New Years Eve Screw Up-Any Advice?

[APQ2784]

Hi, I am a new, young mother and my husband and I don’t have a lot of help so we take turns going out to do social things. We rarely get to go out together anymore. He offered to stay home with the baby and so I could go out to watch some bands play on New Years Eve with my girlfriends. We were having fun drinking and dancing right in the front of the stage and when the countdown to the new year ended the singer of the band said “Happy New Year, I need a kiss!” He locked eyes with me and leaned down toward me and I felt oddly/drunkenly obligated (I know, stupid me) to kiss him. It was about as innocent of a kiss as if you kissed your brother, but still a kiss in front of an entire bar of people. I feel so horrible!

My girlfriend kept teasing me all night saying “somebody has a crush on you” blah blah. Normally it wouldn’t be a big deal to just tell my husband and move on, but when my husband and I were first dating we struggled through a bout of infidelity on my part that almost ruined our relationship and friendship. We have since worked through all of that, got married and had a child but he still occasionally has trust issues.

I feel like I should tell him it happened but I also don’t want to bring up old emotions and make him distrust me again. It took so so many years for us to get to a good place where he didn’t feel hurt about the subject and didn’t distrust me. I feel so torn because I know he would want to know. I feel like going to confession and putting it behind me but what if one of our friends brings it up to him when we hang out and then he feels betrayed by me not telling him. Any advice would be helpful.

 

[CthgeDelendaEst]

I would typically recommend just going to confession and bearing the burden of guilt by yourself. However, several of your girlfriends know about this. One was teasing you about it. Some have probably told their husbands or gossiped about it with people who weren’t there. Only you can answer this, but if there is a non-zero chance this will get back to your husband, you are better off coming clean.

 

[LongingSoul]

This is an unfortunate situation considering the difficulty you have already had to overcome with your husband before. If it were me, I would tell him sooner rather than later otherwise it’ll be hanging over your head for years wondering if it will be mentioned and take on the added thorn of having been kept a ‘secret’.

Put the results in the hands of God to heal. Please do take a lesson from this though. Don’t lock eyes with someone who isn’t your husband. That’s playing a dangerous game with fidelity to your marriage vow. You have to consciously deflect those flirty tactics that men and women use to hook each other… even for this sort of New Years kiss thing. Your marriage bond has to be guarded at all times.

God bless and all the best.

 

[MaryT777]

This is an unfortunate situation considering the difficulty you have already had to overcome with your husband before. If it were me, I would tell him sooner rather than later otherwise it’ll be hanging over your head for years wondering if it will be mentioned and take on the added thorn of having been kept a ‘secret’.

Put the results in the hands of God to heal. Please do take a lesson from this though. Don’t lock eyes with someone who isn’t your husband. That’s playing a dangerous game with fidelity to your marriage vow. You have to consciously deflect those flirty tactics that men and women use to hook each other… even for this sort of New Years kiss thing. Your marriage bond has to be guarded at all times.

God bless and all the best.

This,

 

[Lookingforjoy]

If there’s any chance that he’d hear it from someone else, you have to be the one to tell him. It would hurt so much more to hear it from someone else, and it might make him think you’ve done other things that you aren’t admitting.

 

[APQ2784]

Well I knew we would end up talking about it. I didnt want it to turn into some ‘secret’ or become something more than it was, which was just a stupid bad split second decision. I just talked to him about it and of course he is very upset and it drudged up old emotions and feelings. I know telling him was the best decision but now I have to deal with the repercussions. Please, please pray for us.

 

[maryjk]

This is an unfortunate situation considering the difficulty you have already had to overcome with your husband before. If it were me, I would tell him sooner rather than later otherwise it’ll be hanging over your head for years wondering if it will be mentioned and take on the added thorn of having been kept a ‘secret’.

Put the results in the hands of God to heal. Please do take a lesson from this though. Don’t lock eyes with someone who isn’t your husband. That’s playing a dangerous game with fidelity to your marriage vow. You have to consciously deflect those flirty tactics that men and women use to hook each other… even for this sort of New Years kiss thing. **Your marriage bond has to be guarded at all times.
**
God bless and all the best.

I agree.

OP, in your situation, I would avoid going out without your husband. And if you do go out without him, be should to be with someone that supports your marriage.

The fact that your girlfriends were joking about someone having a crush on you, indicates that they may not see your marriage as they should.

 

[12345678]

I will pray for you and your husband!

I wanted to mention one thing that really jumped out to me. Even before I read what happened, the fact that you both go out socially alone as more of a norm than going out together as a couple was a big red flag to me. Many screw ups that happen in marriages were not planned to happen but do happen because of imprudent choices. I would stop going out drinking etc with girlfriends alone and look into other ways of you both spending time together. See if there is any program at your Church, moms day out, or another program where you could have someone reliable and safe watch your child. Maybe have dates in your home after your little one goes to sleep, or take your little one with you.

 

[mjs2001]

You’re on the right path in that you’ve told your husband and you’re going to confession. I think that you and your husband need to be best friends, and not have “girls night out” or “guys night out” unless it is with people who understand what marriage truly is, who will encourage fidelity, and who want the best for your marriage. Your friends do not seem to be supportive of your marriage–there’s nothing amusing about infidelity. And please don’t be tempted minimize your actions–it was an act of betrayal and infidelity. Your friends may not see it that way and they may not think it was a big deal, but you and your husband know otherwise. Devote yourself to him, as he must also forgive you and devote himself to you. He will likely have trust issues, and be hurt and confused that you’re attracted to other men. My suggestion is to not go out without him anymore, and he shouldn’t go out without you. One final piece of advice: if drinking lead to this infidelity, then you must quit drinking. You may not be a knuckle-dragging drunk, but one doesn’t have to be a drunk to have a drinking problem. Many families have been destroyed by activities that arose from “casual” drinking that had gotten out of hand.

 

[jmcrae]

Well I knew we would end up talking about it. I didnt want it to turn into some ‘secret’ or become something more than it was, which was just a stupid bad split second decision. I just talked to him about it and of course he is very upset and it drudged up old emotions and feelings. I know telling him was the best decision but now I have to deal with the repercussions. Please, please pray for us.

Prayers for you, dear heart. You will get through this, I promise. I’m sure your husband knows you feel bad about the whole thing, and that you have no feelings whatsoever for the singer.

And find a neighbor - either a teenager or a widowed woman - who can watch your children while you both go out together, from now on.

 

[Estevao]

One is never “obligated” to sin no matter how much booze you’ve drunk, this is incoherent, it’s like saying I was “obligated” to put ‘5’ after ‘2+2 =’ because I had a six pack while I was doing my math homework. You’re using the wrong word here, the word your looking for is that you were “tempted”.

 

[jmcrae]

One is never “obligated” to sin no matter how much booze you’ve drunk, this is incoherent, it’s like saying I was “obligated” to put ‘5’ after ‘2+2 =’ because I had a six pack while I was doing my math homework. You’re using the wrong word here, the word your looking for is that you were “tempted”.

In reading her account, it sounds like he reached into the crowd and pulled her face to his for a kiss, and in the moment, she didn’t want to wound his pride, and didn’t know how to react - she did mention that she’s young - the guy probably thought he was flattering her.

 

[Estevao]

In reading her account, it sounds like he reached into the crowd and pulled her face to his for a kiss, and in the moment, she didn’t want to wound his pride, and didn’t know how to react - she did mention that she’s young - the guy probably thought he was flattering her.

Ok but one is never obligated to sin, sin is an act of the will. OP asked for advice, and my advice would be not to use the word “obligated” to describe something that OP thinks is a sin and needs to have forgiven in the sacrament of penance.

 

[APQ2784]

One is never “obligated” to sin no matter how much booze you’ve drunk, this is incoherent, it’s like saying I was “obligated” to put ‘5’ after ‘2+2 =’ because I had a six pack while I was doing my math homework. You’re using the wrong word here, the word your looking for is that you were “tempted”.

You are right, all responsibility is very much mine I do not deny that. I guess what I meant by “obligated” was more of like peer pressure of the moment. Now that I am not intoxicated I could think of quit a few ways I could have politely declined. I guess I am a very weak person in a lot of ways. I have learned quite a few lessons from this experience. I am not guarded enough about my marriage and shouldn’t drink when I am alone away from my husband. It is not easy being a young married catholic family. Not may people are doing it anymore and very few respect it. I was out with the wrong group of friends. I need to find some young catholic families to spend time with. Ugh, wish I had a time machine so badly

 

[LoveMorrissey]

Hi, I am a new, young mother and my husband and I don’t have a lot of help so we take turns going out to do social things. We rarely get to go out together anymore. He offered to stay home with the baby and so I could go out to watch some bands play on New Years Eve with my girlfriends. We were having fun drinking and dancing right in the front of the stage and when the countdown to the new year ended the singer of the band said “Happy New Year, I need a kiss!” He locked eyes with me and leaned down toward me and I felt oddly/drunkenly obligated (I know, stupid me) to kiss him. It was about as innocent of a kiss as if you kissed your brother, but still a kiss in front of an entire bar of people. I feel so horrible!

My girlfriend kept teasing me all night saying “somebody has a crush on you” blah blah. Normally it wouldn’t be a big deal to just tell my husband and move on, but when my husband and I were first dating we struggled through a bout of infidelity on my part that almost ruined our relationship and friendship. We have since worked through all of that, got married and had a child but he still occasionally has trust issues.

I feel like I should tell him it happened but I also don’t want to bring up old emotions and make him distrust me again. It took so so many years for us to get to a good place where he didn’t feel hurt about the subject and didn’t distrust me. I feel so torn because I know he would want to know. I feel like going to confession and putting it behind me but what if one of our friends brings it up to him when we hang out and then he feels betrayed by me not telling him. Any advice would be helpful.

Do not beat yourself up about this whatever you do. I no longer drink at all but I used to and I can assure you I’ve said and and done many things far worse. Time is the healer.

Try and put it to the back of your mind and keep praying, God will forgive you, 99% of people have some sort of mess up around this time, stay strong and don’t worry.

 

[APQ2784]

Okay I am a married woman and I kiss other men on the lips, friends, etc. but this is just how I grew up in my culture and family.

As you said this was a kiss like a “brother” right?

It seems as if you were part of the show in the spotlight too. This was not like some clandestine meeting it was the band leader leaning over during the show! It is not uncommon for the host of a show (remember the olden days Johnny Carson, or Richard Dawson) to give a lady a short peck on the lips. To refuse him would have been very awkward.

I may be the odd poster out here, however it seems to me like the band member wasn’t so much trying to flirt with you as he was trying to entertain the crowd and give a young lady a quick kiss for New Years. It sounds as if he was a gentleman and didn’t try and force his tongue down your throat or get your phone number, therefore I wouldn’t think this bad at all. I can see that your husband may have bad feelings about what happened years ago but this New Years kiss wasn’t your fault, just my two cents.

This is a very accurate depiction of the situation. It did feel very awkward to ruin the “showmanship” and say no so in a split second a gave him a short peck of a kiss. But my husband said if it were him in that situation he would have said sorry Im married and grabbed some single guy (or in my case- a girl) next to him and thrown them in the line of fire. I wish I would thought to do that but I made the dumb decision. Given our past, he is taking it as I am not a changed person and I have a pattern of behavior that even marriage and a child hasn’t changed. I know he is just very upset and just found out but I really hope he doesnt continue to feel that much hurt. I just feel like such ****. Trying not to beat myself up though and just trust God will help heal the situation.

 

[Catholic1954]

Hi, I am a new, young mother and my husband and I don’t have a lot of help so we take turns going out to do social things. We rarely get to go out together anymore. He offered to stay home with the baby and so I could go out to watch some bands play on New Years Eve with my girlfriends. We were having fun drinking and dancing right in the front of the stage and when the countdown to the new year ended the singer of the band said “Happy New Year, I need a kiss!” He locked eyes with me and leaned down toward me and I felt oddly/drunkenly obligated (I know, stupid me) to kiss him. It was about as innocent of a kiss as if you kissed your brother, but still a kiss in front of an entire bar of people. I feel so horrible!

My girlfriend kept teasing me all night saying “somebody has a crush on you” blah blah. Normally it wouldn’t be a big deal to just tell my husband and move on, but when my husband and I were first dating we struggled through a bout of infidelity on my part that almost ruined our relationship and friendship. We have since worked through all of that, got married and had a child but he still occasionally has trust issues.

I feel like I should tell him it happened but I also don’t want to bring up old emotions and make him distrust me again. It took so so many years for us to get to a good place where he didn’t feel hurt about the subject and didn’t distrust me. I feel so torn because I know he would want to know. I feel like going to confession and putting it behind me but what if one of our friends brings it up to him when we hang out and then he feels betrayed by me not telling him. Any advice would be helpful.

I would tell him in a casual, non-threatening way, before some big mouth, who was there mentions it, a few days, weeks, months or years from now. Just tell him, “Hey, did I tell you what this big jerk did to me on New Year’s Eve?” I think you know now that a nice, married Catholic lady, with a baby, should not be getting drunk (or dancing?!) with girlfriends -not a good way to have fun without your husband.

 

[maryjk]

Okay I am a married woman and I kiss other men on the lips, friends, etc. but this is just how I grew up in my culture and family.

As you said this was a kiss like a “brother” right?

I am guessing from the OP’s concern that kissing men that you are not married to, on the lips, isn’t part of her culture.

I would tell him in a casual, non-threatening way, before some big mouth, who was there mentions it, a few days, weeks, months or years from now. Just tell him, “Hey, did I tell you what this big jerk did to me on New Year’s Eve?”

I think the OP has already told her husband.

I think you know now that a nice, married Catholic lady, with a baby, should not be getting drunk (or dancing?!) with girlfriends -not a good way to have fun without your husband.

I would only change this to “any married lady” should not be out getting drunk, with girlfriends.

 

[CthgeDelendaEst]

This is a very accurate depiction of the situation. It did feel very awkward to ruin the “showmanship” and say no so in a split second a gave him a short peck of a kiss. But my husband said if it were him in that situation he would have said sorry Im married and grabbed some single guy (or in my case- a girl) next to him and thrown them in the line of fire. I wish I would thought to do that but I made the dumb decision. Given our past, he is taking it as I am not a changed person and I have a pattern of behavior that even marriage and a child hasn’t changed. I know he is just very upset and just found out but I really hope he doesnt continue to feel that much hurt. I just feel like such ****. Trying not to beat myself up though and just trust God will help heal the situation.

Don’t let your past transgression be used against you - you weren’t married at the time and your husband was free to walk away from you - he chose to forgive you and marry you. That part of the past is settled.

What is more troubling, as others have mentioned, is going out partying, dancing and drinking without each other. You’re married and have responsibilities now, your nightclubbing days are over. You can have fun with your girlfriends in other settings.

 

[APQ2784]

What is more troubling, as others have mentioned, is going out partying, dancing and drinking without each other. You’re married and have responsibilities now, your nightclubbing days are over. You can have fun with your girlfriends in other settings.

I think going out separately more often rather than with each other could open our marriage up to temptation and issues. However, I think it is totally possible for a good, married Catholic woman to go out for girl-time dancing to live music and have a few drinks without it being sinful or bad. Live music has always been a passion of mine and I dont think I should give it up just because I am a mother and wife. I think LESS drinking (not letting myself get drunk- which is sinful) would have dramatically changed the outcome of this whole thing.

But I understand what you mean about entering a new chapter of life and making adjustments to fit that.