New Pregnancy After a Loss

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john_ks

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Dear friends,

It has almost been a year now since my wife and I lost our baby son in the womb at 38 weeks on Christmas Day, 2012. One day we didn’t feel him move and went in to the hospital, where they confirmed our fears. It was the worst day of our lives and this past year has been a very dark time for our family. We have tried to maintain our trust in God throughout our grieving, but I must admit that I have carried a lot of anger because of what happened, constantly asking God why. Was it something we did wrong?

As we approach the one year anniversary of our son’s passing, we are now 24 weeks a long with his baby sister. Although we try to be excited, it is difficult to not think something may go wrong again.

My question to you is, knowing this child would never have been if our son would have lived (we breastfeed, so it would have been impossible for us to get pregnant so soon, as last time it took a year for my wife’s fertility to return), was this God’s plan for this new baby to live and our son to die?

I struggle with this question a lot. We had plans to add to our family with our son (we have a 3 year old living child who was our first), and after he passed, we desperately wanted to try again for our first child to have a sibling on earth.

I know whatever happens, we have 3 children now, 2 living and one with God.

Thank you for your advice and help.

John
 
I am very sorry for your loss. I hope by now, at least mentally, you have realized your loss is not a result of something you did. You may feel otherwise emotionally, but I have learned when struggling with something emotionally, what’s important is to put emotions to the side for a moment and remember the facts: Your loss is not your fault, your wife’s fault – it’s not anyone’s fault. When something bad happens, it is natural for us humans to automatically look for something or someone to blame; we can’t cope with something happening with nothing to blame, because that means it was out of everyone’s control, and that is a scary thought.

I am not going to answer your question, because I believe it is a dangerous one to answer, and it is linked to my point above, about how we need someone or something to blame. Your last child’s passing was a tragedy, and it is far more healthy to stop looking at people to blame and instead focus on getting past it and welcoming your new child. One day, we will all know the purpose behind everything good and bad that has happened to us, but until then, be patient, let go of all that has happened (Much easier said than done, I know), and get you and your family past this dark period in your lives. Rely on God, and I promise things will get better.
 
john_ks said:
Dear friends,

It has almost been a year now since my wife and I lost our baby son in the womb at 38 weeks on Christmas Day, 2012. One day we didn’t feel him move and went in to the hospital, where they confirmed our fears. It was the worst day of our lives and this past year has been a very dark time for our family. We have tried to maintain our trust in God throughout our grieving, but I must admit that I have carried a lot of anger because of what happened, constantly asking God why. Was it something we did wrong?

As we approach the one year anniversary of our son’s passing, we are now 24 weeks a long with his baby sister. Although we try to be excited, it is difficult to not think something may go wrong again.

My question to you is, knowing this child would never have been if our son would have lived (we breastfeed, so it would have been impossible for us to get pregnant so soon, as last time it took a year for my wife’s fertility to return), was this God’s plan for this new baby to live and our son to die?

I struggle with this question a lot. We had plans to add to our family with our son (we have a 3 year old living child who was our first), and after he passed, we desperately wanted to try again for our first child to have a sibling on earth.

I know whatever happens, we have 3 children now, 2 living and one with God.

Thank you for your advice and help.

John
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In Christ’s time, a man was born with …think it was blindness, and they went to Christ, asking him whose fault that was, if it was his or his parents’ fault. Christ said it was neither, that he had this to manifest the glory of God.

Another time, a building fell on, I imagine killed people. Again, people went to Christ asking why this happened. He asked if they thought the people in it were any more sinful than the rest, and he assured them that wasn’t the reason. He didn’t say why it happened.

In the Book of Job, Job loses his wife, children, including his first born, home, animals, and even his health. In the end, God says, in so many words that he’s God, never actually tells Job even the reason why any of this is happening, just expects Job to accept everything as an act of divine providence. We are not really expected to understand it. It may be revealed to us in the next life why things happened as they did.

Job, in the end, submits to God, in obedience, without knowing or understanding, trusting that, although he doesn’t understand, God must have reasons for what he does, though we may not currently know them.

It is hard to understand. I mean, why did Christ need to be crucified, for example? Why did Mary have to lose her only son in that manner? Why did Job suffer? Still, now, we know each has a reason. I would expect that your suffering would, as well.

Abraham was asked to sacrifice his own son. Now granted, he didn’t follow through with it, but it turned out to be a kind of test of Abraham’s faith.
 
My heart goes out to you, John. We had our daughter, then three miscarriages in a row, and then a full-term baby boy who lived only nine hours (heart defect). We eventually went on to have three other children. I, like you, have also wondered at times about where God’s will was in all this and maybe we can personally ask God about it someday in heaven, otherwise, for now, how can it be known? We are very grateful for the four healthy children we have here on earth (including nine grandchildren!) and look forward to meeting our other four some day in heaven.

As for your anger, I understand that completely. I was so mad at God because prostitutes were having babies, unmarried teen moms were having babies, people were getting abortions. We wanted more children so much–it just wasn’t fair. My doctor told me that a HUGE number of pregnancies end in miscarriage, something like 80 percent? That even if a woman is a couple days late having her period, sometimes it is actually a miscarriage and she doesn’t even know it. That it was “nature’s” way of taking care of an imperfect foetus. When we had our son with the deformed heart the doctor said he didn’t really understand why HE wasn’t a miscarriage, based on the severity of the deformity! God’s will?

You say you are having a hard time being excited about this pregnancy and I know that feeling too. I was downright scared. At the time I was a protestant and after finally having the three healthy children I told my husband I just couldn’t go through another pregnancy with the fear and worry. We had eight pregnancies in eight years with only half turning out ok. But you know, the older we got the more people we met who had also been through things, like SIDS, and a guy I worked with whose wife died in childbirth, and friends whose 9-year-old died of cancer, a couple at church who had a stillbirth, and friends who had two children who died of rare genetic problems in their toddler years. And they too were all probably wondering where God’s will was in those things. Our oldest daughter had three healthy boys,then two miscarriages and then a boy with Downs. God’s will?

My advice is to hug your wife tight and tell her how much you love her and ask God to help you get through this together and talk about this coming baby and pick a name and paint the room and buy tiny outfits because if things turn out fine you will be SO glad you had savoured the pregnancy and done these things. And if things end up not working out, you won’t be any more miserable for having done them than if you had done nothing but worry. I’m putting you on my prayer list, next to the mom who had a miscarriage that would have been born this Christmas, the 40-year-old never-been-married-or-had-kids gal who is pregnant (but they are going to get married), and the gal who had twins three months early and one has already had two surgeries. Life is strange. May God bless you with a healthy baby girl.
 
A lot of people are also in the position of knowing that if a previous child had lived, their current child would never have existed. We had a baby die through a late miscarriage at 13 weeks gestation that should have been born March 2012 and then we had a successful pregnancy with a baby born October 2012–with those dates, if the older child had lived, it’s almost impossible that the younger child would have been conceived at all. So while it makes some sort of logical sense that either the March 2012 baby would have lived or the October 2012 baby could have lived, we couldn’t have had both of them (and in fact, honestly, had we had the March 2012 baby, we would not have been as determined as we were to conceive the October 2012 baby). I was grieving the miscarriage hard right through the next pregnancy and through the newborn period, but at some point it faded out. (Bear in mind that for your wife’s grief, there’s going to be a very strong hormonal component, so it may well flare up hard during the postpartum period.)

“Although we try to be excited, it is difficult to not think something may go wrong again.”

It is very natural to feel cautious or guarded and to feel that way well after the new baby is born. I certainly felt very uncomfortable buying any baby stuff (although we got a few necessary items) until our baby was home safely. I had my baby shower at pretty much the last possible minute (my organizer had her baby a week after hosting my shower!) and I kept my mouth shut for a very long time about baby names. That’s all very natural.

I would suggest joining a support group for parents in your position and also perhaps doing counseling together or separately. A relative who lost a baby at 7 months gestation recommends counseling very much.

Also, don’t be afraid to ask for reassurance from your OB and for extra time in discussing what you need from them to feel secure about this pregnancy (you may want to start doing some things just slightly different, so you don’t have a feeling of deja vu and dread). And feel free to ask your pediatrician for reassurance as you need it.

Also, keep an eye on your wife for any unusual symptoms, in case of postpartum depression.

Best wishes!
 
I am sorry for the loss that you and your family went trough.I am a volunteer for the Respect Life Ministry in Miami Florida, and we know ,how difficult it is to accept and understand the loss of your child,no matter the circumstances .I wish you can contact as soon as possible the Respect Life Ministry of your Diocese.We just do not specialize in praying in front of the “women’s clinics”,educating Catholics on life issues or collecting diapers and gently used baby items for the Pregnancy Crisis Center ,but we help overcome the sadness and guilt by spreading our knowledge based on faith teachings,love and mercy…you can get enough hope to keep on going with life ,while taking care of other members of the family that were also affected.The first step is to contact Respect Life Ministry at the Parish (or ask your Pastor).After that, you and your wife would be contacted by a Project Rachel counselor…and after that you will start a confidential 8 weeks counseling program,they are faith based and free of charge.After cleaning up the wounds and when done with the Project ,you will be invited to attend the Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat…that helps the small group of parents on working new ways to accept,share and grow after such a difficult experience.Please,do not take any longer…there is Hope…if possible, google the phone numbers to your local Ministry .
 
I’m sorry for your loss. I lost a child that would be turning 9 years old on Dec.17th had he lived. I still feel the loss, but it is easier than it was when it occurred. When things were too much for me, I trusted that God had a plan, even if I didn’t know what it was exactly. For some reason, God is taking care of your child and now is time to focus on the gift that you are currently holding. That baby is waiting for you in heaven, be at peace knowing this. My baby in heaven somehow makes death less scary as I know I will be reunited with him.
 
I am also currently pregnant for the first time after losing a child in June. Interestingly enough, I am also a child born after a loss (my older brother died at 20 weeks, and I was conceived 7 months later
Dacinom said:
Your son is not dead dear one, in fact he could not be more alive. He is with God and will live with God for all eternity in happiness and joy. It is you and your wife that are suffering.
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Frankly, that sentiment has been the only thing that has really been comforting to me for the past few months. And some days, I still struggle with it.

I wish I had something to say or do that would take away the sadness and the fear. But I think only time and God will do that (still waiting for it to work for me, too).

I will be praying for you.
 
ClearWater said:
It is hard to understand. I mean, why did Christ need to be crucified, for example? Why did Mary have to lose her only son in that manner? Why did Job suffer? Still, now, we know each has a reason. I would expect that your suffering would, as well.

Abraham was asked to sacrifice his own son. Now granted, he didn’t follow through with it, but it turned out to be a kind of test of Abraham’s faith.
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And I think of these words from St. Therese of Lisieux talking about offering up our crosses… even if you just say to yourself, “God, your will be done, though I don’t understand why…” St. Therese says, God will not be outdone in generosity…

You have some pretty big pain to deal with. I hope you can find strength, faith, peace, hope and love with your new addition. St. Therese’s parents wanted a boy so they could encourage him to be a priest or missionary to China. They loved God and the Church so much. They had two boys and two girls who died as infants or young children. They also had five girls who all became nuns. The ninth one was St. Therese of the Child Jesus, the little Flower.
 
Eternal God , in whom mercy is endless,
and the treasury of compassion inexhastible ,
look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us ,
that in difficult moments we might not despair
nor become despondent , but with great confidence ,
submit ourselves to Your Holy Will ,
which is love and mercy itself . Amen

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me.Amen
 
In 22 years, I’ve had 10 miscarriages, and 5 children born to this Earth. I deeply mourned the loss of my babies I never got to hold, but I’m very thankful for the children I DO have and if given the choice, I would choose them. They are the ones I was meant to have. I don’t know why God allowed me to keep getting pregnant only to suffer loss… I’ll never know this side of eternity. But I trust Him. That didn’t happen overnight - it’s taken me many years to be able to say that.

I will pray for the precious child your wife is carrying now. I know it’s so hard to be hopeful & excited once you’ve had your heart ripped out. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear son.
 
Thank you all so much for your beautiful words and encouragement. For those who have faced the loss of a child and shared your story, thank you. I am so very sorry that you have to walk this road as well.

My heart is in torment every day, as I face another moment on this Earth without my baby son, and as I look toward the first anniversary of his passing, I don’t know how I’ll get through this Christmas. But I know my child lives, and I hope God allows me the chance to hold him again one day. It is just so hard to understand why this happens. I wish I could ask Him.

I have to be strong for my wife, 3 year old, and this new little life that God has blessed us with. I have to continue trusting that God was merciful in my son’s passing. He had growth restriction that went undetected. Maybe it was always going to be this way, but I won’t know this side of Heaven. Maybe our little girl was always meant to be here.

Thank you for listening everyone, much love.
 
May God give you faith, strength, peace, hope and love this Christmas.
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be world without end. Amen.
 
Eternal God , in whom mercy is endless,
and the treasury of compassion inexhastible ,
look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us ,
that in difficult moments we might not despair
nor become despondent , but with great confidence ,
submit ourselves to Your Holy Will ,
which is love and mercy itself . Amen

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
 
I know exactly how you feel. It is something that is easier to not dwell on after the second child is actually here, safe, and in your arms.

I don’t think it is as much about taking a life, as it is changing a life. When I think about the two I’ve lost and how if they had lived I wouldn’t have the children I do have. I think about how they gave up their lives so that their siblings might live. In fact my 3rd child and second miscarriage saved my life as well.

My nephew died at 22 months from a rare form of brain cancer. He did a lot in those months. I know that if he had survived my sister wouldn’t have had her 4 other children. Her marriage wouldn’t have fallen apart and life would have been very different. It isn’t easy to see the good in something.

My challenge for you is look for things that have happened because of your son’s sacrifice and the good it has brought. It can be hard and don’t force yourself. It took me a while before I was ready to admit any good.

I pray that your heart will be healed in time.
 
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