NFP Difficulties

[pamnbam]

What do you do when your spouse isn’t on board with NFP anymore? For about 10 days while we TTA, I feel so guilty that we aren’t able to have relations. He says 10 days isn’t long for me to wait, but it feels like an eternity to him. Is there anything we can do besides just prayer and cuddling? Cuddling makes it worse for him. Thanks!

 

[whatevergirl]

What do you do when your spouse isn’t on board with NFP anymore? For about 10 days while we TTA, I feel so guilty that we aren’t able to have relations. He says 10 days isn’t long for me to wait, but it feels like an eternity to him. Is there anything we can do besides just prayer and cuddling? Cuddling makes it worse for him. Thanks!

Hi pam;

It was a little difficult for my dh and I at first. For years, we never knew that birth control was even wrong. My husband was not immediately on board,and we have had our trying times, but through prayer…asking God to help your husband with the times of abstinence can help. I admit too though, that we have thrown caution to the wind. I am thinking I’m not as fertile now that I’m 40, as I was in my 20s but never know. lol I also believe though that if God were to bless us with another child, we would believe that it is His will. We are not trying to conceive, but that would be my mindset. That could be too what you both need to understand about it all…if you were to get pregnant, what would that mean for you both? I’m sure you trust God to provide, so maybe that could be a conversation between you both also–that if you were to be blessed with another child, that it would be okay. That that would be God’s will for you both. NFP I think, causes couples to really reflect on how God is in ALL of the details of our lives.

I will pray that things get a bit easier for you both. God bless!

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi pam;

my dh and I did have struggles in the beginning. We were using a form of NFP early on in our marriage, but at some point, we started using birth control, admittedly ignorant on our parts. We really didn’t fully understand all that the Church teaches about birth control, thankfully we know now. I think that prayer can help tremendously…praying for your husband to have strength and patience during the times of abstinence. I think though, that during those times, we grow closer to God…trusting that we can control our desires through Him. I will be praying for you both.

 

[Zahmir]

You should always be in a state of discernment to determine whether using NFP to avoid is really the best thing for you and your marriage. Involving your husband in this discussion is also a great way to make him feel “on board” with you and your guys’ previous decision to avoid. Of course, I think you also need to be open, depending in the circumstances, to changing your mind and to be open to however God moves you.

It may be, perhaps, that your husband’s frustration is a sign that something is wrong. Is this frustration–or whatever you both are feeling–worth the sacrifice that you are making for the sake of your children? If you have any doubts when answering this question, I would strongly encourage you to reevaluate your position. Remember, you’re not doing this alone. Ask God for his guidance.

My wife and I have been very happily married for six months. We went from strongly TTA to strongly… well… not TTA. We recognized that are situation was a lot more positive than we originally thought when we made the decision. The situation no longer, in our present view, necessitates, obligates, or strongly encourages us in anyway to avoid. When we opened ourselves up to God’s grace and the possibility of having children, our marriage definitely changed, and only for the better.

I wish you the best. If there is one thing you do, it’s that you talk to your spouse about what you are feeling and your decision to avoid. The outcome can only be positive.

 

[Chronister4673]

If he thinks 10 days is too long, what does he expect to do when you’re postpartem and “unavailable” for 6 weeks? Heaven help him if he ever decided to join the military and was deployed away from you for 6 MONTHS! I’m sorry if I sound like I’m lacking in charity, but seriously. Sex isn’t the most important thing in a marriage. Take advantage of your available times and play cards when you’re TTA. And make sure you discern whether you should be TTA or not. You may realize that you don’t need to avoid at all.

 

[pamnbam]

Well, we have one child together, so we did the whole postpartum thing before, and it was nearly unbearable for him to wait that long. And TTA is the best thing for us right now. We are already spending nearly $800 a month in daycare expenses for one child, and we have a huge mortgage on our tiny house (bought just before the housing bubble burst). The money for a second child really isn’t available right now.

Once I became Catholic, I understood that using contraception was a no-no, and I understood why. I thought DH did, too (he’s a convert, too), because he took NFP classes with me, was 100% pro-NFP when we first got married, helped me in the AM by getting my thermometer for me, etc. I sometimes feel trapped during my cycles because I know he wants to be intimate (yet still avoid), and I need to be the one to keep my head and remind him how we decided we would wait until we were in a better position to have kids. I feel like I am the only one trying to use NFP according to the way we decided.

I know it’s crazy, but I thought maybe we could use contraception to keep him “off my back.” I don’t want to be in sin because of my husband (he’s starting to fall away from the faith anyway, so I don’t think he’d mind so long as he can be with his wife).

 

[dixieagle]

Well, we have one child together, so we did the whole postpartum thing before, and it was nearly unbearable for him to wait that long. And TTA is the best thing for us right now. We are already spending nearly $800 a month in daycare expenses for one child, and we have a huge mortgage on our tiny house (bought just before the housing bubble burst). The money for a second child really isn’t available right now.

Once I became Catholic, I understood that using contraception was a no-no, and I understood why. I thought DH did, too (he’s a convert, too), because he took NFP classes with me, was 100% pro-NFP when we first got married, helped me in the AM by getting my thermometer for me, etc. I sometimes feel trapped during my cycles because I know he wants to be intimate (yet still avoid), and I need to be the one to keep my head and remind him how we decided we would wait until we were in a better position to have kids. I feel like I am the only one trying to use NFP according to the way we decided.

I know it’s crazy, but I thought maybe we could use contraception to keep him “off my back.” I don’t want to be in sin because of my husband (he’s starting to fall away from the faith anyway, so I don’t think he’d mind so long as he can be with his wife).

Hi,

It’s been quite a while since I was in your situation, but I well remember the struggles dh and I had with NFP - WAY back in the day. Believe me, I understand where you’re coming from. It was a fairly constant source of conflict, and, to be perfectly honest, we were both relieved when I went into a very early menopause at 43.

That said, don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about TTA; that is a choice that only you and your husband can make. Given your circumstances, you are trying to manage the best you can, as many folks are these days. I’m sorry that your husband is not on board with this so much anymore; it makes it so much more difficult.

There have been wonderful advances in detecting fertility which can result in having to abstain for fewer days. I don’t know if your budget will allow it (you might have to save for a while) but one of the gifts I gave my newly married daughter was a Lady Comp fertility monitor. She and her new husband wanted to use NFP until they finish their grad degrees, but figured it might be quite a challenge, given her ADD (re: remembering to chart, etc.) So far so good with the monitor! There are also cheaper alternatives, from what I understand; you might be surprised with what you find.

Let me just mention this, as well; do you make enough at your job to make it worthwhile, given the $800 in childcare expenses? I don’t ask that to be flip, in any way, but sometimes it turns out that we are working just to pay the daycare!

I’ll be praying for you. In the meantime, as a practical step, at least check out some of the up-to-date fertility monitoring devices available. God bless.

 

[turtle18]

Can’t you use the 10 days to bond in other ways? Exercise together, pray together, have non-sexual fun together?

How old is your husband? I have to agree with previous poster if he can’t refrain for 10 days–that is not really that long to do it. And probably is harder on YOU because that’s usually the ten days a month a woman really wants sex!

Does your husband really want you to commit mortal sin just so he can have sex?

 

[kage_ar]

Fellowship and open discussion with other married men who are faithful to the teachings of the Church is vital for men. Do you have couple friends at the Parish or is he involved in a men’s group, the Knights, heck, an on-line forum for married Catholic men?

 

[pamnbam]

Let me just mention this, as well; do you make enough at your job to make it worthwhile, given the $800 in childcare expenses? I don’t ask that to be flip, in any way, but sometimes it turns out that we are working just to pay the daycare!

Yes, we make enough money to put one child through daycare, but not two. $800/month is nearly as good as it gets in this area, so there’s really nothing we can do about that. For a couple our age, we’re well off in theory, but because of the area we live in, we may as well be lower-middle class, after housing prices, daycare rates, etc.

Does your husband really want you to commit mortal sin just so he can have sex?

Like I said in the OP, he’s falling away from the faith, so he could really care less about sinning himself; sometimes I feel that he doesn’t care if he takes me with him.

Do you have couple friends at the Parish or is he involved in a men’s group, the Knights, heck, an on-line forum for married Catholic men?

No, we have no church friends. I know a few people personally at the Church; I just haven’t gotten into any parish activities since getting married. DH won’t join any men’s groups, adult ed, or K of C; I’ve asked him several times. Now that he’s falling away, he really doesn’t want to be around anything/anyone Catholic. He doesn’t even come to Mass with me anymore.

So you can see, what we started together, I now feel like I’m trudging along on my own here. I have looked into a couple of fertility monitors; any other suggestions? Thank you to all who have helped so far.

 

[mpi]

What do you do when your spouse isn’t on board with NFP anymore? For about 10 days while we TTA, I feel so guilty that we aren’t able to have relations. He says 10 days isn’t long for me to wait, but it feels like an eternity to him. Is there anything we can do besides just prayer and cuddling? Cuddling makes it worse for him. Thanks!

What do you do when spouse isn’t on board with NFP abstinence?

Simple - Do the appropriate Catholic thing and have marital relations with your husband. You should submit to his desire to have sex. If new life comes, then new life comes. Be open to it.

 

[Cathhsmom]

I have been using NFP for 7 years now. So, I will share with you my experience and see if any of it helps.

What method of NFP are you using? I did the sympto-thermal method where you did the temp plus mucus plus cervix. Now, I go by my mucus. There are different methods of doing NFP and you may need to find which one works for you best. I know that the 2 pregnancies that I have had since I started doing NFP have both been ones where I was not charting, but was paying attention to my mucus and knew we could become pregnant. What I am trying to say is pay attention to your body. Not just a chart of temps. I only have to abstain for about 1 week. I know that one of the NFP methods is using mucus alone, but unfortunately, I loaned out my book and don’t remember the name of the method.

Also, do you get ovulation pain? I didn’t get this until after my 2nd or 3rd child was born. I didn’t even know what it was until the class. I feel kind of crampy like I am going to have my period but it is not that time. It comes about halfway through my cycle and coincides with the heavy, stretchy mucus.

As I said, this is what works for me. I don’t know how you were taught or how your body works.

BTW, have you tried things other kinds of intimacy such as pleasing each other during these times? It may not be as satisfying, but it can ease the tension.

 

[kage_ar]

Now that he’s falling away, he really doesn’t want to be around anything/anyone Catholic. He doesn’t even come to Mass with me anymore.

.

I’d bet you lunch that his NFP problem is a symptom of his spiritual rejection of the Church. Prayers for you!

 

[mpi]

I’d bet you lunch that his NFP problem is a symptom of his spiritual rejection of the Church. Prayers for you!

Perhaps his spiritual rejection of the Church is a result of his wife’s insistence on NFP abstinence.

 

[ChristinaM]

BTW, have you tried things other kinds of intimacy such as pleasing each other during these times? It may not be as satisfying, but it can ease the tension.

Now, I’m not sure what you mean by this, but I think clarification is needed here. Sexual stimulation outside of the context of the marital act would be masturbation, which is a grave sin. This would not be acceptable and I believe it would make OP’s problem even worse.

Prayers for you in your difficulty, OP. NFP requires cooperation by both husband and wife and I can’t imagine how hard it must be when your husband suddenly decides he wants to stop cooperating.

 

[LongingForLight]

I can rather understand how your DH feels. I really struggle when we are TTA (which is most of the time, sadly) and I am in a fertile phase. We have to abstain about 50% of the time, since I have short cycles, lots of variation, and few dry days. My DH also has a low sex drive, so it’s frustrating when he’s in the mood but I would get pregnant Especially when I want to get pregnant, but it’s not prudent, like right now. If DH was willing to have a baby, I’d throw prudence to the wind!

Things that can help me are:

• Doing things together that are distracting and entertaining, like watching movies together or playing video games, until I am very tired at night.
• Help from my partner to fall asleep easily - I find having him talk to me, such as telling me a silly story, can really help me drift off.

We’ve also discussed sleeping pills, as the hormones can keep me awake (my sex drive is through the roof when I am most fertile), but haven’t actually tried them. Not sure if your DH has this problem, I’m not sure how things work for men.

I am sorry that your husband is not patient or understanding with this issue. It might be worth having him see a doctor to see if there is something else making it harder for him to deal with his impulses. I know that I struggled a lot more when I was recently iron-deficient. Counseling might also help - maybe he over-associates sex with love? Is he willing to talk to a priest with you? If not, can you speak with a good priest? I would think this issue wouldn’t be uncommon.

You might try the NFP forums at Delphi Forums for more ideas. This link will help you set up an account and go to the forum if you want to check it out: login.prospero.com/dir-login/index.asp?webtag=nfptalk&lgnDST=http%3A%2F%2Fforums.delphiforums.com%2Fnfptalk%2Fstart%2F

Hope this helps,

-LFL