New Catholic in Spiritual Battle - I Need Help!

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sanchopanza

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I’m in the fight of my life here, so only serious responses please.

I am a 36 year-old man who experienced an awakening last summer after drifting from the Church somewhere between First Communion and Confirmation thanks to a father who is irreligious and preferred I play sports than learn about God (I will be confirmed next Easter, however). In the interim I went to Mass a handful of times, mostly with my “Catholic” girlfriend with whom I was sleeping. It took me a number of months to understand what had happened after my awakening and not until about 7-8 months later did I really begin praying, attending Mass numerous times each week and reading Scripture. It didn’t take long for me to become something of a militant albeit very amateur Catholic once prayer, Mass and Scripture became a part of my life, in addition to regular talks with my priest.

But my life leading up to the awakening was one in which my morality was little more than an echo of my self-interest. I abused drugs and alcohol, had countless sexual relationships, lied, cheated, etc., and lived a life that rejected God in every way. Little did I know how truly sick and mired in sin I was, for while I thought I was rather smart I was in fact very ignorant, fatuous and wicked in heart, mind and soul. In short, while I can point to some things in my life and family that “messed me up”, I blame no one but myself. The Lord saved my life more times than I know, and although I have a relationship with Him for the first time in my life, the enemy is fighting back and attacking my every slip and weakness. Just about six months into a conversion rife with symptoms of purgation, the new, real me that Christ is giving life to is still vying with the old me that is surely dying, but is still ravenous and thirsting for sin.

I have slipped when it comes to sex. I split up with my “Catholic” girlfriend because she didn’t see unmarried sex as a bad thing. Until very recently I said I loved her, but this war I’m waging in the throes of conversion makes me realize that even my notion of love is corrupt and mired in sensuality. I pray daily to Christ to lead my old sinful self up Calvary and nail me to a cross. I am horrified by what I am after the past 25 years living in the spirit of the world and collecting the wages of sin. Only God can help me, and while He has given me wonderful consolations, effected profound changes in my being and began the work of leading me forward, I am so much weaker than I thought (and utterly dependent upon Him for everything). I fight, but sometimes I slip, other times I fall. I encountered my ex and I fell hard, and then the enemy came back in a way that frightened me, setting me like an animal on satisfying my lower nature. I know I need to steer clear of my ex, but it’s harder than I ever imagined. I’ve sinned knowing the damage it causes to both of us, and sometimes I have dark urges all day.

Please help me. I love Christ and want to save my soul, but I am still purging all the poison and perversion from living like a pagan in the world so long.
 
It seems the closer we get to God (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit), the more satan tries to bring us down.

As Catholics/Christians we must be vigil, fight hard to stay on the right path, pray, talk to the priest, do whatever it takes to try not to fall into temptation. Then our faith and love for God is all the stronger.

God Bless!

Our Father, Who art in Heaven, hallowed be
Thy Name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy Will be done,
on earth, as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our
daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we
forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us
not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.
 
All I can say is pray without ceasing. Keep praying until you feel the urge to do what Christ did to forgive others not just on petty things but on tough things, to love your neighbor as yourself, etc… After this keep praying and thank the Holy Spirit for transforming you. Prayer is not simply you talking to God it is God coming down and transforming you spiritually.

It took me a while to realize that I cannot continue to pray the Rosary and still be mean to the people in my life so I have made a change and with God’s grace will continue to do so.
 
sanchopanza said:
I’m in the fight of my life here, so only serious responses please.

I am a 36 year-old man who experienced an awakening last summer after drifting from the Church somewhere between First Communion and Confirmation thanks to a father who is irreligious and preferred I play sports than learn about God (I will be confirmed next Easter, however). In the interim I went to Mass a handful of times, mostly with my “Catholic” girlfriend with whom I was sleeping. It took me a number of months to understand what had happened after my awakening and not until about 7-8 months later did I really begin praying, attending Mass numerous times each week and reading Scripture. It didn’t take long for me to become something of a militant albeit very amateur Catholic once prayer, Mass and Scripture became a part of my life, in addition to regular talks with my priest.

But my life leading up to the awakening was one in which my morality was little more than an echo of my self-interest. I abused drugs and alcohol, had countless sexual relationships, lied, cheated, etc., and lived a life that rejected God in every way. Little did I know how truly sick and mired in sin I was, for while I thought I was rather smart I was in fact very ignorant, fatuous and wicked in heart, mind and soul. In short, while I can point to some things in my life and family that “messed me up”, I blame no one but myself. The Lord saved my life more times than I know, and although I have a relationship with Him for the first time in my life, the enemy is fighting back and attacking my every slip and weakness. Just about six months into a conversion rife with symptoms of purgation, the new, real me that Christ is giving life to is still vying with the old me that is surely dying, but is still ravenous and thirsting for sin.

I have slipped when it comes to sex. I split up with my “Catholic” girlfriend because she didn’t see unmarried sex as a bad thing. Until very recently I said I loved her, but this war I’m waging in the throes of conversion makes me realize that even my notion of love is corrupt and mired in sensuality. I pray daily to Christ to lead my old sinful self up Calvary and nail me to a cross. I am horrified by what I am after the past 25 years living in the spirit of the world and collecting the wages of sin. Only God can help me, and while He has given me wonderful consolations, effected profound changes in my being and began the work of leading me forward, I am so much weaker than I thought (and utterly dependent upon Him for everything). I fight, but sometimes I slip, other times I fall. I encountered my ex and I fell hard, and then the enemy came back in a way that frightened me, setting me like an animal on satisfying my lower nature. I know I need to steer clear of my ex, but it’s harder than I ever imagined. I’ve sinned knowing the damage it causes to both of us, and sometimes I have dark urges all day.

Please help me. I love Christ and want to save my soul, but I am still purging all the poison and perversion from living like a pagan in the world so long.
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It’s so difficult, I know. It’s like taking one step forward and then twenty backward, Just keep moving forward. It’s hard to change behaviours and thought patterns that have become so natural to us. I haven’t had any drink or a drug in the last 5months. I see the not having sexual relations as a gift from God. It’s like He has given me permission for me to abstain. Showing me that I can now start to respect myself because I matter. Because He made me and loves me. That I am worth it.
You are in my prayers. God Bless.:gopray2:
 
Just keep praying and use the Sacraments often.

The Holy Spirit has blessed you very much by calling you back, and you heard. It would help if you gained some friends that were like-minded.

Perhaps you can get some spiritual direction and/or make a retreat sometime?

The Lord is there for you, ready, willing, and able to help with His grace.
 
I’m winning little by little but have been going through much the same thing and for a very long time. My best advice would be to pray like there’s no tomorrow, and keep fighting your sin. I thought my problems with sin would or should be cured immediately and they were not. It was and is very gradual.

I think any sinful things you indulge in for years and years take sometimes just as long to get out of just because they are so habitual. Seek God first and BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF. It is a process. Keep trying.
 
👍
jenwha said:
I’m winning little by little but have been going through much the same thing and for a very long time. My best advice would be to pray like there’s no tomorrow, and keep fighting your sin. I thought my problems with sin would or should be cured immediately and they were not. It was and is very gradual.

I think any sinful things you indulge in for years and years take sometimes just as long to get out of just because they are so habitual. Seek God first and BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF. It is a process. Keep trying.
Click to expand...
 
sanchopanza said:
I’m in the fight of my life here, so only serious responses please.
Just about six months into a conversion rife with symptoms of purgation, the new, real me that Christ is giving life to is still vying with the old me that is surely dying, but is still ravenous and thirsting for sin.

Please help me. I love Christ and want to save my soul, but I am still purging all the poison and perversion from living like a pagan in the world so long.
Click to expand...
I too struggle with my past, especially my disordered attachment to sins against purity.

I once heard the analogy of two dogs, one dog representing all of the god in man that wants to be united in obedience to his creator and one dog that represents all of our darkest tendencies and rebels against the creator. These dogs will be with us all of our mortal lives. Our decisions feed them. When we lived in rebellion against god the “bad” dog grew strong. We cannot destroy the “bad” dog on our own but we can cooperate with God’s grace and give food to the “good” dog and diminish the influence of the other.

May god bless you and keep fighting the good fight:nunchuk:
 
I really suggest listening to the C.D.'s “Naked without Shame” the theology on the body. When I listened to it I gained a new respect for sex and that I am a sexual being. It ordered everything in it’s proper place for me. It kept me from fearing my sexual nature and I started seeing it as a gift. It gave sex a ‘holy’ context and I reverence it just like that…“holy.”

I can commiserate with you completely. I struggled with sex for many years and I wounded so many wonderful men in the process. I also ruined what could have been beautiful, holy relationships. Oh, what could have been? It was through suffering the consequences of my sins that finally brought me to repentance.

I commend you for your efforts and I am beaming with pride for you. You are on the right track in understanding that your idea of love is slightly distorted. I learned in “Naked Without Shame” that I had to be FREE in order to really love. What freed me the most was when I stopped seeing the “other” as an object for my satisfaction and instead saw them as the object of my generosity. This shift in my understanding changed everything for me.

The urge to merge is so powerful and God made it to be that way. It is deeply rooted in our holy desire for union with God and each other. It is a beautiful thing especially when it comes from the desire to make a generous gift of your entire self.

God is doing an awe inspiring work in you and it delights me. He is leading you to true freedom so that you can be free to enjoy His gifts without being enslaved by them. You truly are an inspiration! Keep on this path because God has great things in store for you!
 
I know exactly how you feel. I’m a lapsed Catholic trying to rebuild my faith and it has been difficult. It seems that the more I try to do good, the more temptations I encounter. I too have lapsed when it comes to sex, although technically I’m still a virgin. The important thing to remember is that no matter how hard you may fall and how many mistakes you make, the Lord will still be there to pick you up. That’s why I’m fighting to be a good Catholic, because I know that God will never forsake me, but will forgive me and embrace me. I will keep you in my prayers. Just remember that trusting in the Lord is winning half the fight 🙂
 
I understand. I changed my views to be Catholic in the middle of my civil marriage. It’s not a blessed marriage so I get confused sometimes too.

Say no to sin and you will have no trouble.
 
Change takes time. I took me forever to turn away from sin and to turn to God without ifs and buts. You are on the right path, but it won’t happen overnight. I suggest you stay away from your ex and people who are not a positive influence. Pray the rosary every day - it is a very powerful prayer. Because of the rosary I see a change in me that I never thought possible. Keep going and put your trust in God every day. Conversion is a process that ends only in Heaven.
 
Yes, change takes time, Jesus knows that. But seriously avoid sin as mentioned as much as possible. Start praying the Rosary and Divine Mercy chaplet. Go to Mass often. Reconciliation try weekly if your Priest you see agrees. As it can help weed out things deeply rooted. Get a Divine Mercy image and look at it and pray to Jesus. Trust him and ask him for strength to overcome these things.
Perhaps also get the book “Onward Catholic Soldier” available online.
Youre in my prayers. Just trust in Jesus and his mercy and love. Everything will be ok.
 
Regular meetings with a competent spiritual director can be of great benefit to a man in your situation. I know it is for me.

I am now married and have put the worst elements of what you have been through behind me - But I have been in exactly the same position.

God Loves you and is calling you towards him

I now pray every day for the Lord to give me an increase in Repentance in my life.

The traditional “7 deadly sins” are all habitual states of mind. better described as the “Cardinal vices” they are not actual sinfull actions themselves they just lead to those.

You need to foster instead the 7 cardinal Virtues which are in opposition to those vices.

This is a difficult and slow process. You have described the battle in replacing Lust and Licentiousness with Chastity and Charity. Your spiritual journey will bring you to similar battles between each virtue and it’s equivalent vice. Some of these battles will be easier some will be harder. All will remain at some level for the rest of your life.

The sacraments, especially regular Communion and Confession, plus the guidance of a spiritual director will help you turn your life into one of Holyness. and Virtue.

God bless you.
 
How wonderful to be Catholic, because grace flows freely to us through the sacraments. The Eucharist is there to sustain us, and Confession to heal us when we are wounded by sin. How blessed are we!

I have to second finding a good spiritual director–in fact, I cannot recommend that enough! Also, you might try surrounding yourself with good influences- - like-minded people who seek God. Find a Catholic bible study or Catechism group if you can.

Pray. Put on the Armour of God. (Ephesians 6:10-18). You might like the prayer to St. Michael. Also, you can bless yourself with holy water. Ask Mary for help, and maybe even consider being enrolled in the brown scapular as a visible reminder.

Take courage. We are all utterly dependent upon God for everything. He holds us in existence, and is closer to us than the air we breathe. He loves you unconditionally. No matter how many times we fail, as long as we seek Him, He will be there to pick us up again.

God bless you.
 
First off, thank you so much for your helpful replies, warm thoughts, prayers and encouragement. This site is a real treasure trove and I plan to start making regular visits. As one poster said, I need to spend more time with like-minded people, and this is a good start, for most of my friends and relatives see me as some brand of Jesus freak these days. But this is the case for a lot of people and it doesn’t bother me so much at this point, for God has called me out of spiritual death into the joy of life, and while it’s been a more difficult journey than I imagined (long is the way and hard, that out of hell leads up to light), I know there is no turning back. I am the prodigal son welcomed back by his loving father. This is the only way home.

The Lord has been healing and teaching me daily, and the Eucharist, along with Reconciliation, have been my spiritual medicine while the Bible and the Church have aided in giving me the most important education of my life. But I found that the wonderful consolations God gave me were followed by desolations that only pointed out my utter need and smallness. Pride came back strong and made me think I could resist sin, even tempt it, and I found myself mauled by the devil saddled upon my animal nature. I do pray the Rosary every night (with a few exceptions), but I’ve learned that I’ll have to do battle with the animal and diabolical in me until my last breath, for the flesh and the spirit are mortal enemies, and obeying one means disobeying the other. While I’ve been pretty hard on myself, and upset that I can’t receive Communion until I go to Confession, I am happy that I’m at least able to take an honest look at what I am and recognize that while perfectly imperfect and born into sin, I am in Christ as He is in me.

The poster who mentioned all the years of defiling and degrading myself by courting vice and willfully living in the spirit of the world hit the nail on the head. There are days in which I’m suddenly made aware of sins I perpetrated 10, 15 years ago and brought to a slobbering heap beneath the crucifix above my bed. I have literally worn two imprints into the carpet at the foot of my bed from so much time there purging, praying and praising God. And some days I have powerful epiphanies in which the Master flexes in the deepest profundities of my being and leads me further towards understanding His mysteries. This too brings me to my knees in tears but they’re tears of joy and gratitude. This last fall made me see that all sin is in a sense amounts to biting the hand that feeds you.

I’ve got to be fertile soil for the seeds of the Lord to grow deep roots and throw branches to the sky. But boy is it hard to navigate this world! The more healing I do the more sick the world appears to me (this is the clearest sign of the Lord’s love for me and proof that my prayers are being answered). I gave up TV long ago, as I see it as another narcotic warping minds and schooling viewers in sin. However, you literally put your soul at hazard leaving the house every day. So while I’ve had a rough time lately, I see more clearly the work cut out for me and trust that Christ will always be there for me, especially when I’m under enemy attack.

Thanks again for your prayers and suggestions. I plan on putting them into practice right away.
 
Sancho, I was about to suggest you pray the Rosary, when I saw your second post. You are doing all the right things, Brother! 👍

St. Anthony of Padua did not trust his own strength in temptation, and used to pray three Hail Marys for Our Lady to protect him, when he was tempted against purity.

St. Thomas Aquinas was tempted to the limit, when one day he had a vision of two angels appearing to him and girding him with a belt. After that, the temptations disappeared for the rest of his life.

So, no, we can’t do it without supernatural help. The greatest saints and doctors of the Church, including St. Anthony of Padua and St. Thomas Aquinas, couldn’t do it without supernatural help. And they were humble enough to recognize that they were weak, and they sought help through prayer, amid their temptations, not to fall. We are small potatoes, but God can strengthen us and make us victorious. Keep on praying, my friend, and you will be allright! 😃 👍

P.S. You are included in my prayers. Would you please pray for me as well? 🙂
 
Wow, do I ever relate to the OP! The battle rages when we decide to really turn our lives over to God; it is really hard. I know exactly what you are talking about. I came back to the Cath Church less than 2 years ago and I was a complete basket case for at least a year and a half.

I could not believe how up and down life was during this period, and now, while I am more stable overall, I also have learned how very sneaky Satan is. As soon as you learn to turn from one sin, then another pops up and you’re back in the battle again. As others noted, the key is to not give up, but pick ourselves up, return to Christ when we fail, and keep moving forward in the right direction.

I will also pray for you. The rosary definitely helps.
 
L piperatus, thank you for your advice - of course I will pray for you!

I remember reading about St. Thomas Aquinas and the flaming gird in Chesterton’s book on him - good point. If he needed help, we all do. St. Augustine’s Confessions and Merton’s Seven Storey Mountain also struck a chord in me as both struggled with lust before finding strength in God.

The strange thing for me now is that my perceptions and behaviors are all changing - maturing - as the Spirit fills me (1 Corinthians 3). Some days I’m quite amused seeing how God has turned me around 180 degrees, especially when I consider how just over a year ago me in my blind, deaf and dumb state of dying would have mocked someone speaking the way I currently do out of sheer ignorance. Speaking from experience I can say that the world is riddled with blindness and enthralled by sin. I’m eternally grateful for being plucked from a fleshly life and into a spiritual one.

Que Dios les bendiga.
 
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