Nephews girlfriend

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nana3

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I wanted some opinions because my nephew’s girlfriend came to my house asking for help. This girl has suffered in her life so much. She told me of the physical and emotional abuse her under went from her mother. Her mother slaps her face a lot. Well, her mom moved to another state and she was happy. She moved in with my sister and my nephew and are in separate bedrooms. They did have a child together. She just entered the Catholic Church this past Easter. She came to me very scared. She is afraid of her mother. Her mother is mentally unstable or on drugs. She sent this girl a birthday card. Well, she didn’t get it yet. She showed me the text her mom sent to her because she did not thank her for the card she nothing about or received it. The text messages were bad, but the message she left on her voicemail was worse. She threatens her and tells her to call her that night or she will be coming down here to Florida and she won’t like it. I told her she may need to get a restraining order. She too scared to do that. She called her mom in my presence and all I saw was a woman of 24 years old put her face down in shame and just listened for almost 20 minutes of being called names and ridiculed. It was horrible. I wanted to talk but didn’t. When she tried to talk to her mom, her mom would say she was talking and she is showing disrespect. There was nother she could say to please her mother. Her mother is demanding that she come visit her in this other state so that she can see he grandson. The fact that they have no money to take this trip didn’t matter to her. She was angry because her daughter was working. My nephew is not but is on disability due to severe learning disabilities. We are working on getting his high school diploma but he doesn’t understand much. He is 26 years old. I feel bad for him because he wants to marry this girl, but she has serious mental issues herself. Now that I hear her mom, I can understand why. The last visit from her mom did not go well. She was pregnant and her mom told her whe can put her in a mental institution and slapped her again. She told her on the phone call that I heard that she can slap her no matter if she is an adult because she is her mother and gave birth to her. She must of repeated that many times.

The conversation ended where her mom said they are no longer daughter and mother. She expressed how disappointed she was in her. Then her dad got involved and sent nasty text to her as well because these two, even though they are divorce, are still very close to each other. It’s a weird relationship. The mom also told her that one day she will be at her door step and demand to see her grandchild and if she wants to she can take him anywhere she pleases. This upset us all. She is talking about kidnapping the baby because her daughter won’t let her see him because they don’t have the money to go to her. She is crazy.

Should this girl, who can’t afford any lawyers, get a restraining order? She is so afraid that her dad would come after her if she did. Both parents have anger issues which she learned and is keeping my nephew from marrying her. What would you do or advice her?
 
I am not sure how to advise you. If you plan to help them you must get some legal advice for yourself. This situation is to volatile and dangerous for you to do much unless you know what you are doing. I speak from experience. They need help. They need professional help. You can only be of help if you know exactly what you are getting into.
 
I urge you to get local and personal advice on this. That was a threat to kidnap a child. This may be above the level of a restraining order already.
 
I agree that you and she need help from local sources. Maybe call a local abuse hotline and either let the girl speak with them, or tell them what you’ve witnessed. They would be able to direct you to the proper authorities and resources for your situation. Definitely keep the voicemail, texts, and any other records you can with dates and times, and names of witnesses when possible. I would think the poor girl is going to need counseling, as well.

What a horrid situation. Prayers for you and for her. :gopray2:
 
nana3 said:
Should this girl, who can’t afford any lawyers, get a restraining order? She is so afraid that her dad would come after her if she did. Both parents have anger issues which she learned and is keeping my nephew from marrying her. What would you do or advice her?
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Look up pro-bono legal counsel in the yellow pages or via Google for your local area.

If she does decide to ask for a restraining order, the harassing emails and phone voicemails certainly help build her case.

The girl (not a girl at 24 really) should not be alone with them and if they do “show up” she need not let them in or even answer the door. Call the police.
 
What is your sister doing to help her? You should talk to her about it and come to an agreement on how to proceed as they are living with her.
The other advice is very good though and I would bring these points up.
 
nana3 said:
I wanted some opinions because my nephew’s girlfriend came to my house asking for help. This girl has suffered in her life so much. She told me of the physical and emotional abuse her under went from her mother. Her mother slaps her face a lot. Well, her mom moved to another state and she was happy. She moved in with my sister and my nephew and are in separate bedrooms. They did have a child together. She just entered the Catholic Church this past Easter. She came to me very scared. She is afraid of her mother. Her mother is mentally unstable or on drugs. She sent this girl a birthday card. Well, she didn’t get it yet. She showed me the text her mom sent to her because she did not thank her for the card she nothing about or received it. The text messages were bad, but the message she left on her voicemail was worse. She threatens her and tells her to call her that night or she will be coming down here to Florida and she won’t like it. I told her she may need to get a restraining order. She too scared to do that. She called her mom in my presence and all I saw was a woman of 24 years old put her face down in shame and just listened for almost 20 minutes of being called names and ridiculed. It was horrible. I wanted to talk but didn’t. When she tried to talk to her mom, her mom would say she was talking and she is showing disrespect. There was nother she could say to please her mother. Her mother is demanding that she come visit her in this other state so that she can see he grandson. The fact that they have no money to take this trip didn’t matter to her. She was angry because her daughter was working. My nephew is not but is on disability due to severe learning disabilities. We are working on getting his high school diploma but he doesn’t understand much. He is 26 years old. I feel bad for him because he wants to marry this girl, but she has serious mental issues herself. Now that I hear her mom, I can understand why. The last visit from her mom did not go well. She was pregnant and her mom told her whe can put her in a mental institution and slapped her again. She told her on the phone call that I heard that she can slap her no matter if she is an adult because she is her mother and gave birth to her. She must of repeated that many times.

The conversation ended where her mom said they are no longer daughter and mother. She expressed how disappointed she was in her. Then her dad got involved and sent nasty text to her as well because these two, even though they are divorce, are still very close to each other. It’s a weird relationship. The mom also told her that one day she will be at her door step and demand to see her grandchild and if she wants to she can take him anywhere she pleases. This upset us all. She is talking about kidnapping the baby because her daughter won’t let her see him because they don’t have the money to go to her. She is crazy.

Should this girl, who can’t afford any lawyers, get a restraining order? She is so afraid that her dad would come after her if she did. Both parents have anger issues which she learned and is keeping my nephew from marrying her. What would you do or advice her?
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She needs to contact Legal Aid and see what options they have available. Typically most areas have a service in place for people who cannot afford lawyers.
 
may I suggest having the couple get counselling with a therapist or talk to a priest as well?

I know they may want to get married but there are too many issues here for that to properly happen at the moment
 
nana3 said:
I wanted some opinions because my nephew’s girlfriend came to my house asking for help. This girl has suffered in her life so much. She told me of the physical and emotional abuse her under went from her mother. Her mother slaps her face a lot. Well, her mom moved to another state and she was happy. She moved in with my sister and my nephew and are in separate bedrooms. They did have a child together. She just entered the Catholic Church this past Easter. She came to me very scared. She is afraid of her mother. Her mother is mentally unstable or on drugs. She sent this girl a birthday card. Well, she didn’t get it yet. She showed me the text her mom sent to her because she did not thank her for the card she nothing about or received it. The text messages were bad, but the message she left on her voicemail was worse. She threatens her and tells her to call her that night or she will be coming down here to Florida and she won’t like it. I told her she may need to get a restraining order. She too scared to do that. She called her mom in my presence and all I saw was a woman of 24 years old put her face down in shame and just listened for almost 20 minutes of being called names and ridiculed. It was horrible. I wanted to talk but didn’t. When she tried to talk to her mom, her mom would say she was talking and she is showing disrespect. There was nother she could say to please her mother. Her mother is demanding that she come visit her in this other state so that she can see he grandson. The fact that they have no money to take this trip didn’t matter to her. She was angry because her daughter was working. My nephew is not but is on disability due to severe learning disabilities. We are working on getting his high school diploma but he doesn’t understand much. He is 26 years old. I feel bad for him because he wants to marry this girl, but she has serious mental issues herself. Now that I hear her mom, I can understand why. The last visit from her mom did not go well. She was pregnant and her mom told her whe can put her in a mental institution and slapped her again. She told her on the phone call that I heard that she can slap her no matter if she is an adult because she is her mother and gave birth to her. She must of repeated that many times.

The conversation ended where her mom said they are no longer daughter and mother. She expressed how disappointed she was in her. Then her dad got involved and sent nasty text to her as well because these two, even though they are divorce, are still very close to each other. It’s a weird relationship. The mom also told her that one day she will be at her door step and demand to see her grandchild and if she wants to she can take him anywhere she pleases. This upset us all. She is talking about kidnapping the baby because her daughter won’t let her see him because they don’t have the money to go to her. She is crazy.

Should this girl, who can’t afford any lawyers, get a restraining order? She is so afraid that her dad would come after her if she did. Both parents have anger issues which she learned and is keeping my nephew from marrying her. What would you do or advice her?
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Of course she should get a restraining order; go down to the police department and ask to speak to someone who can advise her of her rights in your state. She should also get rid of her phone, service provider and number. Get caller ID on the house phone and refuse to take any more calls from them. Slapping people is criminal assault and kid napping is also against the law; they have done and threatened to do both; get legal help NOW.
 
I think this girl needs to get the law involved. However, my concern is if you keep trying to help her and she refuses to get legal help, you are becoming the enabler. Only help her as much as she is helping herself. Trust me, I have played the ‘A good Catholic would help someone in a situation like this’ and the only thing it got me was trouble. Don’t help someone who won’t help themselves

Angie
 
Anglewannabe said:
I think this girl needs to get the law involved. However, my concern is if you keep trying to help her and she refuses to get legal help, you are becoming the enabler. Only help her as much as she is helping herself. Trust me, I have played the ‘A good Catholic would help someone in a situation like this’ and the only thing it got me was trouble. Don’t help someone who won’t help themselves

Angie
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I didn’t get the impression that the girl was against get legal help, but was in over her head as far as how to go about it and was concerned whether a restraining order is the best solution. I understand that the vast majority of domestic abuse murders happen after a restraining order has been issued. It’s not unwise to have a secondary safety plan in place before seeking “protection” that amounts to a court order on a piece of paper. Getting a new phone and finding a safe place to live would be a good idea.
 
Poor woman.

I bet she’s been beaten down all her life. It would take a miracle for her to stand up to her abusers.

You have been given good advise. In the meantime I will pray for you and her.

May God keep you both safe.
 
I agree - poor woman. And yes you have gotten good advice so I only have a little to add. Your being there listening and witnessing what she goes through blesses her so much. You really served our Lord who loves her so much when you did that. Because she probably very much needs the validation of someone witnessing and saying, “That is not right, what is happening to you.” I agree with the other posters here that now that you know what she is going through it would be good to point her in the direction of the help she needs.

She seriously needs to learn how to make boundaries. She is handicapped from being raised by entitled boundary pushers but the good news is, so are lots of others, and so there are good books on the topic to teach those who missed out on a normal life lesson. An abuse counselor would certainly instruct her and being involved in an abuse support group would help her as she learns to put up boundaries. But also she needs to read on her own. A good book for a start is: “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend Its a very good book and you see you can get it used for only 1.79 plus 3.00 shipping! Also it comes in audio if she is an auditory learner. You will find the book very interesting too.

A boundary I would have made (I realize when one has not made boundaries or witnessed them being made growing up, its very hard, especially first - but people learn!) is to cut off her mother as soon as she started talking in that way, saying, “I don’t like that kind of talk” and if she continues, announce, “I am not comfortable with this conversation; I am hanging up,” and hang up without any “by your leave”.

Because her mother and her father should not get ANY attention if they cannot treat her with basic human respect. She is a mom now herself and its a whole different ball game. HER JOB as Mom to this helpless little one is frankly the MORE IMPORTANT JOB. They *did *their important job already, for what it was worth, and its HER turn now.

So her parents can do the hard work of learning how to act decent if they want to talk to her. Because why would she want to expose her son to this kind of strife? Does she want her son learning from a young age that it is okay to talk to his Mom, or any Mom, or any woman like that?? NO! The little son needs to be protected so this sin is not carried on to the next generation and the next. Yes, its better for her son to NOT grow up thinking this kind of talk is normal, and better for her son to see what you do when someone talks to you like this: You walk away. You cut them off. He can see by observing his mother that such people can have her ear when they treat her with human decency.

In a past life (I’m not talking reincarnation!:rolleyes:) I was married to a man who treated me poorly. Not quite that poorly - I’d have known better - but covertly and constantly abusive. An abuse counselor told me in order to start out on my new frightening life of making normal boundaries, I was to one day, when all was calm, simply say to my ex, “I have decided it is not okay for anyone to yell at me anymore.” She told me to just be vague if he asked,“What are you going to do about it?” like saying, “I’m thinking about it” - but he did not ask. She told me to have a bag packed in my car for my son and I and as soon as he started yelling, leave for the night, only explaining, “I don’t like yelling.” And so I followed this through. This was NOT EASY for me. But I had read this counselor’s book, and she knew what to do, and I followed her advice… its a long story I am not going to write here, but the point is, there are MANY abuse counselors who know exactly what your nephew’s girlfriend is going through and they can help her make boundaries. They know how to help her. She needs that help and she needs to do the hard work of learning a new and better way to deal with her life’s difficulties, so that she can make her life better for herself and for her son.

A lot has happened to me since then. The marriage ended beyond my control and I was a single Mom a long time and no longer lived under that oppression but I took on many practical difficulties that I never faced before and it scared me but I praise God because that fear made me rely on Him like I never had before. Jesus healed my heart from that emotionally brutal experience, and He can heal your nephew’s girlfriend’s heart too. So she has that to look forward to. Jesus heals hearts.

I unexpectedly fell in love with and married a good, normal, kind man and I am very happy (my previous marriage was annulled). So I truly believe that with help for her boundary issue, and a reliance on her daily relationship with Our Lord Jesus, and with Mary as her advocate, her future is good, in spite of the terrible seeming hopeless mess things are now. She needs a LOT of supernatural grace. The good thing is God gives us the amount of grace we need; obviously, she needs a LOT. And God’s ordinary way of pouring down those supernatural graces is through the Sacraments. So embrace that for yourself so you can encourage her of that truth. And she has your prayers!
 
Thank you everyone. I appreciate the recommendation for her to get help and read books. The books will not be read though. She has severe learning problems and reading is one of them. That is why her mom use to tell her she would never amount to anything. My nephew her boyfriend has dyslexia and other severe learning problems too. He really wants his high school diploma and we have been working on it for years. That is how slow he is. He gets really depressed because he wants to work with computers. He doesn’t feel he can be a good dad and the same for this girl. She texted me again last night. She sent me the text her dad sent her. He tells he will not bother her anymore on the subject of her mother, but then text her and text her about talking to her mom. She thought she was bothering me because she knows I have my own issues in my marriage. I am trying to prevent them from being unhappy because my nephew also has issues and verbally is abusive to her when she looses it and starts yelling at him and slapping him. She has been physically abusive to him. He tries to hold her down, but she gets scared. I forgot to mention that his girl at the age of 15 was raped by three boys. Her parents don’t believe her and says she is lying. Trust me she is not lying. When she texted me yesterday, I told her then that she needs to get legal help and also see a counselor for herself. She needs to tell someone about all this abuse she is getting and help her turn away from it. She is weak. I feel bad for her. My sister has her mental health issues and the two of them don’t get alone. There is no reasoning with my sister. They want to move out, but my nephew doesn’t know if he will marry this woman due to her explosive anger. He is tired of it all. I know of a woman who can help them both but she doesn’t take insurance and is very expensive. So this girl is on medicaid and has to see one of their counselors. I did suggest going to Catholic Social Services too. She is one that usually has to be forced to go get things done. For now she has told me she doesn’t want her mom near the baby because she is afraid she will kidnap the baby. She told this to her dad in a text and he just ignored the thread and didn’t believe her. Well, this time she has two other witnesses that heard her mom threatening this. The parents usually tell us that their daughter is crazy and likes to lie a lot and misunderstands things, so people don’t believe her. I will agree she lies a lot, but since I was there hearing the conversation, I know she did not misunderstand or was not lying.

I did tell her to start praying more for she is a new convert to Catholicism but she has not gone to Mass lately. I asked her to start going even if my nephew doesn’t go. He is angry at God for so call making him “stupid” and so he doesn’t go to Mass or prays. It’s sad. I have been trying to find something he can do. The therapist that was helping them told them that they both need to treat each other with kindness and not yelling. They fight a lot. The baby is listening to all this.

Well, thanks for the prayers and keep praying for them. Pray the Lord will give me the right words when she needs to hear them.
 
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