NFP has got me freaking out!

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I’m 43, so is my husband. We have one daughter who is 19 years old. I have been using birth control since 6 weeks after she was born. I am not looking for a lecture from anyone, I have confessed this sin and am trying to change my life. NFP has got me freaking out. I do not want anymore children at my age, selfish? maybe? but that is how I feel. My husband is not catholic, he will not accept complete abstinence. What I’m looking for is advice from anyone who is using NFP, what method, how you came about this and how effective. You can PM me if necessary. Am I to be a Catholic woman who refuses intimacy with her husband and then he leaves me or am I to be a Catholic woman who uses birth control to prevent divorce. That basically is my question to myself. What is the lesser of two evils, Divorced Catholic, or Catholic on birth control. I am so scared and confused about this, I don’t know what to do. and yes I am praying about this. ANY help would be truly appreciated! Please no lectures!
 
Hey, it’s ok. NFP freaked me out at first too. It’s hard to depend on chemical (or whatever) methods for ages and then suddenly switch over. You’re doing the right thing. Just so you know the Catholic teaching…I hope it doesn’t sound lecture-y to you but I find myself obliged to mention it…unless you have a grave reason not to have kids maybe you should open up yourself to the possibility. How come you don’t want anymore children?

Anyways, my husband and I have started using the sympto-thermal method in the past few months. It was a HUGE leap of faith for us, as we sooo cannot afford to have kids now and all…but if it truly is God’s will, we’re not going to put something in his way. It’s important to remember that your marriage should be in God’ hands. This is what we’re learning from our ccl classes. (by the way, have you been to their website? it’s www.ccli.org.) The method is 99% effective when used correctly.
I’m sure others on here will have good advice for you. I only have a little bit of experience so far but just wanted to give you a little encouragement…God Bless! 🙂
 
I’m 43 and my husband isn’t Catholic either, although he attends Mass with us every Sunday, prays at meals, and highly respects my religion and decisions related to it. We use NFP (call it self-deduced from 25 years of experience since I never used birth control) but not a very technical one we learned from any particular teacher/program.

Although I’m not thrilled about maybe becoming pregnant at this age, and yes, I worry about all those statistics we are fed from science, I figure if it’s God’s choice that I have another child (I’ve only had 1 child even though we’ve never used birth control), then who am I to argue with Him?

You’ve discussed this with him and he’s forcing you to use birth control?

Penitent
 
What I’m looking for is advice from anyone who is using NFP, what method, how you came about this and how effective.
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Sympto-Thermal Method (STM). A study by the U.S. Department of Health, Education, and Welfare showed a 100% method effectiveness. (see here for more studies ccli.org/nfp/effect2.shtml ) A 100% effectiveness rate cannot be sustained in a large population and thus claims made for the STM state “99% method effectiveness.”

We contacted the Couple to Couple league and were trained by them in STM. For $50 they gave us a big thick book, charts, advice, and correspondence consultation.

Couple to Couple League
ccli.org/

It is the most effective method even compared to all known artificial birth control. My wife was very afraid of getting pregnant again as well. Yet, after studying it and practicing it, she has concluded that it is more effective than anything else, without any health risks.
 
Penitent,no he is not forcing me to use birth control. No I have not yet discussed this with him, I am first looking for information. I know all about the Catholic teachings on this subject, that is my biggest problem, if I didn’t know I wouldn’t be so worried about it. I am 43,I am not looking to have any more children at my age. I know it is God’s choice, not mine but the desire for children is deffinately in days gone past. Yes I probably should have had other children, I come from a very large family(I am the youngest of 11) and many people have asked me"you only have one child after coming from such a large family,how come? and my true response is “because I came from such a large family”. Maybe I’m just a coward, but I am in a profound state of panic right now. I will look into the sites provided by itsjustdave and see if it is something I think that I can do. I don’t know what to think or say… Please pray for me.
 
I’ve tried the STM and now we are doing the Creighton Model, developed by Dr. Hilgers of Pope Paul IV Institute. We HIGHLY prefer the Creighton Model–much simpler and equally effective.

go to omsoul.com and find an NFP-only doctor near you. this will also help make doctors visits much easier.

do a google search on Napro Technology or the Creighton Model of NFP to learn more about it. you will meet with a practitioner and for $25, be shown a slide show, given a book and charting information, then you’ll begin charting and meet with that nurse or doctor on a regular basis to evaluate your chart.

NFP does not require complete abstinence. you do not have to have a grave reason to abstain, you have to have a JUST reason to abstain for anywhere from 7-10 days per cycle. if you feel like your health and age are simply too problematic to consider actively trying to achieve pregnancy, then that is between you, your husband and God. just don’t be surprised if God changes your mind 😉
 
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maryj:
I’m 43, so is my husband. We have one daughter who is 19 years old. I have been using birth control since 6 weeks after she was born. I am not looking for a lecture from anyone, I have confessed this sin and am trying to change my life. NFP has got me freaking out. I do not want anymore children at my age, selfish? maybe? but that is how I feel. My husband is not catholic, he will not accept complete abstinence. What I’m looking for is advice from anyone who is using NFP, what method, how you came about this and how effective. You can PM me if necessary. Am I to be a Catholic woman who refuses intimacy with her husband and then he leaves me or am I to be a Catholic woman who uses birth control to prevent divorce. That basically is my question to myself. What is the lesser of two evils, Divorced Catholic, or Catholic on birth control. I am so scared and confused about this, I don’t know what to do. and yes I am praying about this. ANY help would be truly appreciated! Please no lectures!
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Since age 40+ is considered pre-menopausal, I would recommend Creighton model of NFP. Go to www.creightonmodel.com. You absolutely do need to take instruction from a qualified teacher, then you should be fine.

What has you scared about NFP? NFP does not require complete abstinence. If you are truly concerned about pregnancy, then you can use conservative rules-- meaning post ovulation intercourse only.

Also, I think you & your husband need to search deeper into your husband’s very selfish attitude. What if you were disabled physically and unable to have relations? Would he then “not accept” complete abstinence? Perhaps this is not a sex issue, but rather a control issue.

What you cannot do is sin. You know contraception is wrong, therefore you must act on this knowledge.
 
I think the last post made a lot of sense. 👍

That being said, it seems some of the earlier posters discussed reliability of NFP, but as they said, that’s only when used correctly. Your concern is that your husband will not abstain. First, know that you generally need to abstain for only 5-10 days, depending on the length of your cycles. If your husband will not consent to abstain for those days, then that is something you will need to discuss with him and maybe a marriage therapist. It is really a respect issue. I am so sorry if this comes off snotty snounding as this isn’t at all my intention. Your body is yours and you only have to make love to your husband when you want to.

Anyway, as the other posters said, NFP isn’t very hard to learn and very effective when used correctly. You’ll probably also find that is greatly enhances your marriage. 😃 That’s always a good thing.
 
Just another thought to add here…

Since her husband is NOT catholic, wouldn’t it be out of her control if her hubby wanted to use contraception during fertile times? I am not suggesting this as a first solution, but I think it is preferrable to both “divorced Catholic woman” and “contracepting Catholic woman”. Any thoughts?

Malia
 
Feanaro's Wife:
Just another thought to add here…

Since her husband is NOT catholic, wouldn’t it be out of her control if her hubby wanted to use contraception during fertile times? I am not suggesting this as a first solution, but I think it is preferrable to both “divorced Catholic woman” and “contracepting Catholic woman”. Any thoughts?

Malia
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I don’t know if that argument works–someone else would have to answer that. However, say it did. I don’t think it would justify using birth control, or any contraception from her end. Those she has control over. If that argument worked, I’d think all that would be allowed is stuff that he does; his surgery, or him putting on a condom.
 
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Almeria:
I don’t know if that argument works–someone else would have to answer that. However, say it did. I don’t think it would justify using birth control, or any contraception from her end. Those she has control over. If that argument worked, I’d think all that would be allowed is stuff that he does; his surgery, or him putting on a condom.
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Yes, sorry…those are the things I had in mind when I wrote my post. I guess I forgot to be specific, lol.

I have seen similar questions answered in these forums where the man is Catholic and the wife is on the pill. It seems like the man would not be sinning himself if his wife takes the Pill against his wishes. I would assume it would be the same in the original poster’s reverse situation.

Malia
 
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maryj:
Penitent,no he is not forcing me to use birth control. No I have not yet discussed this with him, I am first looking for information… Please pray for me.
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Please don’t be panicked; fear opens the door for worse things. From what I’ve read and heard, effective NFP is actually more effective when done properly than artificial birth control…even my home-spun method has worked (although I wouldn’t recommend that)!

It’s good your husband hasn’t insisted on anything yet. You’re doing wonderfully by researching and then going to him with the facts. But don’t be afraid and don’t panic. Whenever I become anxious, I just sit and think about how much Jesus loves me and how everything, absolutely everything He does is for the salvation of my soul so that I can be with Him for eternity…this meditation always, always calms my fears.

Of course I will pray for you…I didn’t give my husband enough credit when my conversion began, and although he isn’t Catholic and not really interested in formally becoming one, he is my biggest supporter in my “quest for salvation” and right there with me with whatever I ask of him.

Penitent
 
My wife used to freak out about NFP too. We use STM, but we also started using a fertility monitor. That helped my wife (and me) feel much more secure about everything. Basiclly, you pee on a stick and the machine tells you how fertile you are. It helped get us on track, and feel more secure. The only draw back is the sticks are little expensive, but you can good deals for them on Ebay.
 
Feanaro's Wife:
I have seen similar questions answered in these forums where the man is Catholic and the wife is on the pill. It seems like the man would not be sinning himself if his wife takes the Pill against his wishes. I would assume it would be the same in the original poster’s reverse situation.

Malia
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But isn’t every married person trying to get their spouse to Heaven too? So what if the husband isn’t sinning in his actions? Yes, he can be glad that he understands and desires to follow God’s will, but he shouldn’t go around with the attitude “I’m off the hook, who cares what my wife does?” Whether or not he’s actively sinning is irrelevant. If he knows it’s wrong, and he is cooperating with it and not trying to do everything in his power to correct the situation, he is definitely responsible and sinning by his inaction.
 
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ElizabethAnne:
But isn’t every married person trying to get their spouse to Heaven too? So what if the husband isn’t sinning in his actions? Yes, he can be glad that he understands and desires to follow God’s will, but he shouldn’t go around with the attitude “I’m off the hook, who cares what my wife does?” Whether or not he’s actively sinning is irrelevant. If he knows it’s wrong, and he is cooperating with it and not trying to do everything in his power to correct the situation, he is definitely responsible and sinning by his inaction.
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Yes, every married person is trying to help their spouse reach Heaven. I didn’t mean to suggest an attitude of “I’m off the hook, who cares what my spouse does?” I was simply trying to point out to the very stressed out original poster that her husband’s thoughts, feelings, and actions cannot be controlled by her. She needs to do her best to help him see the Truth, but she is not responsible for choices that he makes.

I was trying to relieve some of her burden at this time by suggesting that she can still follow the Church’s teaching while her husband comes around to it in his own time.

Of course I was only adding to the already great suggestions provided above. I would hope that counselling, communication, and his respect for her wishes would get them on the same page regarding birth control.

Malia
 
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maryj:
Penitent,no he is not forcing me to use birth control. No I have not yet discussed this with him, I am first looking for information. I know all about the Catholic teachings on this subject, that is my biggest problem, if I didn’t know I wouldn’t be so worried about it. I am 43,I am not looking to have any more children at my age. I know it is God’s choice, not mine but the desire for children is deffinately in days gone past. Yes I probably should have had other children, I come from a very large family(I am the youngest of 11) and many people have asked me"you only have one child after coming from such a large family,how come? and my true response is “because I came from such a large family”. Maybe I’m just a coward, but I am in a profound state of panic right now. I will look into the sites provided by itsjustdave and see if it is something I think that I can do. I don’t know what to think or say… Please pray for me.
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I can empathize with so much of what you say here, but you don’t need to panic. You also don’t need to be guilty about feeling that the childbearing years of your life are behind you. Not everyone is called to parent bunches of children. Perhaps you are being moved to develop the spritual side of your life and this is an avenue in which to do so–not only by yourself but with your husband.

It would seem the first step might be to commuicate with him and let him know just how upset and distracted this issue has made you. It is hard to turn away someone you love when they come to you in pain and just want to be listened to. Avoid making immediate and one sided demands–see where he is on this issue-- maybe you’re not as far apart as you think. See where there is room for the two of you to explore other birth control options like NFP. Just the process of talking this through and learning together is a shared intimacy that may bring you some peace as well as closeness to your husband.

A far as your fear of the sin involved–continue to discuss your progess with a priest in confession if that helps. It sounds like you are just waking up to this issue and its impact on your spiritual life. Give yourself some time, without beating yourself up, to change the course of past ways of thinking and practice that have brought you to this place of questioning. In the end this may be a marvelous gift to yourself and your marriage. Learn to accept it without fear.
 
malia, thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I feel as though you know how I am feeling, as do others here. I haven’t had much time to even investigate these web sites, been at the hospital all day with my husband who had to have 5 pollups removed from his large colon. I’ve been buried in prayer about that issue. I think what has been lost here is the fact the my husband understands very little about my Catholic faith, until very recently I too had no problems with the use of birth control. I’m not sure if he will understand the sinning part of all of this. He does not have any spiritual life what so ever, not that I’m saying he is a heathen or a bad man,he has just not been taught correctly. I try but I’m pretty sure it just goes in one ear and out the other. So from a spiritual standpoint, or lacking there of, is where my problems begin,yet they do not end there. Telling him that using birth control is a sin is like telling him waxing your car is a sin, he just won’t get it. I’m getting frustrated again, I’m just going to end this now and try some research…I’ll be back. and just what is STM and a fertility monitor and where did you learn of this.
 
Maryj :tiphat:

Show your husband all the negative side effects. Would it bothering him knowing the pill could cause you to abort your own baby? 😦

Knowing the negative things the pill can do to my wife really helped me out especially when there is a healthy and more accurate alternative. :yup:
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CatholicMatthew:
from the Ortho try-cyclen insert:An increased risk with the use of oral contraceptives
(see WARNINGS section).
• Thrombophlebitis and venous thrombosis with or without embolism
• Arterial thromboembolism
• Pulmonary embolism
• Myocardial infarction
• Cerebral hemorrhage
• Cerebral thrombosis
• Hypertension
• Gallbladder disease
• Hepatic adenomas or benign liver tumors
There is evidence of an association between the following conditions and the use of oral contraceptives:
• Mesenteric thrombosis
• Retinal thrombosis
• Nausea
• Vomiting
• Gastrointestinal symptoms (such as abdominal cramps and bloating)
• Breakthrough bleeding
• Spotting
• Change in menstrual flow
• Amenorrhea
• Temporary infertility after discontinuation of treatment
• Edema
• Melasma which may persist
• Breast changes: tenderness, enlargement, secretion
• Change in weight (increase or decrease)
• Change in cervical erosion and secretion
• Diminution in lactation when given immediately postpartum
• Cholestatic jaundice
• Migraine
• Rash (allergic)
• Mental depression
• Reduced tolerance to carbohydrates
• Vaginal candidiasis
• Change in corneal curvature (steepening)• Intolerance to contact lenses
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We will keep you in our prayers.

God :blessyou:

P.S. My mom was forty-six with her last child. What a blessing that was to our family.
 
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