New relationship + porn discovery

[TirraLirra]

Recently, I saw the name of a porn site in my boyfriend’s web address field. I wasn’t snooping around, just sitting with him at the computer, and I didn’t mention at that moment what I saw. I guess he thinks that either I didn’t see it at all or didn’t recognize the name. Since it wasn’t in the history, but the web address field “suggestions” when he started typing the name of another site, I suppose it could be from any time since he got the computer - I don’t know how recently he’s visited the site.

I’m not sure how I should approach this situation. It bothers me, and I know if I don’t bring it up, it’s going to be in the back of my mind all the time. However, we’ve only been dating about a month, and I’m still fairly young (early 20s), and so I didn’t anticipate dealing with this, especially at this point in the relationship. I guess I’m very naïve, but he’s a faithful practicing Catholic, as am I, and the thought just never crossed my mind. I love him and I want to help him and be a positive influence in his life and faith, but I’m not his wife, his fiancé, or even long-term girlfriend, so I’m not sure where the boundaries are in this situation. I don’t know if he’s addicted to porn, if he has struggled only in the past, if he occasionally slips up but is fighting against it, etc., all of which would affect how I handle things. I know I need to talk to him about it, but I already move pretty slowly opening up to people and discussing important issues, so I can barely imagine bringing it up at all, let alone what would be the best way to do so. To be honest, I’m really afraid.

I’d really appreciate any advice, support and prayers you have to offer.

 

[EasterJoy]

Don’t be afraid just yet. Those “suggestions” have come up on me, and trust me, this matronly old lady does not view porn. No one uses my computer, either. Having said that, porn is so freely available on the internet and so widely accepted in secular society that it poses a very great temptation.

You don’t need to rush into the porn conversation, but do plan to include a conversation concerning his attitudes towards pornography and “adult” entertainment when you two start talking about issues that you each think bear on compatibility. There is no timeline for that, but since you did not catch him actually viewing porn, I don’t think you’re forced to confront the issue right now. Rather, I would wait until you start having conversations about less volatile issues that would bear on your compatibility, and bring up this issue after you start getting into more serious subjects or your relationship starts getting more serious. (Sometimes, the “less serious” conversations tell you all you need to know!)

OTOH, if you want to, you can introduce the topic of whether his attitudes toward sexual issues in general is “contemporary” or “traditional”, so to speak, and porn would be included in that. If you want to assure yourself that your relationship meets certain requirements before going any further, it is your choice when bring it up. After all, there are some people who make the “contemporary/traditional” inquiry, either directly or indirectly, before they’ll even ask someone on a date. That is up to you.

 

[Baelor]

I know I need to talk to him about it

Why, exactly? You have been dating a month. Someone else could have used the computer. He could have accidentally clicked on a link to the site. Any number of things could be responsible. Assume the worst – that he accessed it intentionally. You still have no reason to believe that this is anything other than a sin he confessed and has not since committed. I would certainly not talk to him about it now. Attitudes toward sex and porn, as mentioned in the above post, is something that should be discussed in general, but certainly not after one month of dating.

 

[nickybr38]

I wouldn’t worry about it just yet.

I used to let family members and neighbors use my computer (neighbor’s kid needed to use the computer for school work)… I later found out that they were using the computer to surf porn!!! Boy was that a shocker.

Anyway. There could be any number of reasons why that particular ‘link’ showed up but I wouldn’t presume he’s a porn addict or something.

Let it go for now and pray for wisdom.

 

[TirraLirra]

Thank you all! I guess I am just a bit paranoid about it, and overreacted. I dated someone in the past who definitely did have an issue with this, so I automatically assumed the worst. I feel silly now, but much better!

 

[agapewolf]

Why, exactly? You have been dating a month. Someone else could have used the computer. He could have accidentally clicked on a link to the site. Any number of things could be responsible. Assume the worst – that he accessed it intentionally. You still have no reason to believe that this is anything other than a sin he confessed and has not since committed. I would certainly not talk to him about it now. Attitudes toward sex and porn, as mentioned in the above post, is something that should be discussed in general, but certainly not after one month of dating.

I completely disagree that one month is too early…and especially with your added “certainly”, as well as saying it should only be discussed in general.

Attitudes about sex and porn should most definitely be discussed in depth, as pornography is such a huge problem today, as well as people not understanding their own worth in their sexuality, nor what the purpose is. It is necessary today to have the discussion extremely early that there will be no sexual activity in a budding relationship, as its almost always expected, in general. Why invest time in someone who doesn’t believe the same way, or at the very least, respect it.

 

[LoyalViews]

I wouldn’t freak out.

It could have been from a popup he experienced from another site, or it could just have been one of those internet blunders

 

[CountrySteve]

I wouldn’t worry about it just yet.

I used to let family members and neighbors use my computer (neighbor’s kid needed to use the computer for school work)… I later found out that they were using the computer to surf porn!!! Boy was that a shocker.

Anyway. There could be any number of reasons why that particular ‘link’ showed up but I wouldn’t presume he’s a porn addict or something.

Let it go for now and pray for wisdom.

i would have been sooooo mad if i found out that

 

[Baelor]

I completely disagree that one month is too early…and especially with your added “certainly”, as well as saying it should only be discussed in general.

The “in general” referred not to the specificity of the discussion, but that it should occur in general (i.e., in relationships in general).

It is necessary today to have the discussion extremely early that there will be no sexual activity in a budding relationship, as its almost always expected, in general. Why invest time in someone who doesn’t believe the same way, or at the very least, respect it.

The OP was not discussing sex in general. She was discussing a site on her boyfriend’s internet history. Furthermore, she stated the boyfriend was a devout Catholic. I assume that he did not as for sex in the month, otherwise, given her history, she would not have continued the relationship. Furthermore, I would suggest that if a month has passed without one party pushing for sex, then it is not “necessary” to hold a discussion on sex within that time period.

 

[bmaj]

I would recommend that you just be sure to have a discussion about porn viewing in general (along with the other topics like NFP, how you both feel about kids, careers, etc.!) if the two of you get serious or decide to commit to one another on a long-term basis. It’s a real important topic in a relationship, and many partners don’t find out until after an engagement or marriage that the habit or addiction is present in the other. At that point, it becomes so much harder to discuss and deal with, and too often it can end up destroying a marriage in the process. Also keep in mind that it can be an extremely difficult habit to break, and the shame and embarrassment that goes along with it causes many people to try to hide it from their partner, so an early and open “general” discussion without any kind of accusations can be real beneficial.

 

[agapewolf]

The “in general” referred not to the specificity of the discussion, but that it should occur in general (i.e., in relationships in general).

The OP was not discussing sex in general. She was discussing a site on her boyfriend’s internet history. Furthermore, she stated the boyfriend was a devout Catholic. I assume that he did not as for sex in the month, otherwise, given her history, she would not have continued the relationship. Furthermore, I would suggest that if a month has passed without one party pushing for sex, then it is not “necessary” to hold a discussion on sex within that time period.

I was responding to what you said…you said “Attitudes about sex and porn…but certainly not discussed after one month of dating”.

 

[Baelor]

I was responding to what you said…you said “Attitudes about sex and porn…but certainly not discussed after one month of dating”.

I did not mean at all in the future, I meant “around the one month mark” – this is an idiomatic use of “after.” I apologize if my post was confusing.

 

[agapewolf]

I did not mean at all in the future, I meant “around the one month mark” – this is an idiomatic use of “after.” I apologize if my post was confusing.

I understand this, I still disagree

 

[Baelor]

I understand this, I still disagree

Okay. I will try your advice and let my next date know on our one-month anniversary that I refuse to have premarital sex (even if it has not yet come up) and make a thread reporting the results. I already have a pretty good idea of how it will go.

Anyway, I stand firmly by my original advice to the OP – there are too many possible reasons for one website to come up on a browser’s history that she should not let this dictate future action, especially in a way that it would not naturally proceed.

 

[agapewolf]

Okay. I will try your advice and let my next date know on our one-month anniversary that I refuse to have premarital sex (even if it has not yet come up) and make a thread reporting the results. I already have a pretty good idea of how it will go.

Anyway, I stand firmly by my original advice to the OP – there are too many possible reasons for one website to come up on a browser’s history that she should not let this dictate future action, especially in a way that it would not naturally proceed.

Well, in the past few years of the several relationships I had, either he or I discussed it even before our first date to see that we were on the same page.

Basically, if you feel that pre-marital sex is wrong, you are impressed that the other person feels that strongly about it.

If they don’t, and they find out what the rules are and don’t like them, they leave. Which is best because then there is no temptation and no wasting of time with someone that doesn’t have the same values.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

1. How did you know it was a porn site if just the url came up?
2. How do you know he looked at it purposefully? Maybe he was sent spam, and opened it without thinking.

I was recently on the website that has info on my father’s Sicilian town. Someone posted a link to what was supposed to be pictures of the town festival. I clicked it and it was a page of topless women. I didn’t look for the porn, sometimes you find it in even innocent seeming places.

 

[chevalier]

Why, exactly? You have been dating a month. Someone else could have used the computer. He could have accidentally clicked on a link to the site. Any number of things could be responsible. Assume the worst – that he accessed it intentionally. You still have no reason to believe that this is anything other than a sin he confessed and has not since committed. I would certainly not talk to him about it now. Attitudes toward sex and porn, as mentioned in the above post, is something that should be discussed in general, but certainly not after one month of dating.

I respectfully disagree. I believe the situation had better be solved now instead of being allowed to fester. I think the part about “assuming the worst” was a rhetorical figure but one should actually rather assume the best when judging people. It would be better to give someone an opportunity to explain before assuming something unfavourable to him, too. However, you can’t ignore an obvious warning sign. Therefore you need to talk.

For the record, porn links are the litter of the Internet and may result from someone else’s usage of the computer or even from unsolicited advertising or a diguise attempt or a misclick (e.g. when you try to close an unsolicited porn ad but instead it opens up a whole big porn site). A suggestion may also come from an error in the suggestion logic. Suspicious keywords may result from looking up medical or psychological or design/programming (website making technique) or even moral (as in moral theology) problems.

Tell him what you saw, and that you weren’t intentionally looking for it, and that you aren’t rushing to any conclusions but you would like him to explain it. His reaction may tell you a lot, e.g.:

– angry that you snooped on him: obviously either ignoring the fact that you said you saw it accidentally while not prying or thinking that you are lying, this kind of ignoring facts is a very, very troubling quality in a potential partner because it may be the root of many quarrels; needless to say readiness to accuse you of lying is a problem also;
– angry that you are jumping to conclusions: obviously ignoring how you said you were not making conclusions or thinking that you are lying, same problem as above;
– perplexed as in what’s wrong about porn (while admitting he watched it)? then you have your answer (which is a big problem);
– or he may give you the explanation that he simply sinned.

By the way, a man is not necessarily a bad man in the conventional sense because he watches porn, nor is he evil in the conventional sense. He does not necessarily have a low opinion of women in general or a patently low view of human sexuality (not all porn is in the same degree of awfulness). He may be immature, starved for contact with a female person, deluded into thinking looking at naked women is acceptable as a compensation for not being married and having access to sex. This is not justify him per se but to try and keep some justice in the picture.