New to forum and need advice

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mamof_7

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Im new to this forum and am sorry if this is going to be long but i really need some help.
My husband and i have been married 25 years and have been together 28 years, we have also been blessed with 7 children. In June this year my husband suffered a heart attack (he is only 47 yrsold} and spent 7 weeks in hospital undergoing major heart surgery. It was a very traumatic time as he nearly died in surgery and i was very scared i would lose him. He was discharged from hospital in mid August and although he tells me he loves me, if i show any affection he shows no intrests in me and moves away from me. this is breaking my heart and i have become very emotional and upset but he does’nt seem to understand why i am upset as he says he loves me but i am just so confused. I really need to talk with him about this but he puts up a brickwall and wont talk. Please help i feel so alone.
 
Mamof7, first, welcome.

Seventeen years ago I was hospitalised three times over a period of 9 weeks and came close to death twice in that time. Recovery took more than 4 months. In the first couple of months just getting through each day was a huge challenge. I had forgotten, but your question has reminded me that there was a time, during all that illness and recovery that I was “grateful” to be a widow, as I only had to focus on myself at that time. Your husband may not be able to verbalise how he is feeling and trying to relate to the world in a new way, but his apparent ‘coldness’ may be his way of dealing with the huge events that have so changed both your lives. (And I’m not even sure that what I’ve written here makes sense.)
 
I agree that your husband is just dealing with a life-changing event in his own way. At the end of our lives it is just each of us and God. Your husband received a foreshadowing of that, and is likely working things out interiorly. I would suggest that you be supportive and patient, but respect his space, and don’t take it personally.

Cardiac events are tied to depression and personality changes (kind of interesting in light of how we talk about someone’s “heart” to describe them). Things may be different with your husband from this point on. Try to take it day by day and be open to change.
 
mamof_7 said:
My husband and i have been married 25 years and have been together 28 years, we have also been blessed with 7 children.

i have become very emotional and upset but he does’nt seem to understand why i am upset as he says he loves me but i am just so confused. I really need to talk with him about this but he puts up a brickwall and wont talk. Please help i feel so alone.
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I invite you and your dear husband to attend a weekend to focus just on the two of you with Worldwide Marriage Encounter. ❤️

wwme.org/
 
mamof_7 said:
Im new to this forum and am sorry if this is going to be long but i really need some help.
My husband and i have been married 25 years and have been together 28 years, we have also been blessed with 7 children. In June this year my husband suffered a heart attack (he is only 47 yrsold} and spent 7 weeks in hospital undergoing major heart surgery. It was a very traumatic time as he nearly died in surgery and i was very scared i would lose him. He was discharged from hospital in mid August and although he tells me he loves me, if i show any affection he shows no intrests in me and moves away from me. this is breaking my heart and i have become very emotional and upset but he does’nt seem to understand why i am upset as he says he loves me but i am just so confused. I really need to talk with him about this but he puts up a brickwall and wont talk. Please help i feel so alone.
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I’m so sorry for this difficult time you are having. :hug1:

Praying for you.

God bless,
Ut
 
It may also be some of the prescription drugs that he may be required to take now. Some of the medicines have side effects that include moodiness, weight gain, ED, lowered testosterone, etc. If he is having some of these problems, his pushing you away may be just a coping mechanism.

The physical recuperation from having your chest cracked open takes a long time. There are things he probably can’t do now that he used to be able to do. There are things he may never again be able to do physically. Also if he was on a bypass machine for a long period of time there can be possibilities of cognitive (memory) issues.

Like stated in an earlier post he may not be able to verbalize these things or may not know how to. We all get older and our lives change in what we are able to do. For most of us it is gradual and we learn to cope. Unfortunately, for you husband all this occurred at one time. Maybe he should have a talk with a good priest or catholic counselor, he may not want to talk to you about these problems, yet.
 
He may have clinical depression, common after a major illness. Ask his physician about this.
 
He may also be afraid that being physically intimate might lead to another heart attack. You could suggest he go back to see the doctor to find out what he can and can not safely do. Whatever is going on with him, you both need to talk about it, without blame or shame.
 
I have also read that often men who have had a heart attack are afraid to resume sexual relations with their wives because they are afraid that it will trigger another one. You might discuss this with your husband’s doctor. This might explain your husband’s behavior. I can’t guarantee that this is true, but I have also read that sex with one’s wife does not increase a man’s risk of a heart attack, just sex with someone who is not his wife!
 
God bless you!

I am very sorry to hear about your problems. I experienced something similar, except I was the recovering patient.

He’s only been out of the hospital, after a major surgery, for a few short weeks. Give him some space and time to recover.

I’ve been through two major surgeries in the past nine years, and I’m no spring chicken either. I may have looked alright from the outside, but between the new drugs that I was placed on and the recovery/healing time that I needed to go through, I really, really did not want anyone touching me in any way. Suture wounds were still fresh and pink.

The slightest touch caused a great deal of pain and anxiety, and most of that disappeared over time.

I had to adjust to my new limitations. That also took some time (and still is ongoing). Major surgery shakes up your world when you go through it.

Unexpected touch was the worst because it is out of my control entirely - especially the “pat-on-the-back” which may have been innocent and friendly, sent a painful shockwave through my body.

Then there’s the steady drumbeat of “when will I have to go through this again?” that was present in my mind, but has diminished a great deal in the new normal for me.

Try asking your husband what he is comfortable with, and he may not even know what he feels like he can handle.

Take it easy. Be gentle with him. Let him heal.

Praying for you both. :gopray2:
 
mamof_7 said:
Im new to this forum and am sorry if this is going to be long but i really need some help.
My husband and i have been married 25 years and have been together 28 years, we have also been blessed with 7 children. In June this year my husband suffered a heart attack (he is only 47 yrsold} and spent 7 weeks in hospital undergoing major heart surgery. It was a very traumatic time as he nearly died in surgery and i was very scared i would lose him. He was discharged from hospital in mid August and although he tells me he loves me, if i show any affection he shows no intrests in me and moves away from me. this is breaking my heart and i have become very emotional and upset but he does’nt seem to understand why i am upset as he says he loves me but i am just so confused. I really need to talk with him about this but he puts up a brickwall and wont talk. Please help i feel so alone.
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I am not a medical expert, and I am not trying to give medical advice. But I have heard that depression and possibly even a temporary change of personality are not uncommon after heart bypass surgery. From what I have heard though, it often gets better with time. This is something that you might want to research on your own, and to bring up with your husband’s doctor. Again, I am not trying to give medical advice, just passing on what I have heard, with the caveat that it may be incorrect.
 
How is his energy level and endurance? Is he doing anything else that’s aerobic, or is his exercise either non-existent or at a low intensity level? How is his physical therapy or rehab exercise program going? Is he coming along quickly or does he still tire out quickly? I’m guessing he still tires very quickly.

You might want to ask him about the change in his libido (because presumably this is all new since his heart attack): does he want to have sex, but doesn’t think he’s physically ready for something that physically demanding? Does he want to have sex but is afraid he’ll have a heart attack if he does something that physically demanding? Does he just not feel any particular desire? How does that strike him: does he “want to want to”, but just doesn’t, or does it not concern him that he does not want to? As other posters pointed out, he’s at a rather high risk for depression, too–that is, his brain chemicals may not be in the kind of balance needed to be in the mood for sex.

I would actually be a little surprised if he spent seven weeks in the hospital and then found he had the physical endurance for sex just a month or so later. It isn’t just that he had his chest cracked open; he also spent a lot of time doing essentially nothing that was seriously aerobic. He’s young to have been through something so serious, but he’s not “young” anymore with regards to recovery time. He is not likely to recover from major surgery as quickly as he would have when he was younger. It’s going to take him awhile.

Between that and possible libido-killing medications he made need, I don’t think it is a surprise that he’s not ready for intercourse just yet. Still, it is worth looking into the causes if he has no libido. If you used to have a mutually-satisfying sex life, that is something he will want back, too.
 
Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.

Amen

:crossrc:
 
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