Newly Married - Sleeping Arrangements?

[BamaRider]

Married only a few weeks now, and husband has declared he only wants to sleep in the same bed together on “non-work” nights, so this is Fri and Sat only. He would prefer to sleep on the floor next to the bed.

Do what?? Is he not well?? http://bestsmileys.com/peeping/1.gif

Then Jrabs from NY said this concerning when to get intimate-

There are some great creative ways around the bed time issue.

And a few would be?? http://bestsmileys.com/listening/2.gif All ears!

 

[Phemie]

I am sorry to tell you that that just does not work. You only saw each other on weekends? Do you realize that means he had all the opportunity in the world to hide things about his character, and you never spent long enough in close contact to be able to see him slip up? People can’t maintain deception for years on end when they are in close contact with their SO on a regular basis.

I don’t understand why three years of weekends makes people think they know each other well enough to marry. This idea of “long distance relationships” is SOOO damaging… 52 weeks times 3 years divided by weekends only equals 312 days spent together. That is substantially less than a year. Only 7488 hours. And anyone can be good for two days at a time.

Hey, in the two years before we married DH was anywhere from a couple of hundred miles to 5000 miles away. We saw each other a grand total of 45 or 50 days during those 2 years, at least 7 days of that the week before our wedding. I effectively married a stranger since the military had taken him apart and put him back together the way they wanted him. Still, we’ll have been married 33 years this October.

 

[mdr]

As for why, he said that he just can’t sleep in the same bed with me / doesn’t want someone touching him at night.

And, besides the not-sleeping-in-the-same-bed thing, he also requested that we only have relations on Friday/Sat only. I had to “ask” on the honeymoon, and I feel soooooo bad about this.

I don’t snore, I don’t move around when I sleep, I’m not a cover-hog.

I’m the perfect weight for my height, work out 3x a week, shower everyday - so I don’t think I’m physically repulsive in anyway (and don’t want to start feeling like I am).

I just feel rejected and alone.

We dated for two years and were engaged for almost an entire year, so have known him for ~3 years. Did not see this coming.

We have talked about it, and he said he’s not being this way to hurt me in any way, it’s just the “way he is”.

It’s interesting following the discussion, and if it’s just a matter of getting used to sleeping in the same bed, then OK. I hope that’s all it is…

TigerKitty, it might help to know that your husband might truly be as sensitive to your presence while he sleeps as he says he is. People really do vary a lot in how intensely they experience the world. It seems so strange to those who don’t experience it, but it is very real.

I have a child who is one of the intense ones - as a toddler, she could feel sock wrinkles inside her shoes, and they drove her mad! My nephew, now a dad himself, still cuts the tags out of all his shirts because they scratch the back of his neck. Even in her teens, my spirited child cringes in pain when she hears fabric brush against a textured wall! Her senses of hearing, touch, and smell are very acute.

I learned a great deal about temperament when she was a high-need baby and toddler. A friend recommended Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s book, Raising Your Spirited Child, and it helped us to understand and manage both our daughter and ourselves. People with this sort of temperament are actually wired differently: their nervous systems respond much more strongly than average to sensory stimulation.

At night, any change in sensation or environment is likely to bring such a person into full wakefulness, where most of us would barely stir. If your husband is having trouble adjusting to sharing a bed, it might not be any rejection of you.

As far as the relations-only-on-weekends goes, it does seem unusual but might possibly be understandable. After 20 years of marriage, I have noticed that stress decreases even my libidinous husband’s interest. If your husband is under unusual stress from work, finances, or even adjusting to a new home life as a newlywed, that might explain his attitude.

That said, I do urge you to talk, talk, talk with your husband and listen, listen, listen to his concerns. Share your feelings and needs, too. **Especially find a qualified counselor **- your parish priest would be a great resource either for counseling y’all himself or referring you to a someone good.

I have to agree that red flags are popping up all over when I read your posts. It could be just growing pains and a period of adjustment, but even if it is, talking things over with a counselor will help ease the adjustment. If it’s something more serious, a qualified counselor will help you to identify the problems together and work through them together.

This is a lot of info to have thrown at you. I hope some of it helps. Good luck and God bless you both.

Peace-
-mdr

 

[Salonika]

Maybe it’s inappropriate for a never married person to chime in on this but I will.

One reason I have never married is that I know I could not sustain the intimacy involved - I once said that MAYBE, just maybe, I could just manage if we lived in separate houses and spent the weekends together only.

So therefore while I might be surprised at some couples arrangements I would never criticise them as long as they suit BOTH parties.

So it isn’t your husband’s wishes that surprise me but the fact he hasn’t said why. I think if someone wants an unusual arrangement then they need to say why. If people don’t say why they set up the other person to wonder why. Is there something wrong with them? It’s much more upsetting to have to wonder why that to know why and deal with the reason.

Also if you do go to counselling or spiritual direction on this think you need to be very careful who you choose. Someone who is able to look at a range of options. Someone who backs you or your husband into a corner could make the situation worse not better.

I do hope you and your husband are able to resolve the situation.

 

[Tinajo]

As for why, he said that he just can’t sleep in the same bed with me / doesn’t want someone touching him at night.

Hi TigerKitty - I’m newly married too and I really feel for you over this. It sounds like you might be like me - the sort of person who really needs physical cuddling and touching. I’m really lucky that my husband likes sleeping in the same bed as me and when I try to imagine what it would be like if he wanted to sleep on the floor most of the week… it’s really painful.

That said, we had talked about it before we married - he knew I needed lots of physical attention to be happy and we were both looking forward to sleeping in the same bed. As others have said, the worrying thing is that you don’t seem to have understood each other well enough - if he really can’t sleep in the same bed as you and get enough sleep to go to work, then that’s fair enough, but if you make it clear how important cuddling is to you, I would hope that he would make the effort to do that before sleeping so you’re not left worrying like this.

Also, it sounds like you have a single bed? I completely agree that there’s space for 2 (we’ve managed that when visiting friends!) but only if you sleep close, whereas if you’ve got a double bed it’s entirely possible to sleep without touching each other.

And, besides the not-sleeping-in-the-same-bed thing, he also requested that we only have relations on Friday/Sat only. I had to “ask” on the honeymoon, and I feel soooooo bad about this.

I agree with the others - this seems odd and unusual that he would make this a hard and fast rule without explaining his reasons.

Whoever it was that said Talk - that’s definitely right. You need to understand why he feels he needs these rules and he needs to understand why you’re feeling upset - then you can find a compromise to move forward.

Best of luck with the conversation - I’m praying for you both.

 

[Ogo_nwa_maria]

I would say that it is necessary to give everyone the benefit of doubt. Maybe he is very sensitive and can’t sleep if he is cuddled up especially beside someone who makes his heart beat fast. I can’t sleep cuddled up either, I need my space, DH likes to cuddle. So we cuddle a while, he sleeps, I move to my end and sleep.

If he loves sleep like I do and has a very busy schedule, he may just want to maximize his sleep time so that he doesn’t get to doze in the office, I completely understand with him. His choice for Friday and Saturday shows that he needs to do it at nights when there is no work the next day probably because like me he has a problem waking up as early and refreshed as he would need to for work after an exhausting act at night. Yeap, I wake up later after sex nights so he may just be like me.

Babe, I think you need to take it easy on him. He is only doing this because he is scared of not meeting up with his potentials at work cause of a defective night sleep. I leave the house 6 in the morning and get home 9-10pm, DH leaves by 5:15 and gets home 8pm. Sex for us too is a weekend affair most of the time and sincerely, twice a week i.e. 8 times in a month (considering the fact that we use NFP now) is luxury. But you know what, we make the best of what we have and I feel its more of the quality than the quantity. We are so close and have a really very blissful marriage.

My advice, communication. It works.

 

[jrabs]

Do what?? Is he not well?? http://bestsmileys.com/peeping/1.gif

Then Jrabs from NY said this concerning when to get intimate-

And a few would be?? http://bestsmileys.com/listening/2.gif All ears!

Awe come on BamaRider. Really? An old married salt like you needs to be advised on alternate times to engage your wife other then the traditional bedtime hour?

Guess I am just a newly wed and have found no excuses.

But as for the OP, the bedtime hour does not need to be the only time to enjoy the marital embrace.

 

[kevinsgirl]

I just wanted to point out that the rule about sex only on weekends might be justified as other people have pointed out by an extremely busy work week. What makes me feel that there isn’t a good reason, though, is the fact that he was like this on the honeymoon…which is a vacation set aside purely for the couple to relax and enjoy the benefits of married life.

 

[samovila]

I just have to put my 2 cents in:

Folks, let’s try to remember that this is a newlywed couple, presumably united in the sacrament of Matrimony. Its a fledgling marriage that needs nurturing and guidance and grace – not accusations and alarms set off by us (a bunch of internet strangers, who really don’t have enough information to give marital advice).

I’m concerned that we may be planting seeds of discord and distrust that could do very real harm to a family. I understand that the OP came to this forum and asked for (name removed by moderator)ut. . . but that doesn’t give us license to, for lack of a better word, meddle in a sacramental union. I understand that most of the comments here are from a place of concern and a desire to protect TigerKitty . . . but if anything we advise is off base, or is detraction, or is the cause for greater division in her nascent family. . .well that is a responsibility that we shouldn’t take lightly.

I hope everyone can see where I am coming from.

VC

Well said. I just wanted to add to all the other good advice the OP received that I found the first year of marriage to be VERY hard. Sleeping together was hard after the initial excitement wore off. He snores, he’s gassy, he steals the blankets. And I’m sure I’m not innocent either. I’ve been married for 2 years not and just realized recently that sleeping together is not as hard as it used to be.

As for the sexual relations issue, without knowing the whys or why nots, it’s hard to judge. He may be a normal, healthy, man who comes home from work too exhausted and putting more priority on breadwinning than on satisfying his wife. In my opinion it takes a while to get comfortable with your sex life and to compromise between one another on your expectations. This is all new to both of you, afterall. I would say talk about it and follow up with a good counselor if necessary.

 

[Polaris]

Im going to defend the poor Guy. I know this might shock people but all guys do not think sex is that greatest thing on earth. I know, it sounds crazy, but its true. This coming from my own mouth. I liked sex just to be close, and I loved to sleep by my wife, but she really had to tease me to get me going because I really didnt enjoy it physcally, it was all mental and not that great. Add the “some people are sensitive factor” just like the previous poster said and it start making sense. I must be honest, and I do not mean to be vulgar but I could not stand the smell, it made in the room, and I would have a gag reflex sometimes. I would open the windows turn a fan on, and try to air out the room. No way was I going to sleep on those sheets either, they were changed, and I had to take a shower, not because I think sex is dirty in my head but because it is physically dirty. Dry sticky mucus on me full of bacteria all night, I felt it and I cant sleep like that. I was raised to be clean Im sorry. Also unlike most guys it woke me up and I would have to calm down. I really did not want that during a work week. The guy might have similiar feelings. HIm sleeping on the floor. That may be another issue. I hope this makes you feel better, dont worry he may be perfectly normal, the only thing you should do as everyone said is communicate, communicate and communicate. The differnce between you and my wife is she knew it had nothing to do with her, just the biology of it and the products of it on a work night, heck NO. Congrats on your wedding by the way!

 

[LovingHim]

I just wanted to point out that the rule about sex only on weekends might be justified as other people have pointed out by an extremely busy work week. What makes me feel that there isn’t a good reason, though, is the fact that he was like this on the honeymoon…which is a vacation set aside purely for the couple to relax and enjoy the benefits of married life.

Exactly. The man is in his thirties and the sex drive does start to decline in quite a few men during that time. Add the full work week and he could just be physically and mentally drained to the point all he wants to do when coming home is sleep or rest. That doesn’t mean he’s selfish or doesn’t put his wife first with the relations he could just be totally completely exhausted. When he might be bordering on selfishness is if he doesn’t spend any non sexual time with his wife during the week. Or isn’t at least open to occasional relations on say a Thursday night when the work week is almost over, ya know? But, twice a week isn’t uncommon, especially when work and life are involved. Trying to make this man into a overly healthy male who can “perform” twice a day every day, and then some, just simply isn’t the norm for most and cannot be expected of most. But, again, communication and balance are the key. On the four or five days you are not engaging in marital relations, or sharing a bed, you should agree to engage in some non sexual together time, cuddling, watching t.v., playing a game, whatever that might be.

That being said, I was kind of shocked about the honeymoon. Maybe he was not feeling well? The stress of planning and the wedding itself can be draining. (My husband got a terrible cold the day before our wedding! And he wasn’t up for much.) I know many a couple who don’t engage in relations their wedding night, they wait until the next day or so when they’ve had some sleep. Could this have been the problem? Maybe you were set on the wedding night itself, but he was just way too tired. That can be justified.

For future trips, try a weekend get away. That way he’s more rested and you can focus on being together and he will be more likely to enjoy things and be more relaxed.

 

[whatevergirl]

I don’t know if I would read much into the sexual aspect of this, as much as the control aspect. I mean, sex isn’t something ‘dictated’ by a husband or wife, and the other spouse just follows suit. It is usually (or should be) spontaneous unless you are following NFP, and still, that can be spontaneous, if you have a set window of days to have sex, depending if you are spacing children or not. But, it seems here that the husband in question is ‘declaring’ schedules for sleeping together, and having sex–not taking into consideration his wife’s feelings. Sounds like nothing was really discussed…he’s just assuming she’ll accept this. That jumps out at me more than someone who doesn’t want to have sex all that often, or needs a separate space to sleep for whatever the reasons.

I think that it’s wholeheartedly unfair to make declarations like this, and just expect the other to follow along, no questions asked. It could be that he likes his space, doesn’t want to have sex all that often…but this is something to be discussed not just…‘we will have sex only on Fridays and Saturdays, end of discussion.’

Being married is about constant communication–and considering the other person’s feelings. In this case, that seems to be more of the issue in my eyes, rather than this man’s desire to have sex twice per week or whatever.

Just my two cents…

Control issues at play here…that is what I would try to work on…and getting the husband to talk about his feelings, rather than make declarations.

 

[dianaballein]

What size bed do y’all have?

What about being in bed with you prevents him from sleeping well?

It shouldn’t matter, IMO. My husband snores like a buzzsaw. Couldn’t sleep at first, but just like small children when they get tired enough, they sleep. Now I am so used to it that when I don’t hear noise, I have a hard time sleeping. Removing oneself from the same bed over things like that is just an excuse for something else. What are his reasons?

 

[dianaballein]

I just have to put my 2 cents in:

Folks, let’s try to remember that this is a newlywed couple, presumably united in the sacrament of Matrimony. Its a fledgling marriage that needs nurturing and guidance and grace – not accusations and alarms set off by us (a bunch of internet strangers, who really don’t have enough information to give marital advice).

I’m concerned that we may be planting seeds of discord and distrust that could do very real harm to a family. I understand that the OP came to this forum and asked for (name removed by moderator)ut. . . but that doesn’t give us license to, for lack of a better word, meddle in a sacramental union. I understand that most of the comments here are from a place of concern and a desire to protect TigerKitty . . . but if anything we advise is off base, or is detraction, or is the cause for greater division in her nascent family. . .well that is a responsibility that we shouldn’t take lightly.

I hope everyone can see where I am coming from.

VC

Good post.

I believe everyone has good intentions here. Sometimes, you run into an instance that has you scratching your head in confusion.

 

[Cat]

He says, “That’s just me.”

Well, Guy, when you are married, it’s not all about “just me.” It’s all about “us.”

Guy needs to stop stating that things will be a certain way because “that’s just me.” That is what a little boy says. A married man, a husband, says, “It’s all about us. How can we work this out so that we can be truly one all the time, not just when we are joined in sexual intercourse, and be happy and fulfilled in our oneness?”

Guy has no right to his body anymore, but it belongs to his wife, and in the same way, her body belongs to her husband. This is straight out of the Bible.

I’ve been married 29 years. We started dating six years before we got married. We are now 50. My husband is still all over me as often as possible, and I’m not complaining at all! And we cuddle in bed, too, but it’s a little harder now, because he wears a C-pap due to sleep apnea, and I often wear a night-splint to keep my foot aligned. Ah, aging!

From the beginning, we have been “one.” We are like one person with two bodies and two minds.

That doesn’t mean that we give up who we are individually. Oh, no, on the contrary, we do everything we can to make it possible for us to fulfill our individual dreams. I spend hours writing novels and screenplays (no best sellers or options yet, but I keep working on it). And he spends hours building things with tiny little electronic parts that he orders from various catalogues or buys at Radio Shack.

This week, he drove into Chicago to attend a rock concert with a group of his figure skating friends. I stayed home and watched my favorite actor (Robert Patrick) on old X-Files DVDs. We both agreed with this in advance and we were both quite happy with our evenings (his lasted until until 4 the next morning!).

This “oneness” was especially important when we were raising our daughters, who knew that they would get the SAME ANSWER from Mom or Dad. Trying to flim flam one of us was like running into a huge brick wall–they couldn’t get anything around us because we were one person.

Guy is at fault here. Not sure why–that’s for a good counselor to determine. Gal, do NOT listen to people who say that everything will work out just fine. This is nowhere near normal behavior for a newly-married man. Perhaps he has some kind of mental illness; if this is the case, then as a wife, you will have to learn to accept him, because you vowed “in sickness or in health.”

Or maybe he has control issues. I’m a little scared for you. I’m afraid that he will make more and more “demands” of you, and you will be so used to submitting and calling his demands “normal,” you will submit until he demands something harmful of you.

Gal, get some qualified help, and if Guy won’t agree to go with you, then go talk to a priest about the “marriage.” The two of you should be one, not “just me.”

 

[SacredHeartFan]

Go out and buy a tempurpedic matress! He’ll sleep in bed everynight and he won’t have to worry about waking you up in the morning!!!

 

[estesbob]

Do what?? Is he not well?? http://bestsmileys.com/peeping/1.gif

Then Jrabs from NY said this concerning when to get intimate-

And a few would be?? http://bestsmileys.com/listening/2.gif All ears!

I thought you were going to buy a new suit with all that lotto money I sent you!

 

[Jesus_N_Cherie]

I just have to put my 2 cents in:

Folks, let’s try to remember that this is a newlywed couple, presumably united in the sacrament of Matrimony. Its a fledgling marriage that needs nurturing and guidance and grace – not accusations and alarms set off by us (a bunch of internet strangers, who really don’t have enough information to give marital advice).

I’m concerned that we may be planting seeds of discord and distrust that could do very real harm to a family. I understand that the OP came to this forum and asked for (name removed by moderator)ut. . . but that doesn’t give us license to, for lack of a better word, meddle in a sacramental union. I understand that most of the comments here are from a place of concern and a desire to protect TigerKitty . . . but if anything we advise is off base, or is detraction, or is the cause for greater division in her nascent family. . .well that is a responsibility that we shouldn’t take lightly.

I hope everyone can see where I am coming from.

VC

Thank you for the post. I was seriously considering entering my own opinion.
To the OP, pray very heartily for your husband, you marriage vows, and your discernment. There is no bad time to talk to your priest, so I would suggest that you do that. There are things that are confusing and causing you to feel rejected. But communication and talking with a priest might help. Prayer certainly will, irregardless as to what the problem is.

 

[duskyjewel]

I must be honest, and I do not mean to be vulgar but I could not stand the smell, it made in the room, and I would have a gag reflex sometimes. I would open the windows turn a fan on, and try to air out the room. No way was I going to sleep on those sheets either, they were changed, and I had to take a shower, not because I think sex is dirty in my head but because it is physically dirty. Dry sticky mucus on me full of bacteria all night, I felt it and I cant sleep like that. I was raised to be clean Im sorry.

I’m sorry, but this post is really bothering me. Polaris, I was raised to be clean too. This comes off as OCD-type clean. You get up and take a shower and change the sheets after sex? You turn on a fan to air out the room? I would be more than insulted if my DH did that. That does communicate, eeew, gross, what we just did is dirty and I have to remove all traces of it.

Sex is messy. Accepting that is part of maturing. I would feel that my husband was disgusted by my body and by our sexual relationship if he behaved this way. And I think most women would. This seems to me the same attitude that spawns unhealthy products like FDS. Women damage their pelvic health trying to smell like flowers, because some guy doesn’t have the maturity to deal with the fact that her body does not smell like flowers.

I am very thankful for my own DH, who not only does not seem bothered at all by the messy aspects of sex, but has enough intestinal fortitude to have watched and supported me through all my births, and even delivered the last baby himself. (And this was an accidental home birth, so I mean, all by himself!) As pushing a baby out uses the same muscles as having a BM, he had to clean that off me too, and he never flinched. And he still desires me (which AMAZES me BTW!).

That is maturity. Some of the things that have been said on this thread reflect immaturity.

And whatever the OP’s husband’s issue is with sleeping with someone else, there is more going on here than comfort or snoring, etc. The people on this thread who have said they prefer to sleep apart all sleep in BEDS. This guy wants to sleep on the FLOOR. He would rather sleep on the cold, hard, uncomfortable floor than share himself with his wife. That is a sign of nothing good.

 

[Archus]

hmm… may I ask the OP:

Does your husband have a busy work week, and does he have supreme organisational skills (like his clothes are a certain way in the drawers/wardrobe, his beer/drinks are neat in the fridge etc.) and does he either shy away, ignore or get agitated when someone tries to upset what he has always done?