Newlywed Husbands: Support / Advice

[EsclavoDeCristo]

As a newly married man (July 14th) I thought it would be good to start a thread where newly married men could chat and support each other in their new vocation.

 

[manualman]

Does 8 years disqualify me?

I DO remember! Resolve fights and say you’re sorry. Time only festers it if you don’t.

Get your NFP plans in place now and learn as much as you can about WHY contraception is so harmful (you’re going to be mighty tempted). Stick it out, even if you hate it for a couple years. Consider that it might be hard because you grew up in a sexually devastated culture, which makes it difficult to live a healthy sexuality.

Support each other in in-law conflicts (inevitable). SHE comes first and you ALWAYS take her side in the in-person conflict. Back off later if private discussions reveal her wrongness to her. Make sure your apron strings are cut!

Leave the seat down and get your OWN tube of toothpaste. Save your ammo for more important matters. Who cares how the seat gets left?

She should have the newer, nicer, safer car. Get life insurance on you at least.

Basically love her as Christ loves the church (notice that cross?).

 

[Jay2]

Get your NFP plans in place now and learn as much as you can about WHY contraception is so harmful (you’re going to be mighty tempted). Stick it out, even if you hate it for a couple years. Consider that it might be hard because you grew up in a sexually devastated culture, which makes it difficult to live a healthy sexuality.

BS… to quote yourself stick it out and be a man. You’re not alone my friend… we’re tempted every single night she takes her clothes off and climbs into our bed… Woman just inches away…

Support each other in in-law conflicts (inevitable). SHE comes first and you ALWAYS take her side in the in-person conflict. Back off later if private discussions reveal her wrongness to her. Make sure your apron strings are cut!

NO… She does not always come first. What happens is that the difference of opinion gets discussed at a later (and more appropriate time). You didn’t (hopefully) marry your mommy.

Leave the seat down and get your OWN tube of toothpaste. Save your ammo for more important matters. Who cares how the seat gets left?

If you havent’ worked out toothpaste & toilet seats by now why did you get married in the 1st place??

This is trivial ____… this is the stuff that PROVES that couples do not TALK to eachother.

 

[Gerry_Hunter]

Ogden Nash advised, in “Advice to Husbands”:

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in your loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it.
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

I’ll leave it to the newlyweds now, by noting that your wives are gifts from God, and by his grace and commitment by both of you to the marriage, they will be 40 years from now, too.

Blessings,

Gerry

 

[manualman]

1. BS… to quote yourself stick it out and be a man. You’re not alone my friend… we’re tempted every single night she takes her clothes off and climbs into our bed… Woman just inches away…
2. NO… She does not always come first. What happens is that the difference of opinion gets discussed at a later (and more appropriate time). You didn’t (hopefully) marry your mommy.
3. If you havent’ worked out toothpaste & toilet seats by now why did you get married in the 1st place??
4. This is trivial ____… this is the stuff that PROVES that couples do not TALK to eachother.

Not sure who peed in your cornflakes Jay, but read me closer.

1. NFP is hard. It WILL be hard for a few years. Call BS all you want, but if he’s a normal American guy, he will have a hard time resisting the temptations of contraception.
2. In a conflict with inlaws, she had better come first. Many guys fail to sever the obedience to mommy initially as newlyweds. Major source of conflict.
3. I guess I assumed this is a catholic forum and they haven’t been living in sin. Moving in together upon marrying is a major adjustment and these ‘trivial’ things can add conflict when couples fail to realize they are trivial. Read some Saint Paul, Jay. Wives are called to obedience to husbands, but husbands are called to love their bride as Christ loved the church. Maybe you’ve noticed, Christ gave up EVERYTHING for His church… Starting with the small stuff is where men learn to sacrifice the big stuff when necessary.
4. Nobody claimed this to be a complete how-to marriage textbook. You don’t know me from Adam and you have NO basis for claiming my wife and I fail to talk to each other. There are some words for guys like you, but forum rules prevent me from using them.

 

[Jay2]

Not sure who peed in your cornflakes Jay, but read me closer.

Well, I like “Raisin Bran”… and re-reading my post I should probably eat more of it… I musta been a little bound up… in reply:

I don’t disagree NFP is hard… extremely hard in the first few years when “it’s” finally OK!.. but consider it the test of patience that it is, and make the BEST of the time when you can.

I’ll still hold my position on the in-law thing. You are (finally) establishing your own household, hopefully incorporating the things you like about your parent’s home, making a compromise between your respective upbringings, and getting rid of the things you both dispised. Standing by your spouse (in domestic issues) does not mean giving up your 50% of the vote.

Well it is a Catholic Forum, and I also assumed the couple in question weren’t “co-habitating”…
But, I’m quite sure that anyone contemplating marriage, or has announced engagement and is planning a wedding, has spent enough time together (and in their respective homes/apmts.) to know a few “pet peeves” about eachother… toothpaste caps & toilet seat position were mentioned, how about:
If the TP comes off the top, or behind the roll?

And no, I don’t know you, your wife, or if your TP comes off the top or from underneith… The point I was trying to emphasize is that people/couples tend to not talk about these little annoyances and resolve them. They tend to let them build, and then when the floodgates open with a “real” problem, these petty little things come out like sprinkles of gasoline on a fire.

 

[Nechasin]

I’ll still hold my position on the in-law thing. You are (finally) establishing your own household, hopefully incorporating the things you like about your parent’s home, making a compromise between your respective upbringings, and getting rid of the things you both dispised. Standing by your spouse (in domestic issues) does not mean giving up your 50% of the vote.

I’ll agree with ManualMan on this one. If you don’t know all of the details, and it comes down to a he said, she said case, you have to go with your spouse. It is not about giving up your 50% of the vote. In saying she always comes first, I believe he is referring to first before the parents. Re-read ManualMan original post.

Support each other in in-law conflicts (inevitable). SHE comes first and you ALWAYS take her side in the in-person conflict. Back off later if private discussions reveal her wrongness to her. Make sure your apron strings are cut!

It will not be good o support your mother in a he said/she said argument if you don’t know all the details. Support your wife and defuse the situation.

There will be one in-law you will not get along with. Recognize who that is, and take steps to prevent irritation with that person. Recognize that that person is a relative and (possibly loved one of your spouse.) Try not to destroy that relationship. If you can’t say anything nice, limit your time around them so you don’t say anything mean or you will regret later.

Keep in mind that everyone’s relationship works a differently. In 7 years of marriage, my wife and I have spent less than 5 nights apart for reasons other than work. Other friends of ours that got married a few months after us spend a lot of time apart and I think their marriage is just as healthy as ours.

Communication is one of the most important things that you can do. Most guys have a problem with just listening. We want to solve the problem, where women (my wife at least) just wants to vent her frustrations. Try to learn when she is venting and when she is asking for help. Alot of the times it will sound the same.

By the way, what is considered a newlywed…it seems that a lot of us guys that are responding are in the 7-10 year time frame.

 

[Jay2]

In saying she always comes first, I believe he is referring to first before the parents

Maybe I’m a little dense, but with your statement, & re-reading the other I now get the jist of it… and DO agree.
Yes, stand by your spouse in support of a couple vs. in-laws situation.

Back to the OP’s question…
Short story… indulge me.
I’m single, and in a 50/50 partnership with a house with my mother. We both live there. I get married, and I move into (now) wife’s apartment. FFwd 6 mos… Mom gets re-married, and sells her 1/2 of the house to me. I (and wife) move back into my old house.
My mom’s not a slob. The house is near surgical when we move in.

My new MIL & FIL offer to help move us from the apartment to the house. We gladly accept. While I, wife, & FIL are shlepping boxes in, my new MIL starts CLEANING… HER WAY… even brings in her own totebox of chemicals and supplies!

I bite my tongue for 3 hours until she pulls the knobs off the stove and starts scrubbing them with a toothbrush. That tears it.
(Quite surprisingly) I calmly ask “Thanks for all the help today, but it’s time to go… we can handle the rest.” “But… But I’m not done with the kitchen…” (my wife can see I’m on a low-boil), she says “Mom, it’s time to go”. They pack up and leave.
After my wife & I get a coupla cold-ones from the fridge and flop she turns to me and says “Thank You”.
“For What???”
“Standing up to my mom, and asking her to stop cleaning and leave!..all during college and even in my own place she’d show up and sterilize… I could never do that.”

So, advise you ask?
Establish right away that it is your house/home… not theirs, or even an extension of theirs… and you’ll do things the way that you & your spouse see fit.

 

[Kanda]

As a newly married man (July 14th) I thought it would be good to start a thread where newly married men could chat and support each other in their new vocation.

I’m not a husband but I just wanted to say congratulations and wish you a happy life together.

 

[montanaman]

Well, I’ve got about six days until my “newlywed” status is officially over, but I’ve learned a few things. Here’s my advice.

1. Pick your battles. Some things are important, some are not. Learn the difference or perish.
2. You don’t have to be Hercules and Cyrano–a kind word or work from time to time will melt her heart.
3. Sometimes it doesn’t hurt to wear a cowboy hat. You know what I mean.
4. Learn to be a leader, but don’t ACT like a leader–especially if you have no idea what being a leader means.
5. Sometimes, a backrub is just a backrub. (Repeat as often as necessary).
6. Honor your mother and father–but stand by your wife.
7. Under no circumstances are you ever to _______. (You fill in the blank. It’s different in different marriages, but knowing the absolute boundaries, and I mean ABSOLUTE, are crucial for everyone’s happiness.)
8. Fight naked. I got that advice somewhere on the board, and it works well. For extra disarming power, refer to #3.
9. Turn off the damn TV! You are the provider–TV is a luxury to be enjoyed after you’ve fulfilled all the requirements of your vocation for the day.
10. Go for walks. Seriously–this has been so good for us.

I’m sure I’ve learned more, but that’s my off-the-top-of-my-head list.

 

[manualman]

You gotta love a guy who can give a punch, take one back and NOT escalate from there.

Kudos to Jay2.

 

[whatevergirl]

As a newly married man (July 14th) I thought it would be good to start a thread where newly married men could chat and support each other in their new vocation.

Turthfully…most things we have learned in kindergarten…but the most important thing that stands out is…

Treat one another the way you’d expect to be treated. Be respectful. Don’t interrupt when the other is trying to explain something. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

I wish you great blessings in your new marriage.

 

[DJgang]

I’m a girl can I reply…

Simply say Thank You very often. From cooking a meal, to pushing out your child…please say Thank You.

 

[Maxply]

Here’s extremely effective and cheap advice: pitch your television set.

You’ll have plenty more time to discuss what’s happening and what’s coming up, and plenty of time to come to agreement about major things.

And more time to just do things together.

(NFP ain’t so bad! Part of the secret there is to stop thinking of yourself as sex-driven, and to consider yourself as being able to control yourself more than an animal. You would be surprised at how many couples are secretly using NFP.)

 

[faithful2005]

Firstly, Congratulations! Secondly, good luck keeping us wives from throwing in our 2 cents on your thread. Thirdly, newlywed or not, my advice is to put God first, your wife second, and yourself last and to make it a conscious choice to do so each day. Pray together, especially the Rosary, and be appreciative of things, big and small. My .02, keep the change.

 

[irishmac]

Hi everybody,

I’m a newlywed (June 9th) and my marriage is off to a splendid start. I would like to thank you all for your great words of advice. There is just one thing that is driving me nuts! My wife and I did not co-habitate before marriage, so the moving in process is the most aggrevating part of it. She lived in our condo while I lived with my parents. (I won’t go into how excrutiating that was.) She’s kind of a pack rat, though, and really did not prepare for another person moving with her. She has an extremely difficult time throwing useless stuff away. How can I motivate her to reduce the clutter and make room for me in the house? How do I tell her how aggrevating it is for me to pick up clutter that I didn’t create? I wasn’t a neat-freak in my childhood/ teenage years, but I don’t think I’ve ever had this much junk before. It is just so irritating some times. Any advice?

Dominus vobsicum

 

[Jay2]

Oh you make me chuckle… and remember!

Trust me (and other “old married farts”) that eventually the trappings of “singledom” will find their way into boxes in the attic.
(Then after 2 or 3 moves they’ll be winnowed out and become garage-sale or dumpster fodder)

Just tread gently on asking someone to toss 20+ years of “stuff” in of 90 days of marriage… it’ll take years. Start now on “inner cheek toughening”… suck a hunk of your cheek between your teeth and bite down 'till it hurts… repeat 10 times daily… Next time you want to spout off about something - gnaw on that now-toughened cheek meat a few minutes and re-think your words.

As far a day-to-day clutter you’ll have to find your own compromise… scooping up all of her “stuff” and putting it in a big pile in the bathroom doorway works - but be prepared for repercussions! (and be sure none of “your” stuff is out of place).

COMMUNICATION. The primary secret to a great marriage… and one so easily forgotten. Talk to eachother.
Another tip, NEVER go to bed together angry. Sleep on the couch, whatever… just don’t share your bed when your PO’d.

 

[EsclavoDeCristo]

Thanks everyone for your advice. It is greatly appreciated. Especially thanks to the reminder from one of the wives who said put God #1, wife #2 and you #3 and remember that EVERY day. Although I know that it is easy to get caught up in work, school and marriage.

God is good! May He continue to bless each of us and bring fruitfullness to our vocations. And may we continue to evangelize with our lives!

~Praise Him!:bowdown:

 

[kms123]

Basics:

God first, spouse is second.
Cherish her, she will respect you.
Even lusting for your wife is sinful. Never look at her this way.
Communication-(verbally) utmost importance.
Patience, patience, patience

Read-Theology of Body for beginners, Christopher West-marriage books. (minimum)

Leave the seat down. It is no fun falling in in the middle of the night.

Oh, and find time for a weekly DATE!

Best Wishes!

 

[Nichevo]

We’ll celebrate 6 years in December along with welcoming baby #2 right before then. What have I learned since that first cold December night 6 years ago?

1. Never go to bed angry, whatever it is, work it out as best you can and then go to sleep.
2. NFP is wonderful, make sure you learn as much as you can along with her. It also works when done right, we can vouch for this. (Also, you will enjoy life far more with a wife not dealing with having her horomones messed with due to artificial contraception.)
3. Always remember what night is trash night. (and put the trash out.)
4. Never eat or drink the last ______ in the fridge, especiallly if you know she likes it.
5. If you don’t know how to cook, learn.
6. If she ever asks you your opinion about another woman’s dress, appearance, attractiveness, etc, the correct answer is, “what woman?”
7. On her birthday, send flowers to her mom as well with a thank you card. On your birthday send some to your mom.
8. Watch as little TV as possible.
9. While dinner together is good, try having a nice lazy breakfast together once a week. Saturday is perfect for this.
10. Thank God for your wife every day and do your best to be worthy of the gift you’ve been given.