Newly wed contraception disagreement

[renee123]

I am recently married (I am 27 and he is 30). I am a Catholic and my husband is considering conversion but has disagreements with some of the teachings, mainly birth control/contraceptives. For example, at one point I was considering going on the pill because I have previously been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (diagnosed at 14) and pelvic inflammatory disease (diagnosed last year after kidney infection spread from not being seen about soon enough) and was told it would help with the pain during those times of the month. Then I found out how exactly the pill works and do not want to risk potentially aborting a child I wasn’t even aware of, so I decided to just deal with the pain instead. He thinks it’s crazy as it’s not an “actual abortion” for me to not take them if they will help, but has agreed it’s my body so my choice. Anyway when discussing this, I also brought up the fact that using condoms is a sin and I did not feel we should use them because 1. it puts a wall up between us as I feel wrong about it and 2. it is sort of like saying we know better than God when we should have a child and at most we should use NFP. To this his response was “Never gonna happen. I don’t do unplanned pregnancy” and then he went to bed. I was sort of shocked by his lack of even discussing it, since we usually do pretty good at talking out our differences. This time it was like I was basically told to shut up and deal with it. To add to the matter because of the PCOS and PID I have been told that it may be extremely difficult for me to concieve. I do have one child from a previous relationship of when I had fallen away from the Church (he is 4 now) but that was before the PID diagnosis which they said may have caused a lot of damage. I just don’t understand how he doesn’t see potential pregnancy (especially in cases where there are so many factors against it) to be a miracle and not a burden. He wants kids, but when he plans on it happening. Sorry this is so long, but it is driving me crazy. Any advice?

 

[His_helpmeet]

You might ask about his understanding of NFP. It is entirely possible that he is confusing NFP with the “rhythm” or “calendar” method. NFP today is based on physiologic signs rather than a calendar. You could go online or find an instructor and ask them to explain it further to him. Also, you might point out to him that the divorce rate for couples who practice NFP is substantially lower than for other couples (~10% compared to ~60%).

I have PCOS also, and have been able to pretty much regulate my cycles with metformin, a drug originally used to treat diabetes that has been shown to assist with fertility, and reduce risks for gestational and type 2 diabetes in women with PCOS. It is a category B drug for pregnancy (meaning “probably safe”) and the side effect profile is safer than that of the Pill. You might ask your physician about it.

Meanwhile, I would recommend that you pray about it. In such as case as yours, the Church considers the Pill to be morally licit because although it is an abortifacient, the reality is that many pregnancies are lost very early. Statistically, the estimated rate of pregnancy loss is ~30% (45% if you have PCOS and are not on metformin) but the reality is that we don’t know exactly how many miscarriages occur because sometimes a miscarriage may occur before a woman even realizes she is pregnant, and it may be passed off as a heavy, late period.

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. A side note - I knew a Catholic physician who practiced NFP with his wife after their 3rd child was born. In the 7 years since her birth, they had never conceived and all they were using was NFP.

 

[TylerJordan]

Pray to Mary. She is your Mother. She is in Heaven right now waiting for your prayers so She can tell Her Son.

Hail Mary…

 

[PennyinCanada]

Start NFP yourself and as you see how it works over the months, you can share your confidence in the method.

 

[BettyBoop416]

I guess it’s water under the bridge at this point, but I just have to ask. Didn’t it occur to discuss this before you got married?

 

[Abbigaelann]

I know of a Catholic lady that married a Protestant. He insisted ‘submit unto your husband’. She went through with his wishes, first trying the pill. He had to take her to the emergency room of a hospital as the lowest dose had elevated her bp to close to stroke. He then wanted her to try other means of contraception. She is allergic to Sulfa. She refused to get surgery performed (after 5 kids) as it was against her personal values and didn’t agree with him getting surgery. He got the surgery. They are now divorced (he was also physically, verbally, etc abusive to her and the kids).

 

[jesus4ever]

What people dont understand is that when you take these things it not good for the womens body. The body is always thinking that it’s pregnet so if a women is always taking these piles long for 9 months it just not healthy. I reckon alot of cancers happen from these pils and also stress and depretions.

 

[Ruthie_again]

Get him to an NFP class. Explain to him that he is telling you, “I love all of you - except your fertility,” and that that is not “true love.” With NFP, both of you make a sacrifice for the sake of your family. That sacrifice is abstaining during your fertile period.

Try to find a faithful Catholic doctor, one who is familiar with women’s reproductive issues. (Ask your parish priest; if he doesn’t know of any, ask your diocese.) There are some little-known treatments; the reason they are so “rare” is due to the promotion of the Pill by the culture of death. “The pill solves so many problems!” (But let’s forget about the link to cancer and blood clots, and the difficulties that many women who have taken it for many years are having conceiving, afterward.)

---

His_helpmeet is gravely mistaken.

the Church considers the Pill to be morally licit because although it is an abortifacient, the reality is that many pregnancies are lost very early.

The only time that the pill is considered licit is when it is used as the only solution for a grave medical problem. (Frequently it is prescribed in these cases because it is the easiest solution, not because it is the only one that works.) And then, only if it is one of the few that are not abortifacient, in other words that do not prevent the implantation of a fertilized egg into the uterine wall.

It is NOT, never, ever, allowed to be used purely as a contraceptive (which is what the husband wants.)

This has made me sad. One of the things we should know about each other before we marry is whether they accept, and will follow the Church’s teaching on contraceptives. I’m sorry that you didn’t know this about him; I’m even sorrier if he lied to you (or to himself) so that you would marry him.

Praying for you and him and your marriage,

 

[GRATEFULONEjim]

NFP…My wife and I have used this for 10 years. No, it is not easy. It takes a lot of plotting and planning. It allows both husband and wife to develop a relationship within marriage that is above just animal instinct. It promotes a closeness that can not be explained in words until it is experienced.

The hardest part of the whole process is for each person to get over the hedonistic need for sex and develop the temperance to engage when the time is right. In the secular world, where we are bombarded with the idea that sex is just for fun, stress relief, no big deal, etc… that is where the difference lies between people who live the Catholic faith and those who don’t…

Get a DVD on Theology of the Body and sit down with your husband and watch it a million times Go with your husband and talk with your priest. Get him to realize the importance of becoming a Catholic. He will then understand the reasoning behind the teachings of the Church.

Have my wife and I ever caved into relations with each other that have fallen outside of the teachings of the Church??? Sure; we are no different than any other couple with human frailties. We utilize the sacrament of reconciliation and strive to do better as we put God first in our lives.

Believe me…It is NOT going to happen over night. It takes a great deal of time and effort and understanding to even begin to modify behavior, but keep your eye on the prize. Be prepared to stumble, pull yourself up by God’s Grace, and begin anew. You will then begin to understand just how special, intimate, and satisfying sex is as God designed it.

 

[Viki63]

There’s something else to know about the pill. I was on it for 10 years, before I became a Catholic.
It dampens emotion, and leads to depression in many women. It can decrease libido. I didn’t realize it at the time, as the effects were subtle and I was probably depressed because it was a lousy relationship to start with, but when I stopped taking the pill it was as if my emotions were suddenly released.
It’s not worth the risk, in addition to being a sin.

 

[Lasting_faith]

If you love each other, this matter will not be a problem.

I am not in favor about NFP because each child is a gift from God and we should not do anything to alter that. But The RCC say that NFP is allright so I must agree.

“The pill” is not 100% safe. It do prevent pregnancy, but may cause disorder in your hormonal balance, as it is a product made to affect hormonal function, namely, hinder pregnancy. Every time we mess around with our body it comes with a risk. There is not one single curative that is absolutely safe and have no side effects. Our body is a “masterpiece” made by God, made to last a lifetime, and we should leave it like that as long as we do not have to correct something, and I mean illness or damage. So I am against “the pill”.

But, and I not writing as a Catholic now. There are certain conditions when a pregrancy is a big danger. So can we trust NFP? Alas, we can not. A Catholic marriage is a marriage valid first when it has been consumed, that mean that in some rare cases the benefit given by contraceptives are higher then the risk of becoming pregnant. (This is a topic doctors often come across.) I see this as a problem The Church must at some point think about, but the time is not now. Would I prescribe contraceptives? No, I would not, but only for medical reasons, a hormonal product, designed to prevent pregnancy is not that safe. When a doctor ponder risk/benefit factors, it is important to be very carefull. (I do not treat people with this kind of dilemma.) But the truth is that because NFP is not absolutely without a flaw and “the pill” not absolutely safe I would recomend some other form of contraceptive.

And, once again writing as a Catholic, feels good, I trust in God.

 

[Cojuanco]

For reasons unrelated to contraception, I believe the pill is allowed as a medication off-label; but I would honestly speak to your priest about that.

As to your husband’s seeming intransigence, I would like to humbly leave for reference this passage from the Vademecum for Confessors:

vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/family/documents/rc_pc_family_doc_12021997_vademecum_en.html

1. Special difficulties are presented by cases of cooperation in the sin of a spouse who voluntarily renders the unitive act infecund. In the first place, it is necessary to distinguish cooperation in the proper sense, from violence or unjust imposition on the part of one of the spouses, which the other spouse in fact cannot resist.This cooperation can be licit when the three following conditions are jointly met: when the action of the cooperating spouse is not already illicit in itself; when proportionally grave reasons exist for cooperating in the sin of the other spouse; when one is seeking to help the other spouse to desist from such conduct (patiently, with prayer, charity and dialogue; although not necessarily in that moment, nor on every single occasion).

Of course, in any case, you would not be allowed to use ABC anyway (not that you would).

Of course, we ought to pray in these situations that God may grant the gift of faith in the teachings of the Church to those near us.

 

[JackieMom]

His_helpmeet is gravely mistaken.
The only time that the pill is considered licit is when it is used as the only solution for a grave medical problem. (Frequently it is prescribed in these cases because it is the easiest solution, not because it is the only one that works.) And then, only if it is one of the few that are not abortifacient, in other words that do not prevent the implantation of a fertilized egg into the uterine wall.

,

You are mistaken as well. There is no prerequisite that a medical condition be “grave” before using fertility-impairing medication. And there is no ban on medications that could potentially cause a fertilized egg to not implant.

Furthermore, although it is bandied about CAF as rock-solid truth, there is no proof that the pill causes abortions. The pill woeks by suppressing ovulation all together. If women take the pill incorrectly (skipping days, taking it at different times of the day, using antibiotics, etc.) then a pregnancy may occur. I am not aware of any research that indicates that these conceptions are more often lost than other conceptions. As it is, a large percentage of blastocysts are lost before a woman even realizes she is pregnant, pill or no pill. Probably every married woman here has “miscarried” many.

This is not to say that ABC is okay to use, because it’s not. But the reason The Church says it’s not is because it frustrates the natural order of human intercourse and separates the two goods achieved by the marital embrace, not because of auxilliary issues like the theoretical fear of lost unimplanted blastocysts.

 

[CatholicRaven]

Were you married in the Catholic Church? Because I thought this was supposed to be covered in pre-Cana.

In any case, I would suggest speaking to your priest or spiritual advisor for advice. Also, if it’s possible for you to go to one, a NFP-only physician may be able to offer alternative treatments (and if not, then evaluate whether you prefer to handle the pain or not).

Most likely, you should not deny your husband sex even when he chooses to frustrate the unitive and procreative aspects with condoms or other forms of contraception. As long as you have made your own views clear to him (and it sounds like you have), you will not have sinned. But you can’t force him to listen to the Church, or to God.

My concern is the “I don’t do unplanned pregnancy” comment. What happens if the contraception fails? Will he expect you to get an abortion? Will he leave if you don’t?

I think these are important issues you need to discuss–but gently, respectfully, and prayerfully, not accusingly.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I am recently married (I am 27 and he is 30). I am a Catholic** and my husband is considering conversion but has disagreements with some of the teachings, mainly birth control/contraceptives**. For example, at one point I was considering going on the pill because I have previously been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (diagnosed at 14) and pelvic inflammatory disease (diagnosed last year after kidney infection spread from not being seen about soon enough) and was told it would help with the pain during those times of the month. Then I found out how exactly the pill works and do not want to risk potentially aborting a child I wasn’t even aware of, so I decided to just deal with the pain instead. He thinks it’s crazy as it’s not an “actual abortion” for me to not take them if they will help, but has agreed it’s my body so my choice. Anyway when discussing this, I also brought up the fact that using condoms is a sin and I did not feel we should use them because 1. it puts a wall up between us as I feel wrong about it and 2. it is sort of like saying we know better than God when we should have a child and at most we should use NFP. To this his response was “Never gonna happen. I don’t do unplanned pregnancy” and then he went to bed. I was sort of shocked by his lack of even discussing it, since we usually do pretty good at talking out our differences. This time it was like I was basically told to shut up and deal with it. To add to the matter because of the PCOS and PID I have been told that it may be extremely difficult for me to concieve. I do have one child from a previous relationship of when I had fallen away from the Church (he is 4 now) but that was before the PID diagnosis which they said may have caused a lot of damage. I just don’t understand how he doesn’t see potential pregnancy (especially in cases where there are so many factors against it) to be a miracle and not a burden. He wants kids, but when he plans on it happening. Sorry this is so long, but it is driving me crazy. Any advice?

Sure wish you’d gotten this all worked out before you married him… It’s obviously going to be a problem and there may not be a solution. His attitude is 180 from what the Church teaches. Did you do pre-Cana classes together? Did you think that he would change his mind? I am so sorry, and I will add you to my prayers. I haven’t seen too many of these situations come out well.

 

[Cojuanco]

I wondered that, too. He ostensibly knew what he was getting into, and that his wife would take these things seriously.

Anyway, I urge you to talk to your priest, even if by yourself. He will likely know better than us laymen.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

You are mistaken as well. There is no prerequisite that a medical condition be “grave” before using fertility-impairing medication. And there is no ban on medications that could potentially cause a fertilized egg to not implant.

Furthermore, although it is bandied about CAF as rock-solid truth, there is no proof that the pill causes abortions. The pill woeks by suppressing ovulation all together. If women take the pill incorrectly (skipping days, taking it at different times of the day, using antibiotics, etc.) then a pregnancy may occur. I am not aware of any research that indicates that these conceptions are more often lost than other conceptions. As it is, a large percentage of blastocysts are lost before a woman even realizes she is pregnant, pill or no pill. Probably every married woman here has “miscarried” many.

This is not to say that ABC is okay to use, because it’s not. But the reason The Church says it’s not is because it frustrates the natural order of human intercourse and separates the two goods achieved by the marital embrace, not because of auxilliary issues like the theoretical fear of lost unimplanted blastocysts.

I think this MD explains it pretty well [lifeissues.org/abortifacients/pill.html ](MD on Abortifacient aspect of pilll) (and the fact that our body miscarries naturally does not change the fact that the pharmaceuticals have purposefully added the functionality of altering the lining to reduce the probability of implantation, which could cause a non-natural abortion. According to what I have read, I agree with you, it seems like there are no studies out there to tell us how often those abortions do happen, but that does not change that the functionality was added for that purpose.

If you look up the inserts from bc pills you will see they do include this as a functionality in their product. Here is one example: accessdata.fda.gov/drugsatfda_docs/label/2005/021690lbl.pdf

I thought this was interesting (can be found on the Vatican’s site:
CONGREGATION FOR THE DOCTRINE OF THE FAITH
INSTRUCTION DIGNITAS PERSONAE
ON CERTAIN BIOETHICAL QUESTIONS)

New forms of interception and contragestation

1. Alongside methods of preventing pregnancy which are, properly speaking, contraceptive, that is, which prevent conception following from a sexual act, there are other technical means which act after fertilization, when the embryo is already constituted, either before or after implantation in the uterine wall. Such methods are interceptive if they interfere with the embryo before implantation and contragestative if they cause the elimination of the embryo once implanted.

In order to promote wider use of interceptive methods,[43] it is sometimes stated that the way in which they function is not sufficiently understood. It is true that there is not always complete knowledge of the way that different pharmaceuticals operate, but scientific studies indicate that the effect of inhibiting implantation is certainly present, even if this does not mean that such interceptives cause an abortion every time they are used, also because conception does not occur after every act of sexual intercourse. It must be noted, however, that anyone who seeks to prevent the implantation of an embryo which may possibly have been conceived and who therefore either requests or prescribes such a pharmaceutical, generally intends abortion.

When there is a delay in menstruation, a contragestative is used,[44] usually one or two weeks after the non-occurrence of the monthly period. The stated aim is to re-establish menstruation, but what takes place in reality is the abortion of an embryo which has just implanted.

As is known, abortion is “the deliberate and direct killing, by whatever means it is carried out, of a human being in the initial phase of his or her existence, extending from conception to birth”.[45] Therefore, the use of means of interception and contragestation fall within the sin of abortion and are gravely immoral. Furthermore, when there is certainty that an abortion has resulted, there are serious penalties in canon law.[46]

Also, the reason people can use ABC for therapeutic reasons is the principle of double effect, which requires for the user to have a proportionately grave reason… so, while I do agree that the Church does allow to use a medication with contraception as an unintended side-effect to treat a bodily disease, it doesn’t really teach that any reason can be ok (OP, I am not attempting to evaluate your situation, just clarifying in general). Criteria for principle of double effect:

1. the act to be done must be good in itself or at least morally indifferent; by the act to be done is meant the deed itself taken independently of its consequences;
2. the good effect must not be obtained by means of the evil effect; the evil must be only an incidental by-product and not an actual factor in the accomplishment of the good;
3. the evil effect must not be intended for itself but only permitted; all bad will must be excluded form the act;
   ** 4. there must be a proportionately grave reason for permitting the evil effect. **

 

[renee123]

Thank you all for your responses. Yes, this was discussed prior to us getting married and he said he was iffy about it. As he continued to learn more about the faith, he said he was really starting to see how right the Church teachings are. This is where I guess I failed because I assumed that included contraception. As far as the “he doesn’t do unplanned pregnancy” comment goes, I was pretty concerned about that too. We discussed it more this morning and he said he will love any child that may come along planned or not, but won’t risk the chance of it happening if he can help it. He works from 6am-10pm 6 days a week, so getting him into a NFP class is next to impossible. (With his schedule, we barely had time to get married lol.) I will be looking to see if there is some sort of online course he may be able to do on Sundays (his day off). I will sit down with the priest and see what he says. Also, I like the idea of me going ahead and practicing NFP on my end so that he can get a better understanding of it that way. I will definitely keep praying and try to find a doctor who understands my position on this a little better. Whether the pill in this circumstance would be considered licit or not, the night after I left the doctor when she prescribed the pill to me, I had a horrible nightmare about black wolves attacking a camp of small children and I was trying to fight the wolves off with a spear. It was a really terrifying dream and as crazy as this may sound, I woke up feeling like God was telling me to protect the life of children at all costs, to include not taking anything to prevent that life. I will continue to pray, and as my husband still continues to learn about the Church and her teachings hopefully he will find the same faith in ALL the truths of the Church, not all except this. Thank you everyone!

 

[Buck_Crosswhite]

Your marriage is invalid. Get an annulment and a Catholic husband.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I’m mentioning this for anyone dating and interested in this topic…
The discussion of birth control and Catholic teaching is a conversation you have* before you get engaged.* It is part of the discernment process. You talk about it before getting engaged, not after deciding to get married and the ring is on the finger, the dress is ordered, and deposits are put on everything. That is already too much pressure to move forward with the plans. Talk about this before getting engaged.