New to site and really need help!

[Pinkpolkadot]

hi all. I have been reading the posts on this website for quite a while now and with the situation I am currently in I feel that I jet really need to put it out there and ask for some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and this past Saturday he told me he needed a break so that he could breathe. This was after he broke up with me and then changed his mind all in a matter of minutes. Clearly he is confused right now. We have spent our whole relationship discerning Gods will and we both felt very strongly that we are meant for each other. I know that I have pushed him away and hurt him tremendously bc of the ways that I have treated him at times. So here’s the thing. I know that he needs his space and time but I am soareaid that he is going to convince himself he doesn’t want to be with Me anymore. I want to run to him and tell himhow sorry I am and try to fix all of this but he is notready to talk. What if he isn’t ever ready??? I love him more than anything ing this world and I want to fight for us so badly but I can’t bc he has shut me out for this week. How do I get through this week?? I can’t stop thinkng about it. I have never been so convicted of anything in my life as I am about us being made for each other but what if he doesn’t see that? I’m scared And I feel like I will not make it through this week. Any advice? Please pray for both of us, that his heart will be open to forgiving me and that I can make it through this week without going crazy. Sorry if there are typos in this, I am using my iPhone.

 

[jwashu]

Pray about it. We can offer all kinds of advice for you to tell him or for you to consider but if you are meant to be then God will take care of that for you.

If you truly love him that pray that be God’s will and also pray that He gives you the strength to give this person the time they need, the patience you need and the ability to show how you truly feel (you said you were mean sometimes).

Sometimes we are often the most harsh on those we love the most, our parents our spouses… possibly even God, because we believe / know they will forgive us.

Give him space, but don’t ignore him I guess I would say. My wife and I dated for 2 years and she “knew” I was the one but I don’t know if I doubted it or just was a guy and wanted “freedom” a couple of times. But I knew that I loved her. We were never apart for long and now have been married almost 15 years with 3 kids and 1 on the way.

And are very happy…

Joe

 

[howdytest]

Whatever is going to happen will happen. Realize that. Now let me be cynical.

You sound young. This guy won’t be the last guy you ever meet. He won’t be the last guy that will be compatible with you. Is he really Mr. Right? or simply Mr. Right Now? Do what your guy is doing and take this time to reflect on God’s Will. I’ve been in long(ish) relationships and one day it just hits me, “this girl isn’t for me”. Love makes you blind to the reality of a situation. I once found myself excusing lies and manipulation on the sole rationale of “i love her”.

That said, it sounds like all you need is time. Try to clear your head and think about the situation. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Trust in God.

 

[Pinkpolkadot]

just FYI I’m 23 i don’t feel like that is all that young to be thinking about marriage…

 

[BamaRider]

just FYI I’m 23 i don’t feel like that is all that young to be thinking about marriage…

No its not.

I’d make one last phone call, advising him you love him, and want to be with him, but this was going to be your last one. Admit your faults, and say you’re are gonna do your best to do better, and will work hard on y’all’s relationship. Don’t sound clingy or desperate, instead be matter of factly. The next move is his. Advise him if he decides to end the relationship to at least call you, and have a face 2 face to bring final closure. More then just you, he owes the relationship that much.

I’d spend the time reflecting how y’all got to this point, and zero in on the areas you mistreated him, so if he does renew the relationship you know what NOT to do.

It is my guess it could go 50-50. As a guy, and now a man, I took/take a pretty dim view of being mistreated. I’m not gonna tolerate it, but I’m kinda hardcore they say.

If he doesn’t love you, the way you love him, you need to know that, so you can make the decisions you need to make to find someone else that will. Don’t let him put you on the emotional yo yo. Up today, back down tomorrow etc. Tell him you know you have been incorrect, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna allow you to do that.

Take from this relationship one of life’s most telling lessons. It will be a hard one, because you paid a heavy price to learn it. That being taking someone for granted, which seems to be what you are most guilty off. Perhaps you acted a bit on the selfish side, or just had to have your way, all because you thought he’d never go anywhere?

If he does break it off, not gonna fib, it will be hard, but it will get better and before you know it, you will find yourself thinking about him less and less, till oneday you’ll realize you hadn’t thought of him in a long time, and when you do, it doesn’t make you cry. God will help you get there. If it does come to that, come back here and they’ll be someone around who has BTDT and can help you, even if it’s just to vent.

I’ve been married 32 years, I still don’t take her for granted. Which mostly means I treat her nicely and respect her. I might fail to do that every once in a while, but I keep striving for a perfect score.

 

[thomfra]

I’ve been married 32 years, I still don’t take her for granted. Which mostly means I treat her nicely and respect her. I might fail to do that every once in a while, but I keep striving for a perfect score.

So how many brownie points have you got then? Surely a few in the bank after 32 years??

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m sorry this is happening in your life right now.

My advice is a bit different, but here goes. If he needs his space, and has asked you to not contact him for this week so he can ‘breathe,’ think or whatever…then you calling him, is actually not respecting that space. If you say you respect his need to think things over, then don’t call him, if he has expressly asked that. By calling him, what that tells me (a complete anonymous internet stranger for what it’s worth lol) is that you are putting your own needs, fears of losing him, etc above what his wishes are. That is what love is about, actually…putting others needs before our own. If you messed up, and apologized, don’t beg to have him back. There is nothing to gain by groveling…he now needs to think about the relationship, and if he able to forgive you and move forward with you. If he comes to the conclusion that he cannot, you can try to discuss it, but begging, and over apologizing is not something I ever recommend. You sincerely apologized for your prior actions, right? You have repented and are treating him better, right? If your answers are yes, then you need to let him be, to figure out if he wants a future with you.

So, please give him space, and if he decides to continue with you, it’s meant to be…

If we let something (someone) go, and they come back…then it was meant for us to have. I will keep you in my prayers, but just my two cents to give him his space, and try not to call him, if he expressly asked you not to.

I hope things work out.

 

[mitziemia]

Hi pink,

I’m sorry to hear about this - I’ve been there, done that - with a few relationships…I agree with whatevergirl…if he’s asked for space - the MOST loving thing you could do for him is give him the space he requested…search your soul too…sometimes, I remember, in relationships of my past…it really wasn’t that person, I really was mourning because obviously (like you indicated in your email) relationships aren’t perfect, but rather, it was the** RELATIONSHIP** I was mourning - the “having someone there” and the fear of “oh my, I’m gonna be alone”…THAT was my bigger problem because on hind sight, PRAISE SWEET JESUS these relationships didn’t work…

Secondly, pray. Let it go, THEN if I can offer you one piece of advice, let God decide if this man is for you and be willing to accept that he may not be. When I finally decided that my “picker” was broken with men (and not only broken, but severely demented…lol)…I completely gave it to God…even with my husband, when we were dating, I prayed and eventhough I really was in love with him, I was willing to move on if it wasn’t the relationship God had intended for me…completely open…

Fr. Val, a 92 yo priest, had a conversation about God’s will with me a few months ago…he asked me why wouldn’t I want His will when our Father is sitting in heaven wanting to give us everything…we just needed to ask and TRUST. That being said, pray about your relationship, allow your bf space, but most of all soak into our Lord, develop a Divine Marriage to Him and let Him pick your spouse - might be this guy afterall…but if not, I PROMISE you, God’s plan will be much, much better…

Remember “a man’s rejection is God’s protection”…

I’ll pray, I understand, I can remember exactly how this feels…

Thank you for trusting us to share with us…this is a powerful, wonderful group to tap into…

Blessings,
Holly

 

[BamaRider]

So how many brownie points have you got then? Surely a few in the bank after 32 years??

Yeah I have pretty good savings account. Sometimes I gotta make withdrawls, like when she wants to go to Home Depot when the ballgame is on.

Been my experience one withdrawl=20 depoists, so pick and choose your battles wisely.

For instance, you don’t wanna go to the bank for a parking ticket, when you might need it for felon later on. LOL.

The only reason I say make one last call is simple. If she doesn’t call he might not *ever *call, and the relationship will not have full closure.

 

[Ruthie]

I’m with Holly, especially this:

When I finally decided that my “picker” was broken with men (and not only broken, but severely demented…lol)…I completely gave it to God…even with my husband, when we were dating, I prayed and even though I really was in love with him, I was willing to move on if it wasn’t the relationship God had intended for me…completely open…

And I was 43 at the time. We’ve been married for 12 years.

I also like what Bama said - but wait until the week is up.

***Never ***take the people that are important to you for granted. My primary advice for a good marriage, second to putting God first, is to always thank your spouse for doing anything nice, even if it’s something they routinely do like laundry or taking out the trash. Also, ask nice, instead of demanding. I.e., “Sweetie, would you get me a soda?” instead of “Get me a soda!” Those may seem like little things, but they really make a **big **difference.

That reminds me, I need to go fold laundry. My sweetie asked me last night, “Do you think the Laundry Fairy might come tomorrow?”)

Over and out,

Ruthie

 

[thenewmrssears]

That reminds me, I need to go fold laundry. My sweetie asked me last night, “Do you think the Laundry Fairy might come tomorrow?”)

Over and out,

Ruthie

Hmmm, can you send the Laundry Fairy to our apartment too? She hasn’t visited in about 10 days, but if she doesn’t come soon both of us are going to need to make a trip to Target for some new Hanes…

 

[Pinkpolkadot]

Update for ya’ll…

First of all, thank you for the responses, they mean a lot. So here’s my update…I couldn’t take it anymore and my fingers just took over last night and I called him. I want so badly to give him what he needs in this break, but is it ok for him to just leave me so upset like this? I cry every night, sometimes at work during the day. I have done a lot of thinking and it is NOT the relationship I miss…it is truly HIM that I miss. I can’t imagine my life without him and I don’t remember what life was like before him…not in a creepy sort of way, I just love him more than anything. So when I called him last night I told him I was sorry and I really am trying to honor his wishes, but I just needed to tell him I was sorry for the ways that I had mistreated him and that I want to work this out. He told me he still wasn’t sure if we are supposed to be together and he is just praying about it all week and asked me to do the same. I am, I really am praying about this, but I don’t understand why God has so convicted my heart about this and he is not doing the same in his heart? It just hurts, not knowing what he will say to me on Sunday when he said he would call me. When we were talking I told him that I had realized a lot of things and he told me I could email him if I felt he really needed to hear them…I don’t know if I should or not. I want to respect his wishes as much as I can, but I also feel like he needs to hear these things, but I ALSO know that part of me wants to talk him into his decision somehow…UGH!!!

Anyways, continued prayers, please! I sure as heck need them. I am starting to get angry with God for doing this and I know there is some greater reason for it all that I am too human to see, but I love him, I really love him and want him to be my husband one day…

 

[BamaRider]

God is not doing this sweetie, this is the result of the decesions you made. But that does not mean He can’t fix it and lead you to where you need to be, which could be with this guy, or maybe not.

You’ve done as I suggested earlier, you called and explained how you feel, made promises to do better, and want to move forward.

The next move is his. Don’t call him, email him or text. Clinging and desperation are not attractive. You’ve told him everything you need to say already.

If he wants to reunite you must know it is because of his feelings, not your phone calls and playing the sympathy card.

I’ve often had to thank God for unanswered prayers later on.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi Pink;

You did not take my advice…! Ok…you’re forgiven. lol


I would like to offer you something to think about. I dated a guy back in college who was verbally abusive to me. Every time I would threaten to break up (it really wasn’t a threat, I really wanted to break up) he would apologize and change for a short time…then, after a few weeks…back to the verbal assaults. I am not saying you will do this, but I just submit that story to you for you to reflect on so that if he does ‘take you back,’ that you really try to be kind and sincere to him. Not saying that you are sad just because he is thinking of ending things with you–but you know that old adage…‘you don’t know what you got til it’s gone?’ That is how he used to be…and finally one day, I just ended it…never looked back. He begged, pleaded, stalked…but he finally got the point that it was over.

I am not saying you are anywhere like that guy–I don’t know your situation, but please take this time this week not to call him…and try to talk him into WHAT YOU WANT…but take this time to reflect on why you treated him the way you did, and how if things work out between you two, how you can grow from this experience. This is an opportunity for you to self reflect and grow and learn …grow in holiness during this time, and treat him with greater respect. You will be better for it, and so will he–should he choose to be with you.

BUT…If he tells you that it’s over…please…don’t badger him or beg and plead. This isn’t God’s fault that this is happening…you have to accept that you had a hand in turning this man away from you. Unless you accept that and try to change, you will repeat the same behavior…maybe not with him, but with another. I was a pretty awful wife to my husband after about 5 years of marriage…I asked for a separation. Thankfully, my husband was patient–and we worked things out. I had to change though. I couldn’t keep treating him the same way, and expecting our marriage to be better.

So…please spend this week trying to figure out yourself…why you treated him that way–and try to improve. But, also…don’t revolve every waking moment around what he’s doing…what is he thinking…it’s not healthy for you.

Hugs, and God bless! Hope you know I mean well with my advice.