Newly Married and Dealing with my mother

[Lorik]

You are a very kind hearted person. Obviously your mother raised you well. That being said, this is too much for you and your wife to be expected to take on.
Does your mom really need to retire already? My mom’s a couple of years younger than yours and I can’t imagine her wanting to retire so soon. I think she’d be bored out of her mind. However, my mom is in good health and perhaps your mother has some health concerns.
Maybe if your mom could try to see things from your wife’s point of view she’d change her ways a bit. Remind her of what it was like when she had a new m-i-l. How would she feel if it was her m-i-l treating her like this?
It sounds like your mother loves you very much. She’s just grown too dependant on you. Probably w/o even knowing it. She loves you, she wants the best for you. She also sounds very jealous of your wife. You need to make her understand that your wife is what’s best for you.
Your wife sounds very patient but if her patience is taken advantage of she’ll be miserable.
Your very wise to nip this in the bud now. If things remain like this, it won’t be pretty once babies start to arrive.
Your family has been through a lot and will get through this, too. But your the one who is going to have to make your mom understand how difficult things have been for your wife and as a result you, too. Your mom needs to understand also that if she forces you to choose between her and your wife, you have to choose your wife.
God bless you, I’ll pray for you all.

 

[Siena]

Question:

Will your moms relationship to your wife just get worse when she retires, and is home all the time? At that point, all she’ll have to occupy her time will be those in the home.

Please make sure this is settled now, or it will likely get much worse at the least when grandkids arrive. If MIL wants them raised “her” way, or tries to develop an unhealthy attachment to them…

 

[KittyKat]

Your wife must really love you, I wouldn’t have gotten married if I knew I had to live with someone who hated me. You will be setting yourself up for a lot of problems if you don’t.

AND if you move out there is no reason for her to try to work it out. She just got a new house for free. Put her in a small apartment in an okay area and if she can’t grow up then she can stay there, but don’t give her a whole bunch of extras, if she wants them she can work for them. You moving out will be more scrificing on your wife and make your mother feel more like it is her house so she can make the rules. Eventually your wife may have enough of this and then she will be in the apartment so you can stay with your mother.

I am not trying to sound mean I just know how I would feel.

 

[stadre]

I just keep thinking about this retirement at 63. If your mother is ready to retire, then that means she should be ready to take care of her expenses for the rest of her life. If she is not prepared for this, then she is not ready for retirement. Unfortunately, many people think they are entitled to years of retirement and that is simply not the case. It comes only when it has been prepared for. (I don’t mean to offend if this is not the case for your mother.)

I understand that she sacrificed to put you through school. That is wonderful, but it is also a gift. She did put some stipulations to which you agreed–your sisters. Since there a huge differences in the two sisters, your “taking care” of them will also be different. It sounds like your younger sister is capable of taking care of herself. Just as you will with your own children, you need to take care of her by letting her grow up. Maybe she needs a place to stay during college vacations. Maybe she needs help planning a budget for herself. Maybe she just needs an ear to listen.

Your other sister is another story but it sounds like she isn’t part of this problem. You do have a different responsiblity to her. Your wife knows this and not only is ready to do her part but even loves your sister. What a blessing she is!

I agree with many others here. I think your mother needs to move out. I don’t think it is a case of her shaping up. Do you really think she could? It is possible for her to do so, retire and then turn into a real torment to your wife. It is better that she has a clear picture of her retirement lifestyle before she actually does retire. Otherwise, it will be even harder for you to stand your ground.