NFP and my wife

[emill311]

Ok, first a brief background- my wife and I were born and raised in the Catholic Church. We were married in the Catholic Church 10 years ago. I will simply say that neither of us were ever particularly into practicing the faith (cafeteria Cath.). We have used contraceptives through our whole marriage, except for when we were trying to conceive (we have 3 children).

I’ve recently really begun to educate myself more about Catholic teaching and I’ve come to realize it is the Word and the Truth of God. I am repairing my relationship with the Lord and trying to live a more faith-filled life. My wife doesn’t share my burning desire to be closer to Jesus, and she is quite annoyed (at times a bit hostile) at my change in attitude.

I can no longer in good conscience use birth control- I have come to realize that it truly IS a sin against God’s plan for marriage. I am not trying to pressure my wife into any conversion of the heart or being judgemental/critical of her in any way, but I hope and pray that through changing the way I live she will be inspired to be closer to Christ as well. She is angry at me and sceptical for some justifiable reasons, in the past I have gone through “phases” where my behavior has changed, and I’ve not always treated her with the love and respect that a wife deserves- at times I was an outright b*stard through our 10 years of marriage and I know I have caused serious long-lasting emotional damage. I am trying to heal the wounds, and I know we need counseling (I am considering Retrouvaille) but that is another topic.

I have convinced her for now to “look into” Natural Family Planning- she is very resistant because of her preconceived notions of NFP (that it is unreliable, that her body is too complex to understand reliably, that she is too fertile for it to be effective, etc.etc.). She is terrified of becoming pregnant again because for one, we absolutely cannot afford it, and secondly through her previous pregnancies I treated her horribly and she is afraid of going through that again (I understand of her feelings).

I don’t know much about NFP, so here are a few questions:

1. How reliable is it when used properly? I’ve heard NFP is scientifically/medically validated as a form of birth control (if I can call it that). Is this true?
2. Is it a sin to use NFP to try and avoid pregnancy for a legitimate reason? What constitutes a legitimate reason?
3. Any suggestions on dealing gently with a skeptical spouse regarding NFP? Throwing the Catechism at her ain’t gonna work.
4. Can you recommend any good books that explain NFP, as to how it works, how it is applied in practical application? I’d be happy to read any official Church writing on NFP, but I’d like some writing from “outside” sources for my wife- she would be more receptive right now to a medical perspective. Any books by doctors on NFP?

I am going to look into an NFP class through my diocese, but it would be easier to warm my wife up to the idea if I can show her that it “works”

Please pray for us to work through this and our other problems! Thank you for your support

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I don’t know much about NFP, so here are a few questions:

1. How reliable is it when used properly? I’ve heard NFP is scientifically/medically validated as a form of birth control (if I can call it that). Is this true?
2. Is it a sin to use NFP to try and avoid pregnancy for a legitimate reason? What constitutes a legitimate reason?
3. Any suggestions on dealing gently with a skeptical spouse regarding NFP? Throwing the Catechism at her ain’t gonna work.
4. Can you recommend any good books that explain NFP, as to how it works, how it is applied in practical application? I’d be happy to read any official Church writing on NFP, but I’d like some writing from “outside” sources for my wife- she would be more receptive right now to a medical perspective. Any books by doctors on NFP?

I am going to look into an NFP class through my diocese, but it would be easier to warm my wife up to the idea if I can show her that it “works”

Please pray for us to work through this and our other problems! Thank you for your support

**
We were in a similar situation a few years ago (although I was not yet Catholic). A word of advice, drop it. With your wife. Do all of your research on your own, and don’t bring it up again until you have an understanding of how it works and a a plan on how to learn. If you are considering Retrouvaille, do that first:thumbsup:.

Now, I’ll answer your questions as best as I am able.

1. NFP, when learned and used properly, is as effective as the Pill. If cycles are very easy to read and you are very conservative with the rules, I would have to say (my opinion only) that it is 100% effective. It is impossible to get pregnant when there is no egg. NFP tells you how to figure out when ovulation occurs and how long the fertile phase lasts… don’t have sex in or near a fertile time and pregnancy is not possible.
2. It is not a sin to use NFP to plan/space your family. NFP is only knowledge. Now, if you use that knowledge in a sinful way…that is between you and God.
3. Patience. Prayer. Lead by example. Do not bring it up again until you have been through Retrouvaille *and ***you have a basic grasp of the concept. The thought of using NFP scared the heck out of me when hubby first brought it up. I resisted for a long time… but his prayers (and his lack of pushing) eventually had me curious to learn more.

4.The best book for your wife right now (can usually be found at the library) is called “taking charge of your fertility” by toni weschler. It is a secular book and very scientific but easy to understand. There are obviously some non-Catholic ideas (like using condoms during fertile times) that you can address later as the need arises.

Like I said, take things slowly. If you can show your wife that this is not a “phase”, that you are working on becoming a better husband, and that you will not pressure her she MIGHT come around. But ultimately she has free will…so prayer and being a good husband will be your best “tools”.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I don’t know much about NFP, so here are a few questions:

1. How reliable is it when used properly? I’ve heard NFP is scientifically/medically validated as a form of birth control (if I can call it that). Is this true?
2. Is it a sin to use NFP to try and avoid pregnancy for a legitimate reason? What constitutes a legitimate reason?
3. Any suggestions on dealing gently with a skeptical spouse regarding NFP? Throwing the Catechism at her ain’t gonna work.
4. Can you recommend any good books that explain NFP, as to how it works, how it is applied in practical application? I’d be happy to read any official Church writing on NFP, but I’d like some writing from “outside” sources for my wife- she would be more receptive right now to a medical perspective. Any books by doctors on NFP?

I am going to look into an NFP class through my diocese, but it would be easier to warm my wife up to the idea if I can show her that it “works”

Please pray for us to work through this and our other problems! Thank you for your support

First off… you and your family are in my prayers.

Here’s some background on me… we’ve been married for almost 8 years, and have 3 children, and we have used NFP from the beginning. None of our children have been “accidents” (bad term)… NFP has worked flawlessly for us.

To answer your question…

1. How reliable is it when used properly? I’ve heard NFP is scientifically/medically validated as a form of birth control (if I can call it that). Is this true?

Yes, when used conservatively it can be 99% effective.

1. Is it a sin to use NFP to try and avoid pregnancy for a legitimate reason? What constitutes a legitimate reason?

This is something you’ll have to prayerfully discern yourself. It may be prudent to talk to your priest about this and get some spiritual advice.

1. Any suggestions on dealing gently with a skeptical spouse regarding NFP? Throwing the Catechism at her ain’t gonna work.

You can reference all the health benefits! There are MANY reasons to use NFP other than just the moral reasons!

1. Can you recommend any good books that explain NFP, as to how it works, how it is applied in practical application? I’d be happy to read any official Church writing on NFP, but I’d like some writing from “outside” sources for my wife- she would be more receptive right now to a medical perspective. Any books by doctors on NFP?

A REALLY GREAT non-religious based book is called “Taking Charge of Your Fertility”… GET IT! (it’s at most bookstores)… and here’s the website… tcoyf.com/

Also, nfpandmore.com/nfphowto.shtml, ccli.org/

Good luck and God bless!

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Malia has given great advice.

I just wanted to add, my husband and I were in a similar situation. We were both cafeteria Catholics, then we reverted. First he did, then a long time after, I did.

NFP was the last road block. Part of it was fear on my part. But I changed and haven’t used artificial contraceptives for over 5 years. I wish only that there was more support in the medical community . Maybe if she got to speak with an NFP only doctor?

What I would advise to you is to keep praying for your wife. See if she’ll come to Mass with you. Maybe watch EWTN (which is what my DH used to do) then she might be interested to watch it too. And have faith and patience…God Bless.

 

[Cairone]

One word of advice I have for you is patience above anything else. I hit a point about a year ago when I was stunned with the realization that the Catholic Church taught the Truth, the whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth. My wife was similarly skeptical, especially since part of the manifestation of my rediscovered faith was a hearty appetite for Catholic writing to help me learn. In the past, I have eagerly devoured material on particular topics, only to burn out after a few months. So my wife suspected that this was just another fad that would fade.

A year later, she’s starting to decide that maybe this is the real thing, but she’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop. So the lesson is, time will help. It might take a year or two, or even longer. In the meantime, pray, pray, and pray some more.

As for NFP… The only thing I have to add is that if you cannot get your wife to go along with NFP, then keep in mind that it is not necessarily sinful to have sex with your wife as long as you yourself are not using any birth control (i.e., if she uses the Pill or some other contraceptive that no way involves your explicit consent). Of course, there’s a danger here of becoming complacent or excusing sinful behavior with the clause “well, she’s the one doing it, not me”. That’s a tough razor-edge to walk.

–Cairone

 

[1ke]

1. How reliable is it when used properly? I’ve heard NFP is scientifically/medically validated as a form of birth control (if I can call it that). Is this true?

Yes, it is very effective. It is as, or more, effective than any contraceptive.

1. Is it a sin to use NFP to try and avoid pregnancy for a legitimate reason? What constitutes a legitimate reason?

Yes, you may avoid for a time or indefinitely for a just reason. The couple discerns the reason, and whether it is just. A just reason conforms to the Church’s objective moral criteria-- so it cannot be for an immoral reason. Vanity, greed, selfishness, etc, are immoral reasons. Financial, physical, emotional, or other serious situations are not immoral.

1. Any suggestions on dealing gently with a skeptical spouse regarding NFP? Throwing the Catechism at her ain’t gonna work.

Knowledge is power. The aforementioned Taking Charge of Your Ferility is a great (although secular) resource.

These…

www.ccli.org
www.creightonmodel.com and www.fertilitycare.org
www.marquette.edu/nursing/NFP/Model.shtml
www.boma-usa.org

…are all great websites…

1. Can you recommend any good books that explain NFP, as to how it works, how it is applied in practical application? I’d be happy to read any official Church writing on NFP, but I’d like some writing from “outside” sources for my wife- she would be more receptive right now to a medical perspective. Any books by doctors on NFP?

See above. TCOYF, The Art of Natural Family Planning, and the websites are all great resources.

Creighton books can only be obtained by attending Creighton classes, but the Creighton model of NFP was created by Dr. Hilgers and the Billings model was created by the Drs. Billings.

 

[emill311]

One word of advice I have for you is patience above anything else. I hit a point about a year ago when I was stunned with the realization that the Catholic Church taught the Truth, the whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth. My wife was similarly skeptical, especially since part of the manifestation of my rediscovered faith was a hearty appetite for Catholic writing to help me learn. In the past, I have eagerly devoured material on particular topics, only to burn out after a few months. So my wife suspected that this was just another fad that would fade.

I’ve been similarly stunned :newidea: , and I think my wife is looking upon me with the same type of suspicions.

A year later, she’s starting to decide that maybe this is the real thing, but she’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop. So the lesson is, time will help. It might take a year or two, or even longer. In the meantime, pray, pray, and pray some more.

As for NFP… The only thing I have to add is that if you cannot get your wife to go along with NFP, then keep in mind that it is not necessarily sinful to have sex with your wife as long as you yourself are not using any birth control (i.e., if she uses the Pill or some other contraceptive that no way involves your explicit consent). Of course, there’s a danger here of becoming complacent or excusing sinful behavior with the clause “well, she’s the one doing it, not me”. That’s a tough razor-edge to walk.

–Cairone

Thanks to you and all who have replied! It’s oddly comforting to know others have faced this type of difficult situation, it gives me hope. I know that it will take time, gentleness and patience on my part but I have faith that through lots of prayer and guidance from the Holy Spirit she will come around. I’ve already picked up Taking Charge of Your Ferility on my lunch break and from what I’ve seen scanning through it this may be a good ice-breaker for her since it’s not Church-focused. One small step at a time…

I’ll also check out those websites in more detail for my own edification. Thanks and God Bless!

 

[kaws]

As for NFP… The only thing I have to add is that if you cannot get your wife to go along with NFP, then keep in mind that it is not necessarily sinful to have sex with your wife as long as you yourself are not using any birth control (i.e., if she uses the Pill or some other contraceptive that no way involves your explicit consent). Of course, there’s a danger here of becoming complacent or excusing sinful behavior with the clause “well, she’s the one doing it, not me”. That’s a tough razor-edge to walk.

I’m in a somewhat similar situation to the OP myself. My husband and were originally married outside of the Catholic Church and had our marriage convalidated a few years ago.

After joining/rejoining the Church we decided to start a family. We conceived right away. I breastfed our son until he was 18 months. It was my intent to take classes on NFP once my period had not returned. On our wedding anniversary we unexpectedly conceived our daughter, who is now 7 months old. Although she was unexpected she is very much loved.

My husband feels fairly strongly that our family is now complete. He thought about getting a vasectomy. I have been praying and really feel like I’d like to be more in line with thye Church and start using NFP. Through the grace of God I was able to talk my husband out of a vasectomy and to agree to learn and practice NFP. I do agree that now isn’t a great time to have another baby (we would be looking to avoid for the meantime) but perhaps we would feel differently in a few years and that option is so permanent as well as against the teachings of the Catholic Church. I have been breastfeeding my daughter and have not had a period yet, but I know that it is possible to ovulate and conceive before having a period since it already happened once before. Although he has agreed to learn and practice NFP my husband wants us to use condoms until my period returns and we could accurately chart my cycle.

We still haven’t taken classes, but I have been doing research into NFP. The next available class is in January. He has agreed to sign up. I can count on both hands the number of times we have had sex since my daughter was born. I have been spending a lot of nights on the couch lately , but there have been a few times that we were intimate together with condoms (once since my last confession - I guess I need to go again now:blush: ).

Is it morally wrong for me to sleep with my husband in this time if he insists on wearing a condom? What if even if we take classes on NFP and begin charting he still doesn’t feel convinced about its effectiveness until I have a regular cycle return? With the last pregnancy it was about a year and a half - that seems like a long time to abstain - would that be healthy for a marriage?

(otherwise I would say that my husband and I have a very strong and healthy marriage and relationship:thumbsup: )

 

[manualman]

We’re very fertile (2 planned kids and 1 'oh what the heck, let’s see what happens kid). And we’ve had no surprise kids using NFP for 9 years now.

I have two suggestions.

1. Read this: ewtn.com/library/MARRIAGE/MAN4HER.TXT
   It’s VERY old and has plenty of outdated and even some vaguely sexist ideas in it, but is mostly an extremely good guide to men on being “real men” for their wives.
2. Read “Good News About Sex & Marriage” by Christopher West. An excellent introduction to catholic theology of the body for beginners.

Don’t discuss contraception again until the changes in your character dazzle her and she can’t wait to figure out what’s happened to you.

And don’t forget to pray for the grace to keep it up!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Is it morally wrong for me to sleep with my husband in this time if he insists on wearing a condom? What if even if we take classes on NFP and begin charting he still doesn’t feel convinced about its effectiveness until I have a regular cycle return?

**
Well, from everything I have read here and in the ask an apologist forum, NO, you would not be sinning. But, you must make sure he understands that you don’t agree (without nagging), gently try to convince him about NFP (which you are already doing) and not do anything yourself to aid in his contraception (no picking up condoms while you’re getting groceries, no letting him know they’re running low…etc. ) And pray… lots.**

 

[MCGar]

I know you said you were considering Retrovaille, but what would/is your wife considering would be good to heal your marriage?

Be assured, I’m not speaking against Retrovaille, I understand it’s for people of all faiths and has helped many.

But it seems like you are going full throttle on the Catholic highway and she’s sort of being pulled along behind in a open-topped trailer.

Maybe you should talk to her about both of you considering some long-term marriage counseling to heal the damage that has happened to your marriage. Maybe she would like you to first go to an individual counselor to find out why you treated your pregnant wife badly.

I’m just trying to put myself in her shoes and reading your post it really looks like you are trying for a quick Catholic fix to set her straight.

I’m not sayin you are, but it certainly can come across that way.

With the suggestions for you to wait and become a more nuturing husband in character before you bring up NFP again and even then not until you fully understand NFP for yourself.
You’ve gone out and bought a book and are already talking about if it’s a level that is acceptable to her to read.
Woe there. Slow down, work on *yourself *first, and read things for yourself not to try to get her to take bait.

Right now, in my opinion, the only thing you need to work on with your wife is on how to communicate better and work together as a married couple in addition to overcoming all the trouble you two have had in the past.

Do that first.

 

[kaws]

**
Well, from everything I have read here and in the ask an apologist forum, NO, you would not be sinning. But, you must make sure he understands that you don’t agree (without nagging), gently try to convince him about NFP (which you are already doing) and not do anything yourself to aid in his contraception (no picking up condoms while you’re getting groceries, no letting him know they’re running low…etc. ) And pray… lots.**

So are you saying that I can initiate with him or take him up if he initiates, even though I know he won’t be willing to be intimate without using a condom until we are able to confidently use NFP to track my cycles?

Do I need to remind him how I feel/believe every time we do (he knows how I feel and I know how he feels)? I don’t think he’s there yet, but I do think with the willingness to learn and practice NFP after my cycles can be accurately tracked was a big step of faith for him.

I do miss being intimate with him:blush: , and the thought of going through the holidays without being intimate sounds very difficult and sad

Yes I will pray for both of us.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

So are you saying that I can initiate with him or take him up if he initiates, even though I know he won’t be willing to be intimate without using a condom until we are able to confidently use NFP to track my cycles?

I do miss being intimate with him:blush: , and the thought of going through the holidays without being intimate sounds very difficult and sad

Yes I will pray for both of us.

**I am only saying what my understanding is from answers to similar questions… but yes, that is my understanding. You can only do so much, and your husband still has free will too. And my husband was told the same thing when I was contracepting and he came to understand how/why it is wrong.

Denying your husband sexual intimacy unless he agrees with you is not healthy for a marriage (as it would not have been healthy for my husband to refuse it to me in our situation). If you know a GOOD priest (one who actually believes what the Church does and won’t tell your husband to get a vasectomy or for you to not worry about the condoms at all) it would be good for you to get some spiritual advice on all of this.
**

 

[kaws]

**I am only saying what my understanding is from answers to similar questions… but yes, that is my understanding. You can only do so much, and your husband still has free will too. And my husband was told the same thing when I was contracepting and he came to understand how/why it is wrong.

Denying your husband sexual intimacy unless he agrees with you is not healthy for a marriage (as it would not have been healthy for my husband to refuse it to me in our situation). If you know a GOOD priest (one who actually believes what the Church does and won’t tell your husband to get a vasectomy or for you to not worry about the condoms at all) it would be good for you to get some spiritual advice on all of this.
**

When I went to confession a couple of weeks ago the priest said it was a difficult situation and to take NFP classes ASAP. He said he was personally not qualified enough to give advice about NFP while breastfeeding, but NFP instructors could. He said to pray for the guidance of the Blessed Mother for her discernment. He didn’t explicitly say whether I should abstain or have relations in the meantime:shrug:

 

[1ke]

So are you saying that I can initiate with him or take him up if he initiates, even though I know he won’t be willing to be intimate without using a condom until we are able to confidently use NFP to track my cycles?

Do I need to remind him how I feel/believe every time we do (he knows how I feel and I know how he feels)? I don’t think he’s there yet, but I do think with the willingness to learn and practice NFP after my cycles can be accurately tracked was a big step of faith for him.

I do miss being intimate with him:blush: , and the thought of going through the holidays without being intimate sounds very difficult and sad

Yes I will pray for both of us.

Questions about engaging in relations with a contracepting spouse should be under the guidance of your priest. The Church has given guidelines * to priests *on this topic and how to counsel people in this situation. An individual should not undertake to go it alone without priestly guidance.

Just in case your priest is one of those who isn’t well informed, here’s the Vatican document Vademecum for Confessors, which addresses this issue:

vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/family/documents/rc_pc_family_doc_12021997_vademecum_en.html

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

He didn’t explicitly say whether I should abstain or have relations in the meantime:shrug:

**Well, next time you’re speaking with him, ask him flat out if having relations with your husband if he chooses to contracept against your wishes is a sin. Like I said, from everything I know, it is not. Especially since you worked hard to get him to give up the vasectomy plans for now.

These things take time. And patience. And prayer. My hubby was beside himself because not only was I contracepting, i was taking the pill so he was very worried about the abortifacient effects. But he never pushed. He just talked with me, lead me to information so i could learn things on my own, and (as I found out way later) prayed for me A LOT.

My eventual understanding of NFP, the wrongness of contraception, and my hubby’s example all lead me to convert about a year after I agreed to pratice NFP for my hubby. If my hubby had put his foot down and demanded that I do it “his” way or no sex…well, that wouldn’t have ended well
**

 

[kaws]

These things take time. And patience. And prayer. My hubby was beside himself because not only was I contracepting, i was taking the pill so he was very worried about the abortifacient effects. But he never pushed. He just talked with me, lead me to information so i could learn things on my own, and (as I found out way later) prayed for me A LOT.

Before we joined/rejoined the church I used the pill too:blush:. In my case I had very heavy and irregular periods and the pill regulated my cycle. I was concerned about the possible effects on implantation if it failed to prevent ovulation, which it is primarily intended to do. During the time I was on the pill we abstained during the middle of my cycle just in case. I certainly hope there was not an abortifacient effect from the use in that time.

It has been confessed and forgiven, and I will not go back to hormonal birth control again. I don’t know how my cycles will be, though since I haven’t had a period in nearly four years now since I have been pregnant and/or nursing for nearly that long.

My eventual understanding of NFP, the wrongness of contraception, and my hubby’s example all lead me to convert about a year after I agreed to pratice NFP for my hubby. If my hubby had put his foot down and demanded that I do it “his” way or no sex…well, that wouldn’t have ended well

I don’t think my husband would try to force the issue with sex if I told him we have to do it my way or no sex. At this point I think he would rather abstain for an extended period of time than have relations in a potentially fertile period. (Although it wouldn’t surprise me if it led him to “take care of himself sexually” and I’d rather that he not do that! ). I don’t think he would be mad, but we would probably both be pretty frustrated

 

[emill311]

I know you said you were considering Retrovaille, but what would/is your wife considering would be good to heal your marriage?

My getting a vasectomy. She is adamant about it. She used the pill since we’ve been together (and I was at the time perfectly complicit in her using it). Now she’s off the pill and it’s my turn to make some sacrifices for the marriage. She informed me when I got home last night that no, she’s changed her mind and NFP is out of the question, she won’t even consider learning about it, because for one thing she would still be “doing all the work” and my refusal to get a vasectomy is just another refusal to take responsibility in our relationship.(back to trust issues, which I largely caused) I must contracept her way, or its the highway (yes, I did get an ultimatum last night). She says you can’t just up and change your position on issues like this, because they are too integral a choice as to why people get married in the first place.

Be assured, I’m not speaking against Retrovaille, I understand it’s for people of all faiths and has helped many.

But it seems like you are going full throttle on the Catholic highway and she’s sort of being pulled along behind in a open-topped trailer.

She is quite shocked and dare I say disturbed by my finding deeper faith, as she simply doesn’t buy into Church teaching on alot of things because they are “outdated” and “rules made up by a bunch of men”. I’m not in any intellectual capacity at this point to argue her points on Catholic doctrine, nor would it be wise. I have been very careful not to put any pressure on her about her beliefs, but just by nature of my changed behavior (attending Mass weekly, praying regularly) she is FREAKED OUT.

Maybe you should talk to her about both of you considering some long-term marriage counseling to heal the damage that has happened to your marriage. Maybe she would like you to first go to an individual counselor to find out why you treated your pregnant wife badly.

I’m just trying to put myself in her shoes and reading your post it really looks like you are trying for a quick Catholic fix to set her straight.

I’m not sayin you are, but it certainly can come across that way.

With the suggestions for you to wait and become a more nuturing husband in character before you bring up NFP again and even then not until you fully understand NFP for yourself.
You’ve gone out and bought a book and are already talking about if it’s a level that is acceptable to her to read.
Woe there. Slow down, work on *yourself *first, and read things for yourself not to try to get her to take bait.

Right now, in my opinion, the only thing you need to work on with your wife is on how to communicate better and work together as a married couple in addition to overcoming all the trouble you two have had in the past.

Do that first.

Yes, you are right on many points. I’ve already suggested to her that we need counseling ASAP. I mentioned Retrouvaille because it’s Catholic friendly and I don’t really want to go to any counseling where divorce is a perfectly acceptable option.

In taking a hard look at myself about this I know I approached her the wrong way on this issue, but frankly I don’t know what would have been the right way. I certainly don’t want to forcefully convert her, but I know that my change in attitude towards contraception makes her feel that I am. Now I am stuck- if I abstain from sex when she wants it (because she insists on artificial contraception), this exacerbates the rift between us as she feels she’s being spurned. “I love you but sinning against God is wrong” translates to “I don’t love you” or “I’m putting my own selfish interests above your needs and desires”. If I give in so that I can show her I am willing to sacrifice because I love her, I commit a sin, and I also probably reinforce her position. I love her and want to do what is best for our relationship, but I want to make sure I do God’s will as well.

I’m scheduling a personal meeting with my priest to start working through my own issues and get some guidance from him. From there I will have to find a marriage counselor that will be acceptable to both of us. I’ve also started reading the FAM book myself to learn more about natural birth control. For now I’ve let it drop with her. She may come around on the issue, she may not, but I realize that I certainly can’t force it on her.

 

[Serap]

I’m scheduling a personal meeting with my priest to start working through my own issues and get some guidance from him. From there I will have to find a marriage counselor that will be acceptable to both of us. I’ve also started reading the FAM book myself to learn more about natural birth control. For now I’ve let it drop with her. She may come around on the issue, she may not, but I realize that I certainly can’t force it on her.

You are being very rational about this and I think it will work out in the end. I am in the same boat as you, but I have mutual trust and a great friendship with my husband.

I haven’t told him that I’m practicing NFP because of the church. In fact, I haven’t even mentioned the word “NFP” around him. I told him that I don’t want to put harmones that cause breast cancer and chemicals in my body and he accepted it.

Tomorrow morning is my CD7 and I will tell my hubby tonight that if he wants to make love this weekend, it has to be tonight or tomorrow morning…his pick. He usually complies because he knows the shop is closed for a week after that

Be gentle with your wife…no preaching, etc. Just pray. That’s what my priest told me…just pray. I think we sometimes underestimate the power of prayer.

Your wife cannot force you to have a vasectomy, but you also cannot force her to not use birth control. Having her read Taking Charge of Your Fertility is a great idea. I too was terrified of NFP. I have been practicing it for 4 cycles now and it has worked well so far.

Seeing a priest is a great idea! Good luck. It’s always tough on a marriage when one converts and the other is surprised.