New wife advice from old(er) wives

[EasterJoy]

What if the spouse does not agree to put the new family first and continues to cling to the family of origin? Interested in people’s thoughts as this is relevant to my personal situation.

What you do is less important than that you mutually agree to it and do it willingly.

Remember, too, that Our Lord said, “Should anyone press you into service for one
mile, go with him for two miles. Give to the one who asks of you, and do not turn your back on one who wants to borrow.” Matt. 5:41-42 You shouldn’t let your in-laws run your life, but it is OK to accommodate the weakness of a third party out of generosity of heart. You may choose to make your in-laws that kind of third party some of the time.

Here is another rule: NO “I TOLD YOU SO.” If you submit to do something your spouse’s way, you say we decided to do it and we will take the consequences and the credit, whether good or bad. No “you owe be for this” or keeping score, either. Either you go along or you don’t, but no keeping score or laying the responsibility on just one party.

There are few things that will make you feel more loved than to push for what turns out later to have been a bad idea, and have your spouse stand beside you and say, “We decided together to go with this idea, and we’ll live with it together.”

 

[Demetra2]

I have been married a long time and the first bit of advice that comes to mind is to always speak kindly about your spouse to family and friends. Too often spouses gossip about the shortcomings of their husband or wife and this is a sort of betrayal. I would especially recommend that it is a bad idea for a husband or wife to reveal the content of arguments to their parents or siblings. Also when it comes to spouses and their parents/inlaws it is important to have boundaries but it is also important to be respectful and considerate of the older generation whenever possible. It is a challenge to strike a balance but it must be done. Also it is very important to tell your husband or wife that you love them and are proud of them and appreciate them. Do something nice for each other as often as possible. It doesn’t have to cost anything and it can be as simple as a loving look or words of encouragement. Being careful with money is another way to keep a marriage on solid ground. And of course, pray and attend church every week and confession as needed.

 

[NFPWife]

First and foremost, practice NFP. God blesses what is holy. In profound and supernatural ways.

There’s lots of great advice here - I agree with Monicad and think John Gottman is great. Unlike a lot of marital researchers, he’s studied successful couples and groups couples into Master and Disasters. There’s a Catholic course that applies Catholic theology with his research and interventions. gottman.com/shop/partners-on-the-journey/

Here’s pt. 1 of a Gottman talk - youtube.com/watch?v=LLXX8wzvT7c. (2,3, and 4 will come up once you watch it.)

DH and I have a “my people/ your people” rule. Essentially, when boundaries need drawn with extended family the spouse who the “people” belong to draws the boundary.

I don’t think anyone else has mentioned this resource, it’s a little more pop psych than Gottman, but the Five Love Languages is very good. Gary Chapman who wrote it also has the Five Languages of Apology.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

She’s implying that they have a conflict, he takes offense at something she says or does, and in retaliation he resorts to stonewalling, which is to say he shuts down and withdraws from the whole conflict. It does not have anything necessarily to do with who is really “right” or “wrong” in some juridical sense. Judging one party right and the other wrong requires an impartial judge, and impartial judge is exactly what marital conflicts that go off the rails do not have. She is also saying that she has developed a sense of how long to let the collective blood simmer down before attempting to call off the conflict by a mutual fiat. Stonewalling can be deadly to a marriage, but she doesn’t take it personally. She takes it as a force of nature that can be dealt with. That transforms it from a stonewall into a mutually-agreed-upon cool off period. She also implies that she and her husband can have a sense of humor about their conflicts, once they have that cool-down period.

I’m kinda confused about the way you’re characterizing the OP’s disagreements with her husband. The OP seems to suggest that she will sometimes be injurious towards her husband and he leaves to cool down the situation until she is ready to apologize. Why is that a bad thing on his part? It would probably be better if he was able to secure an apology from her more quickly and thus a resolution, but that is often easier said than done.

 

[NFPWife]

I’m kinda confused about the way you’re characterizing the OP’s disagreements with her husband. The OP seems to suggest that she will sometimes be injurious towards her husband and he leaves to cool down the situation until she is ready to apologize. Why is that a bad thing on his part? It would probably be better if he was able to secure an apology from her more quickly and thus a resolution, but that is often easier said than done.

Take a look at this video - youtube.com/watch?v=CbJPaQY_1dc . Monicad was referring to this researcher and his body of work.

I might label what the OP’s husband does an “Exit and Wait” strategy. I’m guessing he’s exiting to calm down and then is able to come back to the situation.

Stonewalling is concerning when the repair attempt is rebuffed and the couple doesn’t come back together to problem solve the original problem.

 

[mandajane]

As far as ‘stonewalling’…

I have a very hard time not becoming overly emotional when I get into an argument with my DH (anxiety issues). We still have to hash things out, but it’s not helpful to the argument when I am sobbing uncontrollably and have lost all sense. So, I often tell him “I am not going to talk about this right now” and leave the room. It gives me time to cry, and work out my anxiety, and find my words so I can fight fair.

Admittedly, I’ve only been married 8 months so take it with a grain of salt.

 

[EasterJoy]

As far as ‘stonewalling’…

I have a very hard time not becoming overly emotional when I get into an argument with my DH (anxiety issues). We still have to hash things out, but it’s not helpful to the argument when I am sobbing uncontrollably and have lost all sense. So, I often tell him “I am not going to talk about this right now” and leave the room. It gives me time to cry, and work out my anxiety, and find my words so I can fight fair.

Admittedly, I’ve only been married 8 months so take it with a grain of salt.

I’ve been married over 20, and we do much the same thing. My husband read somewhere that couples shouldn’t have important debates after 4:30 in the afternoon, because people say things they do not mean and take things the wrong way when they’re tired. For us, any time one of us is tired is declared to be “after 4:30”!

Seriously, though, if one or both of us is starting to lose rationality, lose energy, or flood with emotion, then either of us can say “I think it is after 4:30”, and we put the discussion off for a better time. As long as you say, “I need to cool down” and don’t just start stonewalling him or give him the impression that you’re withdrawing love as a punishment, your method ought to work fine.

 

[EasterJoy]

Take a look at this video - youtube.com/watch?v=CbJPaQY_1dc . Monicad was referring to this researcher and his body of work.

I might label what the OP’s husband does an “Exit and Wait” strategy. I’m guessing he’s exiting to calm down and then is able to come back to the situation.

Stonewalling is concerning when the repair attempt is rebuffed and the couple doesn’t come back together to problem solve the original problem.

If the party being shut out of the room knows not to take it personally and they can trust the topic will still have its day at a better time, and they’re OK with that, it isn’t stonewalling. If they feel you’re shutting them down so they can’t talk, or to punish them, or to avoid the discussion altogether, et cetera, that is stonewalling.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m kinda confused about the way you’re characterizing the OP’s disagreements with her husband. The OP seems to suggest that she will sometimes be injurious towards her husband and he leaves to cool down the situation until she is ready to apologize. Why is that a bad thing on his part? It would probably be better if he was able to secure an apology from her more quickly and thus a resolution, but that is often easier said than done.

Let me express myself better. I only mean that if there was some referee who could tell you “he is being unreasonable or overly sensitive” or “she was being too harsh or too blunt or unfair,” this judgment would not matter nearly so much as you might think. If one of them feels hurt, attacked, cornered, overwhelmed by emotion, or the like, the couple needs to find a way to handle that which minimizes the long-term damage that is primed to take place.

If he floods with emotion, they usually don’t need someone telling them whether he has some “right” to do it. They need to know how to handle it when a discussion is derailed by an incident of emotional flooding. Usually it is very good to drop the discussion by mutual agreement. Very often, the spouse who is flooding does not want someone to “fix” them. They want to have some time to compose themselves or just some privacy that keeps them from saying the hurtful things they have on the tip of their own tongue.

Still, sometimes when we dig into one of these caves, there gets to be a point where we also need help to get out of the cave. That seems to be his situation. He wants to be able to retreat, then he wants help lifting himself out of his retreat. If it works for them, it works for them. There is no reason it couldn’t.

 

[maryjk]

I have been married a long time and the first bit of advice that comes to mind is to always speak kindly about your spouse to family and friends. Too often spouses gossip about the shortcomings of their husband or wife and this is a sort of betrayal. I would especially recommend that it is a bad idea for a husband or wife to reveal the content of arguments to their parents or siblings.

I agree. My husband and I very rarely fight or even disagree.

But one thing we never do is to denigrate our spouse to someone else. If you have a problem with your spouse, talk to your spouse about it. Don’t talk to your family or friends. If it is a big enough that you need to talk about it with someone else, take it to your priest.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have been married a long time and the first bit of advice that comes to mind is to always speak kindly about your spouse to family and friends. Too often spouses gossip about the shortcomings of their husband or wife and this is a sort of betrayal. I would especially recommend that it is a bad idea for a husband or wife to reveal the content of arguments to their parents or siblings. Also when it comes to spouses and their parents/inlaws it is important to have boundaries but it is also important to be respectful and considerate of the older generation whenever possible. It is a challenge to strike a balance but it must be done. Also it is very important to tell your husband or wife that you love them and are proud of them and appreciate them. Do something nice for each other as often as possible. It doesn’t have to cost anything and it can be as simple as a loving look or words of encouragement. Being careful with money is another way to keep a marriage on solid ground. And of course, pray and attend church every week and confession as needed.

I will second the opinion that this is excellent advice, particularly that a) you never have a bad word to say about them, excepting complaints that you bring to them directly, in a constructive manner and b) that you do not neglect to let them know how you prize him or her and appreciate the loving gestures they make.

Whether in complaint or praise, it is better to be specific and to avoid implying that your commitment to love is conditional on how they compare to others or whether they happen to be pleasing to you at the moment. Compare your actions and theirs to a standard you can both appreciate, not the expectations or accomplishments of third parties.

 

[Hockeygurl]

Lessons I have learned (the HARD way)

1. Getting jealous when he wants to spend time away from you, with his friends. I had a hard time with this… but it did get easier as I got older (now I try to push him out)… realize he needs this time for himself
2. Don’t keep score. Once you make up and forgive you cant keep bringing up old mistakes.
3. He may show his love different… My hubby needs sex to know that we are “together” and that I love him, recognize this and fufill his needs and he will start responding more to yours.

 

[ccmcmg]

One thing I’m working on:

Would you rather be right, or be happy?

(Since I usually think that I’m right, I don’t understand why it can’t be both, but it is true.)

 

[EasterJoy]

Lessons I have learned (the HARD way)

1. Getting jealous when he wants to spend time away from you, with his friends. I had a hard time with this… but it did get easier as I got older (now I try to push him out)… realize he needs this time for himself
2. Don’t keep score. Once you make up and forgive you cant keep bringing up old mistakes.
3. He may show his love different… My hubby needs sex to know that we are “together” and that I love him, recognize this and fufill his needs and he will start responding more to yours.

Also very important!

On that note, the book “5 Love Languages” is a good one to get an idea of how different people express and experience affectionate gestures differently. (The languages are as different as people are…but I guess that is a bit like real languages, which also don’t fit so neatly into monolithic tongues as we sometimes think!)

 

[bmaj]

Lots of very good advice here. I saw at least one person mentioned to always pray for your spouse — so very true and important!!! Every day if possible. And when you find out the little things that can make them upset…try to work at not pushing those particular buttons. It can take time to remember, but after awhile it gets easier. Also let them know how much you appreciate all that they do around the house or for you and the family - if possible, soon after they do it. Like fixing something around the house and saving money by not having to call in someone to do it. And trying to keep humor in the marriage whenever possible and look at the bright side in things that come up. A good laugh together (but never at someone else’s expense) is great therapy in all aspects of life!
Remember - it’s definitely not always easy, but God’s with you every step of the way.

 

[fencersmother]

I love the advice of not denigrating your spouse, ever. Excellent.

One other thing we decided early on: we would not even entertain the word “divorce.” If we had friends who happened to choose this path, we prayed for them, but did not mention that word.

 

[EasterJoy]

I love the advice of not denigrating your spouse, ever. Excellent.

One other thing we decided early on: we would not even entertain the word “divorce.” If we had friends who happened to choose this path, we prayed for them, but did not mention that word.

As my grandmother’s generation always said: Divorce? Never! Homicide, maybe, but never divorce!"

There are times when divorce is permissible, but the word ought to be treated as the loaded gun it is. Don’t aim it in the direction of something you don’t intend to kill.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Goal: get each other to heaven!!!

Remember in marriage the goal is to get each other to heaven. In reaching this goal you are not in competition, but working as a team. Each team member has strengths and weaknesses. It will take a life time to garden these. Don’t let the Devil make so many details (who left this undone … Who does XXX more) that you can’t see the heavenly goal. Yes, it’s good to scream out OMG in renewing your marital vows. Lastly, as one of you stands at the grave of the other, you can stll pray for your partner to get to heaven. Yes, our goal is to get our spouse to heaven. Practice this often.

 

[mommamaree]

Here is the opposite advice of what was given here by others, not because my advice is better, with all Christian love this is just my experience that’s all:

• I had heard the old saying for healthy marriages **“Never go to be angry” ** which sounded so sweet to me!
• Then one day I heard the funny sarcastic **“Never go to bed angry, it’s better to stay awake and fight.” ** which was a lot more like my life!

For a while in my marriage I, too tried to never go to bed angry. Then I realized at times all that did was keep us up late trying to resolve a disagreement. After that were times when I was just too exhausted and emotional to face the issue, so I began to postpone discussion of problems until a better time but I was still very angry.

Therefore my advice as a wife would be that sometimes it is okay to go bed angry. I never thought I would actually say that to be honest with you. I felt like a failure when I jut couldn’t do it but there you are, that was my reality. My apologies to the wives here whose marriages it really works for to “Never let the sun set on your argument” but in my marriage it didn’t. I suppose a lot has to do with your temperaments and what the issue is. I could resolve an issue over toilet roll infractions or even something that wouldn’t matter in six months I think, but we sometimes had issues over child-rearing, money, and other deeply held issues that we argued over that caused a lot of problems.

FYI: I am not encouraging anyone to go to bed angry, just advice to a new wife that you are not a failure if you do. I felt like a failure because I kept hearing you shouldn’t do it and I did it a lot during certain bad times. Hope this helps someone else, God bless.

Yes, setting aside an argument in favor of both spouses getting much needed sleep is a valid option. My husband and I regularly use this option, and over time, it made disagreements less contentious. Also, many times, come morning, we both forgot the argument, or felt silly about it.

I also favor giving both spouses the option to beg off of a fight, rather than engage. If they have a pattern of being ready to work on problems, and admitting wrongs, and putting the relationship first, they have demonstrated that stopping a difficult conversation is not their way of stonewalling or escaping from problems. Sometimes, we don’t have the strength or clarity to address a problem, and asking to wait for a better time is acceptable.

A third tool in my marital argument tool box is to watch my tone, and to expect the same from my husband. We can conquer anything together, but an adversarial tone kills cooperation. I am careful with how I speak to him, even when I am angry, and I reserve the right to pause any conversation if I feel I am being treated disrespectfully.

 

[mommamaree]

General advice (assuming you are married to a decent, reasonable man):
Don’t badmouth your husband. But do look for opportunities to say good things about him.
Think and act as if you believe him to be the better person. But do not neglect to gently help him become aware of his faults, so that you can help him overcome them.
Be generous in marital intimacy (frequency). But be an active participant and communicate what pleases you (quality).
For little annoyances, use teasing him and also self-depricating humor to take the pressure off. But don’t turn everything into a joke, and don’t mock him.
Do nice things for him everyday. But don’t do them without letting him know you have done them. (If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? Or, how do those clean socks miraculously appear in his drawer?)