Newlywed Catholic Issues

[Gregory24]

Hello, I am 24 years old and conveted 3 years ago. My family is protestant and I grew up in mainly evangelical churches. I have recently married and my wife is methodist. I became catholic about the same time we met. We were married in the Methodist church, because my wife really didn’t want to be married in the catholic church. However a Deacon at my church assisted w/ the wedding and we went through the Pre-Cana at my church. I recently have begun having some concerns about our different faiths. Specifically about raising children. My wife has some problems w/ the church: Mary,praying to the saints,and the eucharist. I understand my obligation to do my best to raise my children catholic. My wife always says that we should raise the children in both churches however I believe this can cause problems. When I tell my wife that it all starts with our future childs baptism and of course I want to have the child baptised in the Catholic Church, and she says that we should have it baptised in both churches. I guess I am feeling a little bit alone in my faith because no one in my family is Catholic so I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, and my wife is a very willful person and I could use some advise on how to deal with this. My wife will go to church with me if I go with her to her church so that is a positive. Any advise would help

 

[mlchance]

Go to both churches as a couple. It’s a pain in the neck, but it can be done. Affirm what is positive about both experiences, but do not dwell on what is negative. Above all, do nothing that violates your own Catholic faith. This means that, yes, your children will have to be baptized into the Catholic Church. This means you may not miss your Sunday obligation except for serious reasons. Et cetera, et cetera.

Through marriage, you and your wife have become one flesh. This cannot be sundered. Now earnestly pray that, in addition to one flesh, you may become one faith.

If ecumenical dialogue is impossible between husband and wife, it isn’t possible anywhere.

– Mark L. Chance.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Gregory,

I am also 24 and have been married one year. My husband and I are both cradle Catholics, although he was raised in a family of nominal Catholics–they didn’t practice at all. My husband (also 24) underwent a huge reversion to the Church several years ago (before we met) and is a wonderful Catholic now. However, his parents have persecuted our desire to raise children in the Catholic Church, as well as our desire to live a holy life. The resentment toward his parents really built up between us, until one pivotal evening when my husband finally realized exactly what his parents were doing to our relationship.

Obviously we don’t have very similar situations, but what IS similar is that both are big issues that can ultimately cause a LOT of conflict between newlyweds. What we chose to do was contact a Catholic therapist…we got the advice of WHO to contact from a priest my husband knew…but we later learned that there is a website catholictherapists.com that might enable you to find someone near you. If not, Catholic Charities is active in every state (to my knowledge) and they offer counseling on a sliding scale.

Even if your wife doesn’t want to go with you, I would go. If you don’t want to see a counselor but prefer to see a priest, that is wonderful too. (I sometimes have found it difficult to find a priest with enough time to do pastoral counseling, but many make quite a bit of time for it.) Regardless, talk to SOMEONE professional about this. You will get good tools of advice in terms of how to deal with your feelings about this (which can be overwhelming) and also how to approach your wife in the kindest but firmest way.

Remember that you are head of your household. Your wife is the heart But Jesus called you to be the spiritual leader!

Read Ephesians 5 with your wife. It was a reading done at my wedding, and we had verses 24 and 25 engraved upon our wedding bands. I think it sums up (beautifully) the role of a husband and wife in marriage.

Also, you might consider getting involved socially with other Catholics. Your wife might soften a bit toward the faith itself if she meets other people who live it and practice it. Does your parish or diocese have a young adult group? Or is there a Couples for Christ group in your area?

This may just be a period of hardship for you personally and perhaps even in your marriage. Adjusting to married life can be VERY trying. So just be patient and pray, pray, pray! God called you home to the Catholic Church for a reason.

Oh–one last thing. Do you have the book “Rome Sweet Home” by Scott and Kimberly Hahn? If not, ORDER IT! It is an amazing book about the conversion (and conflict) of a very well known Catholic teaching couple who converted from protestantism. Scott converted before Kimberly, and she had MAJOR difficulties with the same issues you mentioned your wife having. It affected their marriage tremendously, but in the end, God won out Have faith!

Many blessings to you and your wife, and feel free to PM me!

Abby

 

[Esperanza]

My husband and I are both Baptist Christians (he is a Baptist minister) but he seems to be studying the Catholic Church too closely for my taste. If he does convert (I pray to God he won’t) I would never be able to watch our future children raised in the RCC.

The best you can do is be loving and supportive while trying to cooperate.

 

[LauraL]

Esperanza:

My husband and I are both Baptist Christians (he is a Baptist minister) but he seems to be studying the Catholic Church too closely for my taste. If he does convert (I pray to God he won’t) I would never be able to watch our future children raised in the RCC.

The best you can do is be loving and supportive while trying to cooperate.

There is one thing that concerns me about this post, and about the wife’s position (wife of the original poster) –

You have married someone, and I would assume that you admired and respected him in order to have married him, and now you must trust – even if you don’t feel at ease with the RCC – his own integrity, or at least his desire to live with integrity before God. To fight him in his inquiry about the Church is tantamount to saying you think he’s lost his mind and his character.

I would also hope that you would remember that the RCC is the body that gave Christians the Scriptures, the definition of the fundamentals of the Faith (Christian, not just RC), and a rich history of faithful believers whose writings have inspired Christians, Catholic and non-Catholic like, for centuries. Even if you find it difficult to accept certain teachings of the Church right now – teachings such as apostolic succession – I would think there are things you can respect and appreciate, all the same.

Trust God, and have faith in your husband’s spiritual integrity. You have my prayers.

 

[dhgray]

Hello, I am 24 years old and converted 3 years ago.

WELCOME TO THE CHURCH

I became catholic about the same time we met.

She knew what she was getting - a Catholic

We were married in the Methodist church, because my wife really didn’t want to be married in the catholic church.

She (her family) was expecting that since your converted once, you would convert again

I recently have begun having some concerns about our different faiths.

Yeah, that whole Female and Homosexual Priest thing can make you question their faith. Also, how the individual parish VOTES on what teaching to follow.

Specifically about raising children.

GOOD FOR YOU

My wife has some problems w/ the church: Mary, praying to the saints, and the Eucharist.

I had problems with these issues too when I converted. Ask her to read: Born Fundamentalist; Born Again Catholic.

I understand my obligation to do my best to raise my children catholic.

YOU ARE RIGHT

My wife always says that we should raise the children in both churches

She is trying to get you to compromise

however I believe this can cause problems.

RIGHT AGAIN

When I tell my wife that it all starts with our future child’s baptism and of course I want to have the child baptized in the Catholic Church,

RIGHT AGAIN

and she says that we should have it baptized in both churches.

She is trying to get you to compromise

I guess I am feeling a little bit alone in my faith because no one in my family is Catholic so I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, and my wife is a very willful person and I could use some advise on how to deal with this.

Contact the Couples for Christ or me for more information.

My wife will go to church with me if I go with her to her church so that is a positive.

Yes, positive. But you are still Compromising

Any advise would help

Contact the CFC (www.couplesforchrist.us)

"You will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. You wives will submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church; he gave his life to be her Savior. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything

."

 

[Trelow]

Gregory24:

My wife has some problems w/ the church: Mary,praying to the saints,and the eucharist.

Well if she’s a good Methodist this is easy! Just explain that you don’t pray to them, you simply ask them to pray for you. No different than when you pray for others, and ask them to pray for you.

Methodists don’t believe Jesus morphs into bread and wine, but His essence is present with in them after they have been consecrated. Jesus is spiritually present in the Eucharist, he is the * essence*, that is transmitted via bread & wine (usually grape juice due to the fact that alcohol is frowned upon).
The way I reason it is that we don’t know for sure what our spiritual bodies are like and thusly could be contained within bread/wine, and isn’t the essence of something really what it is? I may be wrong on my Catholic theology here, but I’ve got the Methodist down pat,

Methodism (the way it was intended) is really just CatholicLite ¨

 

[Corinne]

For the sake of your future children, I would strongly urge against trying to raise them in both faiths. You are absolutely right that this is confusing. How do you answer their questions when you and your wife disagree? Don’t make them feel like they have to “pick sides” on whether they will ultimately follow mom or dad. I was raised in a family where one parent went to church and the other didn’t. Despite my mom’s efforts to get my brother and I to church as children, it always seemed like it wasn’t important because my dad wouldn’t go. We ended up not taking our faiths very seriously.

I’m a convert from an evangelical church. When my husband and I first started dating, he was a Catholic and I was surrounded by people who were staunchly against the Church. In order to make our relationship work and to better understand each other, we started talking a lot about our faiths. Going to mass with him and learning about his faith really opened my eyes, and I eventually converted. Maybe your willingness to go to mass will lead to a deeper questioning about her own faith. Be ready to talk to her about it whenever the opportunity arises!

 

[mercygate]

Baptise in both churches. Uh-uh. Can’t be done. Baptism is baptism: one baptism.

You might both listen to Scott & Kimberly Hahn’s book on tape: Rome Sweet Home.

Her family needs not to be part of your decision on this. You and your wife need to wrangle this out with the Holy Spirit.

 

[byzcdad]

Hmmm…, difficult issues here, but familiar to me. I’m sure you understand the requirements of being Catholic by your posting. However, your understanding and your wife’s are totally different. I am a Catholic convert from the Southern Baptist Faith. I was a Baptist when I met and married my wife who was Catholic. We were married in the Catholic church. When we got married, I assumed (as your wife has) that our children could grow up in both churches. I pictured the family going to Saturday Evening Mass followed by Sunday School and Baptist Church on Sunday morning. I always suspected (but did not expect) that my wife would convert to become a Baptist. I believed this because of my misunderstanding of the Catholic Church and what it REALLY teaches and believes. And, after all, Baptist services are so much more lively, inclusive and … FUN! Much to my surprise as I began going to the Catholic Church and learning about it, I began to feel the pull toward the fullness of the true faith. Eventually I converted to the Catholic faith but, this was a 4-year process. I struggled with the same issues as your wife: 1. Salvation by faith alone 2. Using only scripture as a guide in your faith 3. Call no man Father 4. Infant Baptism 5. the REAL presence in the Holy Eucharist 6. and yes MARY and THE SAINTS! (my last hurdle)

My suggestion is conduct a non-confrontational Bible study with your wife. Ask questions about your differences, try to understand both views and how they are developed. And, if you truly believe that Catholicism is the one, true faith (I didn’t but now I do), won’t Catholicism be the logical choice? Isn’t it really God who gives each of us (including your wife) the Grace to understand his Church. Speak the truth with love. Be patient, pray, and I am sure in God’s time things will work out. After all, this is the one you chose to spend your life with. A few years is only a small portion of a lifetime.

byzcdad

 

[Gregory24]

Thanks for all the responses it helps a lot. I have tried to explain the whole mary and saints thing to her. However she says that once people are in heaven the are no longer concerned about worldly things and that is one of the gifts of heaven. I am new to this so I always don’t have the best answers for her. She is very defensive of the whole thing and very easily angered, especially if I bring up things like Natural Family Planning (which I’m sad to say we are not practicing but using the pill, not my choice but hers) and when she heard my stance on invitro she was angered even more. When I begin to talk to her about these things she says that I’m just brainwashed by the catholic church and I didn’t use to be this way. She doesn’t want to have discussions or talk w/ people to hear the reasons for catholic teachings. I know that I can’t force her to convert and I don’t want to. And I don’t want all this to sound like I don’t love my wife, because I do immensly. My concern is for our future children I feel that I need a commitment on her part to allow me (hopefully us one day) to raise the children in the Catholic Church and not in my church and her church joinltly. We are meeting with a priest on Sat. so that is good. What should I do?

 

[jegow]

One thing that is bound to help, keep praying for her conversion (which you are probably doing anyway). Prayer can be so powerful!

About explaining the Saints and Mary and intercessory prayer - well, maybe trying to try and explain what we consider to be the Mystical Body of Christ. That some of our brothers and sisters in Christ are in heaven already and they like Christ can intercede for us. Or a topic like that, something to show that connection we have.

Another thing is when talking about your faith and hers, is not to talk about the negative, the things that they have misunderstandings about but start building a conversation with the things that they have in common.

Hope these help,

jegow

 

[puzzleannie]

I never heard of any religion that believes Jesus morphs into bread and wine, but I am willing to be instructed.

This story is an object case in why the Church insists on pre-marriage instruction and I am astounded this couple was allowed to go through this process without addressing the issues of different faiths, different attitudes toward having children and how to rear them.

If this young husband is ready to live as a Catholic husband and father, the best advice I can give is to love your wife, respect her including her conscience, but demonstrate your Catholic faith by adhering to it, by your actions not by lectures.

Two years ago we received a lovely Methodist woman, married for 20 years to a Catholic man, into full communion with the Catholic church. Respecting her husbands promise to raise their children Catholic, the all attended both churches, but children knew they were Catholic and received the sacraments. Mom made it her business to learn everything she could about the Catholic faith, in order to be a good teacher, and is in fact a catechist in our parish. She studied and prayed for several years to get over her issues, especially with Mary, and with the Eucharist. She started praying the rosary with her daughter’s class, and says it was Mary herself who brought her the rest of the way. Her most important reason for becoming Catholic, she says, was the example set by her husband.

 

[Brendan]

Trelow:

Well if she’s a good Methodist this is easy! Just explain that you don’t pray to them, you simply ask them to pray for you.

You’ve fallen into a common Protestant mental trap.

Yes we do pray to the saints. But we do not worship them. A large majority of Protestants somehow equate praying with worship, and they are two very seperate things.

The verb ‘to pray’ means to Impore, the Entreat or to Humbly Request. It comes from the Latin verb precare, which means the same thing.

People pray to each other all the time. My 6 year old son prayed to me just a few nights ago " Daddy, can I PLEEEZE stay up late night"

That was a prayer. He implored me for a later bedtime. Was that worship?

You can also see the use of the verb in any Shakespear play.

Hamlet Act I Sc II " HAMLET: I pray thee, do not mock me, fellow-student;"

Hamlet was praying to Horatio. He was asking Horatio to not to mock him. Was Hamlet worshipping Horatio???

Catholics do pray to the saints, as we pray to each other. We honor (venerate) them, as we do each other. We just don’t worship them.

 

[Trelow]

Right I understand, seems you have fallen into a narrow minded trap. Not everybody uses words the same way.

Just because two people use the same word doesn’t mean that they convey the same meaning form them. If you have to rephrase something so that someone else can understand, that’s OK. It’s not like we are changing theology or anything, just wording.

And (some) Protestants believe that Catholics believe that Jesus morphs into bread and wine.

 

[Sandman]

Language meaning between Catholics and Protestants can be very difficult to understand because your entire basis comes only from one side.

An example I have found is that Catholics use the phrase “hope of heaven” and Evangelical Protestants use the phrase “assurance of heaven”. This leads to the belief among Protestants that Catholics are not sure they will go to heaven.

Catholics tend to view this as it being the heaven that they strive for and expect to go to based on their faith and the sincere expression and living of that faith. In addition we try to avoid mortal sin and receive of forgiveness thru the Sacrement of Reconciliation. Catholics were saved, are saved and will be saved. Because of this belief, it is entirely appropriate for us to use the phrase “hope of heaven”.

Please correct or clarify if I have mis-stated or mis-understood the Catholic perspective, since I am only a recent convert and have not lived my whole life understanding the language of the Catholic Church.

 

[Gregory24]

Well my wife and I met w/ a priest and discussed the Natural family planning method. He talked about how artificial birth control was started by men who couldn’t control themselves. He told us that we would need to talk to a deacon or a married person in the church about it mainly. Which I understand. NFP was an issue that I never really felt was a big deal. However lately I have felt bad about using a.c. But what I was kind of confused about was the fact that he didn’t say that a.c. was wrong? Maybe it was because my wife was there and he didn’t want to lecture her or turn her off to the church. I just didn’t get a yes it’s wrong or no It’s ok. He said that do what ever your consious can carry or something. I really like him though and my wife says that we can look into NFP so it was a great success in my opinion. She even came to mass w/ me yesterday. She is going to come with me every other Sunday. So that is as much as I can ask for right now.

 

[Rascal]

Thank you for sharing your wonderul news. Contraception is definitly wrong. I can understand why priests (typically before 1972 seminaries) usually say “follow your conscience”. It’s a wonderful statement, but too many people take that to mean “do whatever you feel like”. If you actually follow your conscience, you know that contraception is wrong. It separates husband and wife, possibly aborts a child, is unhealthy etc. You have to base your conscience on “truth”, not feelings.

There are many resources for NFP. PM if you wish to discuss.

 

[LauraL]

Gregory24:

Thanks for all the responses it helps a lot. I have tried to explain the whole mary and saints thing to her. However she says that once people are in heaven the are no longer concerned about worldly things and that is one of the gifts of heaven.

Gregory,
In Hebrews 11-12, we see evidence to the contrary of your wife’s perception. Heb 11 is the great “Hall of Faith” chapter, and ch. 12 begins with the words, “Wherefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses…” – which gives us an image of an athlete in the stadium for a major competition (that’s us) and the crowds in the stands cheering him on (that’s the saints).

Hope this helps. God bless you!

 

[SFAgal03]

Gregory, just curious…do you own a Chatechism of the Catholic Church? IF you do, all the answers about our beliefs (well, most) are there. If not, you can get it fairly cheap at used bookstores. Just a thought that it might help you explain things to your wife a little better, and then, new or not, you always have back up. God bless,

~Kristi