Newly Married - Sleeping Arrangements?

[TigerKitty]

The relationship was “medium distance”. We saw each other on weekends…

 

[Sure]

And, besides the not-sleeping-in-the-same-bed thing, he also requested that we only have relations on Friday/Sat only. I had to “ask” on the honeymoon, and I feel soooooo bad about this.

RED FLAG…RED FLAG!

You should have a serious talk and probably with a counselor, pronto. This is not normal behavior. A newly married young man doesn’t usually want to go a week without making love to his wife. Perhaps there he is troubled by that, or overly concerned about work. But definitely, work on this asap…it seems there is something deeper here.

God bless!

 

[duskyjewel]

I am sorry to tell you that that just does not work. You only saw each other on weekends? Do you realize that means he had all the opportunity in the world to hide things about his character, and you never spent long enough in close contact to be able to see him slip up? People can’t maintain deception for years on end when they are in close contact with their SO on a regular basis.

I don’t understand why three years of weekends makes people think they know each other well enough to marry. This idea of “long distance relationships” is SOOO damaging… 52 weeks times 3 years divided by weekends only equals 312 days spent together. That is substantially less than a year. Only 7488 hours. And anyone can be good for two days at a time.

There is something very wrong with your husband’s ideas about marital sexuality and intimacy. The fact that you had to ASK for sex on your HONEYMOON… Forget the counselor. I think over the next few weeks you may be witnessing more stuff that leads you to an attorney and the Church asking how to annul this marriage. A guy who starts his marriage this way does not have anything good waiting in the wings for when he is more settled and comfortable.

P.S. I am sure many of you think I am being harsh… but I don’t want her having kids with this guy and ending up trapped. She needs to completely re-evaluate everything NOW. My gut feeling is that she has been the victim of a massive fraud.

 

[lizaanne]

This idea of “long distance relationships” is SOOO damaging…

Well I have to say hold the phone on this one!!!

My DH and I were 3,000 miles apart and only saw each other a total of six weeks over a two year period before we married, and we are extremely happy and perfectly well adjusted. Please don’t make blanket statements like this that could have nothing to do with what she is going through.

Yes - this couple clearly has some extremely serious issues. But even if they saw each other every single day, if they were chaste in their dating and engagement and never discussed sex, this may have NEVER been known until after marriage.

They need counseling. Sleeping alone is not that big a deal, we had some adjustment time getting used to having another body in the bed as well, but we got over it. The sex thing is another issue altogether that needs addressing.

TigerKitty - YOU are not doing anything wrong. Please don’t take what he is doing personally, even though that is very hard. He has something he needs to get figured out, and as his wife, you need to support him in this and help him through it.

I’ll keep you in my prayers.

~Liza

 

[sanctamaria17]

OK, the bed thing would be one thing if it was just because of work.

But seriously?! You had to ASK to have sex on your HONEYMOON?! That’s just NOT NORMAL!!!

I’m not married, so feel free to take my views with a grain of salt. But it just doesn’t seem right!

That’s just odd.

I’ll be praying!

 

[Matt33]

This was an interesting thread. I thnk there are many alarm bells here, something is not right. That being said…
Sometimes my brain is going 100 MPH and I want to read or watch tv or just let my mind work some things out so I end up falling asleep in the living room. Sometimes when I can’t sleep I go to adoration. Perhaps, a week on the floor next to him could make a point? If I saw my wife waking with a stiff back just because she wanted to be close to me I would cuddle up anytime.
Still his behavior seems almost cruel, selfish and cold.

 

[duskyjewel]

Liza, you and I will have to agree to disagree on this one. I see what you did as taking a huge risk, and I don’t think that serves the Sacrament of Marriage well.

Anyone who gets married without ever discussing sex at all is asking for problems. How could you get through six months of marriage prep without bringing it up?

I think finding people to meet through the 'net is fine. But once something gets serious enough to consider marriage, I think people need to be living close to each other and seeing each other for big pieces of time more than three times a week, in order to truly and fully know each other’s character. In this day and age, people must date/court defensively to a certain extent. Be on the lookout for major character issues and red flag behaviors. One must know what is there before one can decide to accept or reject…

People who have things to hide usually know how to do so very well. If you let them have it easy, only make them hide it a day or two at a time… well then, you can be easily fooled, and find yourself married to someone who wants to rigidly control your sleep and sex lives. I can’t think of a psychologically healthy reason he would want to unilaterally, rigidly limit making love to his own wife.

 

[gettingthere]

Well I have to say hold the phone on this one!!!

My DH and I were 3,000 miles apart and only saw each other a total of six weeks over a two year period before we married, and we are extremely happy and perfectly well adjusted. Please don’t make blanket statements like this that could have nothing to do with what she is going through.

I have to agree with this. DuskyJewel, it’s really offensive to me that you would make such a statement about long distance relationships. My husband and I were 4,000 miles apart and saw each other a total of five weeks during the two years before we got married. We’re in a very loving and committed relationship and I’ve had friends who saw their spouse every day before they got married tell us that we have better communication skills than they do.

To the OP, I would definitely say counseling is in order. It isn’t normal by any stretch to not want to sleep with your spouse (unless there was something you would do that disrupts his sleep, but there isn’t as far as I can tell) and even less normal to restrict relations the way your husband has. It is very early in your marriage, and this is something that needs to get worked out sooner rather than later. If anything, he should tell you WHY he’s doing this, and you need to tell him how you feel about it.

 

[Lil_M]

You only saw each other on weekends? Do you realize that means he had all the opportunity in the world to hide things about his character, and you never spent long enough in close contact to be able to see him slip up? People can’t maintain deception for years on end when they are in close contact with their SO on a regular basis.

Have to disagree with this too. DH and I were long distance for 4 of the 6 years we dated…I don’t think as a rule distance is ideal but sometimes it happens and weren’t going to break up over it. I don’t think this fact is related to the denial of intimacy. If anything our distance increased that desire

That said I certainly agree it is a major issue for a husband to deny his wife sex 5 days out of 7 with no apparent reason.

 

[Truly_Beloved]

As for why, he said that he just can’t sleep in the same bed with me / doesn’t want someone touching him at night.

And, besides the not-sleeping-in-the-same-bed thing, he also requested that we only have relations on Friday/Sat only. I had to “ask” on the honeymoon, and I feel soooooo bad about this.

I am not trying to accuse him of anything, and you don’t have to answer my question here on the thread, but I wonder if he has ever struggled with same-sex attraction?

Something to look into, TK. I’m so sorry you feel so alone and rejected. :console:

 

[richardsgirl]

I must say that I agree with DuskyJewel. This situation sounds all wrong, just all wrong! How could he restrict relations like that with a wife he loves, is attracted to and is only just married to? Especially if they’re doing NFP which means opportunity will be someone limited by that too. Having to ASK for sex on the honeymoon! How horribly demoralising! I’m so so sorry you’re in this situation but it really doesn’t sound like this marriage is heading anywhere good

 

[LovingHim]

Sleeping arrangements could be justified. We’ve been married several years and hubby just needs GOOD SOLID sleep one or two or occasionally even three nights a week. It is during the work week. He works hard. He has sleep issues, I have sleep issues, it’s all justified. But we work hard to work out special cuddle times those nights we don’t share a bed, and to make a special effort to limit the amount of unshared sleeping time. But, some couples (depending on circumstances) may need more or less separate sleeping time. The fact that your husband is sleeping on the floor next to the bed makes it sound as though he still very much wants to be close to you as best as he’s able. I think this sounds alright. Now, if he doesn’t want to see/hear/talk/cuddle (and I am not meaning sex) at all during the week, THEN there’s a problem.

The marital relations on a schedule seem on the surface alarming. But, I don’t agree with those here that say that men are always ready to take a woman up on an offer and are making countless offers themselves besides. Two times a week isn’t alarming, even for newlyweds, especially if they are working or have health issues. But a scheduled time without openness for other suggestions, seems questionable. But, for some, especially if your husband works long hours could even be justified. Sex, while awesome, is physically and mentally draining. It really might be too much during the week. But, it does seem alarming that it is not even a possibility SOME of the time, to engage in an occasional mid week love making session, ya know?

Just my thoughts.

 

[1ke]

I am sorry to tell you that that just does not work. You only saw each other on weekends?

I disagree with this. DH and I were long distance until we married. We didn’t even see each other on weekends, only once a month or every other, for two years. We were over 1000 miles apart. We just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary.

Long distance isn’t for everyone, and people can hide character flaws, but that goes for people in the same town too. I have friends who divorced after a few years due to a complete personality transplant on the part of their spouse-- one was very “holy” going to Mass every week (that’s where they met!) before marriage and doing a 180 after marriage with other serious issues as well.

My DH does **not **sleep on the floor and the idea of rationing sex or having to ask for it is … unheard of in *THIS *house.

 

[punisherthunder]

I’m newly married and have slept in the bed with my wife from day one. Unless you are sleeping in a twin bed…there is no reason for him to sleep on the floor. That’s weird. Who wouldn’t want to be with their wife?

 

[Verbum_Caro]

I just have to put my 2 cents in:

Folks, let’s try to remember that this is a newlywed couple, presumably united in the sacrament of Matrimony. Its a fledgling marriage that needs nurturing and guidance and grace – not accusations and alarms set off by us (a bunch of internet strangers, who really don’t have enough information to give marital advice).

I’m concerned that we may be planting seeds of discord and distrust that could do very real harm to a family. I understand that the OP came to this forum and asked for (name removed by moderator)ut. . . but that doesn’t give us license to, for lack of a better word, meddle in a sacramental union. I understand that most of the comments here are from a place of concern and a desire to protect TigerKitty . . . but if anything we advise is off base, or is detraction, or is the cause for greater division in her nascent family. . .well that is a responsibility that we shouldn’t take lightly.

I hope everyone can see where I am coming from.

VC

 

[Miles_Mariae]

I agree with the above poster.

 

[Jordan_Francis]

TigerKitty, make sure you don’t miss this post:

**Verbum Caro ** I just have to put my 2 cents in:

Folks, let’s try to remember that this is a newlywed couple, presumably united in the sacrament of Matrimony. Its a fledgling marriage that needs nurturing and guidance and grace – not accusations and alarms set off by us (a bunch of internet strangers, who really don’t have enough information to give marital advice).

I’m concerned that we may be planting seeds of discord and distrust that could do very real harm to a family. I understand that the OP came to this forum and asked for (name removed by moderator)ut. . . but that doesn’t give us license to, for lack of a better word, meddle in a sacramental union. I understand that most of the comments here are from a place of concern and a desire to protect TigerKitty . . . but if anything we advise is off base, or is detraction, or is the cause for greater division in her nascent family. . .well that is a responsibility that we shouldn’t take lightly.

I hope everyone can see where I am coming from.

It’s useful to probe forums like this to find people with perhaps similar situations. However, before any person leads you into extreme conclusions, **this is something best taken up with you, your husband and someone truly qualified to give advice **in this situation.

You are in my prayers,

 

[Katie1723]

Sounds to me there is more than wee bit of a control issue going on here.
Kathy

 

[rayne89]

Looking back at TigerKitty’s older posts it seems she and her husband are around 35 years of age. It is possible that your new husband has been single and used to having his own place for so long learning to share a household is proving difficult for him.

Before you jump to all kinds of conclusions (like some that have been suggested here) please make an appointment for you both with your parish priest and seek guidance.

 

[LittleMother]

TigerKitty - I’m so sorry for the stress you’re going through. the first year of marriage was very difficult for us. Not the same issues you have, but sometimes I’m surprised that we made it through. I definitely think some type of counseling is needed for you two, is it possible that he was sexually abused? Some parents give their children an unhealthy view of sex (saying that it’s wrong or dirty) to try & keep them from temptation, could that be an issue for him? A lot of people have a hard time not feeling like they are doing something wrong when they are first married. Spiritual guidance would be good. Is he a strong Catholic? If he strengthens his faith and is motivated to please God, the rest should fall into place. Sex, in the context of marriage, is holy and good and pleasing to God.

You’ll be in my prayers.