NFP - how do you let spouse know it's a non fertile day

[EasterJoy]

If he doesn’t like direct communication about something, I’d say sign-counter-sign (the counter-sign so you know that he didn’t miss your point and so he knows you didn’t inadvertently say something you didn’t mean to say. For most people I know, that takes the form of a running inside joke.

The government used to use “copper” to mean “uranium” in communications about the Manhattan project. When they actually needed to talk about copper metal, they’d refer to it as “honest-to-God copper,” which was in turn making fun of the slang word for a police officer. If you try to distinguish what you’re saying with a code, take this kind of scenario into account. For instance, “do you think the kitchen window needs washing?” could actually mean you want an answer to the literal question. The “counter-sign” in that case should not be “ah, sorry honey, I don’t have time until the weekend”!

The jewelry idea only works if your husband can tell you what jewelry you’ve chosen to wear in the last two months!
(Otherwise, that is also a good idea, provided you can remember to get it right.)

 

[pensmama87]

If he doesn’t like direct communication about something, I’d say sign-counter-sign (the counter-sign so you know that he didn’t miss your point and so he knows you didn’t inadvertently say something you didn’t mean to say. For most people I know, that takes the form of a running inside joke.

The government used to use “copper” to mean “uranium” in communications about the Manhattan project. When they actually needed to talk about copper metal, they’d refer to it as “honest-to-God copper,” which was in turn making fun of the slang word for a police officer. If you try to distinguish what you’re saying with a code, take this kind of scenario into account. For instance, “do you think the kitchen window needs washing?” could actually mean you want an answer to the literal question. The “counter-sign” in that case should not be “ah, sorry honey, I don’t have time until the weekend”!

The jewelry idea only works if your husband can tell you what jewelry you’ve chosen to wear in the last two months!
(Otherwise, that is also a good idea, provided you can remember to get it right.)

Yeah, that’s a good point - if you go for a sign option, it makes sense that there is a counter-sign as well to say, “OK, I got it.”

But I’m all for frankness. I love DH, but subtlety is not his strong suit. He only hears (and speaks) bluntly. We get really frustrated with each other when it comes to having “signals” about things, whether that’s our intimate life or not, because we always seem to miss each other’s signals.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yeah, that’s a good point - if you go for a sign option, it makes sense that there is a counter-sign as well to say, “OK, I got it.”

But I’m all for frankness. I love DH, but subtlety is not his strong suit. He only hears (and speaks) bluntly. We get really frustrated with each other when it comes to having “signals” about things, whether that’s our intimate life or not, because we always seem to miss each other’s signals.

I think people go for the signals more when they have children verbal enough to repeat what they say!
All it takes is for a sober-faced four-year-old to tell the checker at the store that Dad seems happy that today is Mom’s infertile day, and the value of subtlety comes right to the forefront!!

 

[pensmama87]

I think people go for the signals more when they have children verbal enough to repeat what they say!

That’s true. We do have “looks,” though it probably won’t be too long before the kids can even decipher those (and groan or act otherwise grossed out). I guess those count as signals. But usually we wait until we’re alone, or DH checks the chart if we’re currently charting.

Though we can also text now if we’re feeling flirtatious during the day. That is a nice way to prepare for a fun evening.

 

[Usige]

I think people go for the signals more when they have children verbal enough to repeat what they say!

It is a signal if she locks the door and says “the kids are distracted for the next five minutes”?

In my marriage, I’m the one who uses signals, she’s a little more to the point.

 

[EasterJoy]

Though we can also text now if we’re feeling flirtatious during the day. That is a nice way to prepare for a fun evening,

It is worth having an agreed-upon code for that, too. I have heard some unfortunate stories involving pranking friends sending intimate texts as a joke.

 

[pensmama87]

It is a signal if she locks the door and says “the kids are distracted for the next five minutes”?

In my marriage, I’m the one who uses signals, she’s a little more to the point.

Hah!

Yeah, there’s no time for dilly-dallying when it comes to things like naptime. You gotta take advantage of what you can get!

 

[pensmama87]

It is worth having an agreed-upon code for that, too. I have heard some unfortunate stories involving pranking friends sending intimate texts as a joke.

That’s true. We usually keep it suggestive but that’s all. If one of us were to send something “R-rated” (or worse), it would definitely be out of character.

(We also keep it that way because electronic communications have no guarantee of being private, anyway.)

 

[EasterJoy]

That’s true. We usually keep it suggestive but that’s all. If one of us were to send something “R-rated” (or worse), it would definitely be out of character.

(We also keep it that way because electronic communications have no guarantee of being private, anyway.)

No kidding! Talk about unfortunate stories!!

 

[white_sheep]

I used to get frustrated when I felt like I was the only one who had any idea what was going on and…at the end of the day…what NFP actually was.

If he’d ask I’d just tell him to look at my charts and he could tell me what he thought.

That doesn’t happen too often anymore.

When we first started charting I never said anything and if he asked…I’d tell him to look at the charts.

Clearly, that didn’t get us anywhere.

I stopped doing that and moved to just letting him know what was going on if I thought we had a green light day.

Now we’ve come full circle and no one says anything anymore.

Why?

Neither of us trust NFP and I’ve stopped charting.

So, we’re abstaining until we figure out what we are going to do.

Have you ever tried ovulation test strips or the clear blue monitor?

 

[white_sheep]

I suppose I should say that when I say I just look at the calendar, she writes the word “ovulation” on there. That makes it pretty clear. She also has notes of symptoms, but it isn’t like I have to decipher those. I think that makes it a lot easier, not just to know right now, but if you want to look back 6 months at the calendar, there isn’t any guesswork about what meant what.

 

[Kelfa28]

Have you ever tried ovulation test strips or the clear blue monitor?

Way too expensive for our budget currently.

The monitor itself is almost $300…including the strips.

Then it’s buying strips every month.

We just can’t swing that right now.

Then Marquette charges for use of their website now.

Plus…I’m just scared that it won’t work anyway.

My cycles are crazy enough as it is…I don’t want to drop a huge amount of money on something that might not work.

 

[jlc2k2]

I would think that could lead to a lot of frustration.

To be clear, I don’t let it go too far before saying that. That normally comes out at a time when the kids are still up so we can’t have gotten too riled up. And it’s a moot point right now since we aren’t TTA.

 

[EasterJoy]

I suppose I should say that when I say I just look at the calendar, she writes the word “ovulation” on there. That makes it pretty clear. She also has notes of symptoms, but it isn’t like I have to decipher those. I think that makes it a lot easier, not just to know right now, but if you want to look back 6 months at the calendar, there isn’t any guesswork about what meant what.

She could have a white board that she uses for messages or her “thought for the day,” and use a different-colored marker, depending on today’s “status.”
(Love it when she gets out the blue marker…)

 

[white_sheep]

Way too expensive for our budget currently.

The monitor itself is almost $300…including the strips.

Then it’s buying strips every month.

We just can’t swing that right now.

Then Marquette charges for use of their website now.

Plus…I’m just scared that it won’t work anyway.

My cycles are crazy enough as it is…I don’t want to drop a huge amount of money on something that might not work.

I just checked amazon. It has gone up. The cheapest was $190 shipped, which is too high IMO for what it is and the strips are $1.50 apiece, which is also too high for what it is. But you do get something for your money. We haven’t used it for all that long and I wish it was a little “smarter” and more flexible and perhaps have a reporting function. It does seem to be the best test there is, so I guess that’s why we pay the ridiculous amount for the strips, and at the end of the month it’s only $15 most months, sometimes $30, either way it isn’t going to break us. I bought it initially with at least 50 strips, but paid for it all with discover card rewards, so to us it was “free”. 2 and 4 months ago it did not detect ovulation. We have used it for I think about 9 months. I’m not trying to talk you into buying it if you don’t want to. You may decide to if you follow my next advice.

I do recommend that you try some ovulation strips from the store. You can buy the cheap ones and get 30 for $10 or the expensive ones and get 10 for $15. Either way it isn’t a lot of money, but I do think if you have that unbiased second party opinion it may help you interpret the signs from your chosen method more easily. I asked my wife that question some time back and didn’t really get an answer, maybe I’ll try again. Some may be hard to read, and I’m not saying you will always get a positive test every month, as I just don’t know.

 

[Xantippe]

I just checked amazon. It has gone up. The cheapest was $190 shipped, which is too high IMO for what it is and the strips are $1.50 apiece, which is also too high for what it is. But you do get something for your money. We haven’t used it for all that long and I wish it was a little “smarter” and more flexible and perhaps have a reporting function. It does seem to be the best test there is, so I guess that’s why we pay the ridiculous amount for the strips, and at the end of the month it’s only $15 most months, sometimes $30, either way it isn’t going to break us. I bought it initially with at least 50 strips, but paid for it all with discover card rewards, so to us it was “free”. 2 and 4 months ago it did not detect ovulation. We have used it for I think about 9 months. I’m not trying to talk you into buying it if you don’t want to. You may decide to if you follow my next advice.

I do recommend that you try some ovulation strips from the store. You can buy the cheap ones and get 30 for $10 or the expensive ones and get 10 for $15. Either way it isn’t a lot of money, but I do think if you have that unbiased second party opinion it may help you interpret the signs from your chosen method more easily. I asked my wife that question some time back and didn’t really get an answer, maybe I’ll try again. Some may be hard to read, and I’m not saying you will always get a positive test every month, as I just don’t know.

There are sometimes “dud” cycles. I had two in a row the last time I was coming off of breastfeeding amenorrhea. (I wasn’t doing ovulation strips, but it was fairly clear from the charts.)