New Nanny Situation

  • Thread starter Thread starter Allegra
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

Allegra

Guest
Hi all! I’ve been really missing the parenting forum the past couple days! I can’t find it now, so I guess I’ll post in family life. Anyway, school started five weeks ago and my kids have been home with their new nanny. So far, she seems to be really great with the kids. They are getting to play, do art, go outside and get dirty, eat what they like, sleep when they’re ready, and do all the things we wanted them to be able to do. She even leaves the play and eating areas reasonably clean.

The downside is, she brings her daughter with her, and we suspect that she might be a bit of a brat. She’s about 8 months younger than our almost-4yo and over a year older than our almost-2yo. She’s bitten both children. She grabs from the kids. Last week, our daughter hit her with a seashell when she messed up her sandcastle after multiple warnings. Today, she hit her with a sippy cup when she was trying to cram into the chair she was sitting in and kept pushing her to the point she was pushing the table across the floor. My daughter has be disciplined both by the nanny and myself for these infractions, but I’ve been talking to her and I can tell she’s getting fed up. She doesn’t have confidence in the nanny protecting her “property rights” on the toys that she is playing with. She doesn’t have a problem with sharing, but the other child keeps snatching the toys from her when she is playing and intentionally messing up her art/game/teaparty/or whathaveyou. In other situations, my daughter shares really well with other kids, especially those younger than her. It’s probably less than once a week that I have to remind her about letting her baby brother play with her.

I’m not really sure what to do about this. I really like the nanny and I don’t want her to leave. I kind of figure that everyone has to learn to deal with jerks eventually, so it might as well be when they’re three years old. But on the other hand, this is my daughter’s home and it’s supposed to be a safe place and this kid is here with her at least three days a week, and possibly five. One of the main reasons we chose to do this instead of preschool is so our kids can play and learn naturally in the comfort of their home, not so they can live in the chaotic wake of pull-up clad tyrant. I also want to give the nanny a reasonable amount of time to work on the problem. After all, we’re all still kind of in transition.

Does anyone have any experience or advice? How do you teach a 3yo to deal appropriately with an ill-behaved child? How much time do you think is appropriate? Do you think I should get a nanny cam so I can see what’s actually going on? It wouldn’t be much help outside, but it might give me a better idea of what’s going on.
 
I’d be concerned that the nanny hasn’t done a good job parenting her own child. Even if she were the perfect nanny, it does create a challenge to have her child there. In a way, it makes the situation more like a dayhome than like having a nanny. The presence of her child could be a lot of fun, on the other hand, and this might be your deciding factor. But if it were me, I’d pick a different nanny. I wouldn’t get a nanny cam because it’s not respectful or trusting. It’s better to explain what you’d like to see change, and give it three weeks, or get a different nanny.
 
I would have a discussion, at length, with the nanny. Explain just what you’ve said here, that you want your children to learn to get along with others, but that it seems like her daughter has trouble with that. Ask her to sit close to the children for awhile and closely supervise, so there’s no grabbing, interfering with others’ play, and no need for your daughter to hit to protect herself and her activities. The nanny probably wants to busy herself cleaning up after the kids and so on, but perhaps she could be more hands-on for awhile, until her daughter learns what won’t be allowed. Make it clear that you want your children to not feel bullied, and that’s one of the reasons for home care vs nursery school.
 
What did the nanny do when her child bit your children? If the nanny disciplined her own kid and handled it appropriately i would be inclined to ride it out for a bit to see if things improve. If the biting was more or less brushed off then i would let her go. Just my two cents.
 
This is her employment. You set the rules. If you can’t be assertive with someone you are paying for a job, I hope you will recognize and work on that.

Her own childcare provisions should have been discussed at length before employment. She is there to care for your children not her own. Personally I don’t think her own child should be there at all unless invited by you for a specific occasion.

You are not taking your children to her home for in home babysitting, which is where I would say it would be reasonable to expect her child to be in the mix.

As a full day nanny in your home, her kid should be elsewhere. Make the expectation clear or select a different nanny.
 
Last edited:
That sounds bad, but it is still early days.

It sounds to me like your daughter needs a (pardon the phrase) safe space where she can go and not be bothered by the nanny’s kid when she needs a little “me” time.

It also occurs to me that the offender probably really, really likes being with an older child, it’s just that she doesn’t have a lot of social graces at this point. There is a lever here–namely that the nanny’s kid can be threatened with not getting to be around your child if she doesn’t observe preschooler etiquette. Time outs are often a joke, but there’s a huge motivator here–namely the possibility of getting to play with a big, fun, smart older child (namely your kid) if the visitor will obey the local rules. If your nanny is worth her salt, she should be able to make this work. If she can’t, I question her competence.

By the way, I know that a lot of people will immediately force “sharing” when a child wants what another child has, but I would personally suggest telling the child in possession that they have 2-3 more minutes with the item, and then they need to hand it over for a (limited) turn. (This applies to toys, not personal creative projects, of course.)

I used to babysit a same-age child starting when my oldest was one, and it was a very enriching experience. There were bad days (the visitor did bite my daughter once), but it was very good experience for all of us. If your daughter is not going to formal preschool, I think a situation with another similar age child or children (or slightly older) is a good idea, as far as it provides social opportunities and chances to learn social graces–but as you’ve seen, it’s an opportunity to learn them, not a guarantee.

I have a 4-year-old (almost 5) and I’ve seen her playing with other 4-year-old or 5-year-old girls, and they can be really charming at that age with very social, cooperative play. Your daughter is probably just on the cusp of being able to be a good playmate whereas the nanny’s kid is at a rather different developmental stage.

The other issue here is that it’s not going to be easy to find a nanny who is happy (or at least willing) to deal with your daughter’s special needs, so that’s a major point in your current nanny’s favor. So, I’d try to make this work.
 
Here’s a story from when my daughter and her buddy that I babysat were both two.

The two little girls would pick up all available toys they could carry and run around madly, trying to keep the other little girl from getting to touch those toys. They didn’t play with the toys, just ran around keeping the other from getting to play.

They didn’t do that for very long, thank goodness, but it was an annoying stage.
 
Allegra said:
She said she did.
Click to expand...
I think you need to sit down with the nanny and make it clear what kind of values you want to be enforced in your home. Some parents are ok with “toy stealing” and others are not. Almost every parent would be appalled by biting, but perhaps this is something that also horrifies the nanny but she hasn’t figured out how to best convey to her child that it’s not appropriate.

Your daughter has been through a lot and has lost out on exposure to other children during those times. Kids are quick to forget. With your child’s health needs the nanny’s child may also be struggling with jealousy…and a 3yo is hardly mature enough to swallow that. The nanny should be finding ways that her child and your son can feel special when she has to give special attention to your daughter.

So, in the end, I think you and your husband need to come up with a list of non-negotiable and the consequences for those. Then perhaps a few things that you are willing to compromise on. You need to make sure your nanny understands theses things.

Most of all, communication is important. It may be that your child and nanny’s child never see eye to eye. It sounds as if both girls are a bit antagonistic towards each other. Are you sure it’s not the case where the nanny’s child said she wants to play tea party, your daughter drops her duplos and gets the teapot first and then the toy is ripped from her hands? Children are often much rougher on their peers than they are on their siblings.
 
With the new CAF format, seeing an “X” with the thread title, the mind can get to the gutter real quick. Can forum moderators possibly make “X” off limits?
 
Go to the suggestion thread…although I think the X is a pretty innocuous letter in itself.
 
Colorful X’s in happily bubbly circles? Nah, I don’t see it. Then again, I don’t hang around X-rated sites.
 
One Xantippe. One Xanthippe. I’m still in the works of requesting the mods change my name. I knew there was a Xan something on here when I joined but somehow I remembered it Xanape
not so similar to my name.
 
I think people realize it just an “X” in a circle representing someone with a username that begins with the letter X. You have an R in a circle, does that mean threads you post in look R rated? no, that is just silly.
 
Allegra said:
She doesn’t have confidence in the nanny…
Click to expand...
Here’s the thing I see - If your daughter knows that you could get a different nanny (I think she’s old enough to know) but you stick with the one who has a child who makes her feel uncomfortable all day in her own home, it doesn’t make a hill of beans difference that she loses confidence in the nanny. What matters is that she will lose confidence in you.
 
Last edited:
Huh? Of course, we discussed her bringing her daughter with her! That was totally part of the arrangement. The whole reason she can afford to take a childcare job for what we can afford to pay is because it includes the benefit of NOT having to pay for childcare for her child. It’s really common for nannies to bring their own children. It’s one of the few ways for a woman to work full-time without being separated from their child. Our previous nannies brought their babies too, though they were newborns and not a problem.
 
True. Although, we are hoping that her needs won’t be special too much longer! She’s seeing a specialist on Friday about the surgery I mentioned before in another thread. Aside from that though, I really like this nanny and think she interacts well with my kids.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top