New to NFP & scared

[DoxieMama]

My husband & I just started the sympto-thermal method of NFP, and I’m afraid of getting pregnant. We had coitus, and then the next day I started my period. According to my charting, I don’t ovulate until 2 to 3 weeks after I start my period. So, I should be ok. But, I still can’t shake the thought that if you have sex without a condom, you’ll get pregnant:shrug:

 

[DoxieMama]

Does anyone have experience with this?

 

[UbiCaritas]

Does anyone have experience with this?

It is virtually impossible for you to get pregnant on the timeline you’ve described. As you say, you won’t ovulate until after you’ve had your period, and you can’t get pregnant, as you know, until the sprm meets the egg. The sprm needs a certain type and quality of CM in order to survive, and you won’t see that type of CM at this point in your cycle. Sprm can live a maximum of five days, and that’s in really perfectly fertile CM, which you did not have when you had intercourse; in the kind of CM you would have had, sprm would only live a few hours. You had intercourse the day before your period, and the fertile CM only occurs for a few days before and possibly the day after (most women have it dry on the day after) ovulation, which should be 10-16 days before your period started. In short, don’t worry. My husband and I use the sympto-thermal method, for the record.

The one caveat to this is that if you’re coming off of hormonal birth control, your cycles can (and almost certainly will) be extremely wonky and unpredictable. In that I have no experience, and can only say in that case for you to a) talk to your NFP instructor and b) if you have a serious reason to avoid, follow the very strictest method or abstain until your cycles regulate.

Feel free to PM me with any other questions.

 

[GreyRabbit]

If I may ask, why, when you are married, are you afraid of getting pregnant? I understand there are reasons to wait…I don’t know if this will help, but my husband and I waited a year for reasons that can be found in a different post of mine, but during that time we practiced NFP and it has worked. Though to be honest, I didn’t exactly chart when we moved, but that’s because I recognized the signs of my fertility without it (which I can get into a little more detail in a PM if you want, but that wouldn’t mean it’s the same for everyone).

Still, one thing I’d like to mention, is that while we wanted to wait, we always acknowledged that any of our unions could result in a child, and if we were okay with that, then we’d continue on, and if we weren’t, we’d abstain. Which is why I wonder about why you are “afraid” as that seems a little more serious? Though of course you don’t have to say if you don’t want to!

Either way, I think you’ll get people who say “it worked for us” and those who say “it didn’t work for us”.

I’m sorry I’m not much more help; if there’s anything more in-depth you’d like to ask me you can send a PM. Otherwise, realize that sex IS for having children, just like an eyeball is for seeing. Children are a natural outcome, not a consequence, so I hate to see you–or anyone for that matter–afraid.

/hug

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

If I may ask, why, when you are married, are you afraid of getting pregnant?
Children are a natural outcome, not a consequence, so I hate to see you–or anyone for that matter–afraid.

It is incredible that people have the nerve to say such things. What the heck do you know about the OP’s circumstances?

 

[Falco]

I have always debated the truth of the statement that ovulation occurs so many days AFTER a period starts.

In my personal experience, ovulation ALWAYS occurred 14 days BEFORE my period started.

I had killer cramps on ovulation day, and a wildly erratic cycle of anything from 24 to 154 days between menstruations. Once I had twigged what the cramps indicated, I used ovulation day to accurately forecast when my next period would be. Never failed. But it was 14 days before, not after, and I used this for 28 years till menopause.

It would have been useless for me to use 14 days after my last period started as an indicator for NFP.

 

[GreyRabbit]

It is incredible that people have the nerve to say such things. What the heck do you know about the OP’s circumstances?

Wow. I didn’t think I was being rude, and if I was then I apologize. Is it really that unreasonable to wonder why the OP used the word “afraid” in reference to getting pregnant, when she’s married, and as Catholics, we believe marriage to be for the purpose of procreating (am I wrong on that?)? Of course there are reasons why people may want to wait, and I was wondering what they were, though I do believe I said in my original post that she doesn’t have to say if she doesn’t want to. I thought people would be better able to advise if we had more detail. Of COURSE I don’t know the circumstances, that’s why I was asking! It’s not the first time people have asked for more details about things!

I don’t want people to be afraid to have children if that’s what they’re going to head towards in life, that’s all I was saying. Is that really so bad? Perhaps the last comment about consequences and all was harsh, I apologize. I only meant that it seemed people who are afraid of having children see them as a consequence, rather than a blessing. I did not mean to imply that the OP thought of it like that, and I apologize for that.

It seems like you’re assuming I’m attacking her or jumping on her. Perhaps next time you could politely ask for more clarification of what I was trying to say, or politely let me know that it was not charitable to ask those kinds of questions?

 

[jackiecarty]

We found a Christian dr. Who was able to explain in more detail about cycle. There is also a book by Kippley that’s pretty detailed. It’s more than just timing…there are body function clues and you can conceive 1 day before you ovulate so it’s also about predicting when you do.

 

[Kelfa28]

My husband & I just started the sympto-thermal method of NFP, and I’m afraid of getting pregnant. We had coitus, and then the next day I started my period. According to my charting, I don’t ovulate until 2 to 3 weeks after I start my period. So, I should be ok. But, I still can’t shake the thought that if you have sex without a condom, you’ll get pregnant:shrug:

Have you taken a class?
Did you read the material?
The only reason why I’m asking is based on this post…it seems like you and your husband and trying to do STM after reading a quick brochure about it.

NFP teaches you that it is impossible to get pregnant in the third phase of your cycle. The egg is gone at that point and sperm can no longer fertilize it. So if you follow the conservative rules of NFP the chances of you getting pregnant are lower then that of using condoms.
You just need to learn how your cycle works.

Grey Rabbit…some people don’t start learning NFP until later in their marriage life. She may have already had a few kids and is in a grave situation that requires her to wait. This may be medical, financial, spacing reasons…whatever.

The fact that she stated she used condoms hints that she has started using NFP at a later time.
Some women have serious medical conditions that require them to permanently postpone pregnancy for the rest of their lives.

I’m in a situation where my husband and I need to wait until we even think about having child number three. This could be upwards of 4 years of needing to wait. I’ll be using the most conservative method of NFP. Personally, I’m a little scared of a surprise pregnancy as well. This doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t welcome the new child though.

 

[GreyRabbit]

As I mentioned before I understand people have their reasons. My husband and I included.
So that’s that. I’m sorry I said anything.

Peace.

–Grey

 

[mountee]

NFP has many resources for couple to learn exactly what they need to know to use it successfully. Hopefully, within your parish you will have a training couple who would be willing to review all the details you need to rest easy in its use. Sometimes people can read the same material and yet need further help in understanding it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help but I would urge you to do it in person so that you can get immediate clarifications if you need them. God created the Human Reproduction system to reproduce, if possible it will. The only absolutely foolproof means of avoiding pregnancy is abstinence which is what NFP uses for preventing pregnancy, that is why it is so effective. However, lots of things can cause a woman’s cycle to be disturbed and therefor NFP requires you to take many steps to monitor the cycle.

 

[Xantippe]

“According to my charting, I don’t ovulate until 2 to 3 weeks after I start my period. So, I should be ok. But, I still can’t shake the thought that if you have sex without a condom, you’ll get pregnant.”

Strictly speaking, having sex during Phase 3 (which is what you did) has a much lower rate of pregnancy than having sex with a condom.

As people have mentioned, you seem a little confused about the method. (“I don’t ovulate until 2 to 3 weeks after I start my period.”) I’m a little rusty on my symptothermal stuff myself, but as a rule, Phase 3 (several days after ovulation, with temperatures high and cervical fluid drying up) is a much surer thing than Phase 1. In fact, if you have serious reasons to wait before having children or more children, you should consider sticking to Phase 3 for marital relations. A lot of people get surprised by unexpectedly short Phase 1s. A short Phase 1 combined with very good sperm quality can lead to surprise pregnancies. You might want to consider just using Phase 3 right now and then maybe adding Phase 1 as you become more experienced and confident with the method.

I recommend both reading (or re-reading) Taking Charge of Your Fertility as well as taking a class. TCoYF is from a secular perspective and so mentions the possibility of using condoms during fertile times, but the book will give you more confidence in the science involved and a better idea of what your body is doing.

Best wishes!

 

[Christy_Beth]

Each woman is different. Right down to their reproductive system. So, one can’t say “This worked for me just like this, so it’ll work for you in the exact same way.” There is always the possibiliy of getting pregnant whenever the man and woman come together. As far as being afraid of getting pregnant, I think I can understand that. She might not be emotionally/relationally ready to have kids at this time. Emotionally, one must be ready to greet a child without reservation. Relationally, there must be stability to offer the child for it’s sense of security.

 

[1ke]

I have always debated the truth of the statement that ovulation occurs so many days AFTER a period starts.

In my personal experience, ovulation ALWAYS occurred 14 days BEFORE my period started.

The first day of menstruation is the first day of your cycle. So, yes, ovulation for that cycle would occur some number of days after menstruation begins.

 

[twoangels]

Wow. I didn’t think I was being rude, and if I was then I apologize. Is it really that unreasonable to wonder why the OP used the word “afraid” in reference to getting pregnant, when she’s married, and as Catholics, we believe marriage to be for the purpose of procreating (am I wrong on that?)?

The question has a stance of superiority and condecension. We are all called to take up our cross and follow the path to calvery. Each step can be difficult and its ok to be afraid. Its one thing to remind people that Christ assures us that he’s there and responds lovingly with “Be not afraid.” Its another thing to turn and chastise for a perfectly human response of finding ourselves afraid.

Even when I’ve wanted to get pregnant, sex – or me – always involves that fear. I remember the first time we used our fertile time, I was petrified of getting a positive pregnancy test. Then when my period came, I cried because I wasn’t pregnant. The following cycle, I had the reverse situation. I anticipated and was fearful of not finding out I was pregnant. When my chart started to indicate I might be pregnant, I became afraid. When I got the positive pregnancy test, this huge feeling of weight descended on both my husband and I. The entire first trimester had mixed feelings. When we thought we were miscarrying, we cried. While we rejoiced in having not miscarried, I still hated the first trimester because I was so sick. Also we had so much to do to get ready for her arrival. We still love and rejoice in our daughter immensely!

Fast forward to when we were trying again, there was a day where I thought I might be pregnant. We were semi trying (not to the point of actively obsessing over fertile days, but not avoiding them either). We both wanted to get pregnant. I had a day where I thought I might be pregnant. I was a little scared and decided to tell my husband my suspecions. He gave me a kiss and and smile and said he was so happy (which he was). We went on to watch a movie, but he then had trouble paying attention to it. He ended up nearly having an anxiety attack during the movie as he kept thinking about the stress of preparing for another child.

We’ve had similiar things with buying our first home, getting married and pretty much every big change. Emotions aren’t sins.

Fear is normal. We should comfort each other when we are afraid, not condemn people for how they feel.

 

[Aggies08]

I recommend both reading (or re-reading) Taking Charge of Your Fertility as well as taking a class. TCoYF is from a secular perspective and so mentions the possibility of using condoms during fertile times, but the book will give you more confidence in the science involved and a better idea of what your body is doing.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

We should comfort each other when we are afraid, not condemn people for how they feel.

I don’t think GreyRabbit was condemning the OP at all. She was just asking a fair question based on what the OP stated. I think couples DO have to examine their own attitudes about contraception, and the OP mentioned having used condoms previously. A lot of people who have used contraception are afraid of the natural result of having sexual intercourse. Even we as Catholics have had the larger society affect us with the contraceptive mentality.

Let’s stop climbing on GreyRabbit for her effort to help, and stick to the topic.

I have never used NFP but if I had, I would recommend classes and being mentored by couples who know how to use it. I hope the OP will find a class. There are different methods and these seem to work for different couples. If one method seems too difficult then there are other options rather than turning to artificial contraception which is a mortal sin.

 

[twoangels]

I don’t think GreyRabbit was condemning the OP at all. She was just asking a fair question based on what the OP stated.

She was questioning the morality of the OP’s feelings.

I think couples DO have to examine their own attitudes about contraception, and the OP mentioned having used condoms previously. A lot of people who have used contraception are afraid of the natural result of having sexual intercourse. Even we as Catholics have had the larger society affect us with the contraceptive mentality.

NFP, by it’s very nature, rids us of the so-called contraceptive mentality. If we are to uphold the sacredness and importance of sex in our marriages, than it really helps us to recognize the sacrifice involved. It makes us deliberately think about it. Are our motivations worth it? It purifies our intentions. But it does this in the long run and it often takes us on unexpected turns.

The Myth of the Contraceptive Mentality

The fear that comes with taking a first step in obedience to our faith is normal. What she needs is the encouragement to keep going. Practicing NFP and getting that support, will help with those anxieties on their own. Condemning her for her emotions is like condemning someone whose just learning to play the piano for being nervous and not playing like a master. Let’s appreciate her step and be patient. Let’s not pat ourselves on the back and guilt people for not being “as good as we are” and then cover our pride up with the false humility of generic conversation about how deeply sinful we are.

Its like condemning a person who hasn’t been to Mass in 10 years for coming to Mass in jeans. Both of you are failing to see God’s grace here and focusing instead on the negative.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

She was questioning the morality of the OP’s feelings.

NFP, by it’s very nature, rids us of the so-called contraceptive mentality. If we are to uphold the sacredness and importance of sex in our marriages, than it really helps us to recognize the sacrifice involved. It makes us deliberately think about it. Are our motivations worth it? It purifies our intentions. But it does this in the long run and it often takes us on unexpected turns.

The Myth of the Contraceptive Mentality

The fear that comes with taking a first step in obedience to our faith is normal. What she needs is the encouragement to keep going. Practicing NFP and getting that support, will help with those anxieties on their own. Condemning her for her emotions is like condemning someone whose just learning to play the piano for being nervous and not playing like a master. Let’s appreciate her step and be patient. Let’s not pat ourselves on the back and guilt people for not being “as good as we are” and then cover our pride up with the false humility of generic conversation about how deeply sinful we are.

Its like condemning a person who hasn’t been to Mass in 10 years for coming to Mass in jeans. Both of you are failing to see God’s grace here and focusing instead on the negative.

Neither of us is failing to see God’s grace, nor are we focusing on the negative. But it’s rather ironic that you are condemning both GreyRabbit and me, for condemnation.

 

[sdeco]

The fear that comes with taking a first step in obedience to our faith is normal. What she needs is the encouragement to keep going. Practicing NFP and getting that support, will help with those anxieties on their own. Condemning her for her emotions is like condemning someone whose just learning to play the piano for being nervous and not playing like a master. Let’s appreciate her step and be patient. Let’s not pat ourselves on the back and guilt people for not being “as good as we are” and then cover our pride up with the false humility of generic conversation about how deeply sinful we are.

Its like condemning a person who hasn’t been to Mass in 10 years for coming to Mass in jeans. Both of you are failing to see God’s grace here and focusing instead on the negative.