Newly divorced and considering annulment

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Steadfast_love

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Hi,

My marriage of 18 years ended in divorce, and my divorced wife has asked me to start the annulment process.

I’m not sure how decide.

My options seem to be, start the annulment now, or wait for my divorced wife to start the annulment “too late” which will wreak havoc on her second marriage ceremony, which is currently in the boyfriend stage.

Should I even care about a finding of nullity since I’m not interested in a second marriage? Is it less work or hassle to be the respondent?

Also I have kids who are disgruntled at the boyfriend. How would an annulment involve or affect them?
 
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Firstly I’d advise praying on it. But I’d say start the annulment as she asks, to keep things charitable. But then saying that you’ve not mentioned the grounds or what she is asking of you…so you’d have to go to prayer with that. If she has grounds for it then it seems to me it would be easier to give it to her than to be forced to give it (especially on the children).

Go and speak to your own parish priest as well and see what he says, he can help you with the specifics.

I am sorry for the divorce and the annulment and your great hurt and that of the children. Especially as she has another relationship, that is tough. Pray for her. God bless you.
 
Steadfast_love said:
My marriage of 18 years ended in divorce, and my divorced wife has asked me to start the annulment process.

I’m not sure how decide.

My options seem to be, start the annulment now, or wait for my divorced wife to start the annulment “too late” which will wreak havoc on her second marriage ceremony, which is currently in the boyfriend stage.

Should I even care about a finding of nullity since I’m not interested in a second marriage? Is it less work or hassle to be the respondent?

Also I have kids who are disgruntled at the boyfriend. How would an annulment involve or affect them? (Ages 14, 12, 10, 8, 6, and 4?)
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Nobody really ever has to pursue an annulment. An existing marriage always has the presumption of validity until and unless proven otherwise, which is what an annulment is.

It is really “on her” to pursue the annulment. Not clear why she’s asking you to. Once the process is started, it really doesn’t matter who the petitioner is, or who the respondent is.

But one thing I would caution you about — and I hope I don’t violate CAF norms by bringing this up — is that it is always possible that a malevolent spouse can induce the other spouse to be the petitioner, get the petitioner to put in writing all of the unflattering things about oneself that can come to the forefront in an annulment, and then write down nothing themselves. I have heard of this being done, and it is “dirty pool” if ever there were such a thing, but in the case I knew of, this is what happened. Incidentally, the annulment was granted.

I don’t mean to suggest that your spouse is malevolent, just telling you what can happen. Your spouse shouldn’t be dating or preparing for marriage without an annulment anyway, but people do this very thing, every day of the world. My "ex-"wife entered into an invalid marriage and never filed for an annulment. So far, I haven’t either. I really don’t need to. I’m pretty much a confirmed bachelor for life, and I enjoy my life very much. (There is far more to the story, things I cannot discuss publicly.)
 
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I’m very sorry for the break up of your marriage. That must be very difficult. I will pray for your family.
 
MasterHaster said:
Why do people who divorce automatically seek " annulment"
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Not all do; many, possibly most, in fact don’t. Some seek it to establish the facts in case (or because) they wish to marry someone else. There is no one size fits all or “automatic” here.
 
Steadfast_love said:
My options seem to be, start the annulment now, or wait for my divorced wife to start the annulment “too late” which will wreak havoc on her second marriage ceremony, which is currently in the boyfriend stage.
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You are under no obligation to petition for a decree of nullity. First, you would have to believe you have grounds, that your marriage is invalid. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. Even if you do, there is no obligation to petition for nullity.

What she does or doesn’t do isn’t your concern. If she petitions, then participate. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t.

If she thinks she has grounds then SHE should petition.
Steadfast_love said:
Should I even care about a finding of nullity since I’m not interested in a second marriage?
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No, you need not.
Steadfast_love said:
Is it less work or hassle to be the respondent?
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IDK, but if you don’t think your marriage is invalid it would be dishonest to be the petitioner.
Steadfast_love said:
Also I have kids who are disgruntled at the boyfriend. How would an annulment involve or affect them? (Ages 14, 12, 10, 8, 6, and 4?)
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Your children would not be involved or affected directly. Of course they are affected by the breakup of the marriage and introduction of the boyfriend, but that is not directly the nullity process. I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your family.
 
Steadfast_love said:
My marriage of 18 years ended in divorce, and my divorced wife has asked me to start the annulment process.
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First, I am sorry for your situation.

Second, my first reaction to something like that would likely be along the lines of “If you want it, you file. I don’t want it right now so I will not.” But then again I am not very nice to people who hurt or offend me. Something that I should probably work on.
 
MasterHaster said:
Why do people who divorce automatically seek " annulment" as if every marriage ending in divorce was somehow not valid in the first place?
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Not all do.

If you believe it was invalid it is best to pursue a decree sooner than later because witnesses die, memories fade, evidence is difficult to gather many years down the line.

And if you believe it’s invalid and it’s not, better to know up front and then you are not tempted to pursue dating.
 
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Many newly-divorced people say they’ll never marry again and, then several years later, they meet someone and want to get married only to find out they have to be granted a decree of nullify before they can be married in the Church. They get frustrated because it can take time and they leave the Church. Go ahead and apply; forget trying to wreck your wife’s plans. At least then you will know if YOU will be able to pursue another relationship. It is better to know now than after you meet someone.

If you’re asking if an annulment affects your children’s legitimacy, the answer is no.
 
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Because it is the only way you will know if it was invalid or not.
 
Angel_Bradford said:
Go ahead and apply; forget the animosity of trying to wreck your wife’s plans.
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Declining to apply does not mean a desire to “wreck” anything, simply a desire not to initiate the process. There can be many reasons for that which have nothing at all to do with the plans of others. My position is that the one who desires the decree should be the one to apply for it.

ETA: Something in the original post that I intended to ask about also: Why would it be “too late” if she were to file? Surely she is capable of submitting a request as easily and quickly as you are.
 
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If you don’t mind me asking, why did she ask you to start it instead of her just doing it herself?
 
What’s the downside of submitting? If the tribunal comes back with a decree of nullity, then you know the marriage was never valid. Wouldn’t you want to know?
 
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Lifeisbeautiful3 said:
What’s the downside of submitting?
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Well to start with, the petitioner has to establish grounds and file the petition under those grounds.

It would be immoral to do so if you do not believe you actually have grounds or believe that your marriage is invalid.

If he doesn’t believe his marriage is invalid, then he should not initiate a petition. If the wife petitions, then he can respond. He can defend the bond or he could end up concurring after seeing the grounds and evidence, particularly if it comes out that SHE has a defect of consent or impediment unknown to him.
 
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My divorced wife and I are quite unpredictable. Nothing is certain.
 
The OP is the one the one who posted:

“My options seem to be, start the annulment now, or wait for my divorced wife to start the annulment “too late” which will wreak havoc on her second marriage ceremony, which is currently in the boyfriend stage.“

There is where I got my assumption.
 
Many people have no idea how many things will invalidate a marriage. As long as he is truthful in his petition, I don’t see anything immoral.
 
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