parenting and being a good husband. I am a convert to the church and I have brought a lot of baggage with me. It is in my blood to be short tempered and violent. It has been a long healing process for me that started before my conversion because I had to change or face losing people I loved. If my wife or anyone else was to abuse my children they would be better off with the devil after them than me. As a father it is my job to reflect the love our heavenly father has for all of us on my children, the love christ has for the church on my wife. I admit I fail miserably daily but I do my best and slowly but surely I am getting there. We must protect our family’s, even from eachother. Divorce is never easy on a family but sometimes we have to painful things to better ourselves and others. Pray about your family, go talk to a priest, and if need be remove the man from you and your childrens lives. Parenting is not a right it is a priveledge. I will pray for you.
 
Look, I mean this in the most respectful way possible, but…

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!

The NEXT TIME?

Get your babies out of there NOW!

He BEAT your two your old until she had MARKS and WELTS!

You should not have had any more children with him after you saw him “cussing out” your first baby. Seriously. Why would you want to make that man a father again? Be that as it may, you have three children to protect. You are NOT ALLOWED to be weak. Get your children out of there now, or you are an accessory to their abuse. If you keep them there, you are helping their father abuse them, by providing him with access and opportunity.

Living in a box under a bridge would be healthier for your children than living in the same house with their father.

P.S. How many times has he hit you? And don’t say none, because a guy who would do that to a baby…
 
*Divorce is never an easy solution, but it’s better than kids growing up getting beaten, and watching their mother cower down to their dad…they grow up thinking THAT is normal marital behavior, and they either vow to never do it, or they repeat the cycle. My husband and I when we were dating…he asked me…so what would ever be a reason you’d leave me? (we were speaking about hypotheticals) I said, if you were having a longterm affair…if you hit me…or hit the kids.

He has never done any of those, but rest assure if he had…no way would I have stayed. Love isn’t about abuse. Abusers don’t know how to love–they only know chaos. They feel badly inside, so they want others to feel badly inside. As much as my heart goes out to them…you have to protect you and your kids. Your husband is supposed to be your protector, not someone you need protection FROM. So, prayers for you to get a serious game plan together…if you need anything at all, please pm me. *
 
okmom3 said:
I have been unsure of my marriage for some time. Lately things have gotten to the point where my therapist felt it was almost time to call DHS and have my husband removed from the home.

He has a problem acting like an adult/parent. We have 3 children and with all three as infants he would cuss them out when he didn’t feel like dealing with them. Last weekend was my breaking point. He was angry with our 4 month old all weekend and was walking around under his breath cussing her out. I stepped out of the house for a moment and when I returned I heard “whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack” and I’m thinking what in the world is that sound until my two oldest children (4 and 2) come running down the hall screaming and crying and my 2 year old has a large red welt on her back from where my husband hit her. I came about a milimeter away from asking him to pack up his stuff and go live with his brother.

.
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if this happened last weekend you are 5 days late calling DHS or CPS. If the therapist knows of this incident she is obligated to report it. This man needs help and the family needs intervention now, and you need the support of your therapist and anyone else you can call on to protect your family and arrange for your support while he gets the help he needs. Please, please do not wait for a tragedy. It is my duty to warn you that if you do not report this incident you risk a situation where you might be considered to be materially cooperating in his abuse, and charged as such.
we will be praying for you.
 
SaltySirena said:
Look, I mean this in the most respectful way possible, but…

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!

The NEXT TIME?

Get your babies out of there NOW!

He BEAT your two your old until she had MARKS and WELTS!

You should not have had any more children with him after you saw him “cussing out” your first baby. Seriously. Why would you want to make that man a father again? Be that as it may, you have three children to protect. You are NOT ALLOWED to be weak. Get your children out of there now, or you are an accessory to their abuse. If you keep them there, you are helping their father abuse them, by providing him with access and opportunity.

Living in a box under a bridge would be healthier for your children than living in the same house with their father.

P.S. How many times has he hit you? And don’t say none, because a guy who would do that to a baby…
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Well I kept using NFP and it didn’t work and when they taught the stupid class they never helped me figure out why it wouldn’t work for me. I eventually found out I have PCOS and never ovulated at the extact same time every month and my hormones when a train wreck. Since I cannot take anything to stop becoming pregnant what would you suggest? I very rarely am with him as it is anyway. He has never hit me you can believe it or not I frankly couldn’t give a ****. You obviously know everything so I guess there isn’t much else to be said because you seem to know every detail of my situation without even knowing my real name.
 
I may not agree with SaltySirena’s tone, but I certainly agree with the message. I had a couple friends back in college who were going through abusive situations. One of the husbands simply beat the kids. The other one used his fists as a form of birth control. Each of these women were coworkers, and in each of the situations my other female coworkers told them to stand by their men. A few of them even told the women that they were to blame for their husbands’ violent episodes. I was one of the people telling either of them to get out of their abusive situations. The first one would often say that, even though he yelled at and beat the kids he would never hit her. And he didn’t. For a couple years, at least. She made the mistake of trying to stop him from whipping their 4-year-old with a belt and ended up getting her face bashed in in front of all three kids. That finally convinced her to get out.

The second one’s delightful hubby would sit in the parking lot and wait for her each night. He’d tell her that if he ever saw her talking to another man, he’d kill her and whoever she was talking to. Every night he’d follow her home just to make sure she didn’t stop and talk to another man on the way. Once she got home, even though she’d clearly not stopped, he’d accuse her of it anyway, knock her around a bit, rape her, then beat on her stomach for a bit to make sure he hadn’t accidentally gotten her pregnant. It wasn’t a very effective birth control method, failing five times in the time I knew her. Four of those five times she ended up getting thrown down the steps, through a window or into the bathroom so hard she shattered a full length mirror and broke the toilet seat. She’d come in with black eyes, busted fingers and toes, and other bruises and lacerations all over her body. After the fourth miscarriage she finally got the hint that staying with him wasn’t the best choice for her or any prospective children. She didn’t tell him about the fifth pregnancy but did use it to motivate herself to flee to a women’s shelter.

Bottom line is that an abusive situation is an abusive situation, regardless of whether it’s you or your kids on the receiving end. You need to put your kids’ safety first and do what’s best for them.

*For the record, I made several calls to the police & CPS in the above situations, but these proved futile. Once I realized that the only thing they brought about in the second situation was both of them denying a problem then her getting knocked around even more after the cops left, I abandoned that tactic and focused on convincing her of her need to leave instead.
 
okmom3 said:
Well I kept using NFP and it didn’t work and when they taught the stupid class they never helped me figure out why it wouldn’t work for me. I eventually found out I have PCOS and never ovulated at the extact same time every month and my hormones when a train wreck. Since I cannot take anything to stop becoming pregnant what would you suggest? I very rarely am with him as it is anyway. He has never hit me you can believe it or not I frankly couldn’t give a ****. You obviously know everything so I guess there isn’t much else to be said because you seem to know every detail of my situation without even knowing my real name.
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Yeah, attack me, ignore your own situation, and allow your husband to beat your kids some more. Hope that feels satisfying when one of them is dead. Get them out now or the next time is your fault.
 
okmom3 said:
I have been unsure of my marriage for some time. Lately things have gotten to the point where my therapist felt it was almost time to call DHS and have my husband removed from the home.

He has a problem acting like an adult/parent. We have 3 children and with all three as infants he would cuss them out when he didn’t feel like dealing with them. Last weekend was my breaking point. He was angry with our 4 month old all weekend and was walking around under his breath cussing her out. I stepped out of the house for a moment and when I returned I heard “whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack” and I’m thinking what in the world is that sound until my two oldest children (4 and 2) come running down the hall screaming and crying and my 2 year old has a large red welt on her back from where my husband hit her. I came about a milimeter away from asking him to pack up his stuff and go live with his brother.

This is only the tip of the iceberg. He has created debts that were are having an extremely hard time paying off. He harassed me until I got a job so that we could pay things off faster and I never saw a dime of what I worked for (mind you it was stocking flooring at Home Depot from 8-1am 5 days a week without any help taking care of my children I did that during the day all by myself). He didn’t speak to me everytime I got pregnant with a girl. He refuses to get himself help even though I have started going to therapy to work on myself so that I could be better with him. He doesn’t speak to me at all anymore and no matter how much I try to make a happy home for him by cooking. cleaning, taking care of the kids, not asking him for help, etc. it does nothing. I’ve tried praying together, alone, making sure we all go to church.

To be fair I know I have my own problems and I have done some serious group therapy and individual therapy because I want to be a better wife/mother/ friend/ person. I’m willing to do all of that for myself and for those in my life. I just feel like this marriage is failing no matter how good my intentions are and no matter how hard I try. I really don’t want a divorce because my parents did when I was 4 and I know how sad that is for kids. Anyway any advice would be really helpful and any hurtful comments I would ask you to keep them to yourself. I have been chewed out by enough people.
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The Lord is always with you, in your waking, in your walking, in your living, in your resting and in your decisions. Be still and know that he is God, anything you do, he will be with you always, until the last age. God bless you darling.

xxx zundrah (jennifer) xxx
 
If someone else calls CPS, you could even lose your children and they will be put in foster care, it’s better to show that you are willing to protect your children … staying in this abusive situation is only going to make authorities think you are not capable of taking care of them…

this would be my main concern, personally.

You are in my prayers.

And, your marriage doesn’t seem to need help, you husband does. You can not change him, he must change himself. He needs a rock bottom to hit.

If he’s drinking, please get help through Alanon, it’s a great program.

God bless.
 
Dear sister okmom3,

Ignore SaltySirena’s tone, but do heed the words!

The key point here is that such situations never get better or even stay the same, but get worse over time. I can almost guarantee that this will happen again and will escalate.

Yes, divorce sucks, but abuse is still worse.

Your kids are suffering immensely right now. Their sense of safety and peace in the universe is gone. What is happening now could be with them the rest of their lives. As someone who grew up in a bad situation, trust me when I say it’s better to leave and be in a shelter than to have them grow up and live in such a situation.

Your husband may be sick, he may be evil, but remember - you can’t fix what you didn’t break.

You are in my prayers.

Juli
 
Sheeniac said:
Dear sister okmom3,

Ignore SaltySirena’s tone, but do heed the words!

The key point here is that such situations never get better or even stay the same, but get worse over time. I can almost guarantee that this will happen again and will escalate.

Yes, divorce sucks, but abuse is still worse.

Your kids are suffering immensely right now. Their sense of safety and peace in the universe is gone. What is happening now could be with them the rest of their lives. As someone who grew up in a bad situation, trust me when I say it’s better to leave and be in a shelter than to have them grow up and live in such a situation.

Your husband may be sick, he may be evil, but remember - you can’t fix what you didn’t break.

You are in my prayers.

Juli
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Really well put. Please listen to this advice, okmom3!!
 
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