New mwmber family problems

[tomasr]

Hi all. My name is Tom. I am a life long Catholic (50 years old) going through a very difficult period in my life. My world was changed March 13 2008, I had gastric bypass surgery (a good thing) and have so far lost 80 pounds. The bad part, due to 2 buldging discs in my spine (unknown at the time) I have become dependant on vicoden. On July 8th of this year I lost my beloved mother Rose (she lived in New Mexico). On the return trip from the funeral my daughter cursed my wife (they have had a rocky relationship for 10 years). We have banned my daughter from our lives and cut her off financially (she is a college senior). My daughter has since emailed me telling me I have abandoned her, she hates me and no longer wants me in her life. My wife has a history of depression and back pain for the last 2 years. Our marrage is EXTREMELY rocky right now and allthough I have prayed and prayed and talked to fellow Christians I feel I am looseing this battle. Advise?:

 

[mnmom]

tomasr

I am praying for you and your family right now.

 

[MCGar]

Hi all. My name is Tom. I am a life long Catholic (50 years old) going through a very difficult period in my life. My world was changed March 13 2008, I had gastric bypass surgery (a good thing) and have so far lost 80 pounds. The bad part, due to 2 buldging discs in my spine (unknown at the time) I have become dependant on vicoden. On July 8th of this year I lost my beloved mother Rose (she lived in New Mexico). On the return trip from the funeral my daughter cursed my wife (they have had a rocky relationship for 10 years). We have banned my daughter from our lives and cut her off financially (she is a college senior). My daughter has since emailed me telling me I have abandoned her, she hates me and no longer wants me in her life. My wife has a history of depression and back pain for the last 2 years. Our marrage is EXTREMELY rocky right now and allthough I have prayed and prayed and talked to fellow Christians I feel I am looseing this battle. Advise?:

I’m so sorry you are going through all this.

All I can say is if you cut off your daughter and banned her from your lives, then there is only one path to accept; that it will lead to her hurt feelings/anger/etc., and all you can do is go on with your lives.

If she doesn’t want you in her life any longer, then that is a moot point right? Because you’ve already banned her from your lives, remember? So you guys are on the same page basically.

Now, if you ‘banned her’ from your lives as an attempt to control or manipulate her into being sorry and into doing what you want…well…you are hurting yourselves as well as her.

This looks painful from all sorts of sides. But I’m very interested into the reason why your daughter cursed her mother. It sounds like there is more to it than at first glance.

Either way, cutting off a daughter comes with it’s own pain and I hope you guys can come to terms with your decision.

Maybe it will lead to a future peace for all of you

Prayers.

 

[Teakafrog]

One place to start–on the rocky marriage. www.retrouvaille.org It helps. Please check it out. It literally saved my marriage, and it teaches great communication skills that might help some with your daughter too. God bless.

 

[Trishie]

I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.

I pray for forgiveness in your family. Whatever happened came from hut, no doubt mutual hurt between your wife and daughter.

You were all dreadfully upset, after all you’d just lost loved mother, mother-in-law, and grandparent. It’s very emotional. And if your wife is ill with pain and depression. Not only this, you, you poor man have extreme pain yourself, and this on top of your grief…I do feel very much for you all.

Howver, all the physical and emotional pain does actually provide a springboard for reconciliation.
in your family, a place to start from in seekig the reconciliation that Jesus demands in the gospels.
Your daughter owes your wife and you a serious apology.
She hurt you both at an already enormously painful time. But such is often needed in some form or other from both sides of the issue.

Do you remember the importance of forgiveness as taught by Jesus. Remember the story Jesus told of the forgiven debtor who was freed by his boss from a considerable debt; who then turned around and demanded money from his subordinate and had him punished becuse he couldn’t pay. Indignant when hearing of this, the boss withdrew his mercy and had the first debtor thrown into prison.

Jesus taught this prayer: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread;
**and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us **[in other words, don’t forgive us if we don’t forgive others]

Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Jesus told us that we should forgive a number which for Jews is an infinite number of times.

If you want mercy from the big Boss, the Father, there needs to be mercy to others, including those who have badly hurt us and those we love . Your daughter is right that you have judged and abandoned her…understandable though your righteous anger in the mudst of your grief. He own feelings have been doubtless no less deep to her than your wife’s to her, or yours to you, just as real and consuming.

Please forgive that I’ve spoken straight to you. It’s only because I want your family healed

Very warmly, Trishie.

 

[aggiecatholic05]

as to your back, see a chiropractor. if the disc is just bulging and not herniated some cox work or flexion distraction should, SHOULD really help. plus nerves that send motion signals fire faster stronger and longer than pain fibers(type IV nociceptors). so even if function isnt restored it should help with the pain. hopefully admitting the problem, getting it under control, being prayed for and trying can help.

for your daughter, try to forgive her. it was obviously an emotional time for you all.

for the rest all i can offer is prayers.

edit** i just saw you are in Cali, there are a few chiro schools there. if you are near one you can get treated on the cheap if money is an issue.

 

[tomasr]

I made a Cursillo in 2005. When I came down off God’s mountain (Whispering Winds Catholic Center in the mountains of San Diego i was ready to do God’s will and change the world!. Ws i too prideful? did i judge others hasrhly, was i a pharasiee in my actions? As a parent i would forgive my daughter anything as would my wife. my wife cries for her almost every night. those of you that are parents know that your children OWN a part of yor heart. I have tried to bring them together for some kind of reconcilliation to no avail. My priest told me a few weeks ago that I am married to my wife for 30 years and my first obligation is to her. Believe me when i say that every time my daughter spues vile and hateful things to me another part of my heart is killed. I am also a 3rd degree Knight , usher and active in our ICF group for our church. Believe me when i say i am a sinner i just do not know how much i can take. it seem every day brings about a new crisis. i know that it is in His time and not mine, but it kills me to see those i love suffer, but really it comes back to how much Jesus suffered on the cross for each and every one of us.

 

[Trishie]

I see your suffering and you wife’s suffering in what you say.
We don’t know your daughter and what is motivating her.
If there was any gentle reproach in any of our responding posts, we would be sorry to increase your suffering. As you have tried to bring about reconciliation with your daughter, and you have obtained your priests’ advice, then what remains is for us all to pray for comfort and strength for your wife and you.

With love and prayer, Trishie

 

[tomasr]

believe me when i say that if my daughter and wife were to reconcile it olud be the happiest day of my life. i have been placed in a impossible situation CHOOSE ONE OR THE OTHER BUT NOT BOTH!!! EITHER MY WIFE OF 30 YEARS OR MY BELOVED DAUGHTER. It is a impossible choice. My priest has told me i must remain faithful to my marriage, but what does one do when your child says you have abandoned her and that she may have to work in strip clubs to make it fininacilay. We paid her rent webought her a new car for her 22nd birthday, we paid for her books nad other stuff for school. My wife was a SUPER mon, room mother for every year of catholic school, girl scout leader, took her to plays introduced her to culture at a early age. i just dont understand Gods plan in all this and feel i am looseing my family one peace at a time. i usually have peace when i sleep and i cant even sleep anymore.

 

[tomasr]

I see your suffering and you wife’s suffering in what you say.
We don’t know your daughter and what is motivating her.
If there was any gentle reproach in any of our responding posts, we would be sorry to increase your suffering. As you have tried to bring about reconciliation with your daughter, and you have obtained your priests’ advice, then what remains is for us all to pray for comfort and strength for your wife and you.

With love and prayer, Trishie

 

[tomasr]

Trishie, thank you for the kind words. I do have a few Christian brothers that i turn to at work an dthey help alot. I guess i just cant get past ITS IN HIS TIME AND NOT MINE, that does nothing to ease the pain of your only child telling you to “**** off” pardon the language and that she no longer wants anythin to do with you. my heart keeps breaking one small piece at a time.

 

[catharina]

Tomas, here’s what most concerns me. You said:

“On the return trip from the funeral my daughter cursed my wife (they have had a rocky relationship for 10 years). We have banned my daughter from our lives and cut her off financially (she is a college senior).”

That means for almost all of her life, your daughter has had difficulties with her mother. Why did that continue? Most little girls are wild about their mothers and if there have been problems between the two since your daughter was 10 or 11 or 12, why did that go on? Please find a priest or a Catholic counselor who can (and will) explain to you and your wife that children are NOT disposable. Nor are we allowed to make their lives miserable for ten years of childhood - then dump them.

Your story is very sad. Get help FAST.

 

[MCGar]

Tomas, here’s what most concerns me. You said:

“On the return trip from the funeral my daughter cursed my wife (they have had a rocky relationship for 10 years). We have banned my daughter from our lives and cut her off financially (she is a college senior).”

That means for almost all of her life, your daughter has had difficulties with her mother. Why did that continue? Most little girls are wild about their mothers and if there have been problems between the two since your daughter was 10 or 11 or 12, why did that go on? Please find a priest or a Catholic counselor who can (and will) explain to you and your wife that children are NOT disposable. Nor are we allowed to make their lives miserable for ten years of childhood - then dump them.

Your story is very sad. Get help FAST.

Well little girls tend to be wild about their mothers but hitting preteen and teen years can be a time for alot of misplaces anger.

I will say that it does seem very fishy that they banned her from their lives and then the OP is upset that she doesn’t want to see them again.


Don’t make threats of banning someone if you aren’t prepared to live with the consequences.

As for the girl threatening to work in strip clubs…that sounds like alot of attempted manipulation to me on her side. But then again she might be in a desparate state of mind. College age kids should be given the tools to start being able to maintain themselves. Maybe she was too ‘taken care of’ and being banned could be a total shock for her.
There are alot of newly legal age adults who aren’t allowed to get jobs by there parents and can’t because they are dependant on their parent’s household and car management. Thus they are sort of held hostage by their parents wishes or face being out on the street, with no car, no money, no job experiance, and no references. That’s a tough situation to face.

But back to the OP…

I don’t understand how there is even an option of having to decide between your wife and your daughter. Both your wife and you need to be on the same team regarding your daughter.

A point to take into consideration is if you do actually want to reconcile with anyone, then you don’t ‘ban them’ from your lives. That doesn’t help them or you, unless they are extremely toxic people. That doesn’t mean you let them walk all over you, you just let them know what your boundaries are (for example; speak to me with respect) and if they violate those boundaries you remove yourself from the situation until they decide they can comply to your boundaries.

I’m don’t think removing financial security and whatnot was wrong for you to do just as long as you let her know ahead of time that if she didn’t apologize and speak more respectfully that you would remove your support. That way she has a little head notice.

From my younger experiance as a daughter though, my mother would say so many little mean passive-aggressive nasty things without cursing until I would blow up at her, then I would be in trouble and no one would pay attention at all to what she said in the first place. Obviously blowing up was WRONG of me, but parents need to take into account how they should treat their kids and show them how they can disagree with others respectfully.

I don’t know the dynamics of your family, all I can go on is the basic jist of what I read and what I can guess for the rest.
I think there needs to be more detail explaining the actual relationship between your wife, your daughter and yourself for any of us to help with some good advice.

I do see your sorrow over the situation and pray that things do get better.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this.

When faced with multiple life problems, the best thing to do is repair what might make the most difference–first. I would have a heart to heart with your daughter, ask her to apologize to your wife/her mom, and see where that leads. If she refuses, then I wouldn’t blame you for not supporting her financially, I mean, if she doesn’t see the need to honor you and your wife, why support a grown woman, financially? But, if she agrees to apologize, I would then have a heart to heart with your wife, to help her see that she needs to forgive.

You should not have to choose between your wife and daughter. I can understand your pain. I understand your wife’s pain, and even your dd’s. I agree with the poster that your daughter is trying to manipulate you by saying she might need to work in a strip club. Truth is, that is not an only option. She is what, 21, 22? She is a grown woman, and maybe it’s time for her to take out a loan, and see all you have both done for her. Sounds like she’s a little spoiled, and might need a wake up call, financially.

Other than that–try those two things…first, ask your dd to apologize. Ask her to attend confession with you, to repair the hurt she caused and reconcile with God. (we are to honor our parents, etc) And ask your wife to come half way too.

It can be done–with God, all things are resolveable, and possible! I hope this works out, and I’ll keep you all in my prayers in the meantime. If Christ could forgive the Pharisees for what they said and did to Him, you and your wife can forgive your daughter. Forgiveness is a two way street…I’m not saying you and your wife should be doormats–no way. But, if your daughter comes to you in humility–please ask your wife to be forgiving. Sometimes, the longer we go without speaking to our loved ones, the harder it is to accept apologies.

God bless!

 

[catharina]

Well little girls tend to be wild about their mothers but hitting preteen and teen years can be a time for alot of misplaces anger.

I will say that it does seem very fishy that they banned her from their lives and then the OP is upset that she doesn’t want to see them again.


Don’t make threats of banning someone if you aren’t prepared to live with the consequences.

As for the girl threatening to work in strip clubs…that sounds like alot of attempted manipulation to me on her side. But then again she might be in a desparate state of mind. College age kids should be given the tools to start being able to maintain themselves. Maybe she was too ‘taken care of’ and being banned could be a total shock for her.
There are alot of newly legal age adults who aren’t allowed to get jobs by there parents and can’t because they are dependant on their parent’s household and car management. Thus they are sort of held hostage by their parents wishes or face being out on the street, with no car, no money, no job experiance, and no references. That’s a tough situation to face.

But back to the OP…

I don’t understand how there is even an option of having to decide between your wife and your daughter. Both your wife and you need to be on the same team regarding your daughter.

A point to take into consideration is if you do actually want to reconcile with anyone, then you don’t ‘ban them’ from your lives. That doesn’t help them or you, unless they are extremely toxic people. That doesn’t mean you let them walk all over you, you just let them know what your boundaries are (for example; speak to me with respect) and if they violate those boundaries you remove yourself from the situation until they decide they can comply to your boundaries.

I’m don’t think removing financial security and whatnot was wrong for you to do just as long as you let her know ahead of time that if she didn’t apologize and speak more respectfully that you would remove your support. That way she has a little head notice.

From my younger experiance as a daughter though, my mother would say so many little mean passive-aggressive nasty things without cursing until I would blow up at her, then I would be in trouble and no one would pay attention at all to what she said in the first place. Obviously blowing up was WRONG of me, but parents need to take into account how they should treat their kids and show them how they can disagree with others respectfully.

I don’t know the dynamics of your family, all I can go on is the basic jist of what I read and what I can guess for the rest.
I think there needs to be more detail explaining the actual relationship between your wife, your daughter and yourself for any of us to help with some good advice.

I do see your sorrow over the situation and pray that things do get better.

If wife and daughter had a rocky relationship for the past ten years, that’s way too long a time. In some sense, parenting is a forever proposition.

If things have been difficult for all of your daughter’s recent history with her mother, then somebody dropped the ball - probably about ten years ago. You should be looking forward to days as in-laws and as grandparents; instead you banned your daughter from your life? Hope you can connect with a family counselor at Catholic Charities, ASAP.

Right now, your situation is sunk in pain for all of you.

 

[Sina]

Hi Tom you have my prayers. I just want to say that I understand your pain about your daughter. I know this because my brother who is 14 months older than me has cut my parents and myself off. He says we are toxic to him. No family gets along perfectly and sometimes family members need their space but you should not cut anybody off. Your daughter is a young person trying to figure out who she is and she needs her family. I pray you will be brought back together.

Things should get better for you. I am sorry you lost your mother and that your wife has depression. I am sure you are very supportive of her. Have you seen anyone about your vicadin issue?

 

[tomasr]

Thank you all for the thoughts, prayers and advise. We bought our daughter a car for her 21st birthday, we were paying her rent and for her books at school when needed. In other words we NEVER told her no. Maybe thats the problem, we did too much for her. We did go to counseling with her when she was a teen but never got any answers as to why she was so angry/hateful towards her mom. I kind of feel as if I was just being used for the money aspect of the whole thing. What really bothers me is that my Mother died and the both of them made this all about them. I feel as if I haven’t had time to REALLY grieve for my Mom. I spent so much time trying to keep the peace between them and I failed at that too. I have spoken to our Priest and he tells me all will be resolved in God’s time. I know this but my heart is broken NOW. God bless and keep you all.

 

[Trishie]

Tomas, please allow yourself space to grieve for your mother. If you don’t nurture yourself justly you can’t remain whole and healthy. You body and your emotions will attack you and your well-being if you don’t. Jesus said, “love one another as you love yourself.” The implicit command in that is that you must rightly love yourself.
Scripture exhorts, “value yourself at your proper worth. Who can justify a man who runs himself down, or respect a man who despises himself.” [Ecclesiasticus 10:28-29]

You’ve done your best to reconcile your wife and daughter, and maybe you’ve facilitated for your wife and daughter so many times that you’ve lost sight of yourself sometimes. I would recommend a book like “Co-dependent no more”…but I don’t see the volume in my bookcase…in any case, co-dependency can be as you suggest is happening with your daughter, buying into and thus promoting and continuing inappropriate or undesirable, or too dependent behaviour of others. It confirms them in their self-centredness.

I honour that you are loving and generous, but you also need to be unselfishly generous to yourself also. That may sound odd, but there is a difference between self-indulgence and just self-love.

May God help you though all this, and restore your spirit and well-being.

Love, Trishie

 

[catharina]

Tomas, please allow yourself space to grieve for your mother. If you don’t nurture yourself justly you can’t remain whole and healthy. You body and your emotions will attack you and your well-being if you don’t. Jesus said, “love one another as you love yourself.” The implicit command in that is that you must rightly love yourself.
Scripture exhorts, “value yourself at your proper worth. Who can justify a man who runs himself down, or respect a man who despises himself.” [Ecclesiasticus 10:28-29]

You’ve done your best to reconcile your wife and daughter, and maybe you’ve facilitated for your wife and daughter so many times that you’ve lost sight of yourself sometimes. I would recommend a book like “Co-dependent no more”…but I don’t see the volume in my bookcase…in any case, co-dependency can be as you suggest is happening with your daughter, buying into and thus promoting and continuing inappropriate or undesirable, or too dependent behaviour of others. It confirms them in their self-centredness.

I honour that you are loving and generous, but you also need to be unselfishly generous to yourself also. That may sound odd, but there is a difference between self-indulgence and just self-love.

May God help you though all this, and restore your spirit and well-being.

Love, Trishie

Tomas - I agree with everything Trishie has said.

Now I’ll add this. It’s probably long past time for you to back out of any situation that calls for you to offer sympathy, solutions or support. You’re the one who lost his mother. Your wife and daughter have made it clear they are not available to support you.

Guess what? You can do the same. When either approaches you about the “drama” with the other, simply say “I can’t help you with that. I’m grieving my mother. You two need to work this out with one another. I can’t fix it.”

Then, stick to it.
Why stay involved in “soothing” them when it doesn’t help?

Look for a counselor who deals with grief issues and YOU go…
Look into Catholic Charities.
He or she will help you with the entire mess.

 

[tomasr]

Sina, thanks for the thoughts and prayers, My daughter said things to my wife that are so vile and disgusting I cannot repeat them. A week ago I made a attempt to reconcile with her (AGAIN) and all she wanted to talk about was how screwed up my wife is and how all I care about is pleaseing my wife and not taking care of ($) her. She ended that conversation by telling me to go to hell and to never contact her again. My wife has told me on several occassions that she would talk to our daughter if given the opportunity and that she would welcome her back in spite of all she said to her (I think of the parable of the prodigal son). Yes I am seeing someone as well for the vicodin issue as well. I am somewhat of a emotional mess in all this and over the past weekend my wife and I had a huge arguement. I am going to suggest a marital weekend or counseling to her. Thanks again and God bless!