Newly wed with an Alcoholic Husband

[1ke]

When I decided that I should give him a fair chance and began to date him March 2017, he told me that we had to marry soon or I’d never see him again because he was upset that I wouldn’t commit to a formal relationship.

Red flag #1.

wo months into our relationship, we began to plan our wedding.

Red flag #2. I am shocked your priest agreed to a hasty marriage.

He is considerably older (15 years older),

Red flag #3.

a month after we married, he went out with his cousins and came home extremely drunk and angry. He yelled all the curse words he knew and kept brushing me away when I confronted him about his behavior.

Red flag #4. I promise you this is NOT new behavior. NOT out of nowhere. Narcissists hide who they really are. Whirlwind courtships and outward portrayal of being the perfect mate are hallmarks of narcissists and others with personality disorders.

I’m starting to think that he’s always had an addiction to alcohol, but he never told me or demonstrated that he was.

YEP.

I moved back with my parents after consulting with a priest.

Stay strong and stay away. I am very sorry this happened to you. He is not going to change. Don’t count on it, hope for it, or keep believing it. This is a predator. He isolated you and found someone very young and inexperienced to prey on.

I’m not sure what to do. I didn’t get married expecting that it would be easy, but this has just become unbearable.

Move forward with separation, and hopefully a decree of nullity.

I was a coward for not being there for him when he needs me;

Typical narcissist behavior-- it’s all about him.

I think, for financial reasons, that I will file for divorce. I know that that does not dissolve our sacramental union. The priest I consulted (who is a close family friend) studied cannon law in Rome and said that based on what I told him that I should begin the process to declare my marriage null once the civil union has been dissolved. Should I? Or should I remain faithful to my vows and help him out of his addiction?

I agree with your priest. He has some sort of major psychological problem, and you are not going to change that. No, you should not “remain faithful” to vows in what is very likely an invalid attempt at marriage.

 

[1ke]

They met 4 years ago. She did everything right–she waited to date him, went on a few dates to get to know him, and then started a more serious dating relationship.

If she is just now finishing university, that means she was 17 or 18 and he was 32 or 33 when they “met”. So, yeah, “waiting” to date him. Why would an 18 year old want to date a 33 year old to start with? They wouldn’t. Accepting his advances 4 years later, and 21 or 22, was probably not smart in light of the fact that he’d been hitting on her since she was basically a teenager. The rushing and putting pressure on her to commit up front and plan their wedding starting 2 months in were major red flags a woman with more dating experience would have recognized for what it was-- a major red flag.

 

[alice24]

If she is just now finishing university, that means she was 17 or 18 and he was 32 or 33 when they “met”.

… We don’t know this, master degrees for example are not done with 22.
It doesn’t matter and it doesn’t help to blame her. It may was naive, but she seeks help now and hopefully will see everything clear more and more with more distance.

 

[1ke]

I’m not blaming her. What i was pointing out is that the other poster made it sound like she took her time over 4 years. No, she didn’t. As someone 18-20 years old being hit on by someone over 30, she said no. Four years later he came back. We don’t know why she said “yes” that time-- but he pushed her into a whirlwind romance/marriage.

 

[TheLittleLady]

The landlord has raised concerns about him not paying rent on time. He says he’s hard at work but there’s never enough money in the house to pay for the few bills we have.

Alcohol is not cheap, and it can increase the appetite so you spend more on food.

I’m starting to think that he’s always had an addiction to alcohol, but he never told me or demonstrated that he was.

Have you asked his cousins? His parents? His siblings? Best friends?

Please, get safe. Also, you might want to go to Al Anon (for families of alcoholics)

 

[Fatima48]

I appreciate everyone’s words. This is helping me realize that the premature decision I made to marry him was naive.

I knew that both his brothers and other family members had problems abusing alcohol but I figured that because he appeared to be a good laymember and was active in many ministries in the church that he wouldn’t fall into that pattern. I’m upset with my in-laws for concealing this information from me. My mother-in-law spoke with me a few days ago and apologized for not letting us know about this sooner.

I am safe living with my parents and I’ve petitioned for divorce.

 

[His_helpmeet]

Good.

Just so you know, 90% of alcoholics are “functional alcoholics”. They have jobs. They have families. They live in regular homes. They’re not on skid row.

If a person has had a problem with alcohol for many years, they may need a fair amount of alcohol just to appear “normal”. It’s possible he was hiding his drinking from you and you didn’t notice because he never appeared drunk due to a high tolerance. It’s also possible that he relapsed during and after the drinking incident.

 

[Peeps]

What you say makes sense.

I do wonder if the young lady found men closer to her own age “immature.” Some college guys and even 20-somethings seem to act more like boys instead of men. They spend hours playing video games, all that sitting around makes them flabby and weak, and their biggest interest in life, other than gaming, is beer–craft beer, of course. And if they have a job, it doesn’t pay much, and they talk constantly about looking for something better (but don’t get around to doing it).

My daughter got fed up with immature men, and for a year, dated a man 30 years older than she was (she was around 25 at the time, and had been on her own, working and supporting herself, since she was 21.

 

[Norseman82]

There are cultures where marriage of a young woman to an older man is considered very normal and a responsible thing to do. The man is supposed to go out and establish himself in business and become a good financial provider before he goes seeking a wife. Not every older man interested in a younger wife is necessarily immature or abusive. It depends on the individual person.

Additionally:

1. It could be that women the man’s age are too old to bear children (if he never married and had children; on the other hand, if the man already has children, it can be seen as selfish and, dare I say, a form of gluttony).
2. If the younger person is just starting out college, a fifteen year age difference would probably incur more of a “difference in maturities” than if the younger person were, say, over 30.

 

[tweedlealice]

Sweetheart,
I’m Sorry! Did you do a background check? Go to TruthFinder! I pay $45.00/ mo. I have family things to straighten out. A friend misplaced her son…
If you just check 1 person, there’s a fee but you don’t have to do monthly. WHY! Who is he? 15 yrs older w a questionable job? He didn’t mean his vows.
I believe strongly in our vows. I’m married 51 yrs. There were WORSE YEARS. God graced us w a miracle. We had 4 kids.
You could go to Al-Anon. I don’t mean to stay w him but to understand the alcoholic and how you ended up w one. It’s a cycle. There will be an alcoholic in our lives growing up. We learn co-dependency. An alcoholic senses that and we’re hooked. Understand it , so you don’t fall for it , again.
Life is a journey. This was a lesson.
Sweet Jesus, Fatima loves you. She sought Your will in this relationship. He was a practicing Catholic! A perfect scenario. The enemy is Satan. Help Fatima w forgiveness. Give her Your love for for this child of yours. Our soul journey is the most important journey. Let both, see You, in this moment. Let them feel Your love. When we surrender to You, Father, old things are washed away and we are whiter than snow. Thank you, that Fatima walked this way. It was a lesson she needed to learn. All our mistakes are lessons we are to learn.
Tomorrow, the sun comes up! A new day begins w You, ABBA. Thank You!
All things work together for the good for those who love God and are the called, according to His purpose. Romans 8:28.
Ephesians 3: 14-21.
In Jesus name
Amen

 

[Rozellelily]

I accept that there are exceptions and I am not suggesting that in the OP case this in isolation would necessarily have been a red flag but looking at a few of the pieces together it is something that I would consider if in her shoes.

Generally speaking,I think we will have to differ on this.

Valuing women based off beauty really is a “thing” in many society,and not just my own feelings.
If this wasn’t the case women wouldn’t spend so much money on cosmetic surgery industry,females would not have self image issues,there would be less anorexia,women would feel no pressure about their looks,some older women would not feel invisible/lose their jobs etc,girls would not get negative self messages from beauty pageants/model world,sadly young girls even as young as 7 have been shown to feel pressure to be pretty when they shouldn’t eba have to be thinking of those things…
It does exist and is beyond just me.

I personally do believe there is a correlation between cultures that put a lot of emphasis on youth and beauty, and greater “acceptance” of vast age gap marriages and I do see the potential (with some exceptions) of it devaluing older women but I don’t expect Americans to agree with me.
Personally I’ve never seen a relationship like this where th younger woman was unattractive but i believe you if you say you have.

 

[Rozellelily]

I can’t consider it coincidental that Russian women who are more open to this also often have fathers that left their mothers or cheat.
Also,when you are surrounded by a lot of men that are playboys/cheat,pretty much anyone (else) begins to look good by comparison.
As long as certain older men look for beauty/youth as those young women look for money/facade of maturity there will be “wounds” -both societal and individual.
Tellingly, Russia,Belarus + Moldova also have relatively high divorce rate,comparatively speaking so to me that suggests there is some problem in society.
I’m certainly not a feminist and I don’t think you have to be a feminist to see that these issues do exist.

I’m not suggesting this is always the case,as per your examples,and OP I’m definitely not suggesting this is the case for you as I don’t know your husband and he could be very mature for all I know.
I’m just speaking in generalities.I generally believe an ideal society is a ordered society,where there is a different in maturities between the ages,not where stepmother is same age as daughter etc…

True I am looking from my own biases/culture/preference/experiences I have seen around me but I don’t think anyone has opinions on any topic without some biases or influence from culture.
.In my Slavic background your parents try to match you with dads friends sons not with your dads friends.

General speaking that’s my opinion,I accept many on CAF won’t agree with it.
However individually each relationship is it’s own business and it is not a sin or illegal etc…Women will make their own decisions but to the OP and for women in general it helps us in life to know our own minds,perceptions,reasoning, and decision making processes.
It would be wrong of me to elaborate further because the thread is about the OP relationship and not about opinions on age gaps in general.

Yes alcoholic husband unfortunately come in all ages,true.

Russian Women Bemoan a Lack of Men - and Their Money - Newsweek

Many powerful men dump their wives for younger models. Now Moscow's lonely women are fighting back

www.newsweek.com

Children as young as eight feel the pressure for the 'perfect' body

Australian primary school students vulnerable to poor body image as hormone levels rise before puberty, new research shows.

www.smh.com.au

Girls as young as 7 feel pressure to be pretty – body confidence study

Girlguiding UK warns of society’s focus on appearance as survey shows 36% of girls aged 7-10 believe looks to be paramount

www.theguardian.com

 

[Rozellelily]

That’s a sad indictment on the younger men.
Do they not have good male role models or are their fathers video game obsessed also?

 

[Rozellelily]

@Fatima48
Personally I would take it as a learning curve to be aware that even if a man goes to Church regularly and speaks about Holiness etc to not " look at that blindly" but still be aware that while most men who do this are sincere,there are some men who turn to Church life because they have deep “issues” etc…
I don’t like using the word issues as I don’t want to imply judgement but just realistically speaking.

I hope that doesn’t come across in any way as a blame thing,as you are definitely not to blame in anyway.
You seem very young still in 20’s so it is natural to be a bit naive and not worldly having experienced many types of people’s characters.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

aluing women based off beauty really is a “thing” in many society,and not just my own feelings.
If this wasn’t the case women wouldn’t spend so much money on cosmetic surgery industry,females would not have self image issues,there would be less anorexia, (snipped)

Wayyyyyy off topic for the thread. Not related at all to the OP’s post.
Especially since you posted 3 references.

 

[Rozellelily]

I only mentioned it as a response to clarify because you mentioned it

Quote: …own biases into other people’s relationships.You have this “thing” about “valuing women based on beauty” that you’ve already started a number of previous threads about.

The whole discussion around opinions and experiences on big age gaps is not relevant to the thread.
The same could be said for the people who agree with it as for those who don’t.
Ultimately no one can know except the OP whether it was a red flag or not because while people may have viewpoints on it in general but nobody knows her husband and his mentality,maturity and motivations except for her.

Sorry OP I won’t mention it again.It didn’t want for it to take on a life of its own,I just meant if it was me personally it would be a potential red flag (amongst others).

 

[Peeps]

I can’t say what kind of fathers the young men have.

But there is a very large percentage of divorce (50%) in the U.S., which usually means that the children live with mother, not father. That’s probably one reason that the boys do not grow up with a good father role model.

And yes, I think there are quite a few men who are game-obsessed, or at least electronics-obsessed. Nowadays, people play games on their phone. They can play anywhere, even at times when they should be paying attention to a pastor, a teacher, or a workplace presentation.

Even the cartoons that a child watches nowadays are based on electronic games and the electronic “culture.”

It’s very sad. Our daughters were born in the mid-1980s, when Atari and other gaming systems were available, and when home computers were becoming the norm for many families. I put my foot down very early to my husband–absolutely NO computer games were to be allowed in our house, other than the few games that come loaded onto every computer. Our girls grew up with no games other than Tetras, which they would play while they were chatting on the phone with their friends (girls have always spent long hours on the phone with their friends!).

To this day, they have no interest in the games, and I’m glad!

But other parents don’t do this, and kids will literally spend hours every day playing these games. One of my nephews is playing his games throughout most of the night (he doesn’t sleep), and then as soon as he is done with school, he starts up the play again. In other words, he spends about 16 hours a day playing electronic games. Sigh. Who would want to marry someone like that?

 

[QwertyGirl]

In my experience, alcoholism is a huge part of who an alcoholic is. This is the case until they decide they want to eliminate the alcoholism and remove all it entails from their being. This man hid his alcoholism from you, apparantly, prior to your marriage. The person you thought you were marrying is not the person who he is. It is like marrying someone who was wearing a mask and presenting a false set of credentials and personal history. You can’t fix him. It isn’t your job to fix him. In short, you were duped. The wedding was a sham.

I disagree with those who are encouraging you to try to work this out and aid him in seeking treatment. You need to proceed with divorce and move on. The fact that he is fifteen years older than you means he has fifteen more years under his belt to know how to manipulate, lie, and take advantge of people (including you) so he can continue on with his life in the bottle. No doubt your priest is a wise man. Listen to him.

You made a mistake in choosing him. We all make mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Learn from it. Be thankful children weren’t brought into this mess. Have the good life you deserve. Best of luck to you. I am glad your family is supportive.

 

[Katherine438]

He apparently lied to you from the beginning … he was an alcoholic … he was trying to recover from it, that’s why he never had a sip of liquor … he probably wanted to get married quickly because he didn’t know how long he could stay on the wagon. You have very good grounds for an annulment … get divorced and get the marriage annulled and then move on with your life … a marriage started on a lie will never work. Sorry for being so blunt. God Bless and I will pray for you.

 

[Fatima48]

Thanks everyone. Now that I’m not living there I can see things clearly.

What I don’t understand is why I feel so terrible now that I filed for divorce. I thought I would feel relieved in way but it’s not what I feel at all. I feel sad and empty.

It’s also hard to go out and answer why my husband isn’t with me during mass, why I’m spending more time with my parents, etc. I’m not ready to tell people that I separated from my husband, and I don’t know how to go about it when I am ready for that