Newly married - husband won’t have sex

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I don’t think that the majority of people wants or will stop having sex after having children.

But definitely some will. Thoses who don’t see sex as important, some with low sex drive, some because of religious convictions or inhibitions, or because of past traumatisms.

Some people just have sex because it is what is expected of them as a way to sart a relationship and don’t see the point of doing it anymore after they have the children they want. Hard for their partner, but it exists.

It is only 4 months, hopefully, the situation can still improove with time.
 
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Anicette said:
But definitely some will. Thoses who don’t see sex as important, some with low sex drive, some because of religious convictions or inhibitions, or because of past traumatisms.

Some people just have sex because it is what is expected of them as a way to sart a relationship and don’t see the point of doing it anymore after they have the children they want. Hard for their partner, but it exists.
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If you don’t see that sex is important in a relationship then you’re probably not cut out for marriage. There’s a reciprocal sexual obligation between spouses in marriage. One spouse doesn’t get to unilaterally decide that sex is just not important anymore and “I guess that’s hard for you, but golly gee I guess it happens that way.” Want to or not the husband as an obligation to see that his wife’s needs are taken care of.
 
With all due respect, I don’t think this post is addressing any of the pertinent issues for the OP.
Anicette said:
Are you seriousely think that you can have an annulment because your spouse shows a “low sex drive”?
No, you are confused. What you wants is a civil divorce, but you will still be religiousely married. And unless you want to live in sin, you will ended up alone and chaste, so if it is because you want to have more sex; it is pointless.
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If—and that’s a big IF—there’s any cause for annulment, it would be the getting married one month after getting engaged with only one pre-Cana class—which I’m still trying to wrap my mind around—and possibly the pregnancy. I don’t think anyone is saying low sex drive is cause for annulment.
Anicette said:
Yes, he should have tell him before, but as you had been aldready pregnant with his child, what does it has changed? Would you have prefer not married him because of that? depiste your child?
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Maybe if she’d known, she wouldn’t have married him even though she was pregnant. This is exactly why the Church usually doesn’t marry pregnant couples until after the baby is born. Another problem with this whole situation.
Anicette said:
You need to be more realistic, and more with two children and lower your expectations.
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The husband has unilaterally decided to withhold sex almost entirely for no other reason than “he got it out of his system in his teenage years” and “because he likes weed.” That’s completely wrong and it’s on him to change it. Her expectations are absolutely not unrealistic and need absolutely no “lowering” or adjustment of any kind.
Anicette said:
Thoses who don’t see sex as important, some with low sex drive, some because of religious convictions or inhibitions, or because of past traumatisms.
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That’s okay if it’s mutually agreed upon by both spouses. One spouse can’t unilaterally decide “no more sex just because it’s not important to me” and the other spouse just has to grin and bear it and “lower their expectations.”
 
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I am very grateful for all the advice I have received, thank you. I spoke to my mum today about it (I told her I was unhappy that he wasn’t affectionate enough as we don’t talk about sex) and she basically told me to get a grip, that he is a good man and that I am lucky that that’s the biggest problem i’ve got and that I should be focused on the kids. It makes me feel so guilty for feeling the way I do. I’m going to pray and try to work on accepting that it is what it is now. Also try to stop being anxious/paranoid in the night and searching for reasons on secular websites. Sorry I mentioned annulment, I feel silly.
 
The bottom line is, you need to feel happy and fulfilled in your relationship. What your mother thinks is irrelevant, really. @1ke is absolutely right:
1ke said:
People often pull out the “good person” when they feel guilty for having the feelings they have about the thing they are concerned about.
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You shouldn’t feel guilty about this - of course you want to have sex with your husband, of course it’s important to you. You shouldn’t feel guilty at all.

Please talk to a counselor, with your husband. Encourage him to get a medical checkup and to quit the weed/cigarettes.
 
Follower90 said:
I am very grateful for all the advice I have received, thank you. I spoke to my mum today about it (I told her I was unhappy that he wasn’t affectionate enough as we don’t talk about sex) and she basically told me to get a grip, that he is a good man and that I am lucky that that’s the biggest problem i’ve got and that I should be focused on the kids. It makes me feel so guilty for feeling the way I do. I’m going to pray and try to work on accepting that it is what it is now. Also try to stop being anxious/paranoid in the night and searching for reasons on secular websites. Sorry I mentioned annulment, I feel silly.
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Your mom was wrong to say that to you. I’m sorry she invalidated you’re feelings. How you’re feeling is completely understandable and legitimate. No one should be making you feel guilty for how you feel about this.
 
Lou2U said:
The bottom line is, you need to feel happy and fulfilled in your relationship. What your mother thinks is irrelevant, really. @1ke is absolutely right:
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1ke:
People often pull out the “good person” when they feel guilty for having the feelings they have about the thing they are concerned about.
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You shouldn’t feel guilty about this - of course you want to have sex with your husband, of course it’s important to you. You shouldn’t feel guilty at all.

Please talk to a counselor, with your husband. Encourage him to get a medical checkup and to quit the weed/cigarettes.
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Ditto everything in both @Lou2U and @1ke’s posts.
 
Sounds very similar to a lot of situations where the guy becomes addicted to porn and loses interest in sex. Is it possible during those months of pregnancy he turned to porn and is now addicted and no longer wants sex?
 
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That did go through my mind a numerous amount of times especially since he stays up late after I go to bed to play Xbox but he said he hasn’t watched porn in years. While I was pregnant, he did once hide the fact he had Instagram and was liking a girl he once dated’s bikini pictures which hurt me a lot but I like to think I’ve built my trust back in him since then so I believe he is telling the truth.
 
Follower90 said:
he stays up late after I go to bed to play Xbox but he said he hasn’t watched porn in years. While I was pregnant, he did once hide the fact he had Instagram and was liking a girl he once dated’s bikini pictures which hurt me a lot
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Oh dear, more red flags. Can you talk to the priest who agreed to marry you after only one month of engagement and one pre-Cana class about this? I’d really like to see what he has to say about how things are turning out for the two of you…
 
I’m sorry that I won’t be able to offer any real advice. But believe me, I do feel your pain and understand your emotions. What you are experiencing is one of the reasons I’ve never married. Because I know exactly how I react after a couple of months into a relationship. For me the attraction is gone by then. And no matter how much I’ve tried I haven’t been able to reignite it. Seeing how much pain this have caused my partners has been a great burden to carry.
I do hope you and your husband will be able to fix this and that you get most of what you want from your marriage.
 
Ask him if he could pretty please stay off of porn hub and weed for a couple of months and see if his desire for sex returns. I don’t see how anyone would see that as being unreasonable.
 
Thank you. Unfortunately the priest moved away to a different parish. We were the last couple he wed before he moved.
 
Maximian said:
Lots of good men have addictions. The important distinction is, are they taking concrete steps to overcome the addiction?
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1ke clarified what she meant in Post #14.
1ke said:
You’re right it did come across that way.

Often people post on here and say “he’s a really good…” husband, father, boyfriend, person… and then they go on to name troubling behaviors, vices, addictions, and things this person does.

No amount of “good person” makes up for all the other things nor does it excuse them or temper or invalidate the issue. In severe cases, no amount of “good person” makes it ok to stay in an abusive situation.

People often pull out the “good person” when they feel guilty for having the feelings they have about the thing they are concerned about.

It’s OK to acknowledge that no, in some instances they aren’t a good person and if it’s major, then something needs to be done despite them being a “good person”.
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And she’s right.
 
Follower90 said:
Another excuse was blaming his weed/cigarette smoking and saying it lowers his blood flow and sex drive.
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Regular weed smoking affects various aspects of personality. It is known to reduce motivation, sex drive etc. Also the actual smoke will reduce lung capacity making it harder for him to “do his bit” for any length of time. If he also suffers from asthma or something then forget it.

I would imagine the weed smoking is probably at the core of it. Perhaps you need to tell him to grow up and ditch the weed.
 
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