Negative Messages About Wanting Marriage

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Goldberry

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I’m 48 and I’ve never been married. I’ve been doing some soul searching about this. There were a few different reasons why I never married. I was always the “champion of chastity,” and that scared a LOT of guys off from dating me. I also have had a lot of problems with men who were terrified of any kind of commitment. One Catholic guy asked me to marry him, and then changed his mind and wouldn’t marry me unless I lived with him for 5 years first! :mad: Then some guys would date me for a couple of years and couldn’t even commit to being called a boyfriend.

Anyway, one thing that is frustrating for me is that I can’t mention wanting to be married to anyone without negative responses about it. I’d really like people’s thoughts about this.

I’m a convert, so I’ve had a lot of Protestant friends. It’s been popular for them to warn single people not to make marriage into an “idol.” They seem a bit paranoid about it, honestly. They’d never mention that sex, money, career etc… could be idols, but apparently wanting to be married is a danger. :confused:

Then my female professors at college have lectured me about how I don’t need a man, and they keep suggesting that somehow it’s not strong or liberated to want marriage. They actually quote “Jane Eyre” to me, even though she’s a fictional character!

Then at my Catholic church, I’m just feeling that people don’t give a darn. If I ask people if they know anyone single, they act uncomfortable about it. I get a lot of “why don’t you consider becoming a nun” comments (which I think I’m too old for at this point.) And if I try talking about being single, people hastily change the subject. I was crying to my priest the other night that I was afraid of ending up becoming a lonely old cat lady, and he actually laughed! He said, “Oh well, cats are okay.” I know he thought it was funny, but I guess I was hoping for some understanding. I don’t have children, or a big family. All I have is my elderly mother. I do feel anxious about maybe being single and alone in the future.

Some emotional support from someone would be nice!
 
Stay strong, Goldberry!

A friend of mine just got married for the first time at 48, so good things can and do happen to those who wait!

I share your feelings vis-à-vis this concept that if we’re not married by X age, we are supposed to take it as some sort of sign that we are called to be priests or nuns. That is not the case.

May I offer a practical suggestion? I don’t know what sort of parish you live in - it might be in a large city, or a town of 400 people in a rural area. However, if it’s anywhere near a large metro area, how about basically starting your own Catholic singles club? Post a note in the parish bulletin for something like “Mass on Saturday evening for singles ages 25-55 (or whatever!) followed by Dinner at X restaurant,” and give your phone number and ask people to call in advance so you can make a reservation. I’ve done this – it’s how I met my wife! If you do it every few weeks, sometimes there will be 4 women and 14 men, and sometimes the numbers will be reversed – but people will come, and it does work. It did for me.
 
I know how you feel Goldie,

I’m forever single and 44. It’s not like I’m something the cat drug in either, but somehow it just hasn’t worked out…yet.

I’m doing my best to trust God in this matter and trying my hardest to be the best person I can be. If I can remember to be doing that for God, then I’m in a good place, but still working on that part.

You’re right, people do get uncomfortable about it often when brought up, and they’re often not much help. 😦

Ahhh well, I still have my books…lol…and many other things, like the opportunity to practice charity in so many different ways that married people really do not have. There are plenty of perks if you think about it for a while. Hang in there.
 
That comment about the cats was not the most empathic I’ve ever heard! Oh well. Some have to work on their “bedside manner”. I think his intention was good, that he meant no harm, just was a bit misguided in how he phrased himself.

Being involuntarily single is no laughing matter, but I guess he was trying to, in his own way, put it into perspective, try to find some kind of positive spin to use. I think he meant well, was well intentioned, just went about it the wrong way, needs to respond more empathically next time to be helpful, affirm the feeling, first.

Almost don’t even know where to start to address your post. I am 50 years old. I’ve been in a bunch of relationships, married twice, but annuled, twice, and I can even get married…with the Church’s blessing, now.

I get a lot of comments, too. I remember telling a former friend of mine that here in Mexico, if you aren’t married by about age…30 or so, they consider you an “old maid”, and my friend said flat out that I WAS an old maid! lol

Though I’m 50 y.o., I recently also got a comment, guess this week, about how could I, at my age, be interested in a romantic relationship! How dare I?! lol

I told him that he would, at my age, also be interested in a romantic relationship, too. My supervisor, who is older than I am, chimed in that we each have our hearts and will want love.

It’s only normal to want love. It’s more in modern times when anything goes where EVERYTHING normal is becoming abnormal, and EVERYTHING abnormal is becoming normal, that marriage is becoming abnormal.

Recall the Bible warned us this would happen, not that it’s probably much consolation. I feel your pain.

One of my sisters once told me that in our time, it was her experience that, by the third date at the absolute latest, it was basically a given it would turn into a sexual relationship. It was expected.

Consider the environment, though, that they are also passing out condoms in schools, and in so many words saying, “Go ahead!” and where this mindset all comes from. Look on TV what is now portrayed as normal, and it is NOT abstinence and chastity, like it used to be in films.

I’ve been rejected, too, for not wanting to “put out”, but you and I are better off. I’ve even heard some Catholic GUYS complain that if they want to wait till marriage, the women today will sometimes even get all “put out” and say, “you don’t love me”…or “You’re gay!” lol It’s definitely a problem, dating in modern times.

It can seem like Mission Impossible trying to find a suitable marriage partner, one who is willing to wait, for example.

I wish I could advise on this, but I am in your situation.

I started dating just a little, and it was SO funny! He was going beyond his bounds right away, but I have gotten to the point I will just make a joke out of it! So, I said something like, “Hey! Let’s leave something for after the wedding, shall we?!” lol

He took it really well, not sure if we’ll ever have anything, but he, at least, so far, has been willing to wait…a point in his favor. He surprised me. He usually kids around a lot, suddenly got extremely serious, nodded twice! lol

Then, he quoted to me, “El hombre llega hasta donde la mujer permite” (translates roughly as, “The man will go to the point to which the woman allows”! lol).

Clearly, one in today’s times, in trying to stick to more traditional values, can feel like a salmon swimming upstream, going up the “down” staircase! 😉

By “toeing” this line, we are risking rejection on many levels…of our partners…society at large. I remember years ago being a virgin when so many weren’t, and they would say to me things like, “Get thee to a nunnery!”, things like that. They accused me of being a closet lesbian, called me “Queenie”. I didn’t actually figure out what the term meant till just a few years ago! I remember asking over and over, “What does that mean?” lol

In that relationship I’m in, now…whatever it is, I think ever since that moment when I stood up to him, told him where the line was, I think the entire way he looked at me changed, for the better. I think he looked at me with more respect, if anything, but not all men are like that.

He told me, too, that women today, if you don’t want to have sex also question if you love them…or…if you’re gay. He repeated what other men have told me, some of who WANT to be good Catholics, chaste, wait for marriage.

I had one man, years ago, who said point blank if I wouldn’t have sex with him, not to even bother. So, I said I wouldn’t bother, then! lol

As to quoting Jane Eyre, if they ever try that again, answer that even Jane Eyre got married in the end, right? 🙂

I think that God made most of us to long to a marriage partner, even if we are thought of others by being “over the hill”, like myself, now.

A lot of times in trying to live out the faith, we will need to go against the mainstream, and marriage is no exception.

I may one day find love, may not, but, like you, I’d like a real honest to goodness marriage. I admit it, and if people think I’m crazy, they think I’m crazy. Whatever…! You’re not alone, though. There are others, both women AND even some men who feel EXACTLY the same as you. Goldberry, shame ya’ all couldn’t finally find each other and make a happy ending, together! 😉
 
El hombre llega hasta donde la mujer permite"
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That may be true for many men, if not most, but some of us can and have changed our ways by God’s Grace. :blushing:
 
JamalChristophr said:
That may be true for many men, if not most, but some of us can and have changed our ways by God’s Grace. :blushing:
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:rotfl:

Well…more power to you! Good for you, JamalChristophr! 👍

:clapping::clapping::clapping::clapping::clapping:
 
Goldberry said:
…
Some emotional support from someone would be nice!
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Aw, Goldberry. I’ll give it a shot!

First, as far as
“Anyway, one thing that is frustrating for me is that I can’t mention wanting to be married to anyone without negative responses about it. I’d really like people’s thoughts about this.”
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I do not think you should throw your pearls to swine. 🙂 Your precious dream to be married is yours, and there may not be too many people IRL you can share that with. Like, one or two, if your are fortunate.
I’m a convert, so I’ve had a lot of Protestant friends. It’s been popular for them to warn single people not to make marriage into an “idol.” They seem a bit paranoid about it, honestly. They’d never mention that sex, money, career etc… could be idols, but apparently wanting to be married is a danger. :confused:
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Oh, that’s interesting! I am a convert too and I had not heard that one from my old circle. Well, don’t forget they don’t have the whole truth and they don’t have Saints for example and they don’t have the Holy Mass, the Sacraments to help them grow holy! Poor them.

(Of course, we Catholics have all those riches but we don’t all use them, and we all forget to use them sometimes).

I think they see your frustration and are trying to explain it away. Not too helpful, huh?

But its an interesting concept, and personal to me. I thought the idol thing was MY idea. I was married nearly 20 years before my ex left me, while our son was young, and it was devastating. To no longer be married, to be a* “divorcee!”*. It was a VERY difficult marriage to a Narcissist and verbal abuser, so, in some sense, it was a relief. (“The other woman did you a favor,” said my very pious and wise priest). But being suddenly a single Mom brought a whole new set of great difficulties.

Whats better, to have endured years of misery trying to keep a marriage together that could never be? Or to have never married? Except for the great spiritual good that comes from great bad, the latter is better! I sure wondered about my wasted fruitless years when divorce came. So many years, waiting for God to do the miracle to save it. So much fruitless effort trying to improve it. What a waste! even as I thought it, I knew, God could, and would, “make up for the years the locust had eaten”.

After, things were so hard, but in the difficulty (and blessed with my new Catholic faith - I was totally certain that God new this was coming and led me to His Church so I would have all I needed to handle it) I learned to trust God, really trust Him. For that great gift of having enough pain and fear to have to* have to *trust Him, I say all the difficulty and pain was worth it.

One of my first thoughts at the time of divorce and facing my new life as a single divorced Mom - shocked that this could happen to me, and with such distaste did I realize this awful word “divorce” would be *stuck on me *the rest of my life - was that maybe this would be a useful tool to humble me. Humbleness is good. Yes, as much as I hated that word, I must have previously (yeah, I had) thought other people with that label must have done something “not enough”; they must somehow carry at least some of the blame for being divorced. After all, I had a bad marriage, and I was going to stick with it through thick and thin! Well, now I was a divorcee, and carrying this label the rest of my life is great penance if it can help wipe out all those previous proud thoughts - thoughts that I had what I had because I deserved it, and they had what they had because they deserved it. No. All the good things we have are gifts from God.

And, though I had never heard anyone say this, and when I told my Evangelical friends this it confused them because they had never heard this: Maybe I had been* idolizing my role in life as a wife. Bad marraige, yes, I accepted that reality, but I was married*, and I was *staying *married, like God would have me do! It was my identity. Perhaps I had idolized that role. Yes, that was my thought. I should love God more than any identity in life. And I do not think I did.

So I just accepted what is. Well, not at first. I think I woudl have healed from reality a *lot *quicker if I had accepted more fully sooner. My biggest obstacle to growth and healing was not accepting this reality that I was now living.

So i urge you to do that, too. Accept reality. You are unmarried at 48, and this was probably not in your plan. Also accept that you *want *to be. Also accept that you do not know God’s plan for you. If any parts of that you are having trouble accepting, that’s okay, just desire to accept it, and ask God for the grace to accept it. Everything that has happened to you so far He has allowed. And He knows you the best and loves you the best. Any bad things, He can make good come of it and desires to make good come of it and will. You don’t get to see the end always, when you want to, but you can believe its there. His good. And you can ask Him for help trusting him.

More in the next post…
 
In the years through difficulties, the most wonderfully helpful thing was silent retreats at a monastery. There is times for speaking with a monk or priest too. Also convents do this. Mine was a cloistered monks monastery that I went to. There is one near you. I really suggest this.

I went on my first silent retreat as a fairly new Catholic when a I felt deep sadness when I realized that I would go my entire life without my husband even enjoying a cup of coffee with me, because he wanted my company. My life stretched before me in endless loneliness, because I knew that staying married, this is what it woudl be. I was willing to wait til his deathbed til he was ever sorry and converted, but what was overwhelming to me was that whole long lonely life ahead, and I was kind of mad at God for that, for expecting so much of me. I had never been on one, but this feeling of “mad at God” had only occurred once before, and I knew silence would help me get to the core of it. I wanted to hear God’s voice concerning it.

So that was my reason for retreat. It was my first silent experience, a couple days of complete silence, then a talk with a priest. i told him the above, he, like other priests, said, “that’s not a marriage, God does not expect you to do that” and I would not hear of that. “I know God wants me to keep my vow” I said. “Well, if God is telling you that then He will give you the grace to do that one day at a time.”

I felt great peace after that retreat. I also think that those monks prayed for me after (and other retreatants). I developed a craving for silence I had never had and went on retreats annually after that.

So i am sharing that, somehow I think it might help you. Because if God wants to remain single when you desire to be married, He will give you the grace to do that. Maybe what you need to do is accept whatever He wants. You maybe can only do that with a lot of grace. Its okay to say, “I can’t do whats being asked of me by God.” becaseu then we are helpless, and can only do the right thing with His help. You can tell him of your precious desire. He cares about all the desires of your heart. And only He can give you a peace about it. Because it probably takes that peace of God, that peace that passes all understanding.

I think the priest did not understand your concern. He is only human. God understands. Tell Him of your anxiety about your future. Ask Him for help to trust Him with your future.

Not long after my divorce, struggling and alone (but going to Daily Mass whenever I had the opportunity, and what a help that was) I told some of the ladies (all older, none in my state in life) from Daily Mass at breakfast some of my worries and anxieties. One said, “The things you worry about never happen. Its the things you never think will happen and so don’t think to worry about that are big.” Then she told of being a young mom with four kids including a little baby, and coming home to her husband dead on the floor. Not anything she ever thought to worry about. Wow.

Sometimes also I was on the edge of great despair about my life not turning out at all as I planned. But then - God must have done this - a thought came into my mind: “Some Moms are taking their kids to chemotherapy today.” That’s what kept me out of despair. My worries were real valid worries, however, I needed to put them in perspective. And some people were going through much worse things than what I was.

Hope some of those things help. I will pray for you!
 
Goldberry said:
I’m 48 and I’ve never been married. I’ve been doing some soul searching about this. There were a few different reasons why I never married. I was always the “champion of chastity,” and that scared a LOT of guys off from dating me. I also have had a lot of problems with men who were terrified of any kind of commitment. One Catholic guy asked me to marry him, and then changed his mind and wouldn’t marry me unless I lived with him for 5 years first! :mad: Then some guys would date me for a couple of years and couldn’t even commit to being called a boyfriend.

Anyway, one thing that is frustrating for me is that I can’t mention wanting to be married to anyone without negative responses about it. I’d really like people’s thoughts about this.

I’m a convert, so I’ve had a lot of Protestant friends. It’s been popular for them to warn single people not to make marriage into an "idol." They seem a bit paranoid about it, honestly. They’d never mention that sex, money, career etc… could be idols, but apparently wanting to be married is a danger. :confused:

Then my female professors at college have lectured me about how I don’t need a man, and they keep suggesting that somehow it’s not strong or liberated to want marriage. They actually quote “Jane Eyre” to me, even though she’s a fictional character!

Then at my Catholic church, I’m just feeling that people don’t give a darn. If I ask people if they know anyone single, they act uncomfortable about it. I get a lot of “why don’t you consider becoming a nun” comments (which I think I’m too old for at this point.) And if I try talking about being single, people hastily change the subject. I was crying to my priest the other night that I was afraid of ending up becoming a lonely old cat lady, and he actually laughed! He said, “Oh well, cats are okay.” I know he thought it was funny, but I guess I was hoping for some understanding. I don’t have children, or a big family. All I have is my elderly mother. I do feel anxious about maybe being single and alone in the future.

Some emotional support from someone would be nice!
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I have never heard about making marriage an “idol”.

Well, it’s been pretty normal. Ever since Adam, in the Garden of Eden, it was said how God looked upon him, and how he was so alone, and said that wasn’t good, that he’d make him a mate.

Marriage came about at some point, not exactly sure when, but it’s been around for a **VERY, VERY **long time!

I think it’s fine to long for marriage.

Some have also told me, though, to, in so many words, “give it up”, resign myself to the single life.

At times, I’ve tried, by throwing myself into my volunteer work and hobbies, but as wonderful as all those are, it is just NOT a substitute for a husband.

Equally, as someone pointed out, there are drawbacks even to marriage. Being single is much better than being in a bad marriage, say.

There is actually a joke about this.

It goes, “All single women want to be married, and married women want to be…dead!”

😉
 
Goldberry said:
I’m 48 and I’ve never been married. I’ve been doing some soul searching about this. There were a few different reasons why I never married. I was always the “champion of chastity,” and that scared a LOT of guys off from dating me. I also have had a lot of problems with men who were terrified of any kind of commitment. **One Catholic guy asked me to marry him, and then changed his mind and wouldn’t marry me unless I lived with him for 5 years first! :mad: Then some guys would date me for a couple of years and couldn’t even commit to being called a boyfriend.
**
Anyway, one thing that is frustrating for me is that I can’t mention wanting to be married to anyone without negative responses about it. I’d really like people’s thoughts about this.

I’m a convert, so I’ve had a lot of Protestant friends. It’s been popular for them to warn single people not to make marriage into an “idol.” They seem a bit paranoid about it, honestly. They’d never mention that sex, money, career etc… could be idols, but apparently wanting to be married is a danger. :confused:

Then my female professors at college have lectured me about how I don’t need a man, and they keep suggesting that somehow it’s not strong or liberated to want marriage. They actually quote “Jane Eyre” to me, even though she’s a fictional character!

Then at my Catholic church, I’m just feeling that people don’t give a darn. If I ask people if they know anyone single, they act uncomfortable about it. I get a lot of “why don’t you consider becoming a nun” comments (which I think I’m too old for at this point.) And if I try talking about being single, people hastily change the subject. I was crying to my priest the other night that I was afraid of ending up becoming a lonely old cat lady, and he actually laughed! He said, “Oh well, cats are okay.” I know he thought it was funny, but I guess I was hoping for some understanding. I don’t have children, or a big family. All I have is my elderly mother. I do feel anxious about maybe being single and alone in the future.

Some emotional support from someone would be nice!
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Dang!

The way you said it, it actually even sounded funny. Some things are like that, are NOT funny at the time, but later on, can make a funny story. That struck me as sort of funny…wanting marriage, renegging, and saying…let’s live together for 5 years, first! My goodness! lol

It’s not funny, but it really sounded hilarious! HA! Dream on!

To which you said, “Don’t tell me no lines…and keep your hands to yourself!”

😉
 
ClearWater said:
…there are drawbacks even to marriage. Being single is much better than being in a bad marriage, say.

There is actually a joke about this.

It goes, “All single women want to be married, and married women want to be…dead!”

😉
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LOL. What makes it funny is the truth behind it!

(Not knocking marraige! I am quite unexpected blessed with a new and normal marraige, and happy in it!)
 
They do say that married men live longer than single men, and the opposite applies for women! I do feel for your situation Goldberry, as like many things today, marriage is perhaps seen as the preserve of the young - once you’re into your middle-age, other folk kind of think you’ve chosen or settled for the single life, when actually just the opposite could be the truth.

Have hope, I was 49 before I met my 100% right-for-me man, although I had many years with a 100% wrong-for-me man and I can tell you that I would have been so much happier on my own for those years. I met my Mr Right online, on a sports forum - we lived hundreds of miles apart. I pray it happens for you, personally I’m not keen on cats and I don’t think you should settle for that! 🙂
 
Ok, here is my insight into the situation. It is not meant to criticise you but to help with your soul searching
Goldberry said:
I was always the “champion of chastity,” and that scared a LOT of guys off from dating me.
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Maybe it scared guys off, but it NEVER scares a real man off. Trust me, I had men I though would definitely dump me like a hot potato once they knew no sex before marriage and they stuck around. Those guys never loved you, they just wanted one thing all along
Goldberry said:
I also have had a lot of problems with men who were terrified of any kind of commitment.
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Perhaps the reason you chose them is because you are terrified of commitment and it was an easy way to not look at yourself?
Goldberry said:
Anyway, one thing that is frustrating for me is that I can’t mention wanting to be married to anyone without negative responses about it. I’d really like people’s thoughts about this
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It is a very sensitive topic and very few people really are comfortable talking about it. So it is not you, it is them.

Reason people don’t like to talk about it

Single women will be scared you will be competition for the man they have a secret crush on. Married woman who have made their choice may be jealous that you still have the opportunity to make a better choice. People like to feel better at other’ s expense so they zoom in on your pain to feel better about themselves. And single women like me who are in the same boat as you are petrified you will pry about why I am single and I don’t want to go there.
Goldberry said:
Then my female professors at college have lectured me about how I don’t need a man, and they keep suggesting that somehow it’s not strong or liberated to want marriage. They actually quote “Jane Eyre” to me, even though she’s a fictional character!
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They are not God, don’t listen to them. Depending on what they teach, they may need to spread the baloney around to keep their profession alive
Goldberry said:
Then at my Catholic church, I’m just feeling that people don’t give a darn. If I ask people if they know anyone single, they act uncomfortable about it.
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Of course they get uncomfortable. Very few people want to call up a single man and say ‘Can I introduce you to Goldberry’. It is embarrassing because they probably feel they are getting too personal with the man. Not to mention if the man says sometimes very negative about you, they don’t want to be the one to tell you ‘he is not interested’
Goldberry said:
I get a lot of “why don’t you consider becoming a nun” comments (which I think I’m too old for at this point.) And if I try talking about being single, people hastily change the subject.
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Perhaps people no longer have patience to listen to it. As much as this is a big cross for you to bear, other people can’t be there for you because they have limited energy and to them, this is not an emergency. They don’t know how to tell you politely so they resort to passive aggressive behaviour
Goldberry said:
I was crying to my priest the other night that I was afraid of ending up becoming a lonely old cat lady, and he actually laughed! He said, “Oh well, cats are okay.”
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A good priest would have told you to accept God’s will. Let’s face it, how can a man who took the vow of celibacy know the first thing about dating
Goldberry said:
All I have is my elderly mother. I do feel anxious about maybe being single and alone in the future…
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A husband and kids is no guarantee you will not be alone in the future. What if they all die before you? What if your kids don’t keep in touch? The only thing we really have to depend on is God

Angie

Some emotional support from someone would be nice!
 
Hi Goldberry,
Hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

After my divorce, I raised two kids on my own for 17 years, wishing all the time I had a decent husband to help out. One day I was admiring a cherry tree in bloom, it was so beautiful, and it came to me that it would not be any more beautiful if I were married – that is, I could still enjoy a great many things as a single person.

One thing I hated about being single was that married women were worried when I was around their husbands, even though I had no designs on them whatsoever. It kind of limited my social life. And made me realize how insecure many women are in their marriages.

When my kids grew up and began leaving the nest, I decided I didn’t want to live alone, so I looked into adoption. Figured that a single mother would be better for kids in foster care than no one.
I ran into a lot of dead-ends – disabled children I knew I couldn’t manage, children with an angry father in jail for murder . …While I was still looking, I met my present husband. We got married and continued the process after 2 years, and ended up adopting two foster kids.
But really, it’s better to have no husband than a bad one. That just takes up all your time and energy and is so painful.
God has a plan for all our lives, we just have to be patient.
God bless.
 
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