Never had romance stage of Marriage

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Looking at the 4 stages of marriage (1) Romance, (2) Disillusionment, (3) Misery, and (4) Awakening, I believe my marriage skip of the romance stage.

Little about me\us…I have been marriage to my wife for just over 6 years and we have no children. We did not co-habitat and after our wedding was the first time we slept together… We have had a rocky road for a long time, and I always hoped things would turn around. We tried marriage encounter years ago and only lead to more problems, we have done both marriage counseling and individual counseling, and I have talked to many priest over a several years. Recently we attended Retrouvialle and although it is a wonderful program it has been causing me stress. (I do believe anyone thinking of divorce should attend Retrouville). My wife has been abusive toward me both emotional\physical and she has been diagnosed with a severe personality a little over a year ago. We have been also most living as bother and sister for the past 2 years and in different bedrooms for the past 10 months.

So now for question… I have asked for a divorce but my wife refuses. I do not think the romance stage of our marriage ever happened… If it did not can a marriage like this me saved?
 
james076 said:
Looking at the 4 stages of marriage (1) Romance, (2) Disillusionment, (3) Misery, and (4) Awakening, I believe my marriage skip of the romance stage.

Little about me\us…I have been marriage to my wife for just over 6 years and we have no children. We did not co-habitat and after our wedding was the first time we slept together… We have had a rocky road for a long time, and I always hoped things would turn around. We tried marriage encounter years ago and only lead to more problems, we have done both marriage counseling and individual counseling, and I have talked to many priest over a several years. Recently we attended Retrouvialle and although it is a wonderful program it has been causing me stress. (I do believe anyone thinking of divorce should attend Retrouville). My wife has been abusive toward me both emotional\physical and she has been diagnosed with a severe personality a little over a year ago. We have been also most living as bother and sister for the past 2 years and in different bedrooms for the past 10 months.

So now for question… I have asked for a divorce but my wife refuses. I do not think the romance stage of our marriage ever happened… If it did not can a marriage like this me saved?
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Have you ever heard of the seven year itch? Statistically speaking, its when marriages enter a high-stress period marked by high levels of dissatisfaction often leading to infidelity.

Hang in there. You can make it.
 
james076 said:
Looking at the 4 stages of marriage (1) Romance, (2) Disillusionment, (3) Misery, and (4) Awakening, I believe my marriage skip of the romance stage.

Little about me\us…I have been marriage to my wife for just over 6 years and we have no children. We did not co-habitat and after our wedding was the first time we slept together… We have had a rocky road for a long time, and I always hoped things would turn around. We tried marriage encounter years ago and only lead to more problems, we have done both marriage counseling and individual counseling, and I have talked to many priest over a several years. Recently we attended Retrouvialle and although it is a wonderful program it has been causing me stress. (I do believe anyone thinking of divorce should attend Retrouville). My wife has been abusive toward me both emotional\physical and she has been diagnosed with a severe personality a little over a year ago. We have been also most living as bother and sister for the past 2 years and in different bedrooms for the past 10 months.

So now for question… I have asked for a divorce but my wife refuses. I do not think the romance stage of our marriage ever happened… If it did not can a marriage like this me saved?
Click to expand...
This is a very tough situation. It may be better to call it quits than to continue where your wife is calling all the shots and being abusive - but listen most to the advice of those who are closest to the situation, such as your priest and/or relatives. Am I to guess that you are working, even providing for her, and yet you have no say in the running of the house? My marriage was like that, and I’ve seen it happen to others.

As to your question, I can just comment that my marriage ended up like yours (somewhat) although we did have a strong romance stage. I suspect it doesn’t make much difference.
 
james076 said:
Looking at the 4 stages of marriage (1) Romance, (2) Disillusionment, (3) Misery, and (4) Awakening, I believe my marriage skip of the romance stage.

Little about me\us…I have been marriage to my wife for just over 6 years and we have no children. We did not co-habitat and after our wedding was the first time we slept together… We have had a rocky road for a long time, and I always hoped things would turn around. We tried marriage encounter years ago and only lead to more problems, we have done both marriage counseling and individual counseling, and I have talked to many priest over a several years. Recently we attended Retrouvialle and although it is a wonderful program it has been causing me stress. (I do believe anyone thinking of divorce should attend Retrouville). My wife has been abusive toward me both emotional\physical and she has been diagnosed with a severe personality a little over a year ago. We have been also most living as bother and sister for the past 2 years and in different bedrooms for the past 10 months.

So now for question… I have asked for a divorce but my wife refuses. I do not think the romance stage of our marriage ever happened… If it did not can a marriage like this me saved?
Click to expand...
I am so sorry. In talking with the priests, what do they say? Did it seem like your wife may have had mental illness before marriage? Is the personality disorder border line? Legally, you do not need her permission to get a divorce with no fault divorce. But with the abuse, you would have a good case. I am so sorry again. I’ll pray for wisdom on what to do.
 
Please don’t give up!!! Many marriages around the world don’t have a “romance stage” at first( they are agreed to by the couple or arranged in various ways) and that does not make them bad marriages. I have seen many positive marriages that did not start out with a romantic stage! Latter in the marriage the couple may have a romantic stage. Not all marriages go through those stages that you mentioned like that, but to know that information would be comforting and useful for those who do follow that pattern but this isn’t your case.

Never the less you are hurting and have made effort and your wife too because she has attended those programs too.

Your wife wants to be married to YOU!

Please tell us more about “severe personality” and treatment. It seems this may be key.

Wise comments above.

Prayers.
 
james076 said:
Looking at the 4 stages of marriage (1) Romance, (2) Disillusionment, (3) Misery, and (4) Awakening, I believe my marriage skip of the romance stage.

Little about me\us…I have been marriage to my wife for just over 6 years and we have no children. We did not co-habitat and after our wedding was the first time we slept together… We have had a rocky road for a long time, and I always hoped things would turn around. We tried marriage encounter years ago and only lead to more problems, we have done both marriage counseling and individual counseling, and I have talked to many priest over a several years. Recently we attended Retrouvialle and although it is a wonderful program it has been causing me stress. (I do believe anyone thinking of divorce should attend Retrouville). My wife has been abusive toward me both emotional\physical and she has been diagnosed with a severe personality a little over a year ago. We have been also most living as bother and sister for the past 2 years and in different bedrooms for the past 10 months.

So now for question… I have asked for a divorce but my wife refuses. I do not think the romance stage of our marriage ever happened… If it did not can a marriage like this me saved?
Click to expand...
Wow! You have sure tried hard to save your marriage what with the counseling, Retrovaille, Marriage Encounter and the rest.

That’s rough due to the mental illness and physical and emotional abuse.

I was married before, never felt I had a romance stage, that I skipped over that, as well. It sometimes felt like I got the drawbacks of marriage without the benefits. When one has that, it’s frustrating and disappointing, because it can feel like there are no pro’s to outweigh the con’s. I went straight to disappointment and misery!

I wish you could have a courtship stage to your marriage now, but due to the mental illness, it may not be possible.

I’m concerned about the physical abuse. Yeah, I like to see marriages saved, but I don’t like to see people injured in the process.

Do whatever you need to do in order to stay safe. I don’t think Our Lord intended that in marriage we were to be someone else’s punching bag.
 
Til death do us part. Your married so do whatever it takes to resolve your issues. I can here the frustration in your note but see it through at all costs. Find out more about her illness or disorder and start there. Google it and use their advice. Humility is essential in our faith.
 
I draw some lines when it’s a case of physical abuse, especially.

You don’t have to divorce if you don’t want. You can separate if that’s the only way you can be safe.

I worked a short time in mental health with kids. Some used to kick and bite. The adults were stronger, and I didn’t stay in the US long. I’ve heard what can happen when someone is not right. They can hurt, even kill.
 
Just went online and was reading about that severe personality disorder. Wow!

I’m surprised you lasted this long!

Again, do **WHATEVER **you have to do in order to be safe. Protect yourself above all else.
 
WilT said:
Til death do us part. Your married so do whatever it takes to resolve your issues. I can here the frustration in your note but see it through at all costs. Find out more about her illness or disorder and start there. Google it and use their advice. Humility is essential in our faith.
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I think from what he described he is doing whatever it takes. Being in a bad marriage like this is as about as bad as it gets. Telling Op too bad so sad with a suck it up doesn’t help him.
 
WilT said:
Til death do us part. Your married so do whatever it takes to resolve your issues. I can here the frustration in your note but see it through at all costs. Find out more about her illness or disorder and start there. Google it and use their advice. Humility is essential in our faith.
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Resolve this? Resolve a severe personality disorder? How?

He’s pretty much already tried, and exhausted, many options.
 
In mental health, I find the use of the word “severe” significant, because what is even “mild” by their standards can really be quite a bit of a challenge.
 
She’s seriously mentally ill and abusive. You have done what you can to save the marriage. It failed. You are within your rights to leave her and file for divorce. Once the divorce is final apply for annulment. If you’re in the US you do not need her permission for either the divorce or annulment.
 
Thanks all for you advice and thoughts.

To the questions about which personalty disorder it is borderline. I can see sign of it now from before the marriage but I really never heard of it before the marriage. I am sure some people have made marriages work with some with this, but it really does not become a marriage. These people also need to be loved and cared for, I started it and wish to make it work as long as I can. At some point though, I lost myself, and I am having a hard time pulling myself up. (Not necessary in a depressive way).

I realize that others may have skip of the romance stage for a variety of reason, but when someone has a personalty disorder it makes it difficult to ever create it.

If any out there has a personalty, do know that you are loved my many, you blessed my god, and are a beautify person. If we are able to p(name removed by moderator)oint her diagnose earlier I think things work be different.
 
I’m not sure what the “romance stage” is.

When my wife and I first met, we disliked each other pretty intensely; better reason on her part than on mine. I was pretty vain and I am sure I showed it. She, on the other hand, interfered with my “charming” (or attempting it) other women; something she knew to be superficial and false.

At a point, strangely, we agreed to be each other’s “confidant”. We could still dislike each other but pledged to be non-aggressive toward each other and entirely honest in every way. And we did that. We both went out with others for a time, but then started dating each other. Somehow nothing worked except with each other. Eventually we both recognized that we loved each other in that “intimate partners in life” sort of way, and wanted always to be together, and that somehow that “confidant” relationship was the catalyst for it.

Yes, she was, and is, beautiful and witty and entertaining too. But I will have to say at least this much. I had been more “infatuated” with other women in the past. I don’t know if that’s what people call the “romance stage” or not. Our relationship was based on a different reality, and it’s still there.

I realize the OP has a wholly different situation and problem. I only said the above because I have some question about the meaning of the “romance stage”, and wanted to distinguish the initial steps in forming a relationship from infatuation.
 
James, thank you for giving us a little more information. I was just about to ask for it when I saw your post. You didn’t know until last year, that really, your wife had a mental illness, is that right? I’ve been praying for you and your wife since I read your post. Is your wife being treated now by a qualified physiatrist? I tried to read up on personality disorders- there are so many different ones! God bless you and I am going to continue to pray for you and your wife!!!
 
your situation hits very close to home. Difference is I’ve lasted 22 years. Don’t know what that says - don’t construe it necessarily as me cheering you on to stick it out for better or for worse. It might mean I am in denial and a fool.
 
Op, again I am sorry about the marriage. I am not sure where it will end up but I think you need to make it clear to your wife, you will not tolerate any more abuse. Let her know that the next time she hits you (or whatever it is), you will call the police and leave. You will no longer accept abuse from her. Likewise, I would make a plan of a place where you can go and stay. Border line personality disorder is about the hardest one to treat and deal with. You do not need her permission to divorce her. I think with what you shared and all the attempt to make this work, it is time to draw a line in the sand with the abuse and be willing to let the chips fall where they will.
 
james076 said:
Looking at the 4 stages of marriage (1) Romance, (2) Disillusionment, (3) Misery, and (4) Awakening, I believe my marriage skip of the romance stage.

Little about me\us…I have been marriage to my wife for just over 6 years and we have no children. We did not co-habitat and after our wedding was the first time we slept together… We have had a rocky road for a long time, and I always hoped things would turn around. We tried marriage encounter years ago and only lead to more problems, we have done both marriage counseling and individual counseling, and I have talked to many priest over a several years. Recently we attended Retrouvialle and although it is a wonderful program it has been causing me stress. (I do believe anyone thinking of divorce should attend Retrouville). My wife has been abusive toward me both emotional\physical and she has been diagnosed with a severe personality a little over a year ago. We have been also most living as bother and sister for the past 2 years and in different bedrooms for the past 10 months.

So now for question… I have asked for a divorce but my wife refuses. I do not think the romance stage of our marriage ever happened… If it did not can a marriage like this me saved?
Click to expand...
Prayers
 
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