Newly Married - Sleeping Arrangements?

[samovila]

TigerKitty,
I find it very encouraging that your husband is willing to do counseling. My DH and I have found a world of improvement in our marriage by seeing a counselor. Something about having an unbiased outside opinion seems to help with our disagreements. It sounds like you two have already made great improvements since your original post and I’m sure you can be hopeful that this is only the first step in building your lifelong marriage together.

 

[armywife]

Ummm… Tiger Kitty said he schedules how much time is spent on talking on a certain issue. He schedules everything… this all sounds quite controlling.

You guys need counseling right now and if he won’t go or fit it into a schedule, then you need to go by yourself.

This sounds a little scary to me.

 

[JustAnotherThou]

Thank you to everyone for adding their thoughts and advice…

I have been reading, but taking some time to absorb and reflect.

Yes, definitely, some of the posts utterly shook me to the core, and made me feel completely without hope about the situation.

But others - and my initial hope of what to gain by looking for insight here - provided some alternative views of what might be going on.

I should mention that my mom died when I was 8, and so I lack a resource in that area…

I have been talking with my husband about this, and his solution is that he will try to sleep in the bed one more night a week for the next few weeks - and keep adding a night until he is completely off the floor.

As for the “relations only on weekends”, he said that this did sound a bit harsh, and has taken it back.

Don’t worry about bringing a child into this marriage at this time. Unfortunately, you cannot schedule when diapers need changed! And he seems to have to schedule everything.

I would like to talk to him more about this, but he even schedules when/how long/how much detail we can talk about things.

And so, the way things are right now, I am resloved to give him a chance - what can I do? - and we have a counseling appointment scheudled with a Christain counselor who values marriage.

Oh, please, I hope this works out OK. I have hoped and waited and prayed for so long to find myself in a family/place where I felt loved and accepted…:heaven: …So, please, ENCOURAGING, HOPEFUL posts only!

See if he will agree to come on CAF at least once a week!!! There are plenty that will help him out!!!
Just kidding.
I was blessed with a quarky husband. Every day for the first 3 months we were married he would wake me up to talk about our “budget”!! Now we were not poor, broke, or over spending. He is just a numbers geek and would adjust our budget daily. Finally, I looked at him one morning when he is telling me something about the budget and said, “honey, if this does not change, we are going to have SERIOUS problems!!!”
Now he only wakes me up with the budget about once a month,

 

[Jesus_N_Cherie]

Ummm… Tiger Kitty said he schedules how much time is spent on talking on a certain issue. He schedules everything… this all sounds quite controlling.

You guys need counseling right now and if he won’t go or fit it into a schedule, then you need to go by yourself.

This sounds a little scary to me.

Stop being an alarmist and demonizing him. Had you payed attention, you would know that he is willing to go to counseling, and he is conceding. Maybe he is somewhat OCD, but he may not be trying to be controlling. Because you don’t know enough about him to make a judgement call, you do not have the right to

People need to understand the Sacrament that these two people engaged in. It is a vow between each of them and God. God has joined them to be as one. She came here asking for some (name removed by moderator)ut, let us remember that we are only people who are on the otherside of a computer. We don’t know them, and we have no right to judge without knowledge. Give them support and prayer. Don’t go bashing the poor guy. She has made a committment to love this guy for the rest of their lives.

To the person who is not the one I am quoting above, Telling her that you think he is gay without any knowledge of this person except for a little bit of what was said on the computer is horrible. If I were her, I would be absolutely terrified now, and probably not want to talk with him about any of it. I understand your point, and the intention behind your words are good. That is obvious. But the “road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Let us not remember this, for it is important. We must be careful in the advice we give to others. I believe we are held accountable to God for it.

 

[Salonika]

Let us not remember this, for it is important. We must be careful in the advice we give to others. I believe we are held accountable to God for it.

Endorse your comments and think it is timely for us to reflect on our responses to this and other threads. Sometimes I think we should note a comment we would like to make and think whether it is helpful for us to make it, and if so, to think about the best way to word it. Throw away comments can be dangerous especially in threads like this one where we are dealing with the deepest aspects of people’'s lives.

Somes I draft my reply, put is aside and then go back and try to read it with the eyes of the poster. Don’t some get changed.

On the other hand, I have been moved by the replies and suggestions of many of the posterso on this thread and the love and care for Tiger Kitty especially that shines through them.

 

[armywife]

Stop being an alarmist and demonizing him. Had you payed attention, you would know that he is willing to go to counseling, and he is conceding. Maybe he is somewhat OCD, but he may not be trying to be controlling. Because you don’t know enough about him to make a judgement call, you do not have the right to

People need to understand the Sacrament that these two people engaged in. It is a vow between each of them and God. God has joined them to be as one. She came here asking for some (name removed by moderator)ut, let us remember that we are only people who are on the otherside of a computer. We don’t know them, and we have no right to judge without knowledge. Give them support and prayer. Don’t go bashing the poor guy. She has made a committment to love this guy for the rest of their lives.

Firstly, I never mentioned she needed to leave him or that their marriage was something to walk away from. I hope at least in that paragraph you were referring to someone else.

Concerning what I wrote, I don’t think I was demonizing him. I said that is sounded scary and controlling that one person decides how long to spend in conversation. If he’s going to counseling then great, that’s all I suggested. To me, it is scary when one person has that much decision-making power. I did not say that he was a manipulator who was going to lock her in a room and control every aspect of her life. That would have been judgmental and alarmist.

 

[TigerKitty]

See if he will agree to come on CAF at least once a week!!! There are plenty that will help him out!!!
Just kidding.
I was blessed with a quarky husband. Every day for the first 3 months we were married he would wake me up to talk about our “budget”!! Now we were not poor, broke, or over spending. He is just a numbers geek and would adjust our budget daily. Finally, I looked at him one morning when he is telling me something about the budget and said, “honey, if this does not change, we are going to have SERIOUS problems!!!”
Now he only wakes me up with the budget about once a month,

Thank you “Thou” for the smile…

I came on here tonight VERY despondent and hurting terribly, and this little quip lightened my mood - a little!

Please, please, please - continue to pray for my husband and me. There are other issues that have surfaced (cannot bring myself to post them here) - but basically, I’m am terrified that he is unable to live a “normal” life of making decisions / commitments (ex., I asked him if he wanted to learn to drive a stick shift, and he said he would let me know in MARCH.)

We are both 36 - I see almost NO chance of ever living in a real house (we are both hard workers with more than enough money to buy a house), and certainly NO HOPE of children. If he cannot give me an answer as to learning to drive a stick shift until MARCH, how long will it take for him to decide to have a child? (And maybe he can’t be selfless enough for that, anyway - oh, please PLEASE PLEASE pray for us.)

We are going to counseling, but he is pinning this all on me as being too needy. The counselor sides with me. I have never felt the total acceptance of a family, and I might never (Oh please help me - I feel so left out of the human FAMILY). I have a PhD, 150 K in savings, no debt, 2 cars, bought and sold a house, a good job, a music minister - I don’t need a man for that, believe me, and I’d trade it all in a flash. I just want to know that I BELONG somewhere. I feel so very cheated in life.

Oh, and this weekend, the 4th after we were married, he decided to stay home and go to church with his dad, rather than wait until Sun evening and go with me. I just cannot bear going to church alone. His mom NEVER goes to church.

Oh PLEASE HELP ME - SEND PRAYERS. Everything HURTS.

 

[dianaballein]

• I am sending up prayer after prayer for you, my dear…these revelations are heartbreaking, and I ache for you. I commend you for wanting to stay the course. If I had all of these things facing me, I don’t think I could. I would view them as grounds for annulment because it seems your husband masked the real man behind the mask…otherwise, if he didn’t, and you knew about all of these things, then you went into the marriage knowing what he was going to be about.

Either way the picture is painted, I am praying for you.*

 

[Cat]

Thank you “Thou” for the smile…

I came on here tonight VERY despondent and hurting terribly, and this little quip lightened my mood - a little!

Please, please, please - continue to pray for my husband and me. There are other issues that have surfaced (cannot bring myself to post them here) - but basically, I’m am terrified that he is unable to live a “normal” life of making decisions / commitments (ex., I asked him if he wanted to learn to drive a stick shift, and he said he would let me know in MARCH.)

We are both 36 - I see almost NO chance of ever living in a real house (we are both hard workers with more than enough money to buy a house), and certainly NO HOPE of children. If he cannot give me an answer as to learning to drive a stick shift until MARCH, how long will it take for him to decide to have a child? (And maybe he can’t be selfless enough for that, anyway - oh, please PLEASE PLEASE pray for us.)

We are going to counseling, but he is pinning this all on me as being too needy. The counselor sides with me. I have never felt the total acceptance of a family, and I might never (Oh please help me - I feel so left out of the human FAMILY). I have a PhD, 150 K in savings, no debt, 2 cars, bought and sold a house, a good job, a music minister - I don’t need a man for that, believe me, and I’d trade it all in a flash. I just want to know that I BELONG somewhere. I feel so very cheated in life.

Oh, and this weekend, the 4th after we were married, he decided to stay home and go to church with his dad, rather than wait until Sun evening and go with me. I just cannot bear going to church alone. His mom NEVER goes to church.

Oh PLEASE HELP ME - SEND PRAYERS. Everything HURTS.

Is there a mature Christian woman that you trust that you can go to for prayer, sympathy, and hugs (and possibly as a safe haven if the need arises)?

I hope so. You are bearing a heavy load, and it would be nice if someone else (a real person, not just all of us internet friends) could be by your side.

If you don’t have a mature woman friend to go to, perhaps your priest could recommend someone in your parish who could help you get through this.

I’ll say prayers for you throughout the day. I’m so sorry that all of this is pressing down on you. You seem like a person that many of us would love to be friends with. And your husband sounds like he is possibly suffering from a mental or emotional illness–praying for him, too.

 

[Jesus_N_Cherie]

Tiger Kitty, can you private message me to tell me where you live? The reason I ask this is, there are very Catholic organizations that might be much more of a help to you then what you will find in a questions / answers forum on the internet. Sometimes, you need a hug. Sometimes you need a hand to hold on to as you cry.

You are in prayers, and that is a lot. But you feel very isolated, if I am reading your words correctly. And the truth is, there are plenty of people who would love to reach out to you and help you through this with their physical presence.

You ask for our prayers. I am telling you that the BEST thing you can do in this situation is sit in front of JESUS, exposed in the Eucharist in the Blessed Sacrament. If there is a Perpetual Adoration Chapel, that would be best. Go. If you can’t stay for an hour, give the time to Him that you are able. Go frequently. Every single time you feel overwhelmed would be fantastic. Jesus is truly present in the Eucharist. HE is waiting for you. This is much more than He would have you handle alone, without Him or His Mother…no matter how often you talk to people on this forum.

I am not copping out on you. Unless the hurricane heading to the gulf comes to louisiana and I have absolutely no way of corresponding with you, I will be here for you to talk to. But there is JESUS, and He is the be All, end All to this situation for you. And He wants you. PM me, and I will try to find the best places for you to go in your area.
You are in my prayers, and I am sure of many others on this thread. I am heartily sorry that you are having to go through this…and even more so that you seem to be going through it alone.
I wish that there was more that I could do. Please pray that my kids and I will not have to evacuate because of the storm heading out to the Gulf of Mexico. I just had a major operation, and I have 5 more weeks of recovery. Travelling to God knows where without a man with us, with 4 kids…3 of them boys 6, 7, & 8 years old…plus 2 dogs is going to be very difficult. so please also pray for us.

Remember, Jesus loves you, and He is with you and your husband.
Cherie

 

[Rach620]

Ok, the rule about when he will or will not have relations with you just set off alarm bells for me. This is not normal behavior and can’t be excused by “that’s just the way he is.” Why would you even have a rule like that?

Agreed. As an NFP user, I can’t imagine even having the “luxury” of adding that stipulation to the instructions!

OP: You really should talk to your DH about this, and ask WHY he feels this way. Try to emphasize that, as his wife, you care about him and want to understand him and what makes him feel most loved…and then share your feelings of rejection and try to explain how physical intimacy (besides AND including sex) is important to you.

Marriage is an adjustment (less than one month newlywed here!). It took us a few nights to get a good night’s sleep in the same bed. It takes some work–it’s strange to me that he would ‘give up’ on it so quickly. Try talking it out–maybe he’ll realize how his actions are making his wife feel.

 

[lotusblossom]

TigerKitty, praying for you and your husband and healing where ever it be needed .

 

[Ray_Scheel]

but basically, I’m am terrified that he is unable to live a “normal” life of making decisions / commitments (ex., I asked him if he wanted to learn to drive a stick shift, and he said he would let me know in MARCH.)

I would talk to a priest or (preferably) someone with your diocese’s tribunal office ASAP and relay all that has been dropped on you only after the wedding (and quite frankly I would start looking at what would be required as far pursing a civil annulment).

Considering your strong expressions for wanting to belong, and since you don’t mention having any sign of these concerns before your wedding, I am wondering if you pursued a marriage for the sake of being married and ignored some big warning signs until you realized just how mentally hobbled your partner is as far as responding to changes. Outside of fraud on his part, some of these issues and intentions to not join with you should have come up in your marriage preparation. In my case I found out much later (years) that the priest had some of the same reservations that had led me to delay the wedding by a few months, but he thought (as did I) that our respective level of faith would carry us past it (neither of us realizing just how much my ex kept hidden or denied until after we tried to join in the common life and the deception could no longer be hidden).
I do agree and reiterate the need for you to get some meat life support as you face this. I know this is going to be hard for you to hear, but (based on my own experience) that he is already trying to pin responsibility for his unreasonable behaviors on you (and the pattern of within those behaviors of him acting to distance himself from you) suggests that your best bet is going to be getting out of this as quickly as you can get affirmation to do so from within the Church.

 

[newbetx]

I would talk to a priest or (preferably) someone with your diocese’s tribunal office ASAP and relay all that has been dropped on you only after the wedding (and quite frankly I would start looking at what would be required as far pursing a civil annulment).

Oh, please! A tad early to be giving up. Maybe he is a bit OCish. Maybe it’s just hard to change old habits and perceptions of the world. But it’s never a “perfect” relationship. If he’s not abusive, she’s in no danger. Certainly OUR view of what we know here is that things aren’t as WE would expect. HE likely has a far different view of the situation and needs to comprehend all that he’s going to miss if he doesn’t change those perceptions. SHE needs help/advice on how to do that not a recommendation to toss this one overboard and start fishing again. She would not have married the man if he had no redeeming value.

TK, You know this man more than any of us. You know his strengths. It appears that he is working on things albeit slowly. There is always a “step back” in any process to move forward. My prayers are with you, but please be patient. It takes time. Keep showing the love and with time, I’m sure he will show it back. The fact that he’s in his mid 30s and just now getting married would make it seem to me that he’s had a rough go of things in his past. It takes time to work these things out.

I’d suggest maybe a newly married encounter weekend or something to help break the ice, so to speak. Some spouses never want counselling, so if he goes, at least that’s positive. But it may make him harder to deal with if he’s even more defensive after the session. If you can’t find a marrage encounter, maybe 10 Great Dates program. No touchy feely with other people. Just you two.

 

[Ray_Scheel]

It appears that he is working on things albeit slowly. Keep showing the love and with time, I’m sure he will show it back.

Trying to present her as being “too needy” despite their counselor not agreeing and declaring that he won’t give an answer to a simple question until MARCH looked to me a lot more like he is already making excuses not to work on things.

I’ll admit there is quite a bit of BTDT personal experience in my take as far as familiarity with the “distancing” behaviors her husband is displaying and the negative response that built up to showing love over time, so my comments may be colored by some wondering on my part about what might have been if I’d paid more attention tot he inclination I felt towards bailing out early in that attempt at marriage. I held out for 7 years, until she finally filed a fabricated CPS report as her pretext for leaving. Her trying to keep the kids from me was an extension of how she’d been using distancing herself to control me (until that quit working as she couldn’t get any colder to me even if she left despite my having run myself ragged trying to hold things together).

 

[dianaballein]

I don’t view the OP as needy at all. I ache for the things she is being asked to do or accept by her husband. Ache.

 

[duskyjewel]

I wouldn’t be surprised if there are more wierd, distancing things coming in the future,

Something is WRONG with this guy! Every alarm bell I have is going off. There is definitely something wierd going on, and I have a terrible feeling you may have just married someone you literally know nothing about.

I think over the next few weeks you may be witnessing more stuff that leads you to an attorney and the Church asking how to annul this marriage. A guy who starts his marriage this way does not have anything good waiting in the wings for when he is more settled and comfortable.

Man… I am sorry to have called this one so accurately! After TigerKitty was here last, she sounded hopeful and like he was willing to work on their issues.

I’m afraid I agree with Ray_Scheel… TigerKitty, you have only been married a few weeks, and he’s blaming this stuff on you? Disparaging you by calling you “too needy?” People who love their spouse and really want to make marriage work listen to a counselor who tells them what they need to work on. People who are invested in marriage show they care about it and want what is best for their spouse. Your husband is doing none of that. One person alone cannot make a marriage work. They might be able to keep an appearance of peace by sacrificing everything they are, all they ever wanted, and any hope of partnership or support, but that is not a marriage. Sounds more like a prison…

I am so sorry, TigerKitty. :console:

 

[estesbob]

Man… I am sorry to have called this one so accurately! After TigerKitty was here last, she sounded hopeful and like he was willing to work on their issues.

I’m afraid I agree with Ray_Scheel… TigerKitty, you have only been married a few weeks, and he’s blaming this stuff on you? Disparaging you by calling you “too needy?” People who love their spouse and really want to make marriage work listen to a counselor who tells them what they need to work on. People who are invested in marriage show they care about it and want what is best for their spouse. Your husband is doing none of that. One person alone cannot make a marriage work. They might be able to keep an appearance of peace by sacrificing everything they are, all they ever wanted, and any hope of partnership or support, but that is not a marriage. Sounds more like a prison…

I am so sorry, TigerKitty. :console:

**WOW ** you’re on a roll! This is the second time today you have recommended somebody end their marriage. Are you a divorce lawyer?

 

[duskyjewel]

I was just thinking that… No, I am not a lawyer.

I am a person who doesn’t think women should sacrifice themselves trying to fix abusers or hopelessly broken men. There are things that can be worked out in marriages, and things that cannot! I think TigerKitty has been the victim of fraud. Would you advise someone who was the victim of a massive fraud to remain in that marriage?

 

[dianaballein]

I was just thinking that… No, I am not a lawyer.

I am a person who doesn’t think women should sacrifice themselves trying to fix abusers or hopelessly broken men. There are things that can be worked out in marriages, and things that cannot! I think TigerKitty has been the victim of fraud. Would you advise someone who was the victim of a massive fraud to remain in that marriage?

AMEN! Good response.