Newly Engaged--Questions about Retreat, Wedding, Marriage Process Etc

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Hi I’m new to this forum, I hope I’m using this correctly and this is the right area to post this.

So I’m newly engaged (as of just a few months ago) and also a relatively new Catholic (just coming up on one year). Nobody in my family is Catholic, and my fiance’s parents got married so long ago in a different diocese, so I’m kind of relying on google to figure things out.

We were hoping to get married at my fiance’s family’s parish, as that is the one we normally go to, but since they only moved there within the past year, we don’t have any relationship with the priest.

I just called up the parish today and they told me that before we talk to the priest, my fiance and I have to go on the Engaged Encounter Weekend Retreat. The retreat is not for 4 more months. Which leads me to…

Question One:
Does that mean we have to wait 4 months before we can talk to a priest and set a date?

I totally understand that it’s an important part of marriage prep and I’m not trying to find a loophole–just trying to make sure I’m understanding this correctly. My initial understanding (from googling my diocese’s rules) was that we would meet with a priest first, then do marriage prep. In my head I was hoping to set a date this month, get married next fall, and do marriage prep in between. But if this is the case, that we have to go on the retreat before we meet with a priest-- we won’t be able to set a date until spring and at that point then our wedding would probably have to take next year, right?

Question Two:
Can anyone let me know what happens on this Engaged Encounter Retreat?

My fiance and I went on a retreat last year with our college and had a really negative experience. Like I was mentally prepared to have a quiet retreat and grow closer to God but it was the total opposite. Instead the bulk of it consisted of playing a bunch of ice breaker games that felt really invasive of my personal space. We were put on the spot to speak and I’m terribly shy. I have horrendous social anxiety and the thought of going on another retreat like this makes me extremely nervous, on the verge of tears just to think about…Especially since, while looking up the retreat it says things along the lines of “prepare to discuss topics such as sex, money, strengths and weaknesses, etc.” I am fine discussing these with my fiance privately but I wouldn’t be comfortable talking about with others.

From those of you who have actually been on this retreat could you tell me more about it? Are there ice breaker activities? If I will end up having to discuss these personal subjects with anyone besides my fiance I would at least like to know so I can mentally prepare myself beforehand.

Thank you so much
 
carrotjuice10 said:
Hi I’m new to this forum, I hope I’m using this correctly and this is the right area to post this.

So I’m newly engaged (as of just a few months ago) and also a relatively new Catholic (just coming up on one year). Nobody in my family is Catholic, and my fiance’s parents got married so long ago in a different diocese, so I’m kind of relying on google to figure things out.

We were hoping to get married at my fiance’s family’s parish, as that is the one we normally go to, but since they only moved there within the past year, we don’t have any relationship with the priest.

I just called up the parish today and they told me that before we talk to the priest, my fiance and I have to go on the Engaged Encounter Weekend Retreat. The retreat is not for 4 more months. Which leads me to…

Question One:
Does that mean we have to wait 4 months before we can talk to a priest and set a date?

I totally understand that it’s an important part of marriage prep and I’m not trying to find a loophole–just trying to make sure I’m understanding this correctly. My initial understanding (from googling my diocese’s rules) was that we would meet with a priest first, then do marriage prep. In my head I was hoping to set a date this month, get married next fall, and do marriage prep in between. But if this is the case, that we have to go on the retreat before we meet with a priest-- we won’t be able to set a date until spring and at that point then our wedding would probably have to take next year, right?

Question Two:
Can anyone let me know what happens on this Engaged Encounter Retreat?

My fiance and I went on a retreat last year with our college and had a really negative experience. Like I was mentally prepared to have a quiet retreat and grow closer to God but it was the total opposite. Instead the bulk of it consisted of playing a bunch of ice breaker games that felt really invasive of my personal space. We were put on the spot to speak and I’m terribly shy. I have horrendous social anxiety and the thought of going on another retreat like this makes me extremely nervous, on the verge of tears just to think about…Especially since, while looking up the retreat it says things along the lines of “prepare to discuss topics such as sex, money, strengths and weaknesses, etc.” I am fine discussing these with my fiance privately but I wouldn’t be comfortable talking about with others.

From those of you who have actually been on this retreat could you tell me more about it? Are there ice breaker activities? If I will end up having to discuss these personal subjects with anyone besides my fiance I would at least like to know so I can mentally prepare myself beforehand.

Thank you so much
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I have heard bad things about engagement weekends (although I’m not sure what specific program it was). Not that it was invasive–but that it was overwhelming to do the stuff ALL weekend. I have a strong personal preference for a format where you meet, talk, meet, talk, etc. over a number of weeks because I think the information soaks in a lot better.

Is there a contact person you can ask for more information about the format of the engagement weekend?

I’d also check back with the parish–they may be unaware that the next engagement weekend is four months from now. Be nice, but be firm and make sure they understand your concerns. I expect what you got was just a rote answer and the person didn’t realize what the schedule was.

If you’re not making any progress with getting more information, take the pastor out to lunch.

For your own personal development, I suggest reading the following books:

The Five Love Languages

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Boundaries in Marriage

and (this is not a marriage book) Don’t Shoot the Dog

These aren’t specifically Catholic books, but I think you’ll find that they will harmonize well with your specifically Catholic marriage reading.

Best wishes!
 
Thank you so much! That is all terrific advice. Thanks for the book suggestions as well, I have been wanting to check out “Five Love Languages” for some time and I will look up the others as well. I really appreciate it!
 
carrotjuice10 said:
Thank you so much! That is all terrific advice. Thanks for the book suggestions as well, I have been wanting to check out “Five Love Languages” for some time and I will look up the others as well. I really appreciate it!
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The Five Love Languages really is that good. 👍
 
Is the retreat mandatory?
I would just talk to the pastor of the church where you want to get married.
Our pastor prefers to do everything himself.
Good luck!
 
My husband and I did one of the engaged encounter sessions that was only one day (this was in addition to a couple of meetings with the priest as well as with a sponsor couple from the parish). I didn’t find it particularly helpful, but it also was not really invasive. The only thing that was awkward was having to learn a particular dance with him as part of a group activity (he had never really had any sort of formal dance experience before so it was just kind of weird and uncomfortable for him). I thought that it was mostly just pointless.

Is there any way you can ask whether your parish would accept one of these day-programs instead of a weekend-long event? If you do have to do the retreat, I don’t imagine that you will have to discuss personal topics with anyone but your fiance. In our session, anything personal was discussed privately, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

I would call the office again, and explain to them when you were hoping to be married, and ask whether they are able to offer any alternatives to the requirement. Also, if your home parish is different than your fiance’s, you might consider getting married there instead.
 
Congratulations on your engagement!

OP, I think you should make an appointment with your pastor. When they ask what it is about in the office, tell them it is personal. Then bring your boyfriend and ask your priest any questions you want answered. Some parishes have specific things you need to do, and it varies. Some parishes require 6 months notice. Some engaged encounter won’t let you attend without a date for the wedding. I have never heard of having to attend engaged encounter before talking to your priest… Ask your priest about how your parish works.

My husband and I attended the engaged encounter weekend. Not invasive at all where we went. Short talks by a long married couple, a not so long married couple and a priest. Then, a topic is discussed by them, questions given out on papers and you write the answers in a notebook separately. The couple reads each other’s answers, talks to each other, not to the group, about what was written. Repeat numerous times all weekend. The end.
 
We did Focus. Big questionnaire re compatibility on various issues. Then the priest went from there. No biggie.
 
carrotjuice10 said:
Hi I’m new to this forum, I hope I’m using this correctly and this is the right area to post this.

So I’m newly engaged (as of just a few months ago) and also a relatively new Catholic (just coming up on one year). Nobody in my family is Catholic, and my fiance’s parents got married so long ago in a different diocese, so I’m kind of relying on google to figure things out.

We were hoping to get married at my fiance’s family’s parish, as that is the one we normally go to, but since they only moved there within the past year, we don’t have any relationship with the priest.

I just called up the parish today and they told me that before we talk to the priest, my fiance and I have to go on the Engaged Encounter Weekend Retreat. The retreat is not for 4 more months. Which leads me to…

Question One:
Does that mean we have to wait 4 months before we can talk to a priest and set a date?

I totally understand that it’s an important part of marriage prep and I’m not trying to find a loophole–just trying to make sure I’m understanding this correctly. My initial understanding (from googling my diocese’s rules) was that we would meet with a priest first, then do marriage prep. In my head I was hoping to set a date this month, get married next fall, and do marriage prep in between. But if this is the case, that we have to go on the retreat before we meet with a priest-- we won’t be able to set a date until spring and at that point then our wedding would probably have to take next year, right?
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That is very odd. Typically you meet with the priest or deacon to get the process rolling. I would agree with the previous poster that said to just request a meeting with the priest without stating it is for pre-marriage.
carrotjuice10 said:
Question Two:
Can anyone let me know what happens on this Engaged Encounter Retreat?

My fiance and I went on a retreat last year with our college and had a really negative experience. Like I was mentally prepared to have a quiet retreat and grow closer to God but it was the total opposite. Instead the bulk of it consisted of playing a bunch of ice breaker games that felt really invasive of my personal space. We were put on the spot to speak and I’m terribly shy. I have horrendous social anxiety and the thought of going on another retreat like this makes me extremely nervous, on the verge of tears just to think about…Especially since, while looking up the retreat it says things along the lines of “prepare to discuss topics such as sex, money, strengths and weaknesses, etc.” I am fine discussing these with my fiance privately but I wouldn’t be comfortable talking about with others.

From those of you who have actually been on this retreat could you tell me more about it? Are there ice breaker activities? If I will end up having to discuss these personal subjects with anyone besides my fiance I would at least like to know so I can mentally prepare myself beforehand.

Thank you so much
Click to expand...
Ours wasn’t called “engaged encounter” but was pretty low key. It was two all-day sessions with presentations by married couples, NFP practitioners, and a priest. We had to do it as part of our convalidation and we had actually been married for longer than a couple of the presenting couples! Basically, you listened to the speakers and then were given time to discuss things with your partner during breaks. There was absolutely no requirement to talk to anyone other than the person you came with! All of our information is on our archdiocesan website including a brochure that outlines what to expect. Perhaps you could check your diocesan/archdiocesan website and see if they have the information?

Ours was a positive experience and I hope you have the same!
 
They called marriage prep Pre-Cana when we got married. I guess u could call it a retreat as it was 2 Saturdays in a row all day.

Ou experience was not like a college or high school retreat at all.

I agree that u should contact the pastor and see if he knows the next encounter is 4 months away. Perhaps there is a neighboring parish that has one sooner that u can go to. We had it in a different parish as it was scheduled there.
 
carrotjuice10 said:
Hi I’m new to this forum, I hope I’m using this correctly and this is the right area to post this.

So I’m newly engaged (as of just a few months ago) and also a relatively new Catholic (just coming up on one year). Nobody in my family is Catholic, and my fiance’s parents got married so long ago in a different diocese, so I’m kind of relying on google to figure things out.

We were hoping to get married at my fiance’s family’s parish, as that is the one we normally go to, but since they only moved there within the past year, we don’t have any relationship with the priest.

I just called up the parish today and they told me that before we talk to the priest, my fiance and I have to go on the Engaged Encounter Weekend Retreat. The retreat is not for 4 more months. Which leads me to…

Question One:
Does that mean we have to wait 4 months before we can talk to a priest and set a date?

I totally understand that it’s an important part of marriage prep and I’m not trying to find a loophole–just trying to make sure I’m understanding this correctly. My initial understanding (from googling my diocese’s rules) was that we would meet with a priest first, then do marriage prep. In my head I was hoping to set a date this month, get married next fall, and do marriage prep in between. But if this is the case, that we have to go on the retreat before we meet with a priest-- we won’t be able to set a date until spring and at that point then our wedding would probably have to take next year, right?

Question Two:
Can anyone let me know what happens on this Engaged Encounter Retreat?

My fiance and I went on a retreat last year with our college and had a really negative experience. Like I was mentally prepared to have a quiet retreat and grow closer to God but it was the total opposite. Instead the bulk of it consisted of playing a bunch of ice breaker games that felt really invasive of my personal space. We were put on the spot to speak and I’m terribly shy. I have horrendous social anxiety and the thought of going on another retreat like this makes me extremely nervous, on the verge of tears just to think about…Especially since, while looking up the retreat it says things along the lines of “prepare to discuss topics such as sex, money, strengths and weaknesses, etc.” I am fine discussing these with my fiance privately but I wouldn’t be comfortable talking about with others.

From those of you who have actually been on this retreat could you tell me more about it? Are there ice breaker activities? If I will end up having to discuss these personal subjects with anyone besides my fiance I would at least like to know so I can mentally prepare myself beforehand.

Thank you so much
Click to expand...
In don’t know the answer to your second question. But I would agree with Xantippe. If you can do marriage prep over a number of weeks that is best IMO.

In answer to the first question, the parish should allow you to set a date and then you can go off and do marriage prep. That’s what my wife and I did. If you have no relationship with the priest then you can always ask a priest you know to do the wedding.
 
They first have to do a pre-nuptial investigation to make sure there is freedom to marry and no issues with sacraments before putting a date down in ink.
 
Morning,

First off congrtz on the engagement. As for the retreat – my wife and I went through it just over 2 years ago. One weekend all day, with lots of breaks 🙂 But the main thing of the retreat is to bring up subjects that you and your future spouse man not have talked about.

We were each given a notebook, and in the encounter there would be an hour or so discussion from the speakers. Then a question or two would be asked, you each write your responses in your notebooks – then you and your partner would each go off and compare what you each wrote. And discuss what you each wrote.

Have a blessed life with your new spouse.

Winter
 
agapewolf said:
They first have to do a pre-nuptial investigation to make sure there is freedom to marry and no issues with sacraments before putting a date down in ink.
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That is done within six months of the wedding date as all the required documents need to be dated within six months of the wedding.
 
AdamPeter said:
That is done within six months of the wedding date as all the required documents need to be dated within six months of the wedding.
Click to expand...
Part of the pre-nuptial investigation can be started. The questions that the priest/deacon asks privately with each person… the baptismal certificates have to be within 6 months (which are proof).

I personally believe in “pre-engagement” preparation. Before getting engaged, my husband and I took the focus, and since I teach marriage prep coordinators the program for our diocese, I had the videos so we did those together while dating.

We had all our marriage prep done by the time we got “officially” engaged, which was 6 months before the wedding. Met with the bishop who married us to do the pre-nup investigation and once more go through the focus answers (which we had already done with another priest during discernment). Just planned the liturgy with him then.
 
Congratulations on your engagement.

Don’t be put off by the parish office personnel. You have a legitimate need to speak with your pastor.

As far as marriage preparation, the quality can vary tremendously from parish to parish or between dioceses. My wife and I got married recently, and I would recommend the book “Three to Get Married” by Fulton Sheen and the movie “The Jeweler’s Shop” by Pope John Paul II. The book will almost certainly a more theological understanding of marriage than whatever marriage preparation class you have to take.
 
AdamPeter said:
That is done within six months of the wedding date as all the required documents need to be dated within six months of the wedding.
Click to expand...
I worked in the parish office and that six months was always understood to be “within six months of the day you hand them to the priest”. Many parishes require you to meet with the priest at least 9-12 months before your proposed date.
 
Phemie said:
I worked in the parish office and that six months was always understood to be “within six months of the day you hand them to the priest”. Many parishes require you to meet with the priest at least 9-12 months before your proposed date.
Click to expand...
In Ireland you must notify the priest 6 months before the date of the wedding. Then you can set a date to book the church. Often though the priest doesn’t do the pre-nuptial inquiry til a month or so before the wedding. Also you don’t have to have your marriage prep done to set the date. My wife and I got engaged in April 2015. We set a date and booked the church in July. The priest only asked us to bring our pre-marriage cert to the pre-nuptial inquiry along with the other documentation.
 
We had no marriage prep before booking the church. We had to meet with the priest first in order to reserve the date. We scheduled our appointment 17 months before the wedding date and our date was already taken. This was in a small town of about 3,000 people. I would want to book a church sooner than later.
 
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