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funnyyetsavvy
Guest
Agree totally Duskyjewel :twocents:
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thomfra
Guest
You need to get down to the truth of the matter ASAP. Do not let things go to long, or it will be even harder. Turn off the computer. Go in, and talk to your husband.
There may be something that you can work though. But you really need to start communicating now.
There may be something that you can work though. But you really need to start communicating now.
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Jesus_N_Cherie
Guest
I am not trying to judge, so please bear with me.
The posts seem to me to be almost demonizing this man. the OP came to bring us something she was concerned about. I think it very important that we not throw around emotional words, although given with good intentions. The truth is, until we know what he says to her questions, we do not know what his reasons are. Even then, we cannot truly judge him, for we have not walked in his shoes.
Please let us remember our Christian charity in dealing with this issue. Giving advice is different than what seems to me like an attack on this man…and how would this do his wife any good?
I am not talking about any individual posts, so as not to attack any one person. I am saying that in reading the entire thread, this is what it seems like to me, even though I can also see good intentions in the midst of it.
God bless you all.
To the OP, I am praying for you both.
The posts seem to me to be almost demonizing this man. the OP came to bring us something she was concerned about. I think it very important that we not throw around emotional words, although given with good intentions. The truth is, until we know what he says to her questions, we do not know what his reasons are. Even then, we cannot truly judge him, for we have not walked in his shoes.
Please let us remember our Christian charity in dealing with this issue. Giving advice is different than what seems to me like an attack on this man…and how would this do his wife any good?
I am not talking about any individual posts, so as not to attack any one person. I am saying that in reading the entire thread, this is what it seems like to me, even though I can also see good intentions in the midst of it.
God bless you all.
To the OP, I am praying for you both.
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LovingHim
Guest
I agree with this. We haven’t even heard back from the original poster in a while, and we are still bashing her husband. She can’t even defend herself or him.
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duskyjewel
Guest
No one is demonizing the guy. But most of us are reacting negatively to such a wierd turn of events. This man’s behavior just is not normal, and it seems so strange to many of us that we instinctively think something is very wrong. We want to warn and protect TigerKitty.
I am starting to wonder if the reason she has not been back to this thread is because those of us who reacted strongly may have confirmed her own warning bells. I’m sorry, but compassion or not, any woman would know something is wrong with this and feel rejected. If we confirmed what she is thinking, her world has been completely rocked and we may never hear from her again.
I only hope she is OK, is figuring out what to do, and will come to a conclusion that is best and healthiest for her. I also hope, TigerKitty, if you are still reading, that you DO NOT have any children with your husband until this issue is resolved and the roots of his odd distancing and controlling behavior are exposed and he is getting the appropriate counseling. I still strongly believe that there is nothing healthy or normal about the way he is acting. I think there are things behind it of which you never dreamed, and which, until truly dealt with, will make family life impossible and perhaps unhealthy or even damaging, for you and for any kids.
I am starting to wonder if the reason she has not been back to this thread is because those of us who reacted strongly may have confirmed her own warning bells. I’m sorry, but compassion or not, any woman would know something is wrong with this and feel rejected. If we confirmed what she is thinking, her world has been completely rocked and we may never hear from her again.
I only hope she is OK, is figuring out what to do, and will come to a conclusion that is best and healthiest for her. I also hope, TigerKitty, if you are still reading, that you DO NOT have any children with your husband until this issue is resolved and the roots of his odd distancing and controlling behavior are exposed and he is getting the appropriate counseling. I still strongly believe that there is nothing healthy or normal about the way he is acting. I think there are things behind it of which you never dreamed, and which, until truly dealt with, will make family life impossible and perhaps unhealthy or even damaging, for you and for any kids.
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dianaballein
Guest
Amen Sistah!
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shannyk
Guest
Me too.
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Sierrah
Guest
I’m not married either but that just seems weird to me. Any guy who has to be asked for sex on the Honeymoon doesn’t sound fully commited to the marriage to me. Unless he’s injured, sick or too drunk…something of that nature.
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Jesus_N_Cherie
Guest
I agree that this does seem weird to us, in our society. But we don’t know anything about this guy. He may have so many things that are causing this. And I didn’t point out one particular post to say this about. The posts put together, if you read them, seem to indeed attack this guy and demonize him in a way…and we don’t have enough information to do this.
Maybe he is from a very poor family and he isn’t used to sleeping on a bed because he is used to sleeping on the floor. Maybe he is the victim of a parent who has taught him that sex is filthy and sinful even in the bonds of Holy Matrimony.
Maybe he is a foreigner who didn’t grow up in a society that over rates sex as our society does.
My point is that we just don’t know, and yet the posts put together seem to attack him as though he is less than a human being worthy of our love and compassion. He hasn’t committed a crime. Just because we do not understand it doesn’t mean it is not justifiable.
She needs to talk with him. She needs to find out what it is about him that has caused him to think and act this way. We have no right to judge him for anything. And the posts all together on this thread SEEM to be doing that.
I just hope that we will all remember that.
Maybe he is from a very poor family and he isn’t used to sleeping on a bed because he is used to sleeping on the floor. Maybe he is the victim of a parent who has taught him that sex is filthy and sinful even in the bonds of Holy Matrimony.
Maybe he is a foreigner who didn’t grow up in a society that over rates sex as our society does.
My point is that we just don’t know, and yet the posts put together seem to attack him as though he is less than a human being worthy of our love and compassion. He hasn’t committed a crime. Just because we do not understand it doesn’t mean it is not justifiable.
She needs to talk with him. She needs to find out what it is about him that has caused him to think and act this way. We have no right to judge him for anything. And the posts all together on this thread SEEM to be doing that.
I just hope that we will all remember that.
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Matt33
Guest
This is where Charity ends and just plain silliness begins.
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Ray_Scheel
Guest
Yes, I follow you here, and completely agree that from what we’ve been told about the honeymoon, the disinterest in sex is independent of a work-related need to rest.What makes me feel that there isn’t a good reason, though, is the fact that he was like this on the honeymoon…which is a vacation set aside purely for the couple to relax and enjoy the benefits of married life.
I wish I’d gotten this kind of advise to treat these signs seriously when I first asked for advise with very similar sex-related problems (or rather the near total lack thereof) that showed up at the beginning in the marriage for which just finished getting a decree of nullity.
As for the more bizarre what-ifs floated out (e.g. what if he was not used to sleeping on a bed), the OP gave a lot of information, enough to presume we’ve been made aware of obvious oddities. Those wilder things fail the “test” of Occam’s razor - that the simplest explanation fitting what is known is usually correct. The simplest answer here is that the OP needs to talk with a priest ASAP about getting her husband into counseling, and to be careful to avoid pregnancy until she is satisfied her husband is fully on board with what the marriage bonds entails.
That her prior posts suggested she had some sort of close relationship with someone who exhibited symptoms consistent with NPD as well as a couple of mentions of having come from a high-pressure family background herself really set off the alarm bells for me that she’s “stepped in it” big time and needs to immediately get significant help both individually and as a couple…
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TigerKitty
Guest
Thank you to everyone for adding their thoughts and advice…
I have been reading, but taking some time to absorb and reflect.
Yes, definitely, some of the posts utterly shook me to the core, and made me feel completely without hope about the situation.
But others - and my initial hope of what to gain by looking for insight here - provided some alternative views of what might be going on.
I should mention that my mom died when I was 8, and so I lack a resource in that area…
I have been talking with my husband about this, and his solution is that he will try to sleep in the bed one more night a week for the next few weeks - and keep adding a night until he is completely off the floor.
As for the “relations only on weekends”, he said that this did sound a bit harsh, and has taken it back.
Don’t worry about bringing a child into this marriage at this time. Unfortunately, you cannot schedule when diapers need changed! And he seems to have to schedule everything.
I would like to talk to him more about this, but he even schedules when/how long/how much detail we can talk about things.
And so, the way things are right now, I am resloved to give him a chance - what can I do? - and we have a counseling appointment scheudled with a Christain counselor who values marriage.
Oh, please, I hope this works out OK. I have hoped and waited and prayed for so long to find myself in a family/place where I felt loved and accepted…:heaven: …So, please, ENCOURAGING, HOPEFUL posts only!
I have been reading, but taking some time to absorb and reflect.
Yes, definitely, some of the posts utterly shook me to the core, and made me feel completely without hope about the situation.
But others - and my initial hope of what to gain by looking for insight here - provided some alternative views of what might be going on.
I should mention that my mom died when I was 8, and so I lack a resource in that area…
I have been talking with my husband about this, and his solution is that he will try to sleep in the bed one more night a week for the next few weeks - and keep adding a night until he is completely off the floor.
As for the “relations only on weekends”, he said that this did sound a bit harsh, and has taken it back.
Don’t worry about bringing a child into this marriage at this time. Unfortunately, you cannot schedule when diapers need changed! And he seems to have to schedule everything.
I would like to talk to him more about this, but he even schedules when/how long/how much detail we can talk about things.
And so, the way things are right now, I am resloved to give him a chance - what can I do? - and we have a counseling appointment scheudled with a Christain counselor who values marriage.
Oh, please, I hope this works out OK. I have hoped and waited and prayed for so long to find myself in a family/place where I felt loved and accepted…:heaven: …So, please, ENCOURAGING, HOPEFUL posts only!
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Nechasin
Guest
I’m happy that ya’ll seems to be working to a solution. That is good news. Adjusting to life together is hard, and does take communication and you seem to be working on that. You’ll be in my prayers.
Good Luck
Good Luck
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Matt33
Guest
You cannot say don’t worry about bringing a child into this" and still be following Gods plan. I don’t assume to know anything about your family planning… But as a Catholic you should be following Church teaching here. Stay in communion with the Church and you WILL be helped by the Lord.
How is his faith??? I think most people would like to schedule everything it is a way to assume power over your life, but it is a way to try to contain God. God shows up in your marriage and life in the UNPLANNED moments, and God should always be the ultimate scheduler of your hearts and lives.
How much and how long you talk and about what seems to me to be odd as well. I honestly think counseling would be in order here and I am definately not a counseling advocate.
I Will pray for you and for him. For your marriage and your hearts to be open to each other’s souls. Though I find it hard to justify his behavior… It is important to treat him with love and respect, caring and patience, but do not be too blind or accepting. There is a fine ballance. You will need the Lords help here.
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kevinsgirl
Guest
TigerKitty–:hug1::hug1::hug1:Thank you to everyone for adding their thoughts and advice…
I have been reading, but taking some time to absorb and reflect.
Yes, definitely, some of the posts utterly shook me to the core, and made me feel completely without hope about the situation.
But others - and my initial hope of what to gain by looking for insight here - provided some alternative views of what might be going on.
I should mention that my mom died when I was 8, and so I lack a resource in that area…
I have been talking with my husband about this, and his solution is that he will try to sleep in the bed one more night a week for the next few weeks - and keep adding a night until he is completely off the floor.
As for the “relations only on weekends”, he said that this did sound a bit harsh, and has taken it back.
Don’t worry about bringing a child into this marriage at this time. Unfortunately, you cannot schedule when diapers need changed! And he seems to have to schedule everything.
I would like to talk to him more about this, but he even schedules when/how long/how much detail we can talk about things.
And so, the way things are right now, I am resloved to give him a chance - what can I do? - and we have a counseling appointment scheudled with a Christain counselor who values marriage.
Oh, please, I hope this works out OK. I have hoped and waited and prayed for so long to find myself in a family/place where I felt loved and accepted…:heaven: …So, please, ENCOURAGING, HOPEFUL posts only!
I think it’s a very good sign that your husband is willing to admit that his plan needed some adjusting–and that now he is going to work towards sleeping together and having a less rigid schedule for marital relations.
And I think you are moving in the right direction by meeting with a counselor. I would suggest that you bring up your husband’s need to schedule everything as perhaps he may need individual counseling to address it. While time management is a good thing, your husband’s approach to the problems you have described in your marriage needs to be addressed constructively and counseling should really help that…and maybe it’ll help you understand him better too!
I’ll be praying hard for you guys! The first year of marriage involves a lot of adjustments, and I think that ya’ll have made some good progress since you first posted!
Take care,
kevinsgirl
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Salonika
Guest
I’m also pleased about the movement and that you have a plan to make further progress. Think that’s very important as it is easy to expect too much change and become dispirited when this doesn’t happen or expect too little.
Think you both need to celebrate the steps that you both make - one mightn’t seem very much but add ten of them and things can be very different for you both. And don’t forget to celebrate this step.
Think you both need to celebrate the steps that you both make - one mightn’t seem very much but add ten of them and things can be very different for you both. And don’t forget to celebrate this step.
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Tinajo
Guest
Great news, TigerKitty! I’m so glad you’ve been able to talk about it all and come up with a plan - I know I always feel much happier when my husband and I have discussed a difficult topic, let each other know how we feel and come up with an action plan
That sounds like a really sensible thing to do - it’s great that he’s willing to go to counselling too. And well done for finding a counselor who will help you build up your marriage. I’ve heard that is a really important factor when choosing someone to talk to, but I imagine it’s quite hard to find that sort of information out!
Best of luck with moving forward - you sound like you’re making a really good start
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Ray_Scheel
Guest
What you described as far as your husband “taking back” the weekends only comment as well as committing to working up to sleeping on the bed full time is very encouraging. If that attitude of working with you keeps up (and is followed by actual and lasting improvement), I hope this all can just be chalked up to a rough start. Still, you will want to see significant and permanent improvement over time until the situation is consistently within the range of normal, not just him talking about it or making temporary improvements that fall back to the status quo after a few weeks or months.
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funnyyetsavvy
Guest
Sounds like encouraging news! I’m sure it was great to actually talk with him and have him be willing to work on things
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lsu
Guest
Maybe he’s gay and he does not want to tell you now
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