Newlywed dealing with spouse's past

[mert14]

Hello,

I am recently married and I just moved in to the same house with my spouse. My spouse assured me that bedrooms, computers, files, etc. had been checked for mementos, cards, improper photos, and articles from past relationships. My spouse does not have a sterling past (neither do I), and I accepted it and thought it was a thing of the past. But as our lives continue to grow together (and as I clean areas in the house) I continue to run into items from former girlfriends (gifts, cards, inappropriate photos, even condoms).

I have asked my spouse to recheck areas in the house, but this has happened 5 or 6 times now, and it seems that my spouse is either ignorant to how thorough areas need to be reviewed or just doesn’t understand how much it affects me to see these items.

I’m at a loss as to what to do. We have talked about this several times, and I don’t want to be angry with him, but I feel like enough is enough. We need to start this marriage knowing our house is OURS, not riddled with past memories.

Any thoughts?

 

[Kelfa28]

If it were me…I’d set aside a time where everything is rounded up by you and set aside in a pile. Then he takes that pile and puts it all in a trash bag while you watch.

Or, it there is a fireplace…burn everything.

But that is just me.

It’s totally inappropriate that he has anything like photos or condoms?!? Why in the world would he keep that kind of stuff?
Why not ask him why he wants any of that stuff lying around for you to find.

Useful gifts I can understand. I still have DVDs and a back massager that were gifts from an old boyfriend. But I keep them because I like the movies and I still use the back massager and not because they remind me of him in any way.
Even photos he might have of old girlfriends on trips or with other friends I can understand.

But a suggestive picture of just his ex-girlfriend? No, that needs to be gone.

Ask him why he wants to keep this stuff and then round everything up and watch him toss it all.

 

[1ke]

Look, there is no right or wrong here. Every relationship is different and expectations are the primary thing. You had an expectation and are now disappointed.

Personally, I think it is silly to expect someone to throw out pictures, etc, from old relationships. I have photo albums that have pictures of me and exes in them and I’m not going though a pile of old albums and removing pictures. They are what they are. The statue of Mary in our flower garden was a present from a girlfriend my husband had. So what? To me, no big deal.

Condoms, well those certainly need to be thrown out and it seems weird they’d be scattered about the house-- like what, were they tucked in drawers randomly, I don’t get that. When you find them, just throw them away.

IMHO, you have expectations about purging the house that a bit out there .

BUT, if you and your DH discussed it and he agreed to get rid of things then just gather them up and give them to him to dispose of. It could just be that a male definition of “thorough cleaning” of the house is quite different than yours-- that is one I had to learn from my DH… our definitions of “clean” are quite different.

However, if you insisted on the agreement to get rid of things, and he really didn’t want to, then perhaps he is being passive aggressive.

I encourage you to figure out just what it is inside of YOU that must be satisfied by this purging of the past. Why does this bother you? Think about it and see if you can make peace with your past and his. He married, YOU, not them.

 

[1ke]

But a suggestive picture of just his ex-girlfriend? No, that needs to be gone.

Ah yes, if they are suggestive pictures, rather than just pictures, they absolutely need to be gone.

Of course, the OP had to go through everything to pack up and move into the house, so she did a thorough sifting. Perhaps he just didn’t really go through every drawer and closet. “thorough” is in the eye of the beholder!

 

[PennyinCanada]

My spouse does not have a sterling past (neither do I), and I accepted it and thought it was a thing of the past.

I think you are fooling yourself that you accepted his past.

This is something that you can surrender to Jesus and I would take these feelings you’re going through to confession. This wrestling within yourself will spill over into your new marriage. Make the choice today not to ‘poison’ your todays with his yesterdays. It is up to you, not your husband, how you handle this. Bless your husband, pray for him. Refuse to be tempted to anger and jealousy over this. Bless him every day, thank God for him, be who you are called to be as a Christian wife.

Help me today oh Lord to become the wife you wish me to be. Help me in your kindness to draw down graces upon our marriage and family life. Help us to be plugged in to You, the source of all goodness, so that our marriage may be a reflection of your goodness and pleasing to You. Take away all bitterness, anger, and resentment, and replace them with your love, your forgiveness and your healing. May we praise and bless you all the days of our lives, and especially within our marriage and family life. We ask for the kind help of our Blessed Mother who wishes to see You glorified in the lives of believers. Amen.

 

[rebeccanew]

Why not buy a house that is yours together. You are the one who moved into HIS house. Are you on the mortgage? If not that needs to be addressed- better yet just move into a new home you both picked out and all the memories (and garbage) will be dealt with.

 

[Xantippe]

Rebeccanew said:

“Why not buy a house that is yours together. You are the one who moved into HIS house. Are you on the mortgage? If not that needs to be addressed- better yet just move into a new home you both picked out and all the memories (and garbage) will be dealt with.”

Yeah–I think that should be a long-term plan, but not something to rush into in the next year.

In the meantime, I suggest a thorough room-by-room closet-by-closet housecleaning with your new husband: no naughty photos of other women, no condoms, etc. Don’t be unreasonable about vacation photos in albums and boxes, but feel free to put away framed photos with old girlfriends.

I suspect this is much more messiness and thoughtlessness than him actually wanting to keep stuff. He probably can’t even see half of it. If you do a good job right away with sifting his stuff, you won’t keep turning up unsettling items.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Why not buy a house that is yours together. You are the one who moved into HIS house. Are you on the mortgage? If not that needs to be addressed- better yet just move into a new home you both picked out and all the memories (and garbage) will be dealt with.

Although this appears to be an easy fix, it’s still a spiritual problem. In married life, often there aren’t the easy fixes. Going to God for a spiritual issue is a good exercise to practice and achieve for when bigger issues arise, and bigger issues will come.

 

[Xantippe]

PennyinCanada said:

“Although this appears to be an easy fix, it’s still a spiritual problem. In married life, often there aren’t the easy fixes.”

Aside from the issue of the old girlfriend debris, moving into a spouse’s existing home, rather than moving into a new home is frequently a problem. The new resident often feels like a guest or an intruder rather than an equal owner. It is a good thing for spouses to feel like they have equal say in their marital home, and it’s easier to achieve that by starting over again. I know I felt much better when my new husband and I were finally able to move from his old apartment into a new one.

I don’t think that a move is just an “easy fix” or somehow unspiritual. The spiritual and the practical do often go hand in hand. For instance, think how religious traditionally take on new names to signify a spiritual change.

 

[Ms_Manners]

I have asked my spouse to recheck areas in the house, but this has happened 5 or 6 times now, and it seems that my spouse is either ignorant to how thorough areas need to be reviewed or just doesn’t understand how much it affects me to see these items.

Once I came across letter from my husband to his ex (a very sweet letter actually) in a notebook (I needed paper and he actually gave it to me). He found some photos of my ex alone and us together (nothing sexually explicit, mostly social occasions) on my computer (not snooping).
He got rid of the letter, he had honestly forgotten about it. I removed the photos, I was really surprised to see them still around.
Some things we wouldn’t even throw out. I’m sure there are several books, clothing items and other similar stuff bought by exes that are still around, we don’t even think about it. (Actually, now that I do think about it, the watch I never take off. Oops.)
We both know we had a life before we met and we are okay with that. If some of it is still around, that’s not a big deal, as long as it’s honestly an oversight, not nostalgia.

In your situation, I’d to talk to him and see how he wants to handle any new stuff you find, then just do that.
If he says you can throw them out without giving them to him first, do that. If he wants to see them first, be honest and hand them over.
If you keep coming across these things because you are going through his stuff, and not just during regular household activities, you need to stop doing that. That’s not healthy for you or your relationship.
Like I said, as long as he’s not keeping anything to remind him of times and feelings he had with other women, I wouldn’t say it’s a big problem.
Overthinking it will only cause you stress and there is no reason for that.

 

[judynurse]

I would simply do as earlier suggested – go through and gather it all in a large trash bag (leaf bag size if necessary) and tell him what’s in it (in a general way) and ask if he wants to check for anything he might want to keep (such as a nice vase or a bunch of silk flowers, you can use those yourself, they probably have no particular meaning to a man) and then toss or burn the whole batch. Remove offensive photos from any frames and keep the frames for your own use. Condoms – just toss in the trash, no need to add them to the bag or even mention them, just get rid of them. My husband (who was not Catholic when we married, but converted) kept the photos of his first wife who was deceased, and had hid them in a drawer, so as not to make me uncomfortable. In this case, I got them out and put two of them in places which were not obvious (not bedroom or living room) but where he could still see them occasionally. After all, he was married to her for 38 years, and of course still had feelings for her, and nursed and cared for her while she was dying! About 15 1/2 years later he passed away from cancer. In cleaning out his drawers, under some really old work gloves I found one package of condoms, the package was so yellow it had to be at least 25 or 30 years old! Don’t think he even knew they were there! I just laughed and threw them away. Didn’t make a difference in our marriage – they were from prior to our marriage and never used by us at all. He married me, and became a devout Catholic. Now you need to realize your new husband did marry YOU not the other girls. Men simply don’t clean things out as women do. If you find such things, just smile and toss them in the trash. Don’t make a major uproar about it. If you are being so hurt and upset by them, you must be feeling insecure. Just get rid of them, I doubt he’ll even notice they are gone, because he has you now and doesn’t even think of them.

A man’s idea of “clearing things out” is a lot different from a woman’s – at any time! When you find them, don’t dwell on them, just toss them. Don’t make a big deal out of them. Pray for him, for your marriage, and for your hurt and anger to be gone. Start your new life without these resentments and just toss out the past!!

 

[Ms_Manners]

My husband (who was not Catholic when we married, but converted) kept the photos of his first wife who was deceased, and had hid them in a drawer, so as not to make me uncomfortable. In this case, I got them out and put two of them in places which were not obvious (not bedroom or living room) but where he could still see them occasionally. After all, he was married to her for 38 years, and of course still had feelings for her, and nursed and cared for her while she was dying!

This was very thoughtful of you.

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[AnastasiaRomano]

Aside from the issue of the old girlfriend debris, moving into a spouse’s existing home, rather than moving into a new home is frequently a problem. The new resident often feels like a guest or an intruder rather than an equal owner. It is a good thing for spouses to feel like they have equal say in their marital home, and it’s easier to achieve that by starting over again. I know I felt much better when my new husband and I were finally able to move from his old apartment into a new one.

I don’t think that a move is just an “easy fix” or somehow unspiritual. The spiritual and the practical do often go hand in hand. For instance, think how religious traditionally take on new names to signify a spiritual change.

Yes, this is a good point too about moving into one spouse’s existing home or apartment. It can cause some tricky dynamics. Perhaps a move isn’t feasible or even desirable, but certainly spouses ought to work together after marriage to make the home “theirs” – rather than just his or hers. Even simple things like rearranging the furniture together, changing paint colors, etc. can help. I moved into my husband’s house when we got married, and it took some time before I felt like it was my house too. The biggest help in that regard, I think, was that about 2 months after getting married we purchased a new bedroom set and repainted the master bedroom together… and then he gave me free reign to redecorate the guest bedroom. Once my touches were on the house, it felt more like it was our house together.

As for the debris from old girlfriends – it depends on where it is and what it is. Is it left in random places, or is it deliberately stored somewhere? I once came across a photo of my DH’s ex-gf and him inside a book, and it looked like he’d been using the photo as a bookmark. He had no idea it was there and threw it out after I found it. I was a bit bothered by seeing the photo (it wasn’t suggestive, just kinda lovey dovey), but I know my DH had used the photo as a bookmark years before and totally forgot about it.

It also depends on what the items are. Some things also might not be practical to throw away, either because of their price (suppose an ex-gf bought him a flat-screen TV or computer?) or because there isn’t any sentimental attachment to them. For example, my DH has a particular sweatshirt that he wears almost every time he does work outdoors, on the car, etc. And it so happens that his ex bought him that shirt. Should he throw out this useful work shirt simply because an ex-gf bought it for him many years ago?

Now, some things from past relationships do need to go, like suggestive photos/cards and any condoms. I think you should discuss with him how to handle any new items you come across. This presumes, of course, that you are encountering these things during cleaning/organizing, not deliberately snooping through his belongings (which would be a different story).

 

[Ms_Manners]

Once I came across letter from my husband to his ex (a very sweet letter actually) in an old unused notebook (I needed paper and he actually gave it to me). He found some photos of my ex alone and us together (nothing sexually explicit, mostly social occasions) on my computer (not snooping).
He got rid of the letter, he had honestly forgotten about it. I removed the photos, I was really surprised to see them still around.
Some things we wouldn’t even throw out. I’m sure there are several books, clothing items and other similar stuff bought by exes that are still around, we don’t even think about it. (Actually, now that I do think about it, the watch I never take off. Oops.)
We both know we had a life before we met and we are okay with that. If some of it is still around, that’s not a big deal, as long as it’s honestly an oversight, not nostalgia.

In your situation, I’d to talk to him and see how he wants to handle any new stuff you find, then just do that.
If he says you can throw them out without giving them to him first, do that. If he wants to see them first, be honest and hand them over.
If you keep coming across these things because you are going through his stuff, and not just during regular household activities, you need to stop doing that. That’s not healthy for you or your relationship.
Like I said, as long as he’s not keeping anything to remind him of times and feelings he had with other women, I wouldn’t say it’s a big problem.
Overthinking it will only cause you stress and there is no reason for that.

 

[tawny]

Why not buy a house that is yours together. You are the one who moved into HIS house. Are you on the mortgage? If not that needs to be addressed- better yet just move into a new home you both picked out and all the memories (and garbage) will be dealt with.

Exactly. This is part of the problem. Get a fresh start, new place together. To many memories for him and doubts for you that could bring up problems and issues for both of you in the future.

 

[Auntie_A]

I would simply do as earlier suggested – go through and gather it all in a large trash bag (leaf bag size if necessary) and tell him what’s in it (in a general way) and ask if he wants to check for anything he might want to keep (such as a nice vase or a bunch of silk flowers, you can use those yourself, they probably have no particular meaning to a man) and then toss or burn the whole batch. Remove offensive photos from any frames and keep the frames for your own use. Condoms – just toss in the trash, no need to add them to the bag or even mention them, just get rid of them. My husband (who was not Catholic when we married, but converted) kept the photos of his first wife who was deceased, and had hid them in a drawer, so as not to make me uncomfortable. In this case, I got them out and put two of them in places which were not obvious (not bedroom or living room) but where he could still see them occasionally. After all, he was married to her for 38 years, and of course still had feelings for her, and nursed and cared for her while she was dying! About 15 1/2 years later he passed away from cancer. In cleaning out his drawers, under some really old work gloves I found one package of condoms, the package was so yellow it had to be at least 25 or 30 years old! Don’t think he even knew they were there! I just laughed and threw them away. Didn’t make a difference in our marriage – they were from prior to our marriage and never used by us at all. He married me, and became a devout Catholic. Now you need to realize your new husband did marry YOU not the other girls. Men simply don’t clean things out as women do. If you find such things, just smile and toss them in the trash. Don’t make a major uproar about it. If you are being so hurt and upset by them, you must be feeling insecure. Just get rid of them, I doubt he’ll even notice they are gone, because he has you now and doesn’t even think of them.

A man’s idea of “clearing things out” is a lot different from a woman’s – at any time! When you find them, don’t dwell on them, just toss them. Don’t make a big deal out of them. Pray for him, for your marriage, and for your hurt and anger to be gone. Start your new life without these resentments and just toss out the past!!

I am favoring this approach on the one hand, but something bugs me about a married couple who do not try to start clean. It may seem fussy but the cleaning and starting anew is very important symbolically: “Where do we put the photos of your family and my family?” “Your books and my books?” “Your junk and my junk”. It would seem very wise and respectful to start off living under the same roof on an even keel. I know that sometimes situations are hurried or complicated but it seems to exemplify respect for others, married or not, to consciously clear space for a loved one. And in that clearing of space, messy or not, you get rid of anything you think might be offensive to the other.

I detect a willingness to let go and start all over on both your parts but I also believe that married couples frequently practice wishful thinking. It might be a good idea to talk with the priest who counseled you (I hope you got counseling) or a Catholic counselor and get a follow-up to ensure you are letting go and are off to a good start. Life is weird these days and it is too easy to get very relaxed and casual and then fall into great chasms of doubt and sin.

The obligation would be for you to let go, but to ask sincerely for you and him to clean it all out and really move in so you both have a workable space that feels like a new home and a new start. It’s not too late. And he should see how fair that would be for you if he did a more thorough purge.That would be a mature act. I also think that doing that would prove his potential for good parenting since we select what comes in or goes out of our home when we raise children.

 

[PennyinCanada]

PennyinCanada said:

“Although this appears to be an easy fix, it’s still a spiritual problem. In married life, often there aren’t the easy fixes.”

Aside from the issue of the old girlfriend debris, moving into a spouse’s existing home, rather than moving into a new home is frequently a problem. The new resident often feels like a guest or an intruder rather than an equal owner. It is a good thing for spouses to feel like they have equal say in their marital home, and it’s easier to achieve that by starting over again. I know I felt much better when my new husband and I were finally able to move from his old apartment into a new one.

I don’t think that a move is just an “easy fix” or somehow unspiritual. The spiritual and the practical do often go hand in hand. For instance, think how religious traditionally take on new names to signify a spiritual change.

Actually I did that, I moved into my husband’s house. As we painted and changed things around, it felt more like my house too. It took some time but we often grow into change.

I wanted to give her a spiritual exercise that she could start today. Finding another house, selling the existing one, moving, are all stressors, and it takes time. My solution was taking care of the issue today, and many spouses have issues with anger, resentment and bitterness. Might as well see them and take care of them today, without the husband having to take care of something. In the future, bigger issues will come up and we have to start practicing and finding out today that God is indeed there to help us.

 

[stephe1987]

I think the biggest problem is sloppiness… why is that stuff still around? It’s time for some Spring cleaning! Condoms are trash, inappropriate photos are trash, other photos (e.g. group pics, pics of vacations) can go in a photo storage box in the attic. Also, I’m guessing the place could use some dusting, scrubbing, etc. if things have been sitting out unnoticed for that long. Wash the curtains, clean the blinds, scrub the fridge and microwave, go through the drawers, closets, garage, attic, basement, etc.

Part of the moving process is going through one’s belongings and getting rid of trash and other items that are no longer needed. I think this is an important step before beginning a new life together. Stuff gets buried over time and people don’t even know that they have certain items anymore… and it’s not always a good surprise to find something in the bottom of a drawer or buried in the back of a closet.

If/when it’s possible, I would suggest renting out or selling your current place and moving into a new home for a fresh start.

 

[Bezant]

I am recently married and I just moved in to the same house with my spouse. My spouse assured me that bedrooms, computers, files, etc. had been checked for mementos, cards, improper photos, and articles from past relationships. My spouse does not have a sterling past (neither do I), and I accepted it and thought it was a thing of the past. But as our lives continue to grow together (and as I clean areas in the house) I continue to run into items from former girlfriends (gifts, cards, inappropriate photos, even condoms).

I have asked my spouse to recheck areas in the house, but this has happened 5 or 6 times now, and it seems that my spouse is either ignorant to how thorough areas need to be reviewed or just doesn’t understand how much it affects me to see these items.

I’m at a loss as to what to do. We have talked about this several times, and I don’t want to be angry with him, but I feel like enough is enough. We need to start this marriage knowing our house is OURS, not riddled with past memories.

But who’s home could it possibly be apart from his and yours?

Memories do influence the present, but those links aren’t necessarily as relevant as they used to be even if they still serve a function. After all, he married you and left them. Why then do you “need” to eliminate reminders of his old relationships to secure your shared home?

Granted I don’t know the nature of the cards and gifts or what you mean when you say the photos were “inappropriate.” But now that evidence from his naughty days is staring you in the face, I caution you against getting carried away with your own insecurities, especially conflating your individual demands with what both of you require. Perhaps you need to be a more little introspective and sort out exactly why this is such a pressing issue.

 

[crystal_waters]

Hello,

I am recently married and I just moved in to the same house with my spouse. My spouse assured me that bedrooms, computers, files, etc. had been checked for mementos, cards, improper photos, and articles from past relationships. My spouse does not have a sterling past (neither do I), and I accepted it and thought it was a thing of the past. But as our lives continue to grow together (and as I clean areas in the house) I continue to run into items from former girlfriends (gifts, cards, inappropriate photos, even condoms).

I have asked my spouse to recheck areas in the house, but this has happened 5 or 6 times now, and it seems that my spouse is either ignorant to how thorough areas need to be reviewed or just doesn’t understand how much it affects me to see these items.

I’m at a loss as to what to do. We have talked about this several times, and I don’t want to be angry with him, but I feel like enough is enough. We need to start this marriage knowing our house is OURS, not riddled with past memories.

Any thoughts?

Why does this upset you?

Im assuming you knew about his previous relationships before you married him.?

Its not like he is cheating on you with these women…he probably didnt know the stuff was there…if you keep on at him it will eventually cause issues in your marriage …

You come across as insecure and needy in your post…but as much as you throw away his things…it wont erase his past and it wont erase his memories…and you shouldnt make him feel bad for relationships that happened before he got with you