Never been in a relationship and would really want a boyfriend

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LoveAndSparkles

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I am 21 years old and I have never had a boyfriend, or been in a relationship. At my age now I am feeling more like I really want that and am thinking about how in the future down the road I want to get married.(Like before im 31) I didnt worry about it in High school as it didnt seem very important to me and I wanted to enjoy my teen years having fun and being me. In the middle of my freshman year of college, I started to really intensely want to be in a relationship and have a special someone to hang out with. I had a good amount of friends. Im not super popular, im an introvert and i have a small group of friends and then some acquaintances i like to see from time to time. Hanging out in a group of friends has been and will always be wonderful and fun for me but I want something more as well. Now I am pretty much the only one of my friends who isnt or hasnt been in a relationship at anytime. So i got a little self conscious. I decided to pray about it and not worry too much because if it’s God’s will it will happen and i dont want to be impatient and anxious.
I am also conflicted because I feel that I shouldnt be worried about men, I should be filling my heart with my love for jesus and no earthly man can give that kind of love. Am I right about this? do I just need to get closer to Jesus or is my longing for human affection and attention normal? I also dont see my friend’s often anymore as we grow apart so I have been more alone lately and i wish i just had a boyfriend to hang out with alone.
 
Do you want a boyfriend in general, or is there a guy you are actively crushing on?
 
Does your parish have a Young Adult group? Get involved.

That’s where my wife found me. (quite literally–she came across the room over the beard and western hat [and found the matching boots, too])

In general, just get involved and donate times at Catholic things. We’re out there.

hawk
 
In your other thread you talk about never wanting children, seeking to have your tubes tied, and that you have mental health issues you are dealing with.

I suggest you find a Catholic therapist to work through all this with. I don’t think seeking out a romantic relationship is in your best interest right now.
 
LoveAndSparkles said:
Am I right about this?
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To vast a post to address in its entirety. Saint John Paul II addressed this at length in ways I could never competently paraphrase. If you want the “master text” read “Love and Responsibility” by Karol Wojtyla, further elaboration in “Theology of the Body” also by the great John Paul II.

I understand what you describe, take it easy on yourself. Take this time for one more serious reflection on the subject or you’ll, more likely than not, make a series of mistakes you are likely to regret latter. I must also say, your post is really beautiful on many levels, for its sincerity and longing to love. You address several kinds of love, but the subject is specifically: “spousal love”. That takes preparation and wisdom to live happily and fully. Be prudent on this. Have we not all seen so many examples of folks that set out to live such a love and paid dearly a heavy price of their mistakes. Are you able to evaluate the other person, to see if the other person has what it takes and is ready to live realistically, with you, what you desire? Don’t settle for anything less, not on something as important as this.
 
I know how you feel just about!

We should do God’s Will, whether it be to marriage or to religious life.

But the older you get the quicker time seems to fly. You don’t want to get into either too late and you get a bit anxious.
But the important thing is that sometimes waiting is the answer. How old was Moses when he was given his mission?
 
Brittany said:
Fourth, be patient. Take it from me, do not date someone 3 weeks after meeting them. Bad idea.
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Not always. It depends on the individuals involved and their respective maturity levels.

Not to derail the thread, but Brittany, you might want to qualify for the OP that while you’re offering quite conclusive advice in this area, you, yourself, are a teenager. Given that the OP is older and at a different stage of their life, perhaps they would be better placed seeking advice from people who are similarly placed or who have been through that stage in their lives.
 
I don’t think what your feeling is abnormal, but I think you’re also feeling the conflicting messages from a society that tells women we HAVE to have a boyfriend to be complete and happy.

You said you’re 21 and have never been in a relationship. Have you been unhappy up until now? Have you felt unfulfilled? Other than wanting “someone to hang out with” can you see something missing in your life that a romantic relationship would fill?

I’m in my early thirties. I would say my most disastrous relationships were in my early twenties when I was preoccupied with thinking I needed a boyfriend and afraid of being alone. In my thirties, I’ve learned to be alone. I’ve learned to be independent. And I’ve learned it’s not as scary as it was when I was 21. Now when I enter a relationship, I do so as a complete person who is looking to bring something to the table, not take something from it to fill an empty part of myself.

I’ve also learned to accept that maybe marriage isn’t the path God has chosen for me. Maybe it is. I don’t know. I’m happy to take whatever path He asks me to follow. Being open to those different paths has taken some of the pressure of my shoulders. You could try some spiritual reading in Ignatian spirituality and see if it might help you with your own journey.
 
Brittany said:
Of course, most of the time age does make a difference. But if I were the same age as the OP, would you have said anything about my advice?

I only offer my advice because I’ve been in a relationship before. It lasted for 2 years and 4 months, and I learned quite a bit from it. The advice I give here comes from what I learned in my relationship. Although I am not the same age as OP and I’m not in the same situation, I feel that I’m certainly qualified to give advice on what I have been through myself.

If OP asks for advice on things I haven’t experienced, I’ll certainly let her know that I am not experienced in that field. Thank you for your concern. 🙂
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If you were the same age as the OP, no I wouldn’t have said anything. But you aren’t. You’re a number of years younger (4-5 if memory serves), and there is a significant amount of growing up that happens in those 4-5 years.

And you’ll point out I actually didn’t tell you not to give advice. I suggested that, since you are significantly younger than the OP, and at a much different life stage, you might consider qualifying your advice by sharing this information so that the OP can decide for themselves what weight to give your advice.
 
Thank you
I totally agree with everything you said! That is part of why I think i havent been in a relationship. I dont want to just settle and be with just anyone. I want a real thing with someone i can see myself growing with and someone who also loves god. That has been hard for me to find. There are also so many people my age just into hook up culture and i know a lot of friends who have started relationships from hook ups but thats not my thing at all. I want to stay a virgin until im married and a lot of guys see that as a deal breaker and dont want to date me because of that. That doesnt bother me though, i dont want to be with a guy that is gonna want sex from me all the time or be upset that i wont put out. Im definately trying to be patient and yes I am always wanting to get closer to jesus! That always makes me feel good! I just worry that im longing for a relationship so much because im not focusing on Jesus enough.
Thanks for your reply!
 
i want a boyfriend in general but i never meet guys that fit me or even like me at all haha
 
at my university there is A center where catholic students can hang out and we do mass there and all sorts of things there and go on trips together and hold events together. I am also part of the Young life club thing at my school where other types of Christians come together to do similar things as well. My school is like 75% female though so many guys are taken, or they’re not they type of guy that i want to be with or im not the type of girl they want to be with (With hookup culture being so prevalent in college and me wanting to stay a virgin until marriage)
 
lol thanks. I have a catholic therapist that ive been seeing more 3 years and have a great relationship with. I still have the same feelings and honestly it all makes me feel terrible about myself and i wish i was different. Im working on things. life is hard but i learn on the Lord. Im just so stressed about myself now getting answers from people lol i want to cry. Im gonna pray on all this and sleep on it and revisit it later on as life goes on. I really appreciate you answering my questions!
 
Your Catholic therapist didn’t mention Catholic teaching? For those who promote searching for a Catholic therapist, rather than a competent secular therapist, I’m not sure I see the advantage.
 
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I’ve never been in a relationship either, but going off of what many married/dating women have told me, it’s a lot better to be single and wish you were in a relationship than to be in a relationship and wish you were single. Enjoy your freedom, and wait until you find a guy you can love.
 
I definately feel that something is largely missing in the form of a commited loving relationship. This is also why i worry that im not as close to Jesus as i should be because maybe the void i feel can be filled with Jesus. I always try ti get closer to the Lord everyday and i find a lot of Joy in it but during the past 3 years of my life I started to feel an emptiness that i think will be filled with a relationship.
It is hard because i dont like hookup culture. I dont want to be in a relationship where im having sex outside of marriage and a lot of guys find that out from me and then its a deal breaker and they dont want to be with me. That is fine with me because i want a guy that feels as I do about sex and waiting.
I want so badly to be in love with someone I can also call my best friend. I want to grow with him and support him through life and be there for him. I want to be what I call super wife haha. It would bring me a lot of Joy to bring a man Joy and be able to experience life with him and love him, serve him and have fun with him.
I find it so easy to love and care for people in so many ways and I do gladly because i think the world needs more love but I am missing one type of love and that is romantic love and its really been bumming me out and it feel weird not having it and contributing to that.
 
ah, ok thank you! I always say Jesus comes first and I pray that I find a guy who feels the same way and we can share in that together.
 
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