Newborn and spousal physical intimacy

[E_7]

Experienced married Catholics,

With a newborn, how do you manage taking care of the newborn, lack of sleep and house chores, plus having time for the spouse for some physical intimacy? (Not necessarily sex, but kissing, hugging, touching…) How do you avoid getting disconnected from your spouse both physically and emotionally during these times. How to keep attraction, romance and passion alive during these times? How to keep the fire going?

Thanks!

 

[Xantippe]

Experienced married Catholics,

With a newborn, how do you manage taking care of the newborn, lack of sleep and house chores, plus having time for the spouse for some physical intimacy? (Not necessarily sex, but kissing, hugging, touching…) How do you avoid getting disconnected from your spouse both physically and emotionally during these times. How to keep attraction, romance and passion alive during these times? How to keep the fire going?

Thanks!

I think you’ll find that you get into more and more of a rhythm with your baby. Baby will have more and more of a schedule, there will be longer and more predictable naps, longer sleep at night, etc.

So, part of the answer is just hanging on for another month or two and seeing how things develop.

In the meantime, how about a walk with your husband and the baby? And if you have the funds, consider a dinner out. Little babies can be excellent restaurant-goers. With our oldest, we also had a lot of fun just hanging out on the bed playing with the baby.

Best wishes!

 

[underacloud]

For starters, recognising that you should make an effort is the most important step.

Focus on affection. Romance and passion may be a little more difficult for a while, but affection should not be. As you say - kissing, hugging, touching.

From my experience, the key thing that helped with - well - everything was getting baby into a good sleep routine. Once you can do this, you can start to plan out your whole lives more effectively, and get your housework done, and know that you should have x-amount of time for just the two of you.

And make sure you get out of the house. You’ll go nuts otherwise. Babies are not too hard to carry around while young, and even put under the table in a cafe/restaurant while they are asleep (in a capsule of course).

 

[Brianmcg321]

This how it went with my wife and I for about the first year.

1. We didn’t care at all about the house. It was messy and we only did the bare minimum of cleaning. The house was acceptable to us and close family.
   2)The first six months is like boot camp. Neither you nor your husband are going to get much sleep. Just make a pact that nothing either of you says during this sleep deprived state counts. Once the baby is sleeping through the night then you will start getting back to normal.

 

[Lorelei12]

For us, realizing that eventually we’d get more time together was the key. The first couple of months were really hard. Every time we sat down to eat or talk or just cuddle and watch TV, the baby needed something. So I suppose there was a sort of “disconnect”- I am not sure that can really be avoided. Plus the exhaustion. The first few weeks, I sort of ran on adrenaline, but then after the first month was over I felt like it all caught up with me. So we sort of lived separate lives for awhile-at least it felt like that. I think we were both too tired to care all that much, plus we both knew it would get better, and it did.

Now (five months later) the baby is generally sleeping by 7:30-8, so most of the time we have an hour or two to ourselves in the evening. We also have some time when he is napping on the weekends. We could never really take him out to restaurants when he was smaller- he was very colicky and did not just sleep like many do, and never took a pacifier. So if we were out somewhere and he didn’t want to be there, he made sure we knew it. But if you can, that would be a great way to have some adult time right now.

So, I think just come to terms with the fact that you will have less time together for now, but that it will get better once you have more of a set routine.

 

[pensmama87]

We found we both really enjoyed cuddling together with baby. Since neither of our babies were keen on sleeping alone, we thought it would kill intimacy (since we cared about being tired more, especially at first), but then we figured out we could put baby on one side of the bed and we had the other, or after baby was asleep we could make use of other spaces.

Friends and family to help were great too - we had meals dropped off, and my in-laws helped us catch up on dishes and laundry. I remember you were moving - can you call your parish and ask about groups that might support new parents? And we did the bare minimum housework wise - pick up, laundry, cook and clean up, and wipe up the bathrooms when they started looking gross. The rest could wait. (That was an important lesson for me, the perfectionist!!!)

And if you’re in the northern hemisphere, it’s starting to warm up. Getting outdoors for walks is great. (I’m of the opinion that there is nothing sexier than a man wearing a baby in a carrier. It’s even better than when they are fixing stuff around the house or moving furniture! )

 

[E_7]

We found we both really enjoyed cuddling together with baby. Since neither of our babies were keen on sleeping alone, we thought it would kill intimacy (since we cared about being tired more, especially at first), but then we figured out we could put baby on one side of the bed and we had the other, or after baby was asleep we could make use of other spaces.

Friends and family to help were great too - we had meals dropped off, and my in-laws helped us catch up on dishes and laundry. I remember you were moving - can you call your parish and ask about groups that might support new parents? And we did the bare minimum housework wise - pick up, laundry, cook and clean up, and wipe up the bathrooms when they started looking gross. The rest could wait. (That was an important lesson for me, the perfectionist!!!)

And if you’re in the northern hemisphere, it’s starting to warm up. Getting outdoors for walks is great. (I’m of the opinion that there is nothing sexier than a man wearing a baby in a carrier. It’s even better than when they are fixing stuff around the house or moving furniture! )

Pensmama,

I enjoy reading your posts in my threads.

Our baby is like how you describe yours was. I cannot put him to sleep somewhere else that’s not our bed , because he will wake up and cry (because of this shock of the nervous system when baby is on his back). But how can you put the baby on one side of the bed without the fear of falling off the bed? I’m keeping mine in the middle of us with a nipple on his mouth acting as pacifier until he falls asleep after feeding, lol.

The only thing I know is that the parish has a daycare, so maybe I can send him there for a day with some milk supply and be with hubby, maybe once a month?

 

[E_7]

All depends on when baby sleeps, I see. How can you make him fall asleep without having the baby in your arms?

 

[pensmama87]

Pensmama,

I enjoy reading your posts in my threads.

Our baby is like how you describe yours was. I cannot put him to sleep somewhere else that’s not our bed , because he will wake up and cry (because of this shock of the nervous system when baby is on his back). But how can you put the baby on one side of the bed without the fear of falling off the bed? I’m keeping mine in the middle of us with a nipple on his mouth acting as pacifier until he falls asleep after feeding, lol.

The only thing I know is that the parish has a daycare, so maybe I can send him there for a day with some milk supply and be with hubby, maybe once a month?

I’m glad you find my replies helpful! I read your threads and I can remember the things I thought and worried about as a new mom, so I hope I can save you a bit of the anxiety I went through.

We use bed rails on our bed to prevent the fall issue (I never found it easy to nurse both sides while lying on one side, though I guess in theory it can be done!) We also had our bed shoved in a corner for a while and I slept on the side nearer the wall. If baby likes swaddling (my second did, my first haaaaaaaated it), then that might help with the startle reflex. I did a lot of lay down with baby, then slowly inch away. Lowering into a crib just seems to alert baby to all those falling instincts. I decided it wasn’t worth it - so into our bed baby went.

All depends on when baby sleeps, I see. How can you make him fall asleep without having the baby in your arms?

I would try nursing him down in bed with you - he’s still snuggled against you, but then you can inch away after he’s asleep. After baby slows down suckling (is completely stopping for 30 seconds or more), you can insert your finger into his mouth from the side and unlatch him. If he wakes up and protests, let him go again, but after a few times he should accept it and stay asleep. I would usually leave baby with a blanket or old shirt that I had slept with so it smelled like me, which would help baby stay asleep longer.

ETA: Also, not to give TMI, but honestly, you may only have time for “quickies” at first, and as a nursing mom you may have less natural lubrication than normal. A small container of coconut oil handy makes things go a lot, lot easier.

 

[Kelfa28]

For my husband and I…we just came to the realization that certain things would be put on the back burner for a little while. A few months here and there.

It’s more of a mutual understanding that we are both really busy trying to function as normal human beings.
The house is a mess. It was far easier to keep up when I only had one kiddo who wasn’t walking yet.
Then she became a toddler, then we had a second baby, then the second baby became a toddler and now we are about to have our third.
So…the dishes get done, the laundry gets done (folded and put away) and that is about it.
I’ve accepted this and moved on with my life. When the kids are in school…I’m sure things will change.

As for intimacy…well, babies do sleep eventually. It’s hardest trying to train a newborn to understand the difference between night and day and that…no…mommy isn’t up for playing with you at midnight. It was the most frustrating for us when our first was sleep trained and had been for months but our newborn kept us up late into the night.

By 6 months both of our kids are outstanding sleepers. They have a solid routine down and never fuss or wake up during the night.
No wonder we found time to make a third baby!

For me…nursing was the biggest problem and the biggest impediment for everything…sleeping, eating, doing anything productive, keeping my sanity.
It got to the point where the only reason why I did it was because it was good for the baby. Otherwise…I would have quit way earlier and/or not started in the first place.
I was either tethered to a pump or a baby…all day and night. I had no time to myself. I had no privacy. I barely had any sleep (it was not possible for me to sleep while my child nursed at night…frankly, I’m baffled as to how moms accomplish this) and it did nothing to keep my cycles away.
I gave it up both times at 6 months despite fighting a losing battle in my head that I had to nurse…it was what I was made to do.
And shockingly…my life suddenly went back to normal. I felt normal again.

Nothing against moms who nurse. God Bless you and don’t quit or not start just because I couldn’t do it.
But don’t judge me because I choose not to anymore.
My kids are well-fed, healthy, never sick and very happy…and they were both fed the dreaded formula from 6-12 months.
Kiddo three will be formula fed from birth…and that is perfectly all right with me!

 

[UbiCaritas]

Since kiddo is sleeping in your bed, I double the suggestion of bed rails.

Leaving aside anything else, sometime he will need to sleep without you–and if not he, then future babies will, because it’s not practical to nap every time a newborn naps if you have older kids (toddlers especially) in the house.

What helped us was to make a “date night” in advance, and then keep it. Kiddo would go to sleep around a certain time most evenings early on, and stay asleep for a couple of hours. I’d have already made up a bed in another room, or even on the floor of another room with blankets and so on, that afternoon sometime. I’d jump in the shower for five minutes so that I’d feel rather more like a human being and rather less like a dairy farm while DH would crack open a bottle of wine. That would give us time to talk over a glass of wine, do married-adult activities , and let me get a nap before DD would wake up and want her midnight snack. Weekend naptimes were also a great option, though those would be less feasible with an older kid too unless they both nap at the same time.

Honestly, getting DD onto a loose schedule helped us as much as anything. I was never super strict about it, but putting a bedtime routine in place at about the same time every night helped her sort out the rest of her schedule eventually, and that meant a lot more possible adult time. Things were less, er, frequent in the first few months, but that was due more to my overall exhaustion than to other factors.

 

[E_7]

I’m glad you find my replies helpful! I read your threads and I can remember the things I thought and worried about as a new mom, so I hope I can save you a bit of the anxiety I went through.

We use bed rails on our bed to prevent the fall issue (I never found it easy to nurse both sides while lying on one side, though I guess in theory it can be done!) We also had our bed shoved in a corner for a while and I slept on the side nearer the wall. If baby likes swaddling (my second did, my first haaaaaaaated it), then that might help with the startle reflex. I did a lot of lay down with baby, then slowly inch away. Lowering into a crib just seems to alert baby to all those falling instincts. I decided it wasn’t worth it - so into our bed baby went.

I would try nursing him down in bed with you - he’s still snuggled against you, but then you can inch away after he’s asleep. After baby slows down suckling (is completely stopping for 30 seconds or more), you can insert your finger into his mouth from the side and unlatch him. If he wakes up and protests, let him go again, but after a few times he should accept it and stay asleep. I would usually leave baby with a blanket or old shirt that I had slept with so it smelled like me, which would help baby stay asleep longer.

ETA: Also, not to give TMI, but honestly, you may only have time for “quickies” at first, and as a nursing mom you may have less natural lubrication than normal. A small container of coconut oil handy makes things go a lot, lot easier.

I’ve read about dryness postpartum in secular websites like webmd and babycenter. They recommend water-based lubricants. Water-based or oil-based, I don’t know what would be best, this is new for me. Hopefully, it won’t get awkward.

I’ll try the piece of clothing smelling like me and see how it works. My sister also did that and it worked.

 

[E_7]

So far, everyone gave great ideas. Thanks!

 

[UbiCaritas]

I’ve read about dryness postpartum in secular websites like webmd and babycenter. They recommend water-based lubricants. Water-based or oil-based, I don’t know what would be best, this is new for me. Hopefully, it won’t get awkward.

I’ll try the piece of clothing smelling like me and see how it works. My sister also did that and it worked.

They may recommend water-based lubes because oil-based aren’t compatible with condoms; the oil can cause the condom to break down, rendering it less effective. Probably not an issue in your case.

 

[pensmama87]

They may recommend water-based lubes because oil-based aren’t compatible with condoms; the oil can cause the condom to break down, rendering it less effective. Probably not an issue in your case.

Right. I also never liked water-based because they tended to make me itchy (I think because they usually had glycerin in them?) Kind of defeated the point, if you ask me. I like coconut oil (you can use olive oil, too, but it’s messier) because it is cheap and plentiful, and you can use it as lotion or as a diaper rash treatment (we used cloth diapers so couldn’t use normal diaper rash ointments).

Usually I buy a big ole tub and then spread it out for its various purposes around the house in smaller containers. Sometimes I even use it to cook with, as that’s what it’s marketed purpose is.

 

[OraLabora]

It’s been a while, so I can’t fully recall how we coped, but coped we must have: not only are we still married after 26 years, in the space of 5 years my wife had 4 pregnancies (one ended up a miscarriage, we have three sons aged 20, 22 and 25).

 

[QuasiCatholic]

Our baby is like how you describe yours was. I cannot put him to sleep somewhere else that’s not our bed , because he will wake up and cry (because of this shock of the nervous system when baby is on his back). But how can you put the baby on one side of the bed without the fear of falling off the bed? I’m keeping mine in the middle of us with a nipple on his mouth acting as pacifier until he falls asleep after feeding, lol.

It’s not really safe to let your baby sleep in the same bed with you. If you like to keep him close you might want to look into getting a co-sleeper that goes just to the side of the bed.

parents.com/advice/babies/sleep/is-it-safe-to-let-my-baby-sleep-in-my-bed/

 

[Kelfa28]

It’s not really safe to let your baby sleep in the same bed with you. If you like to keep him close you might want to look into getting a co-sleeper that goes just to the side of the bed.

parents.com/advice/babies/sleep/is-it-safe-to-let-my-baby-sleep-in-my-bed/

sigh

probably not a good idea to bring up a topic like this in a thread that isn’t asking whether co-sleeping is a good idea.

It will get hijacked and veer totally off-topic.

A lot of us here have co-slept successfully and it’s not wise to argue. There are plenty of counter-arguments that state co-sleeping is perfectly safe if done correctly.

 

[QuasiCatholic]

sigh

probably not a good idea to bring up a topic like this in a thread that isn’t asking whether co-sleeping is a good idea.

It will get hijacked and veer totally off-topic.

A lot of us here have co-slept successfully and it’s not wise to argue. There are plenty of counter-arguments that state co-sleeping is perfectly safe if done correctly.

A lot of people who smoke while they’re pregnant don’t necessarily have problems either, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. The American Academy of Pediatrics doesn’t just recommend against something on a whim, and I, for one, could never forgive myself if I went against that advice and something were to happen. I also think it’s a VERY good idea for anyone to bring up this topic whenever they hear a parent talking about keeping baby in bed, just as I would confront a pregnant woman about smoking or drinking.

 

[Kelfa28]

A lot of people who smoke while they’re pregnant don’t necessarily have problems either, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. The American Academy of Pediatrics doesn’t just recommend against something on a whim, and I, for one, could never forgive myself if I went against that advice and something were to happen. I also think it’s a VERY good idea for anyone to bring up this topic whenever they hear a parent talking about keeping baby in bed, just as I would confront a pregnant woman about smoking or drinking.

Once again…there are plenty of ways to co-sleep successfully and safely. There are no ways to drink or smoke successfully and safely during pregnancy or when you are nursing.

For a lot of moms…it helps to co-sleep because it gives them time to actually sleep if their baby can latch at night, on their own.

There is no single argument that states that co-sleeping is completely unsafe and not recommended.
There are reasons not to co-sleep but they can be safely mitigated down the line…including sleeping without covers and putting the mattress on the floor.

I did it with both of my kids and had no issues what-so-ever…but we don’t drink, smoke, take sleeping pills or any other medications, our bed is close to the floor and I kept the covers away and the baby slept in between us. We also have a king sized bed…so there was plenty of room for everyone.

The OP has stated that the baby is most comfortable sleeping with them. It works for her. It probably helps her and her husband to sleep better themselves.

Can we just let the co-sleeping argument go before this turns into a huge argument?