New Here - Question about Husband/Father's Role

[MothersMantle]

Hi Everyone

I didn’t know where else to ask for some Catholic perspective…

I’m a wife and mom of 2 (ages 3, 1, with one on the way). I’m the breadwinner and my DH is resuming his pizza delivery job soon. He watches the kids while I’m at work. He will wash the dishes and feed the kids, but really isn’t involved in much else (my children are 3 and 1). He always defers to my decision on things like choosing a homeschool program and health insurance. He doesn’t make an effort to research these topics. He spends most of his time on the computer at home. I vacuum, make dinner, and spend all of my time with the children when I get home from work.

It doesn’t seem like he is interested in helping me make important family decisions or with more chores around the house. I don’t want to wear the the pants in the family. I wish I could be the stay-at-home parent but I make way more than he could ever make and daycare is not an option for a variety or reasons. Right now I feel like a single parent with a live at home babysitter.

What should I expect from my husband? Isn’t he supposed to be the “leader” of the household? What is reasonable for a Catholic husband/father to be expected to do in general?

 

[Trishie]

From the Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 1643
"Conjugal love involves a totality, in which all the elements of the person enter—appeal of the body and instinct, power of feeling and affectivity, aspiration of the spirit and of will. It aims at a deeply personal unity, a unity that, beyond union in one flesh, leads to forming one heart and soul; it demands indissolubility and faithfulness in definitive mutual giving; and it is open to fertility. In a word it is a question of the normal characteristics of all natural conjugal love, but with a new significance which not only purifies and strengthens them, but raises them to the extent of making them the expression of specifically Christian values."152

1644: The love of the spouses requires, of its very nature,** the unity and indissolubility of the spouses’ community of persons, which embraces their entire life**: "so they are no longer two, but one flesh."153 They "are called to grow continually in their communion through day-to-day fidelity to their marriage promise of total mutual self-giving."154 This human communion is confirmed, purified, and completed by communion in Jesus Christ, given through the sacrament of Matrimony. It is deepened by lives of the common faith and by the Eucharist received together.

scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s2c2a4.htm

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5 verses 21-33

This is the teaching, but I pray you and your husband can find a way to work though this with grace and blessing, for the benefit, not the harm of your marriage relationship.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

Hello and welcome!

I will just offer an opinion here…I have been where your husband is a few times in my life, but during those times I BUSTED MY A** to make sure everything was done…better than it was before…

1. Men have been brow-beaten (especially your generation) into thinking that they are bumbling idiots in the home and that wives should be agreed with most of the time because otherwise, you will be un-happy.
2. You are the bread-winner…he probably feels pretty bad about that. You win the bread…you get to make the decisions. Just a hunch. Sounds like depression.

I guess to answer your question:

Yes - the man is supposed to be the ‘leader’ of the houshold. I find that means, in simple terms, How spiritually fit I am, that is how the family will be. How calm I am…How joyful I am…How responsible I am…How busy I am…etc, etc… We should lead by our example.
You should expect this, you are correct. The catholic husband and father should do EVERYTHING that:

1. Only he can do.
2. You don’t do that needs to be done.

 

[PeterJohn]

I agree with armor in saying that men are “brow beaten” in this generation. In my personal opinion I’d say if the roles were switched and he was complaining about you he may very well get some sexist remarks about the role of a women in our modern times. If you are the best suited between the two of you to bring home the bacon then that’s obviously the best choice for your family, at least right now. It seems to me you need to correctly open up some lines of comunication with him and discus both of your roles as mature adults. To address your questions further, I’d say it makes no difference if you and your Husband are catholic or not in terms of responsibility in regaurds to day-to-day chores. Your situation, like all of ours, is completely unique. The answer may lay in prayer, and at the same time communicating your feelings, needs and expectations to your husband. If that fails an appointment with your pastor could be helpful in mediating between you and your husband in a peaceful way.
Don’t despair. I face this same reoccurring problem with my wife, but in reverse. I work full time and she is a stay at home mom. Keep your chin up and talk it over!

Best of luck!

 

[Allegra]

Perhaps he goes along with your decisions because he knows you have done your homework and he trusts your judgement. Do you really want him to argue with you over those things? Be careful what you wish for! What was your husband’s line of work when you married him? Did you discuss finances and roles before you were married? It really doesn’t sound to me like he is slacking. As someone else said, if you were the man saying such things about your stay-at-home wife, you’d sure be getting some fingers wagged at you! If you feel like not enough housework is getting done, you could probably just point out what you would like him to do before you leave. It sounds like you could use some time spent together as well. Maybe suggest a date night?

 

[1ke]

Why does your husband have a pizza delivery job?

What are his skills and eduaction? Was he employed full time before you married or before you had children? How long has he been staying home and how did this come about?

If he does not have the skills or education to get a job that can support his family, why is he not working to change that situation, stat?

 

[bonvivantHermit]

Unless he has an education already - this situation is not going to change anytime soon.

If he’s a good stay-at-home dad, he’s doing enough. The “pizza job” is to be respected.

I think he needs, from your description, to participate more in family life/financial decisions-and clean. And what if he’s being a leader right - now and this is how he is “leading?” Really, is it your place to question him? /devilsadvocate

Hmmm… I say that because I think conservative Catholic cultural is caught up in this

1950s version of family life, a sterotype that barely existed when it did. I can only provide my opinion based on 18 years of family life- neither spouse should want to boss the other around, nor should one wait for “guidance.”

Talk to your husband, figure out what works for your family- do you want/need to stay-at-home or are you thinking you should b/c of sterotypes?

I know in my life I needed to start blocking out expectations/sterotypes and craft a moral life based on my faith and family.

PS

This “leader” issue is getting to me…aside from all the quotes (Catechism, Bible) I think there’s a KEY point missing… to lead means be brave, go before, provide an example, support…really how is he not doing these things? As a man staying at home he is supporting you, leading the family and acting in a brave manner. Just a thought.

 

[MothersMantle]

Well, about a year ago, his friend (who owns a plumbing business) said that he could work for him and that he’d make between $50-60 grand a year. My husband said the money was good but he didn’t feel like being a plumber. He was lost his job a week after we got back from our honeymoon (5 years ago) and he’s had plenty of opportunities to go back to school or work full-time and he never has.

He is easily irritated with our children and is far from having the patience of a mother; or the nurturing for that matter.

I guess I’ll just suck it up and where a smile on my face and hope that our boys don’t learn that, when they get older, all they need to do is find a breadwinner wife and the rest is cake; learn no work ethic.

I guess this is just another sign of the gender role switch that was predicted in Fatima (while other story).

 

[BlueEyedLady]

He is easily irritated with our children and is far from having the patience of a mother; or the nurturing for that matter.

That’s a slap in the face to all of the wonderful fathers out there and to all of the people who have suffered abuse at the hands of their mothers.

 

[MothersMantle]

That’s a slap in the face to all of the wonderful fathers out there and to all of the people who have suffered abuse at the hands of their mothers.

I don’t get it.

 

[bonvivantHermit]

Have you gone to counseling? Maybe you need to, sound as if something is going on.

If he’s miserable, not drinking etc., then maybe depressed? Doesn’t know what to do?

And what about you- you now think he’s using you and teaching your sons to be lazy?

 

[MothersMantle]

Have you gone to counseling? Maybe you need to, sound as if something is going on.

If he’s miserable, not drinking etc., then maybe depressed? Doesn’t know what to do?

And what about you- you now think he’s using you and teaching your sons to be lazy?

No counseling. His dad has had several admonishing talks w him about stepping up to the plate. I think he just makes excuses without trying. He is very smart and outgoing but I think he is happy not working. He says he wants to work but he only wants jobs he’s interested in taking rather than taking what’s available in the meantime. I don’t want my sons to learn “bad” (maladaptive, disordered, whatever you want to call it) behavior.

 

[bonvivantHermit]

OK- I don’t think it is maladaptive to be a SAHD, it is courageous. BUT if he’s not doing that well or trying, then I agree with you. Sounds like you two fell into this arrangement and he doesn’t want it changed, and if he was doing his job, I’d agree with him.

But if he thinks he’s a teen at home again, being supported but w/o responsibilities you have my sympathies. I don’t understand using ones spouse that way. That said, if he’s not innately a user, I would think an intervention on your part and a plan would motivate him.

It does not sound like you two get along- is this new? Could his problem be organic?

Has his behavior changed?

PS
Do you LOVE your job? If not, you may want to explain “loving ones work” is not all that important.

 

[bonvivantHermit]

I note, you are pregnant. Emotional time for sure and exhausting. Can you take a few months off?

That could help. I know pregnancy is a wild ride of emotions, try and do something you all enjoy as a family. Congrats on the new baby.

 

[MothersMantle]

I note, you are pregnant. Emotional time for sure and exhausting. Can you take a few months off?

That could help. I know pregnancy is a wild ride of emotions, try and do something you all enjoy as a family. Congrats on the new baby.

I felt like that way when I wasn’t pregnant also.

I’ll give hubby a pat on his back and call it a day.

BTW…I can only afford 3 to 3 and a half weeks off. This baby was not planned. I never take a day off (work M-S) because we need the money. I’ll need to work more after this baby is born also…WINNING!

 

[GraceDK]

Hi Everyone

I didn’t know where else to ask for some Catholic perspective…

I’m a wife and mom of 2 (ages 3, 1, with one on the way). I’m the breadwinner and my DH is resuming his pizza delivery job soon. He watches the kids while I’m at work. He will wash the dishes and feed the kids, but really isn’t involved in much else (my children are 3 and 1). He always defers to my decision on things like choosing a homeschool program and health insurance. He doesn’t make an effort to research these topics. He spends most of his time on the computer at home. I vacuum, make dinner, and spend all of my time with the children when I get home from work.

**It sounds like you have two jobs. Kind of like my own mother, she had a full time job and did all the housework and child rearing too. My dad also had a full time work. I respect and love my dad, but I sure sensed that he was absent and not mentally present with me and my sisters. Its interesting… later I read studies on absent or uninvolved fathers and how it effects girls and I had so many of the traits that evolve in girls when the dad is uninvolved. These things are serois, it has huge effect also on children as they grow up. They catch up on both verbal and non-verbal signs of being seen as an irritation etc. I speak of experience. Many children become pleasers and they become weak in identity and selfesteem when the dad is uninvolved or unappreciative. Its even proven that girls do less well in certain subjects if the dad is not involved positively in their lives. Not to mention how children fare in later relationships with the other sex. If they seem unimportant to their dad, they might even look for a substitute, become more vulnerable in many ways, not know how to set limits… **

It doesn’t seem like he is interested in helping me make important family decisions or with more chores around the house. I don’t want to wear the the pants in the family. I wish I could be the stay-at-home parent but I make way more than he could ever make and daycare is not an option for a variety or reasons. Right now I feel like a single parent with a live at home babysitter.

Time to seek counseling. It seems like severel things are going on here. I myself am currently unimployed and I know how apathetic or even anti-sozial someone can become if they don’t have a productive life with clear responsibilities. Man is geared at having to survive… if he is unproductive he might wither and become crippled inside. My last boyfriend sounds like you husband. I still have very warm feelings for him, he is a great man, but he couldn’t get a work and had been jobless for years. I think he had a depression… After too long without employment he felt most safe just sitting in his room reading all day long… what came out of that was a very intelligent man who was however a cripple, unable to take care of himself-. It seems the computer should vanish one day from your house. Then your husband might be bored into action? I think he needs therapy.

What should I expect from my husband? Isn’t he supposed to be the “leader” of the household? What is reasonable for a Catholic husband/father to be expected to do in general?

You are right, and you DO have right to demand and expect something better… But your husband is in some trouble. You need to talk to him about steps to change the situation or get therapeutic help so that he again can become an active and happy man. If that is solved, he will surely also have more energy to be the father your children need.

 

[ryecroft]

Well you could try writting a letter to him or talking to him (which ever is most comfortable) and letting him know that you’ve decided with the next baby coming that you need some time off to stay at home. But because you won’t be able to work, you’ll have to begin downsizing - selling off certain things like the video game system, etc. since you’ll need the money and since he didn’t fell like taking the plumbing job. I would see how this effected him - perhaps knowing that his lifestyle of staying home and playing video games with a part time job and watching the kids while you were at work was about to end and much of the ‘fun’ things he does while you’re cleaning and making dinner were about to go. Maybe i’m off here but it sounds like you’ve tried talking to him and he’s just not motivated. Sorry if i’m completely off -
God Bless and Good Luck -
Rye

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I felt like that way when I wasn’t pregnant also.

I’ll give hubby a pat on his back and call it a day.

BTW…I can only afford 3 to 3 and a half weeks off. This baby was not planned. I never take a day off (work M-S) because we need the money. I’ll need to work more after this baby is born also…WINNING!

You are in an almost complete role reversal. Except, as a female, you are still the one who has to carry the babies, and you sense that your very young ones need nurturing that males are not created to provide. He’s not a mommy and that’s why he doesn’t act like one. Men never will be the same as we are! And we shouldn’t want them to be! Staying at home with babies is an unnatural role for them to play.

My advice is to get counseling. Your husband needs to become a man again. Right now he’s not providing for his family in any way so why should he feel like he’s the leader of his home? That is the role God created men to do. They are the protectors and providers. HE should be doing what YOU are doing. But you are already fulfilling that job, and evidently, you feel that he is pretty bad at what’s left over, too. Talk about a no-win situation!

I can tell you from experience that when your spouse starts to imply that you are “freeloading” instead of being a full partner, it’s insulting and depressing. No matter how much work I do at home, it will never carry the same weight to my husband as a paying job outside the home would. One reason I took on so much at home was to prove to him and to the world that I WAS working. It totally burned me out.

Anyway, your husband needs to feel like a man again. However that works out, do it. Put him in the lead role. If he’s a plumber by trade, he can work and make really good money. If he has any skills at all, he can market them and work - tradesmen are in short supply because everyone is forced to go to college these days. The trades are hurting for skilled people. Welders especially can get signing bonuses and make a lot of money, especially if they can move to Texas!

 

[gardenswithkids]

…He always defers to my decision on things like choosing a homeschool program and health insurance. He doesn’t make an effort to research these topics. …It doesn’t seem like he is interested in helping me make important family decisions or with more chores around the house. I don’t want to wear the the pants in the family. …What should I expect from my husband? Isn’t he supposed to be the “leader” of the household? What is reasonable for a Catholic husband/father to be expected to do in general?

Hello. I won’t attempt to address all your questions and concerns, but I wanted to comment. I’m a homeschooling, SAHM of a large family. My husband is the primary bread winner, and he’s most certainly the one who “wears the pants” in our family. He also leaves most homeschool and health care decisions (including insurance) up to me. Education and health care aren’t his expertise–they’re mine. Successful leaders know how to delegate.

 

[hurting]

Hi Everyone

I didn’t know where else to ask for some Catholic perspective…

I’m a wife and mom of 2 (ages 3, 1, with one on the way). I’m the breadwinner and my DH is resuming his pizza delivery job soon. He watches the kids while I’m at work. He will wash the dishes and feed the kids, but really isn’t involved in much else (my children are 3 and 1). He always defers to my decision on things like choosing a homeschool program and health insurance. He doesn’t make an effort to research these topics. He spends most of his time on the computer at home. I vacuum, make dinner, and spend all of my time with the children when I get home from work.

It doesn’t seem like he is interested in helping me make important family decisions or with more chores around the house. I don’t want to wear the the pants in the family. I wish I could be the stay-at-home parent but I make way more than he could ever make and daycare is not an option for a variety or reasons. Right now I feel like a single parent with a live at home babysitter.

What should I expect from my husband? Isn’t he supposed to be the “leader” of the household? What is reasonable for a Catholic husband/father to be expected to do in general?

A couple of things…

• I concur with those who’ve theorized that is the roles were reversed, you’d be accused of being unfairly stereotypical.
• How much are you making working FT, and would you expect to continue to work if he were to work FT instead of / in addition to you? For example, if you’re a high-priced consultant pulling down $150K a year, and his best opportunity for FT earnings is say, $60K a year as a plumber, there is not going to be an easy way to undo this situation.
• Do you have more expertise as an evaluator of homeschooling programs or health insurance? To the extent that you do, it makes abundant sense for him to defer to you on these topics.
• How do you know he spends most of his time on the computer at home?
• What do you expect to be doing when you get home from work other than vacuuming, making dinner and spending time with your kids? Again, if the roles were reversed, the chorus would be demanding that the breadwinner male do exactly that.

If you didn’t want to wear the pants in the family, then you shouldn’t have.