Newly Married - Sleeping Arrangements?

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TigerKitty

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Married only a few weeks now, and husband has declared he only wants to sleep in the same bed together on “non-work” nights, so this is Fri and Sat only. He would prefer to sleep on the floor next to the bed.

I, admitedly, am greatly disappointed and feel terribly rejected…and at a time, when we are newlyweds, when you would expect to feel lots of affection and closeness…:hug3:

What do other couples do? How can I look at this and feel better about things? I don’t want to feel this bad about the situation (lonely, rejected), :nope: but I also don’t want him to suffer for lack of sleep…:hypno:
 
What size bed do y’all have?

What about being in bed with you prevents him from sleeping well?
 
Does he leave early?
Perhaps he does not want to wake you when he gets up?

Fear of waking someone up is no excuse to not sleep in the same bed…but that’s just my opinion…The closeness that comes with sleeping in the same bed is critical to a marriage. I’ve observed that fact many times. My grandparents caused issues for my mother because they were very stingy towards each other and slept in different ROOMS. Let’s not forget that if one of the spouses is hurt by the lack of the intimacy that comes with sharing a bed, it becomes very problematic.
I’d say (in a humble OPINION, since I don’t know of an expert sources to support this) that for the sake of love, share the darn bed.
 
I can’t sleep if my wife is touching me or cuddling with me. She has no problems sleeping like that. The solution is to cuddle for a little while before I go to sleep on her side of the bed, and then move to my side of the bed to sleep.

Communication is the key. You need to understand his needs and he needs to understand your needs in this situation. Find out what his issues are and then work together to come to a situation that you both can accept.

And did I say Talk, if not then I will say it again. Talk. And then Talk some more. Just in case I’m not making myself clear, in my opinion, communication is one of the keys to a successful marriage.
 
We have a standard size bed, and we are both very thin people - so there is plenty of room…

When he does sleep in the bed, I try my best to stay on my own side and not disturb him.

He does leave very early in the morning, but I wouldn’t mind being woken up.
 
Is this a new bed for your husband, if he would rather sleep on the floor maybe the bed is not comfortable for him.

Its already been said but talk, talk, talk - 🙂
 
Uhhhh… what? Your husband is the standard red-blooded American male, right? I would think he would want to be all over you every chance he got… as you ARE newlyweds.

This seems wierd to me. He only wants to sleep with you two nights a week?

How long did you know each other before you got married? How much do you really know about this guy? Because this is absolutely the last thing I would expect a normal, newly married guy to do. It sends up red flags for me. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are more wierd, distancing things coming in the future, especially if you didn’t know each other very long before you married.
 
TigerKitty, I totally understand what you’re going through! Maybe most couples adjust to sleeping in the same bed easily, but it was several months after we were married before we actually were able to both sleep while in the same bed. For a while, we were even sleeping in seperate rooms, simply because it was uncomfortable for one of us to sleep on the floor. I felt pretty dejected about it for a while, but then I realized that it was actually out of love for one another that we were making that sacrifice (we both wanted the other to be able to actually sleep!)

After a while of just sleeping in the same bed occasionally, it gradually became easier for us to both get rest, and now we sleep in the same bed every night. 👍 You definitely need to talk about it, and talk about it often. Tell your DH how sad you feel that you don’t have that closeness that you had expected, and really listen to his reasons for feeling that you need to sleep seperately. It will get better… it just takes a little work! Prayers for you and God bless you both!
 
Has he told you WHY he wants to sleep separately from you?

I think that’s the place to start.
 
I agree with the pp’s…you need to ask your DH why he doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed with you. Perhaps it’ll take a little getting used to before you can get a good night’s rest together…and then your DH will have trouble sleeping when you aren’t next to him. :rolleyes: 🙂
 
1ke said:
Has he told you WHY he wants to sleep separately from you?

I think that’s the place to start.
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Ditto. I’m a newlywed too and I cannot IMAGINE DH proposing such a scenario. Mind you I don’t think that will change in 30 years anyway. Barring anything really disruptive like loud snoring/sleepwalking I wouldn’t want to sleep separately. Just have to ask your DH.
 
As for why, he said that he just can’t sleep in the same bed with me / doesn’t want someone touching him at night.

And, besides the not-sleeping-in-the-same-bed thing, he also requested that we only have relations 😊 on Friday/Sat only. I had to “ask” on the honeymoon, and I feel soooooo bad about this.

I don’t snore, I don’t move around when I sleep, I’m not a cover-hog.

I’m the perfect weight for my height, work out 3x a week, shower everyday - so I don’t think I’m physically repulsive in anyway (and don’t want to start feeling like I am).

I just feel rejected and alone.

We dated for two years and were engaged for almost an entire year, so have known him for ~3 years. Did not see this coming.

We have talked about it, and he said he’s not being this way to hurt me in any way, it’s just the “way he is”.

It’s interesting following the discussion, and if it’s just a matter of getting used to sleeping in the same bed, then OK. I hope that’s all it is…
 
I can understand (kind of) if he needs his rest but he’s going to have to get used to sleeping with someone. He can’t be sleeping on the floor when he’s 70!
 
TigerKitty said:
As for why, he said that he just can’t sleep in the same bed with me / doesn’t want someone touching him at night.

**And, besides the not-sleeping-in-the-same-bed thing, he also requested that we only have relations 😊 on Friday/Sat only. I had to “ask” on the honeymoon, and I feel soooooo bad about this. **

I don’t snore, I don’t move around when I sleep, I’m not a cover-hog.

I’m the perfect weight for my height, work out 3x a week, shower everyday - so I don’t think I’m physically repulsive in anyway (and don’t want to start feeling like I am).

I just feel rejected and alone.

We dated for two years and were engaged for almost an entire year, so have known him for ~3 years. Did not see this coming.

We have talked about it, and he said he’s not being this way to hurt me in any way, it’s just the “way he is”.

It’s interesting following the discussion, and if it’s just a matter of getting used to sleeping in the same bed, then OK. I hope that’s all it is…
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Ok, the rule about when he will or will not have relations with you just set off alarm bells for me. This is not normal behavior and can’t be excused by “that’s just the way he is.” Why would you even have a rule like that? :confused:
 
TigerKitty said:
As for why, he said that he just can’t sleep in the same bed with me / doesn’t want someone touching him at night.

And, besides the not-sleeping-in-the-same-bed thing, he also requested that we only have relations 😊 on Friday/Sat only. I had to “ask” on the honeymoon, and I feel soooooo bad about this.

I don’t snore, I don’t move around when I sleep, I’m not a cover-hog.

I’m the perfect weight for my height, work out 3x a week, shower everyday - so I don’t think I’m physically repulsive in anyway (and don’t want to start feeling like I am).

I just feel rejected and alone.

We dated for two years and were engaged for almost an entire year, so have known him for ~3 years. Did not see this coming.

We have talked about it, and he said he’s not being this way to hurt me in any way, it’s just the “way he is”.

It’s interesting following the discussion, and if it’s just a matter of getting used to sleeping in the same bed, then OK. I hope that’s all it is…
Click to expand...
Now, I can understand his discomfort with sleeping in the same bed… like I stated earlier, we went through something very similar. He needs to be willing to work toward a compromise with it though… he should not just automatically get his way! You guys definitely need to talk about this in depth.

The fact that he doesn’t want to have relations except for on the weekend does seem strange, though. DH didn’t have any problem having relations as often as we wanted too… he simply moved to his bed before we went to sleep. Perhaps it would be a good idea for both of you to speak with your priest or a good Catholic counselor to get to the root of the problem.
 
The martial relations restrictions already weeks into a marriage are not good. Can you talk to him about why so restictive? If he wants to make sure he goes to bed on time, relations do not need to ONLY be at bed time.:confused:

There are some great creative ways around the bed time issue.
 
I think you need some intervention, and pronto.

You’ve been married a few weeks, he doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed as you, and wants to restrict physical intimacy. Something is WRONG.

If it were just an issue of sleeping in the same bed, I’d say do whatever works for you-- there are lots of married couples who sleep in separate bedrooms due to snoring, tossing/turning, etc. There is nothing wrong with that.

BUT, restricting access to intimacy-- THAT is a huge deal and I think it’s a bad sign.

You need to talk about this. If it’s not acceptable to you, and especially if you are having to initiate and he’s rebuffing you-- get to some counseling!
 
One more question fro TigerKitty:

You said you have known him for a few years before you got married. Was the relationship long distance or were you local? I am just wondering how much you saw of each other.
 
Something is WRONG with this guy! Every alarm bell I have is going off. There is definitely something wierd going on, and I have a terrible feeling you may have just married someone you literally know nothing about.
 
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