NFP and marriage question

[agentlank]

I just came into the church Easter 2015, it was beautiful and I have no regrets about it at all.

However some of the teachings of the church are causing much turmoil and angst within my marriage.

We have 4 beautiful children and have been married for 8 years. I converted and she did not, I want to obey God’s laws and the church’s teachings to the best of my ability and in particular NFP.

Prior to Catholicism being on the radar, the burden of birth control was on me…withdraw was our ‘method’. Upon reading theology of the body and becoming more interested in the Church I decided that our ‘method’ was no longer acceptable.

My wife says that I’m being a hypocrite if i’m using NFP and says that if i’m not willing to be completely open to life at any point during her cycle then I’m not really following the church’s teachings.

This NFP and abstinence battle has been going on for about a year now…she has threatened to get her tubes tied, she used the pill for a couple of months, and she in constantly angry at me for what I have “chosen” to do.

I’ve spoke with various priests, some say that I shouldn’t abstain and I should ‘love’ my wife and that it was essentially ok to “pullback”. In my mind he is a rather liberal priest who doesn’t want to uphold the churches teachings on NFP.

Another priest told me that this is my cross and that I chose it. Basically he said suck it up.

I just don’t have a lot of confidence right now or support. Secular society and all of our friends and family would think I’m crazy for abstaining and or not using birth control…I don’t know what to do. Financially we are not in a position to have another child at this time…our oldest is only 6 and the youngest is 18 months.

 

[pensmama87]

I would find a priest that you can trust, and follow his advice, and not second guess by consulting other priests.

You might also consider marriage counseling (maybe get a referral from the priest you find that you trust?) because this is a very big change for your wife and while contraception is gravely immoral, you have to realize that she may never see it that way.

One thing that often gets brought up on threads like this is that you are not under a moral obligation to abstain from relations with your wife if she chooses to contracept.

I will pray for you and your wife. This is a very hard situation.

 

[agentlank]

Thank you for your advice and kind words. Prayers are much needed…I have so much doubt going through my head. I’m afraid that I may be ruining my marriage but at the same time I feel obligated to attempt to gently uphold the church’s teachings.

 

[Regina7]

The ideas behind Theology of the Body and nfp make sense even on a non-Catholic level. Using nfp can create better communication, respect and allow for finding different ways of showing love (non-sexual). Creighton nfp is great for monitoring women’s health. Creighton monitoring can show infections and cancer.

Perhaps if you discussed these different benefits, she’d be more open?

 

[underacloud]

agentlank,

What is your wife’s suggestion? She used the Pill and then stopped - why?

As pensmama87 noted, if she chooses to contracept against your wishes you are not required to abstain.

One thing that often gets brought up on threads like this is that you are not under a moral obligation to abstain from relations with your wife if she chooses to contracept.

While you can’t encourage your wife to contracept, at some point it is prudent to stop objecting too strenuously. It sounds like you and your wife have already reached this point.

 

[agentlank]

Thank you for the suggestions…however I should have noted that she is nurse in women’s health and doesn’t have much confidence in ‘NFP’.

It seems as though it is all “my fault” and that these are my choices and that I need to choose differently. That is actually what I hear quite often.

For anyone who can answer…the point of NFP is to avoid fertile times of a woman’s cycle if you aren’t ready for a pregnancy or conversely identify those fertile periods to have a better chance of achieving pregnancy.

If we aren’t ready to have another child then I should avoid fertile times of the month…she says I’m being a hypocrite and that isn’t being ‘opened’ to life as Catholics say they are.

 

[underacloud]

If we aren’t ready to have another child then I should avoid fertile times of the month…she says I’m being a hypocrite and that isn’t being ‘opened’ to life as Catholics say they are.

This is a common misunderstanding of the Catholic position. The doctrine is not about whether it is acceptable or not to avoid pregnancy - whether we always need to be “open to life”. In fact, the Church encourages responsible parenthood and the need at times to avoid conception. The doctrine merely deals with the acceptable means to achieve this, and it has been determined that cooperation with natural cycles is in accordance with God’s design, whereas artificial means are not.

I would encourage you to read Humanae Vitae if you haven’t yet:

w2.vatican.va/content/paul-vi/en/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-vi_enc_25071968_humanae-vitae.html

Of course, this is somewhat beside the point. Your wife is unlikely to agree with the Church’s position even if she is corrected on her misunderstandings. It is important to be well informed, but I do not expect that it will in itself resolve any issues for you.

The reality is that you’ve changed the rules now and wish to impose a moral obligation that she does not agree with. The Church recognises the difficulties of these situations and has provided some guideliness on how to deal with them. You need to undertand the doctrine itself (as above) and the pastoral guidelines (I’ll try to find a link) on how to deal with these sorts of issues, and then try to find a way forward with your wife.

 

[LongingSoul]

Thank you for the suggestions…however I should have noted that she is nurse in women’s health and doesn’t have much confidence in ‘NFP’.

It seems as though it is all “my fault” and that these are my choices and that I need to choose differently. That is actually what I hear quite often.

For anyone who can answer…the point of NFP is to avoid fertile times of a woman’s cycle if you aren’t ready for a pregnancy or conversely identify those fertile periods to have a better chance of achieving pregnancy.

If we aren’t ready to have another child then I should avoid fertile times of the month…she says I’m being a hypocrite and that isn’t being ‘opened’ to life as Catholics say they are.

As has been explained previously, if your wife chooses contraception herself you are not required to abstain so long as she clearly knows your wishes. You should not take any contraceptive measures yourself though such as ‘withdrawal’ or condoms. She has the means to achieve contraception if that is her choice but she is not permitted to force you to go against your beliefs and take those measures yourself.

 

[alphawoman]

I just want to offer a perspective of hope in addition to the good feedback that you’re receiving.

God loves us all so much, knows our hearts, and is merciful. Sometimes we aren’t ready to receive and accept a Church teaching at one point, but God opens our hearts at a later time when we are ready, or brings us closer to him when the issue is no longer pertinent to us personally.

My mother is a recent convert to Catholicism who, despite her obvious love of and devotion to God, still doesn’t fully accept the Church’s teaching on contraception. She doesn’t talk openly about the subject or try to convince people to act against Church teaching, she just wouldn’t herself practice what birth control the Church permits (NFP) if she were pre-menopausal. That, to me, is a divine mercy: God welcoming imperfect people into his fold when physical or life limitations render moral decisions moot where those people might otherwise have acted against the Church’s teachings.

Maybe your wife will come around on this issue, maybe not. Pray for her and trust that God is hearing your prayers. Sometimes the journey to faith is a roundabout and counterintuitive process, and we have to just trust in God. Remember the story of the hired workers and the equality of wages they were offered by the employer, irrespective of the time they started work. Yes, some were ready to work for God (the employer) earlier than others, but what God valued was that they worked for him at all. Amazing.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Thank you for the suggestions…however I should have noted that she is nurse in women’s health and doesn’t have much confidence in ‘NFP’.

It seems as though it is all “my fault” and that these are my choices and that I need to choose differently. That is actually what I hear quite often.

For anyone who can answer…the point of NFP is to avoid fertile times of a woman’s cycle if you aren’t ready for a pregnancy or conversely identify those fertile periods to have a better chance of achieving pregnancy.

If we aren’t ready to have another child then I should avoid fertile times of the month…she says I’m being a hypocrite and that isn’t being ‘opened’ to life as Catholics say they are.

So, she does not have confidence in NFP but is ok with withdrawl? Sounds like a horrible education for nursing on her part. At some point logic would seem to be needed.

 

[PennyinCanada]

My wife says that I’m being a hypocrite if i’m using NFP and says that if i’m not willing to be completely open to life at any point during her cycle then I’m not really following the church’s teachings.

She is wrong. She misunderstands the Church’s teaching.
When I was engaged we went to NFP classes and I had some time to chart and gain confidence that I could tell when I ovulated and when ovulation was delayed. For years I had periods that varied in length and always got surprised when my period came. I wished I had learned NFP years earlier, it would have saved me a lot of grief not knowing what the heck was going on! It was very helpful for doctor appointments as well. NFP is information gathering. As a nurse your wife may come to appreciate that point and hopefully share it with her clients under her care at some point down the road.

Welcome home. I have great hope that you’ll be in a different place in 5 years! I’m glad you’re here. May you find the encouragement and support that you need, and God be with you during this difficult transition.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I would find a priest that you can trust, and follow his advice, and not second guess by consulting other priests…

Yes. With the addition that the priest is in line with the moral guides of God and His Holy Church. That he consulted one priest who “ok’d” Withdrawl is not only irresponsible to souls but medically as well.

Some priests should really be outed for this. I have received ABC advice in the confessional several times. All I want is absolution… Not something that is against the faith!!

 

[agentlank]

Some priests should really be outed for this. I have received ABC advice in the confessional several times. All I want is absolution… Not something that is against the faith!!

I agree completely and it took me a few times going to confession to realize that priests’ advice is not infallible. Confession isn’t meant to be a counselling session, it is there for absolution.

 

[CouldBNE1]

Withdrawl is not only irresponsible to souls but medically as well.

I don’t disagree with what you’ve said, but how it is medically irresponsible? (A link would be fine, if you have one-) Sorry- sometimes I’m curious to a fault.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I don’t disagree with what you’ve said, but how it is medically irresponsible? (A link would be fine, if you have one-) Sorry- sometimes I’m curious to a fault.

While I’m not sure what HD meant, here’s one point: a priest who tells a Catholic couple who must avoid children for medical reasons (example: mom nearly bled to death at last delivery, had a C-section two months ago, is undergoing cancer treatment, whatever) that they can practice withdrawal is, leaving aside the moral issues, recommending a very ineffective method of birth control. Studies show withdrawal has a failure rate ranging from 15% in some cases to nearly 30% in others, both of which are far too high a failure rate when the mother could die if she got pregnant again.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I don’t disagree with what you’ve said, but how it is medically irresponsible? (A link would be fine, if you have one-) Sorry- sometimes I’m curious to a fault.

We have to be careful and not give medical advice on the boards but in short. If one were needed to avoid pregnancy for medical reasons or grave reasons. And they were advised to do so by withdrawal that would be irresponsible because it is not a reliable method. It is irresponsible morally also especially from a priest who should know better on why the marital embrace has to end a certain way. Priests who ignore those issues are jeopardizing the penitent soul, body and indeed their own soul.

If the OP’s wife gave the advice to someone to withdraw as a method of Birth Control she could possibly be liable for malpractice…

Having sinned and used the withdraw practice for years on my wife’s fertile days I can tell you we have at least one child from doing that.

 

[CouldBNE1]

Thank you for the clarification, Hoosier Daddy. That makes total sense.