I get so fed up with people who tell someone with a problem that they “need to get professional help.” Most of the time they can’t afford “professional help.”
Life is messy; and when we are young, our attitudes toward God and and the Church are heavily influenced by the relationship we have with our father and mother, and the stability or instability of their marriage which sets the mood of our family life. If we have a distant or dismissive father, it will be difficult to see God the Father any differently. If our mother is immature or self-justifying in moral situations, it is almost impossible to respect her as an authority figure.
Poor young Lily is trapped in a disfunctional family, and because of her youth powerless right now to affect her parents, their attitudes or their behavior. We can ( and must) control the expression of our emotions; however it is not possible “not to have emotions” of anger, sadness and resentment against a mother and another person whose office should make them a respected and virtuous teacher. She wants to respect them, but they have not earned her respect merely because they are a parent – or a teacher. They are hypocrites and that is a fact which cannot be denied. The choir master is in fact scandalizing the church with his adulterous affair with Lily’s mother; and it is only right that Lily (or someone else) inform the pastor of the fact so that the man can be dismissed.
Lily’s emotions are real and must not be dismissed as invalid or unimportant. Perhaps her mother (or father, or both) have personality disorders. She can look up “personality disorders” online, read discriptions, and figure out how to cope with their behavior without becoming emotionally crippled herself, and also know that there are other people like her who have learned to “outgrow” destructive families and themselves become loving and mature and honest people, and not reject a religion because some people who profess, but do not live it.
She should tell her confessor that she needs spiritual counseling outside confession, and ask him to recommend somebody (perhaps a priest who teaches at a local seminary? A priest connected with a retreat center? ) who will not charge her as a psychologist would. If her confessor (wrongly) “brushes her off”, she should go to another confessor at another church and keep asking, --and eventually she will get the help she needs.
Lily should know that it is psychologically understandable if she is attracted to powerful , older men who are active in the church. She is longing for a strong and protective and holy father-figure to take the place of the father and step-father who don’t understand or care for her legitimate physical and psychological needs, and she seeks in the church the warm nurturing family atmosphere and emotional security her parents fail to provide for her. Knowing this, she must recognize that this yearning may make her vulnerable to bad men who might take advantage of her need for non-sexualized friendship and caring.
Lily, pray the rosary, preferably every day, asking Mary to find you the right spiritual director who will help you see how to come to terms with the problem of forgiving a mother who not only does not ask for it, but does not even think she has done wrong to you or your family and discredited the name of “Catholic” – Ask Mary to find the right spiritual director for you to help you sort out your options, deal with your relationship with God, the church, and understand your own emotions, and to help you find wholesome friends (perhaps, depending on your age, the structure and support of a local Carmelite or Franciscan lay third-order group?) The structure of a community prayer group will strengthen you and provide wise and supportive friends who will look out for your spiritual and even emotional welfare until you can become more wise, loving, and mature than your parents; and to experience God’s love which is kinder and more trustworthy than some human parents.
Like Lily, I have grew up in the pain and lonliness of a disfunctional family with a “borderline personality disorder” mother; so can relate closely to Lily’s situation. In my 30’s, I found a good spirtual director; with the help of his insight and prayer I was able talk about my frustrations, to see options, and to mature; become a good Catholic; and make many good and holy friends, and eventually marry a wonderful Catholic and have a good family life for over 20 years.
You are not alone Lily, there are many who have had your problems but learned how to overcome the scarring of an early unhappy family; and have a happy life anyway, even if it takes a few years. Time passes quicker than you think, and your life can only get better. You just keep talking to Christ and his Blessed mother; attend Mass as often as you can, read the lives of the saints ( who are your friends, and care about you) to get good examples of how to cope with problems, and rise above them. I will pray for you, dear little one.
