Newly Engaged and Confused

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tigers12

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Hi I just had a quick question on marriage in the catholic church. I currently go to a church where I am not technically registered and because I have not been giving money they have no record of me attending. I just got engaged and I would like to have a catholic wedding. Since I have no family in the town im currently living in my only other option on a church to get married in is my parents church. I really don’t like that particular church and I was wondering if I could choose a different church. When I called a church that my aunt lives near the receptionist told me that I could not get married there because im not registered. I am just really confused on what to do so that I can have a catholic wedding but in a church that I’m happy with that is close to my family. If a church will not preform my wedding because Im not technically registered I will have to get married in a courthouse or another location which isn’t ideal. I am a little frustrated since I have been catholic my whole life. It doesn’t make sense to me why cant receive a sacrament in any catholic church.
 
A few points:
  1. Register in your desired parish.
  2. Start sending in envelopes with your name on them, even if you aren’t donating (this demonstrates attendance).
  3. Sign up for marriage prep in your desired parish and set a date for the wedding.
I think if you do all of those things, you will be fine. Remember, there’s generally 6 months of waiting required before you can get married in a US parish (in fact, it almost always says to call 6 months in advance on the weekly bulletins), so this should not create any unusual delay.

When my husband and I got married, we had been going to church at two different parishes near our place of work and study, but we decided to get married in our geographical parish, where I’m not sure we had ever even previously darkened the door. We called up the office and did marriage prep with the pastor and within six months, we had our wedding. Now, you might have a little more trouble with a popular church that is mobbed with stained-glass-crazed brides, but if you start now, you will do just fine.

Also, bear in mind that a justice of the peace wedding would put you in a very bad place canonically. Don’t do that.

One more thing–I recommend doing a more gradual marriage prep, rather than a one-off engagement weekend thing. It’s helpful to meet and talk, meet and talk, meet and talk over the course of a few months rather than just doing a single mind-numbing weekend. Marriage prep can be a really amazing, enriching experience, rather than just a box-checking exercise.
 
tigers12 said:
I was told I can’t register without attending the church for 6 months and I don’t live in town.
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I think you are conflating two different things. no Catholic church, whether you have been a member for 6 months or not, will marry you unless your participate in 6 months of pre marriage counseling.
 
I’m pretty sure that the way it works is that you are supposed to be married in your parish or that of your future spouse. Whether you are registered there or not, your parish is based on where you live, so you should find out which parish that is and check with them first. However, you can get permission to marry outside of your parish but it requires some paperwork and finding another parish and priest who will agree to it.

I had a similar issue- I was living out of state from where I grew up and wanted to get married, and all I had to do was contact the priest of the parish I wanted to marry in and we met with him and because we were married during the off-season, he was kind enough to allow us to marry there.

It sounds like, though, you’re not happy with several of the options you have. On one hand I understand that, but on the other, make sure that you are not fixating too much on matters that aren’t so important. The important thing is that you are getting married. You do not “have” to get married in a courthouse- you can either marry in the parish you belong to based on location, your future spouse’s parish, or can get permission to marry in your parents’ parish, or even elsewhere if you can find a priest willing to give up his time for you. Congratulations on your engagement!
 
tigers12 said:

“I was told I can’t register without attending the church for 6 months and I don’t live in town.”

I think you probably had a miscommunication.

You can register right now. It’s the wedding that might require 6 months of demonstrated attendance and marriage prep.

(There is occasionally some stickiness regarding geographical parishes, but it doesn’t sound like your parish concerns that a problem.)

Here is an example of a parish that has online registration, as well as in-person registration.

holyspiritvb.org/contact-us/how-to-register/

Registration is not a big deal.
 
estesbob said:
I think you are conflating two different things. no Catholic church, whether you have been a member for 6 months or not, will marry you unless your participate in 6 months of pre marriage counseling.
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Well in the past six weeks I have started giving money to my geographical located church. I have not told the priest that I have become engaged yet but I do know I need to take the classes. I only plan on staying in the town I am currently living at for another year because I got a job offer across the country ( 2000 miles away from any relative). I would like to get married in the same city that a large number of my family lives so they don’t have to travel for the wedding. On another note my SO is not catholic so he does not have a church that he belongs to either.
 
All of your replies have been so helpful! I just hope that after I become registered in my current church and take the classes I will be approved to get married at a different parish. I don’t know how hard this will be but I hope that they will be understanding and let us marry out of town. I would be really sad if I couldn’t get married out of town because getting married in my current town is out of the question right now because no one is willing to travel to us. Hopefully the priest will be understanding and approve our paperwork. I think I am going to try to sign up for marriage classes in March when my schedule clears up a little bit and I am not having to travel as often for work.
 
My parish is in a picturesque Mountain town. We have lots of requests for “destination” weddings. we charge a stiff fee for non-members but we do allow non-parishioners to marry in our church as long as they have completed the 6 month of classes. i have no doub you can find a parish is the town you want to be married in but it will take some checking
 
tigers12 said:

“I just hope that after I become registered in my current church and take the classes I will be approved to get married at a different parish.”

Wherever you want to get married, you need to talk to your desired wedding location right now and see what you need to do. Churches normally expect 6 months lead time for weddings. Consider, also, that if you are choosing a popular time of year, there simply may not be availability, there being only so many Saturdays in June.

“I don’t know how hard this will be but I hope that they will be understanding and let us marry out of town. I would be really sad if I couldn’t get married out of town because getting married in my current town is out of the question right now because no one is willing to travel to us.”

???

Literally no one in your family is willing to bother to go to your wedding if you marry in your current area? Really?

Bear in mind that you are legally and canonically married, even if your Aunt Gladys can’t make it. One of your options is to have a small church wedding in your current parish for whoever can make it, and then to have a big blow-out reception in your home town. You will find that option in a lot of etiquette books.

My husband and I got married in the town where we were living due to various family complications. I had been planning to get married in my home town, but we eventually decided to just have the simplest possible ceremony at our geographical parish. I had had various movie weddings with flowers and bridesmaids and huge wedding cake dancing through my head, but it was fine. Even a fairly simple Catholic church is pretty fancy, even when not decorated.
 
Word of warning – check with the parish church you want to be married in NOW. The one I belong to requires a YEAR’s notice for you to get the date you want. If the church you’re planning to attend is a popular one (i.e. a “destination”) they may need more than six month’s notice.
 
You cant get married at any other Catholic parish until youve talked to the present Priest of your parish. When he gives the okay to marry elsewhere, then youd register at another parish and hopefully marry. But it wont happen until you communicate with your priest first and then he will guide you on what steps to take. Best wishes!
 
tigers12 said:
On another note my SO is not catholic so he does not have a church that he belongs to either.
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Is he a baptized Christian? Is he Jewish, Muslim? There may be other things to take care of then.
 
A lot of your confusion might be cleared up if you contact your diocese and find out what rules your bishop has for where marriages ought to be celebrated and how flexible his pastors ought to be about allowing people outside the physical boundaries of their parish to be married there. Some bishops even have published marriage policies that would answer many of your questions.

The Archdiocese of Portland in Oregon, for instance, has a written policy that covers both Church law and our archbishop’s policies: archdpdx.org/liturgy/documents/marriagePolicy.pdf
 
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