Newlywed & fear of penetration

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rosie024

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Hi, I have been married now for 2 months and still have not consummated the marriage with my husband. Without being too graphic, we have had difficult joining our bodies. I have experienced severe pain and burning after attempting intercourse to which it was concluded I had a yeast infection. I was treated twice with oral
Medication. Every time my husband and I try to make love, fear overtakes me when he tries to enter into me and my body tenses up. Getting in the mood is not the issue, just the fear of penetration after having a painful and frustrating wedding night. Last year I also had a physical exam for immigration purposes and had a horrible experience when the female doctor examined my pelvis and inserted her fingers in me. Not only was it painful, it was very upsetting as I had no idea this would be done during the appointment. She did say when I married that I was a little tight and that my husband may have to first use his finger to stretch me, but I have even found that uncomfortable when he has tried. I discussed this with a priest and he assured me that other women have had this difficulty, but it’s a part of marriage and I must bear this cross and get through the hopefully short-lived pain. I agree completely but still have chickened out when it comes time. My husband has had the patience of a saint, but I dont want to be selfish and deny him.
I want to grow closer with him, share that beautiful intimacy, and of course make babies! I love him dearly and don’t want to deny giving all my love to him.Any advice, thoughts, or similar experiences?
 
Rosie, the fact is, it does hurt the first time. It’s NOT going to kill you.

At the risk of being too graphic. Position yourself on top. It gives you more control. Get some lubricant if you need to so there is no extra friction.

I’m gonna say Just do it! You are otherwise going to end up making this a big huge scary event. It shouldn’t be.

PS… most gyno exams are not comfy.
 
I can commiserate with you, I had a very similar experience my first time. It took a few months of trying…I agree with the previous suggestions. Lots of lubricant with plenty of wine. Also, take it very, very, very slow when attempting penetration.

You should also be checked out thoroughly by your doctor to rule out any medical issues.

You are absolutely not being selfish. Don’t beat yourself up like that! It sounds like you have a wonderful hubby with a lot of patience. That is great! Now you need to have patience with yourself. Slow down, relax, and don’t panic. You will get past this and pretty soon it will be a distant memory.
 
To be honest, it can be painful those first tries. It’s not unbearable pain, but I understand the scariness for you, especially if you don’t know what to expect. Try not to think of it in terms of what happened at your exam. Yes, something penetrates the area in both cases. But when it comes right down to it, exams like that are just not designed with comfort or pleasure in mind. They’re not fun. Sex, on the other hand, was designed to include physical pleasure.

It can take a while to “get used to each other” so to speak. The real fireworks don’t really start until you and your husband both figure out what works best for you. Without being too graphic, ask your husband to move slowly at first–to give your body a few moments to adjust to him. You might also want to try using a lubricant, as sometimes things are just too dry to be comfortable, especially when you’re nervous. A glass of wine after dinner might help you feel less nervous as well.

If you try all that and are still having trouble, then you might have a medical condition that is making things more difficult for you. It will require another exam, but if you can solve the problem it will all be worth it.
 
My first time and a few times after that was painful. This is quite normal. Just relax. It’s hard to do I know but it’s neccessary to reduce the pain. It’s a beautiful experience and since it’s your husband, nothing can top that moment. Insertion at the gyno should not happen with virgins. I refused that type of assessment back then. Even now pelvic exams are extremely uncomfortable and painful for me. I usually request that my husband (a nurse) stay with me . Don’t worry, pray and give yourself freely and fully to your husband.
 
Rosie,

I had the exact same problems when I got married. I also had difficulties with tampons and vaginal exams prior to getting married , but when I expressed this might cause problems consumating a marriage, people basically just treated me like I was immature. Doctors I went to kept telling me there was nothing physically wrong with me though I seemed tight. Some said my hymen seemed unusually thick. Some said that my PC muscles seemed a bit tight, but they all insisted it was nothing to be concerned about.

So I got married and it didn’t work. The attempts caused me extreme burning pain. I literally started crying it hurt so bad. Thankfully when I got married I was living in a different area that had doctors who actually knew of my condition. The condition is called vaginismus. Its a psychologically conditioned response that causes your PC muscles to uncontrollably tense at any attempt to be penetrated. Sometimes its only limited to intercourse. Sometimes its limited to all forms of penetration. The treatment involves reconditioning the muscles and psychological treatment.

If you want someone to talk to about it PM me. I also have a book on the issue. It has a whole section about how to get a proper diagnosis, and unlike the book, I’m Catholic and understand how frightening it is to be told "You need to insert this dialator inside of you to retrain your muscles and I’m like “Wait isn’t this a dildo?! How can I morally go through this?” Its hard enough staying motivated to persevere through the treatment. Not to mention the whole fear I had with being misguided away from the faith by a sex therapist or a councilor who might try consider my religion an impediment toward treatment and one of the contributing factors.
 
walnutleviosa said:
Insertion at the gyno should not happen with virgins. I refused that type of assessment back then. .
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I agree - I find (found) it really annoying being asked (and the assumption that you can / will use tampons). I had a woman doctor who was very sympathetic but I’m sure she thought I was weird refusing, I don’t think she’d come across a virgin out of her teens !

Rosie - I think it is a bit painful for most women at first, especially if your hymen is fully intact, but it really doesn’t last for long and once you’re used to it you can start to learn to enjoy each other. I agree a couple of glasses of wine - relax and take it very slowly !
 
walnutleviosa said:
My first time and a few times after that was painful. This is quite normal. Just relax. It’s hard to do I know but it’s neccessary to reduce the pain. It’s a beautiful experience and since it’s your husband, nothing can top that moment. Insertion at the gyno should not happen with virgins. I refused that type of assessment back then. Even now pelvic exams are extremely uncomfortable and painful for me. I usually request that my husband (a nurse) stay with me . Don’t worry, pray and give yourself freely and fully to your husband.
Click to expand...
There may be no reason for virgins to have Pap smears since most cases of cervical cancer are caused by HPV (as such the chance of getting cervical cancer are so slim that you’re not taking a huge risk in avoiding it). However, I don’t believe we can generalize and say that all vaginal exams are unnecessary for virgins, especially when they have problems. For instance, a person should not purchase over the counter yeast infection treatment cream if they’ve never had a yeast infection diagnosed by a doctor. And the test for a yeast infection does involve insertion.
 
twoangels said:
There may be no reason for virgins to have Pap smears since most cases of cervical cancer are caused by HPV (as such the chance of getting cervical cancer are so slim that you’re not taking a huge risk in avoiding it). However, I don’t believe we can generalize and say that all vaginal exams are unnecessary for virgins, especially when they have problems. For instance, a person should not purchase over the counter yeast infection treatment cream if they’ve never had a yeast infection diagnosed by a doctor. And the test for a yeast infection does involve insertion.
Click to expand...
No of course I agree where it really is needed for medical reasons fine but there does seem to be a lack of ‘respect’ and sensitivity on the issue as though it doesn’t really matter. Whereas (although I obviously I can’t speak for anyone else) I know it was a big issue for me.
 
i think you need practice, like they say it makes perfect, to make it easier you could just go get a vagi-wave and that will allow you to practice in private on your own, its used re oby/gyn so you are sin free 🙂 it worked for my mom as she went through this during menopause so if she used it as she was scared silly its kinda like where you are.

hope this helps.
 
SusanneT said:
No of course I agree where it really is needed for medical reasons fine but there does seem to be a lack of ‘respect’ and sensitivity on the issue as though it doesn’t really matter. Whereas (although I obviously I can’t speak for anyone else) I know it was a big issue for me.
Click to expand...
this is so true loads of women are shunning cervical screening/smears and they must go no matter what. I have this link on how imprtant a smear is, I hope everyone listens. From nhs richard winder.

“Unlike many cancers, cervical cancer is a largely preventable disease.
A woman can control her risk of developing the disease by being screened regularly.
Any abnormalities that might be found can then be treated in order that they do not go on to develop into cancer.Where a cervical cancer is found through screening, it is usually at a very early stage where treatment has a greater chance of success."

there are more on this website and you will also learn why smears are so important.

vagi-wave.co.uk/how-it-helps/smears-and-paps/
 
rosie024 said:
Hi, I have been married now for 2 months and still have not consummated the marriage with my husband. Without being too graphic, we have had difficult joining our bodies. I have experienced severe pain and burning after attempting intercourse to which it was concluded I had a yeast infection. I was treated twice with oral
Medication. Every time my husband and I try to make love, fear overtakes me when he tries to enter into me and my body tenses up. Getting in the mood is not the issue, just the fear of penetration after having a painful and frustrating wedding night. Last year I also had a physical exam for immigration purposes and had a horrible experience when the female doctor examined my pelvis and inserted her fingers in me. Not only was it painful, it was very upsetting as I had no idea this would be done during the appointment. She did say when I married that I was a little tight and that my husband may have to first use his finger to stretch me, but I have even found that uncomfortable when he has tried. I discussed this with a priest and he assured me that other women have had this difficulty, but it’s a part of marriage and I must bear this cross and get through the hopefully short-lived pain. I agree completely but still have chickened out when it comes time. My husband has had the patience of a saint, but I dont want to be selfish and deny him.
I want to grow closer with him, share that beautiful intimacy, and of course make babies! I love him dearly and don’t want to deny giving all my love to him.Any advice, thoughts, or similar experiences?
Click to expand...
Pray God, pray Holy Mary, pray your Patron saint, pray your keeper Angel for your conjugal sexual life;

Trust to your soul, to your psyche, to your body, to your sexual physiology: trust to you;

Visit the catholic doctors, the catholic sexologists, the catholic psychologists, the catholic priests, the catholic ethicists;

Take the medical treatments (psychological treatments, mental treatments, physical treatments), the moral treatments, and then the spiritual treatments;

Trust to your husband for the foreplay and the sexual foreplay done on your body: the preliminaries, the sexual preliminaries (mental, moral, psychological, spiritual, physical), the massages, the touchings, the kisses, the licks, the suctions on your erogenous parts and on your sexual organs, take long time during your attempting;

Make some sexual efforts and some sexual sacrifices in favor of your husband (give him your body and try to force yourself, step by step.)
 
Been there, done that, got the unfortunate tear-stained pillowcase. While we can’t give medical advice here on forums, I can give personal anecdotes (right?). I felt similar (though not quite as extreme) sensations, and reading up on vaginismus and methods to help break what is essentially mental conditioning was very helpful. Also helpful: Astroglide. While it doesn’t make everything automatically 100% better because of tension in your own body, it does help, especially because the tension and nervousness don’t exactly help your body to prepare itself.

PM me if you’d like - I’m more than happy to chat.
 
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