Newly married - husband won’t have sex

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Follower90

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When I was in my early 20s I unfortunately strayed away from the church. After giving birth to my first son, I came back and my faith was reignited. When my son was 4 years old, I met a guy in my local church. I’d longed for a good catholic man (found out later that he’s not that as good catholic as he could be but he is a good man) and was so excited! We started dating and I fell for him so quickly, some might say we did things too quickly. I told him I was no sex before marriage but temptation got the better of us and, I ended up pregnant after 4 months. We then decided to get married (while I was 3 months pregnant) and have been married for almost a year now. We are very blessed and now have a beautiful boy together. Everything is great apart from one thing hurting me. Please tell me if I am being silly and need to get a grip. My problem is that we have a sexless marriage. Our sex life was great before marriage but 2 or 3 months into pregnancy it slowed down. He said it was because he was scared of hurting the baby and that we would resume again once I’d given birth. I have now given birth almost 4 months ago and we have done it maybe 3 times at most. I thought it was because I needed to be thinner so I got back to my prepregnancy weight and still nothing. I told him how I feel last week. He said that sex does not mean love to him and that he doesn’t need to have sex with me to show me he loves me. He is affectionate otherwise with compliments and hugs but I want that deeper connection. I need it to feel loved. Please tell me if I need to chill out. I feel like it’s all backward. We did it when we weren’t supposed to and now that we are allowed, nothing. I keep thinking it’s my fault. He also said that he got it out of his system when he was 15 (a horny little teenager as he puts it) and is sorry that he has a low sex drive now and should have told me. I told him “yes, you should have told me”. Sometimes I feel a bit tricked as he didn’t have a problem having regular sex before. It hurts to know that he’s had more sex with a previous girlfriend even though it was 15 years ago for him. Another thing he pointed out is that relationships go through ‘phases’ and this is normal but we are both only 29 and haven’t even been together for 2 years yet! Is it asking too much for once a week or even fortnight? Another excuse was blaming his weed/cigarette smoking and saying it lowers his blood flow and sex drive. Don’t get me wrong, he is a good man, goes to church, prays before bed, earns our bread, makes time for me and has accepted my first son, I love him but at the same time I am really hurting. Annulment has gone through my head as it is effecting my self-esteem which is already very low but then catholic teaching says you should suffer and stand by the right thing? Would really appreciate any views on this.
 
I am sorry this is happening and you should seek counseling, together if he will, by yourself if he will not.
Try and work it out.
Please don’t go the annulment route because the tribunal looks for what occurred before your marriage and not the present state.
Also don’t buy the excuses of weed and cigs. If it was important to him, he would not use them.
Please let us know how you are doings and hugs
 
The weed and cigarettes won’t be helping, that’s for sure. I’d suggest he gets a medical check to see if there’s any other problems affecting his drive. I’d also wonder if he may be feeling particularly stressed at the moment, what with coronavirus, and a new baby.

I agree with dolllysro, counseling is needed here. If you talk to your Priest he may be able to recommend a Catholic counselor for you.
 
Follower90 said:
We then decided to get married (while I was 3 months pregnant) and have been married for almost a year now.
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I’m just curious…were you married in the Catholic Church? How long was your engagement? Did you do pre-Cana with the priest who married you?
 
Hi there, yes. We were married in the Catholic Church in about a month from agreeing to marry. We had preparation with the priest although it was only one session.
 
Follower90 said:
he is a good man
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He’s a “good man” who has a marijuana problem? No. Not a good man.
Follower90 said:
Annulment has gone through my head
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Did you marry in the Church?

Usually, the church does not wed a pregnant couple, certainly not as fast as it seems you two were married.

Regarding a decree of nullity, I’m not exactly sure what grounds you would be seeking?
Follower90 said:
but then catholic teaching says you should suffer and stand by the right thing?
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Uh, no. the Church does not teach you have to “suffer” in a marriage if it is not valid.
 
Follower90 said:
Hi there, yes. We were married in the Catholic Church in about a month from agreeing to marry. We had preparation with the priest although it was only one session.
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Sounds a little strange that the priest agreed to marry you…though I do know a couple who married in the Church less than a month before their first child was born and a few days after getting engaged. The groom had just come back from serving in Iraq for nine months (she found out she was pregnant soon after he deployed), he proposed to her when he returned, and they were married five days later. Something tells me they would have gotten married regardless of the pregnancy, though.
 
Yes, most priests have you wait for the baby to be born, as in many annulment cases, it has been seen as an impediment to consent.

Mind you, I’m not trying to push you, OP, either way…
 
Stop the weed, and get a check up including getting his testosterone tested. The levels for most men upon getting tested are not what they should be.

You may want to read another thread that is currently on CAF with pretty much a similar story as yours.
 
Sorry, I forgot to mention that the priest did not ask whether I was pregnant and did not know. I was too embarrassed to admit it. I have been to confession.
 
I don’t think he will ever stop smoking weed. Every single friend of his smokes it and he has done it since he was a teenager. He stopped for a while when we started dating and when we went on holiday abroad for 2 weeks and things were good then but unfortunately I think it will always be a part of his life.
 
1ke said:
He’s a “good man” who has a marijuana problem? No. Not a good man.
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I don’t really get what you’re saying. People can struggle with a problem and still be good people. Your statement is judgemental and extremely uncharitable.
 
Salibi said:
I don’t really get what you’re saying. People can struggle with a problem and still be good people. Your statement is judgemental and extremely uncharitable.
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You’re right it did come across that way.

Often people post on here and say “he’s a really good…” husband, father, boyfriend, person… and then they go on to name troubling behaviors, vices, addictions, and things this person does.

No amount of “good person” makes up for all the other things nor does it excuse them or temper or invalidate the issue. In severe cases, no amount of “good person” makes it ok to stay in an abusive situation.

People often pull out the “good person” when they feel guilty for having the feelings they have about the thing they are concerned about.

It’s OK to acknowledge that no, in some instances they aren’t a good person and if it’s major, then something needs to be done despite them being a “good person”.
 
Follower90 said:
Sorry, I forgot to mention that the priest did not ask whether I was pregnant and did not know. I was too embarrassed to admit it. I have been to confession.
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This almost makes even less sense. Normally you have to be engaged a minimum of six months before you can marry in the Church. Some dioceses require a year. I can’t fathom why a priest would agree to marry you after a month, and with only one pre-Cana session.
 
Some good advice here, I would definitely agree with counseling, together or at least by yourself. I would also make sure you discuss with him exactly how this makes you feel, and hopefully he’s willing to do anything suggested (see a doctor, etc) to try to remedy the situation.
 
Follower90 said:
Annulment has gone through my head as it is effecting my self-esteem which is already very low but then catholic teaching says you should suffer and stand by the right thing? Would really appreciate any views on this.
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mentality annulment here…

Are you seriousely think that you can have an annulment because your spouse shows a “low sex drive”?
No, you are confused. What you wants is a civil divorce, but you will still be religiousely married. And unless you want to live in sin, you will ended up alone and chaste, so if it is because you want to have more sex; it is pointless.

Yes, he should have tell him before, but as you had been aldready pregnant with his child, what does it has changed? Would you have prefer not married him because of that? depiste your child?

I don’t want to judge your sex drive, and I am sorry if I bring you no confort, but:

And by the way, after 4 monts after a birth, with three children 3 times is a lot! You need to be more realistic, and more with two children and lower your expectations.

After having children, some people don’t see the point of having sex anymore. It happens. Sometimes it can changed, sometimes it will not.

It seems that one of the only thing you built with him was the sexual aspect of your relationship. Now it is time to discover your others bounds and what share together. he seems a good husband for you, despite the lack you describe. It is very important if you want to stay together.

If you just to want to vent, that’s ok, my post is not the most appropriate. i understand that you are disapointed, and it is not a problem.
 
Follower90 said:
Another excuse was blaming his weed/cigarette smoking and saying it lowers his blood flow and sex drive
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Let’s hope he ditches the ciggies and weed and keeps the sex. You cannot force him to do anything, but you are quite right to want sexual connection with your husband.
 
Anicette said:
I don’t want to judge your sex drive,
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Sounds pretty judgmental to me. Sex is important in a marriage. Yes, circumstances may require abstention, but “my husband likes weed” isn’t a good reason to deny his wife the marital embrace.
 
Anicette said:
After having children, some people don’t see the point of having sex anymore. It happens. Sometimes it can changed, sometimes it will not.
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I don’t think this is true for 95% of people. Sure, you have less sex when you have small children because you’re busy and exhausted, but if someone says “well, we already have kids so what’s the point of sex?” that’s quite concerning. Sex is not ONLY for procreation. Its also a means to unite the spouses and foster intimacy.

OP is not weird or selfish for wanting sex with her husband.
 
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