Newly married with NFP struggles

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monorail

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Hi everyone…

I guess I feel a little embarrassed asking this, but is it normal to have to abstain 3 out of 4 weeks every cycle? We are using the sympto-thermal method taught by the Couple to Couple League.

We abstain during phase I because of menses, and then several days of spotting afterwards which makes it difficult to tell whether there’s any mucus. Then, after the 7 day mucus patch and 3-4 day waiting period, we’re already up to day 20 and have 5 or so “green” days before it starts over again.

Before I learned anything about NFP, I guess I imagined we’d only be abstaining maybe a week every cycle. We’ve only been married two months, and this is already starting to become a struggle…
 
While I do not use STM, I understand that it takes into consideration different indicators - temp and cervical position in addition to mucous observation.

Perhaps have your teaching couple look over your charts. Over on another catholic website, there is a private NFP forum, there may be some experts who could assist over there.
 
Hi,

I think it’s definitely time to get some expert (name removed by moderator)ut; kage_ar’s suggestions are excellent. You may also want to look into some of the newer fertility monitors for a little extra assistance, as well.

God bless; I know it can be very difficult, particularly when you are learning the method, and new at being married at the same time.
 
Hi. This is Mrs. Dad_o_six. First congratulations on your marriage. Second, I also congratulate you on sticking with NFP even when it seems rather crazy. Now, I’m going to direct you to better and accurate information than given to you by the CCL. Head on over to NFPandmore.org. This is a site set up by John and Sheila Kippley, the founders of CCL, and the “directions” are much easier to follow. The CCL classes are designed to teach couples ALL the rules and, I admit, it is very confusing. What they don’t tell you—pick a rule that works best for you. Here’s a primer—the idea is for you and your wife to figure out when phase 1 ends and when phase 3 begins. How you determine when Phase 1 begins is really up to you. You can use any of the rules that you are comfortable with. The same applies to Phase 3 rules–figure out what works best for you. As a side note, many people find the Sympto-Thermal Method confusing. You and your wife may find the Billings Ovulation Method works better for you and is just as effective. BOM relies on mucous instead of temperatures. FWIW, once you learn how everything works, you should be having more fun. :o
 
monorail said:
Hi everyone…

I guess I feel a little embarrassed asking this, but is it normal to have to abstain 3 out of 4 weeks every cycle? We are using the sympto-thermal method taught by the Couple to Couple League.

We abstain during phase I because of menses, and then several days of spotting afterwards which makes it difficult to tell whether there’s any mucus. Then, after the 7 day mucus patch and 3-4 day waiting period, we’re already up to day 20 and have 5 or so “green” days before it starts over again.

Before I learned anything about NFP, I guess I imagined we’d only be abstaining maybe a week every cycle. We’ve only been married two months, and this is already starting to become a struggle…
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I see that you’re in the Oakland Diocese. I am too. By any chace were your teachers Dr and Mrs Lenz? If so, you can call them any time you want, or email Dr Lenz your charts.

I have been using STM for 23 months and I had trouble the first few cycles. They are more than willing to help you and to even meet with you to go over your charts.

If STM is of too much trouble, you can look into Creighton. There is a teacher in Dublin. I live in Antioch and had to drive there, but it was worth it because now I can recognize all the types of cervical mucus that you don’t get taught about in STM. I have her number and I also have Dr Lenz’s number and also their emails.

I don’t think it’s normal to be abstaining for so long. How long have you been practicing STM? If you and your spouse learned it before marriage, you can begin to recognize the infertile pattern and it requires less abstaining, but then again, you just got married (congratulations by the way) so that will mess up the cervical mucus a bit. Don’t give up though. After the 2nd cycle we began to identify that I ovulate late so my phase I is longer than cycle day 6…

If you have any questions, you can PM me.
 
I’ve heard that using NFP can be very hard at first, but that it gets much easier (with much less abstaining) as time goes on.
 
Warning: Potential TMI ahead.

I don’t think it’s normal, but DH and I are in a similar situation. My mucus sign isn’t very clear. Since my cycles are generally short, we have to use end of menses as the start of phase 2. Because the mucus sign is unclear, we have to wait 4 days after seeing the peak temperature (the temp-only method). That leaves less than 10 days usually, out of 22 to 28 normally, that are “available” unless we don’t abstain during menses.

We’ve been able to add one more day to this, as I’ve recognized some secondary signs that make peak day pretty blatant for us and we use those in place of the mucus sign for peak day (so technically we are breaking the rules). But we’re still abstaining over 50% of the time.

It does get easier (speaking from almost 4 years experience, so not exactly a long marriage yet 🙂 . What we lack in quantity of available days, we make up for in quality. It really is an ongoing honeymoon effect for our marriage. We’ve gone through phases when we didn’t need to abstain, and our sex life really did take a dip during those times.
 
kage_ar said:
While I do not use STM, I understand that it takes into consideration different indicators - temp and cervical position in addition to mucous observation.

Perhaps have your teaching couple look over your charts. Over on another catholic website, there is a private NFP forum, there may be some experts who could assist over there.
Click to expand...
Your struggle with NFP sounds futile. Perhaps you should give up and just accept new life into your family.
 
mpi said:
Your struggle with NFP sounds futile. Perhaps you should give up and just accept new life into your family.
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Think you may have meant to quote someone else? I have no struggle 🙂
 
I second the recommendation of calling your teacher, and continuing your NFP education. I wouldn’t limit yourself to the one (CCL) resource… there are many ways you can continue your NFP education. Check out the following resources:
nfpandmore.com/
tcoyf.com/ (not catholic, so be cautious to not listen to the recommendation of using barrier method during fertile time)

Also, if you’re having a difficult time reading your mucous sign, consider checking internally, and also be sure to use your cervical position sign! I find this to be the MOST useful!!

HTH a little! It does get easier with time because after a while you’ll learn your own cycle a little better and, if necessary, find days when you can more confidently break some of the “rules”.
mpi said:
Your struggle with NFP sounds futile. Perhaps you should give up and just accept new life into your family.
Click to expand...
That doesn’t sound very charitable toward someone who’s looking for help… you don’t know their reasons for using NFP. Please consider having a little empathy. :o
 
monorail said:
Hi everyone…

I guess I feel a little embarrassed asking this, but is it normal to have to abstain 3 out of 4 weeks every cycle? We are using the sympto-thermal method taught by the Couple to Couple League.
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Hi there - congratulations on your marriage!

First off I agree with the other posters that it sounds like you’re having difficulty working out when the safe days at the end of Phase I are, and the best way to solve that problem is to take/send your charts to someone who’s experienced.

(By the way, I started off with STM but got fed up with the temp-taking, so now I use Billings.)

On the “numbers” side, we usually have 3 or 4 days ‘available’ (alternate evenings) after my period before fertile mucus turns up (we often use the ‘spotting’ days, assuming you mean the same thing as I do by ‘spotting’!), then around 10 days abstaining before about 8 days of Phase III, so we typically abstain for about 2.5 weeks in total, but usually not more than 10 days at a time.

However, in the first couple of months after we got married I was very nervous about the fertile time and so we would abstain extra days for safety and back then we were abstaining 3 weeks out of 4.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is it’s normal to be unsure to start with (it took a chat with a teacher to make me more comfortable) and that just having a couple of days available at the end of Phase I makes a huge difference to how easy it is to abstain, so do get some advice on your charts!

Best of luck 🙂
Tinajo
 
I have inconclusive mucus signs, so I use the 20/21-day rule or the Doering rule to find the end of Phase I. Are you familiar with those rules, and do you have enough experience to use them yet? They’re very helpful if you’re not sure that you’re reading your mucus signs right.
 
monorail said:
Hi everyone…

I guess I feel a little embarrassed asking this, but is it normal to have to abstain 3 out of 4 weeks every cycle? We are using the sympto-thermal method taught by the Couple to Couple League.

We abstain during phase I because of menses, and then several days of spotting afterwards which makes it difficult to tell whether there’s any mucus. Then, after the 7 day mucus patch and 3-4 day waiting period, we’re already up to day 20 and have 5 or so “green” days before it starts over again.

Before I learned anything about NFP, I guess I imagined we’d only be abstaining maybe a week every cycle. We’ve only been married two months, and this is already starting to become a struggle…
Click to expand...
One suggestion is to stop struggling with abstinence during NFP. Just accept new life, if it comes.
 
monorail said:
Before I learned anything about NFP, I guess I imagined we’d only be abstaining maybe a week every cycle. We’ve only been married two months, and this is already starting to become a struggle…
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Follow your conscience.
 
Em_in_FL said:
I second the recommendation of calling your teacher, and continuing your NFP education. I wouldn’t limit yourself to the one (CCL) resource… there are many ways you can continue your NFP education. Check out the following resources:
nfpandmore.com/
tcoyf.com/ (not catholic, so be cautious to not listen to the recommendation of using barrier method during fertile time)

Also, if you’re having a difficult time reading your mucous sign, consider checking internally, and also be sure to use your cervical position sign! I find this to be the MOST useful!!

HTH a little! It does get easier with time because after a while you’ll learn your own cycle a little better and, if necessary, find days when you can more confidently break some of the “rules”.

That doesn’t sound very charitable toward someone who’s looking for help… you don’t know their reasons for using NFP. Please consider having a little empathy. :o
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Respectfully,

You say that I don’t sound charitable. I think you sound judgemental. I guess that makes us even.
 
Em_in_FL said:
I second the recommendation of calling your teacher, and continuing your NFP education. I wouldn’t limit yourself to the one (CCL) resource… there are many ways you can continue your NFP education. Check out the following resources:
nfpandmore.com/
tcoyf.com/ (not catholic, so be cautious to not listen to the recommendation of using barrier method during fertile time)

Also, if you’re having a difficult time reading your mucous sign, consider checking internally, and also be sure to use your cervical position sign! I find this to be the MOST useful!!

HTH a little! It does get easier with time because after a while you’ll learn your own cycle a little better and, if necessary, find days when you can more confidently break some of the “rules”.

That doesn’t sound very charitable toward someone who’s looking for help… you don’t know their reasons for using NFP. Please consider having a little empathy. :o
Click to expand...
How do you know that my advice to stop abstaining is not helpful?
 
Free_Radical said:
Follow your conscience.
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Follow your concience and Holy Mother Church you must mean.😉
I think the poster is following thier concience and is looking for some advice on an issue that thier concience has already led them to. They are looking for help not your agenda.
 
I’m gonna be honest with the OP. NFP is HARD I wish they (especially the CCL) would stop making it sound so simple. It requires resolve, prayer, forgivness, frustration and love. Along with a surrender of the situation. We took CCl classes 3 times, could teach them… , now we have the Lady Comp and it is a DAILY struggle, we can interpret signs and my wife is pretty regular. BUT… it is worth it. We have 2 kids that are NFP “mistakes” and we still use NFP it does work. We us Lady Comp and it has been good. Red lights mean abstain and green means go, yellow means be careful. We also use sympto with it. And one other thing here. CCL does use the "only 5 days a month you wont have sex as a selling point but it really is around12-14 days for most people. Honesty in NFP would be refreshing.
 
Matt33 said:
I’m gonna be honest with the OP. NFP is HARD I wish they (especially the CCL) would stop making it sound so simple. It requires resolve, prayer, forgivness, frustration and love. Along with a surrender of the situation. … And one other thing here. CCL does use the "only 5 days a month you wont have sex as a selling point but it really is around12-14 days for most people. Honesty in NFP would be refreshing.
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You make some good points here - using NFP when you have to avoid is one of those things in life which is hard work, and requires serious effort and commitment, but is worth it.

Do they really say only 5 days a month abstaining?! That sounds very unrealistic to me - I agree they should be more honest.
 
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