NFP is killing my marriage...help!

[Em_in_FL]

Why not use a Fertility Awareness Method, which is in accordance with your wedding vows “to love and to cherish until death do you part”. It’s also important that you feel loved in marriage both physically and emotionally.

I’d recommend Toni Weschler “Taking charge of your fertility”, which is available on amazon.

Non spermicidal barrier methods are the most ethical during a woman’s fertile time of the month although they may reduce reliability of method. Spermicide damages the lining of the vagina and is banned on many condoms but some manufacturers still put it on.

This is not in keeping with the teachings of the Catholic Faith, though…

 

[Rence]

Non spermicidal barrier methods are the most ethical during a woman’s fertile time of the month although they may reduce reliability of method. Spermicide damages the lining of the vagina and is banned on many condoms but some manufacturers still put it on.

all artificial means of birth control are forbidden by the Catholic Church , including non-spermicidal barrier methods and condoms.

The only method approved by the Catholic Church is natural family planning.

 

[jilly4ski]

Non spermicidal barrier methods are the most ethical during a woman’s fertile time of the month although they may reduce reliability of method. Spermicide damages the lining of the vagina and is banned on many condoms but some manufacturers still put it on.

Please do not take this advise. All barrier methods are immoral and therefore sinful. budgie’s advice is not in line with Catholic teaching.

 

[limabeanerson]

I really have nothing helpful to add but I wanted to compliment you on staying chaste before you got married! 5 years is a long time, especially in todays society.

Clearly you two are committed to God and His Church. He will get you through this!

In my marriage there have been a few times when we had to abstain for a while due to medical reasons. During these times we really just focused on the other things we enjoyed doing together. Going out to dinner, watching movies together, playing games. Nothing can replace sex in your marriage but we found these other “distractions” helped a lot!

I’ll pray for you!

 

[whm]

Hello!

It has been a while since I posted here, but I am back and in need of some help. My wife and I were celibate prior to marriage…for five years. During that time, we began the study of Theology of the Body and quickly determined that a life without birth control was the life we wanted. We then looked for information about NFP, and settled on the Creighton Model.

After getting married in February, we stared practicing NFP and I have to say that I love the way that it works. If you follow the teaching, you avoid pregnancy…simple as that. So, I no problem with the function.

My question surrounds my wife’s cycle. Due to some condition that we have not yet nailed down, she has a VERY limited amount of time in which we can have sex and not get pregnant. This is limiting our sexual activity to about twice a month. I am not selfish about this, and have accepted it. However, it is starting to cause some issues between us. My wife is very frustrated with it, and I am getting there as well. What I am asking for here is some kind of hope that things get better. We have both been praying and attending mass regularly, and we have been trying other ways of being affectionate. However, our lack of a sex life is really killing our marriage and we are starting to fight a lot.

Is there something we can do and still be within church teaching?

Help…please.

Hey I’m not going to judge your decision making process at all. Just a word of warning 2 times a month before kids can become zero for years after a couple of kids. I suggest you guys speak with your priest about the situation. It is extremely important that you can discuss these issues openly with each other and your spiritual adviser. Yours is very challenging and needs good communication and spiritual direction.

Please read 1 Corinth 7 regarding marriage, abstinence, who should get married etc. very prophetic to today’s times. It certainly doesn’t say that people shouldn’t get married if they can not abstain, its says quite the opposite, if you can’t remain chaste, it is best for you to get married.

 

[Seatuck]

Why not use a Fertility Awareness Method, which is in accordance with your wedding vows “to love and to cherish until death do you part”. It’s also important that you feel loved in marriage both physically and emotionally.

I’d recommend Toni Weschler “Taking charge of your fertility”, which is available on amazon.

Non spermicidal barrier methods are the most ethical during a woman’s fertile time of the month although they may reduce reliability of method. Spermicide damages the lining of the vagina and is banned on many condoms but some manufacturers still put it on.

Ethical for whom? Not by the Catholic understanding of marriage they aren’t. But you know this and yet you continue to make this statement. It boggles the mind. Especially since the man clearly stated he didn’t want to use artificial birth control.

 

[snowbee]

Ditto the comment about not getting married if your not prepared to have kids.
But that does little to help you now.
It’s not NFP that is killing your marriage, but your expectation of physical gratification from her. Try to be less horny. Once or twice a month is more than some of us get. Be grateful.
Remember that sex means you are open for the possibility of children, if you are trying so hard not to, and it’s killing your marriage, there are more issues than NFP.

 

[CountrySinger]

Try to be less horny

How does that work? That is like telling people to be less hungry when they are starving.

And don’t say prayer and exercise, it doesn’t work. I could run a marathon and then pray for hours, and still my libido remains high. Too bad I’m not married. I would make a man very happy one day.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

How does that work? That is like telling people to be less hungry when they are starving.

And don’t say prayer and exercise, it doesn’t work. I could run a marathon and then pray for hours, and still my libido remains high. Too bad I’m not married. I would make a man very happy one day.

Try a wedding ring. That seems to work better than cold showers and self-flagellation.

 

[CountrySinger]

Try a wedding ring. That seems to work better than cold showers and self-flagellation.

Hee. Like that t-shirt that shows a bride and groom that says “Game Over”?

 

[Sierrah]

I agree that you should re-evaluate. NFP is not to be used with a contraceptive mentality.

Why is avoiding pregnancy so important right now?

 

[Musician]

Believe me, you will have to have “dates” for the rest of your life once you have kids, so don’t consider it really a lack of spontanaeity, so much as planning!

 

[apricot_yogurt]

Um. Where is the rule that you only have sex once on a non-fertile day?Take the day off work, take the phone off the hook have a honeymoon on a day or two.

 

[ac_claire]

To the OP: seems like you have roughly 2 choices.

a.) continue on as you are and see if you can p(name removed by moderator)oint why your wife’s cycles include only 2 days where it appears that conception wouldn’t be possible. So look into getting another NFP instructor as others have mentioned, and maybe make an appointment or two with your wife’s OBGYN. This will take time and money and patience of course, and in the meantime you’d still be stuck with abstaining most of the month…

or

b.) ditch the NFP to avoid and just have sex whenever you want. (This one would be my choice, but I know it’s up to you. ).

I’m gonna get flamed for this but IMO using NFP in the way you are-- (you’re terrified to have sex more than 2 days a month, the two days where you’ve discerned that it’d be *impossible *to get pregnant; and you’ve said that if you did get pregnant it’d be a “disaster”)-- is using NFP with a contraceptive mentality. I think it would be prudent to re-evaluate your reasons to avoid, and maybe really think about whether or not you’re truly being “open to life” with your current situation. You and your wife did decide that you were ready to be married, after all. Just my thoughts…

Last thing…if you choose option a. above, try to remember that there are a lot of couples who would *kill *to be able to have sex with their spouse twice a month. If this maybe helps to give you some perspective…my husband and I have been separated now for 3 months due to Visa issues (he’s an English citizen.) This is the second time in our marriage where we’ve been separated for 3 months. It’s really hard. We would love to have your two days, seriously.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

To the OP: seems like you have roughly 2 choices.

a.) continue on as you are and see if you can p(name removed by moderator)oint why your wife’s cycles include only 2 days where it appears that conception wouldn’t be possible. So look into getting another NFP instructor as others have mentioned, and maybe make an appointment or two with your wife’s OBGYN. This will take time and money and patience of course, and in the meantime you’d still be stuck with abstaining most of the month…

or

b.) ditch the NFP to avoid and just have sex whenever you want. (This one would be my choice, but I know it’s up to you. ).

I’m gonna get flamed for this but IMO using NFP in the way you are-- (you’re terrified to have sex more than 2 days a month, the two days where you’ve discerned that it’d be *impossible *to get pregnant; and you’ve said that if you did get pregnant it’d be a “disaster”)-- is using NFP with a contraceptive mentality. I think it would be prudent to re-evaluate your reasons to avoid, and maybe really think about whether or not you’re truly being “open to life” with your current situation. You and your wife did decide that you were ready to be married, after all. Just my thoughts…

Last thing…if you choose option a. above, try to remember that there are a lot of couples who would *kill *to be able to have sex with their spouse twice a month. If this maybe helps to give you some perspective…my husband and I have been separated now for 3 months due to Visa issues (he’s an English citizen.) This is the second time in our marriage where we’ve been separated for 3 months. It’s really hard. We would love to have your two days, seriously.

I didn’t see the word “disaster” which post said that?

 

[Dredgemate]

I would like to say thank you to all of the people who commented on my situation in both public and private formats. You guys are a blessing. Thanks!

I do want to note that NFP is just what it says it is (Natural Family Planning). Thus, my wife and I are planning our family. That starts with the two of us and God. Right now, both of us have discussed the idea of children with each other and with God, and we firmly believe that this is a horrid time for us to consider it. We have our reasons (financial and otherwise) and I will leave it at that. I will thank you in advance for not judging our decision making process on this, as I assure you that God has been involved the whole way.

Again, I thank you all for your comments. I am blessed by them and I will give them all prayerful consideration.

Thank you all!

I feel for you, Brother. My wife and I have been there. Something to keep in perspective: from a financial standpoint, it’s NEVER a good time to have kids. They are a complete drain on the resources (financial and physical). When my wife and I had our first, it was a devastation on our income. It also didn’t help that my wife chose to work only half days, thus cutting her income in half and I took a different job to spend more time at home (I was a merchant mariner) thus cutting my pay by about 10%.

3 children later (and number 3 was a complete and total surprise-let’s just say my boys have staying power ) we can’t imagine our lives any different. Here’s the secret: Trust in the Lord.

Now, I know it’s easy for me to say that, (and it kinda use to **** me off when people would tell me that in my hardest hour I should trust in the Lord). But, it’s true. I have a successful career that I never would have realized were it not for leaving my old life to focus on my family, and I owe it all to God.

Bottom line, keep the faith, Brother. Prayers going out for you and your wife.

 

[ac_claire]

I didn’t see the word “disaster” which post said that?

Sorry about that, got my wires crossed. The quote I was referring to was that it would be a “horrid time”…not a “disaster”.

 

[bunnies]

I think you both sound so committed to God’s plan, even in hardship, and I think you are blessed to have found each other. How many couples would have turned from NFP and used artificial contraception? But you didn’t, and I think that’s wonderful. That said, I don’t think people should minimize your hardship, or tell you to “be less horny.” I am married, and I know that sex with your spouse is so much more than satisfying lust or “being horny” – that’s the whole point of Catholic teaching on sex! It is a renewal of your vows to each other, a gift of each other to each other, and it brings you close and shows caring and love. And it can bring you children! All wonderful blessings. I also know how hard it can be not to be able to have sex with your spouse - I have an injury that has caused a chronic pain condition that has made it very difficult for us, and there have been long periods when we could not have sex at all. It is tough, and anyone who says it is not has probably never been there, but I also think it DOES truly bring you closer together in some ways - knowing that your spouse is committed to you, is trustworthy, and will be there no matter what happens in terms of your ability to have intercourse is a wonderful thing, as is knowing that you share religious beliefs about what sex MEANS makes it SO much more wonderful in those times when you are able to. Anyhow, I wanted to offer a couple of suggestions - I had thought I had very few unfertile days as well, and then discovered after a miscarriage that actually I had some hormonal problems - my luteal phase was much to short, making my cycles far too short. If your wife has very few days on which she is infertile, I would suggest two things:

1. trying other NFP methods (there are 4 or so well-known ones) to see if she can learn more about her cycle and discover that she actually is fertile only on a smaller number of days than previously thought,

and

1. using this new information about her cycle to find out if there are hormone problems/ cycle irregularities. Finding out about these things now will make it so much easier when you DO decide it is time for children, and IMHO learning about your body, your cycles, etc. is one of the things that makes natural family planning so wonderful, so take advantage of it! And if there IS a hormonal problem, seek help, either from a Catholic-friendly gyno, reproductive endocrinologist, or changes to diet/vitamins – there is a lot of info out there!

Good luck with your marriage and your faithful decisionmaking!

All the best,

Ashley

 

[newbetx]

The point that seems to always get lost in the NFP discussions is that NFP is not an alternative to contraception; it’s an alternative to abstinence.

NFP* is *birth control. If you are using any form of spacing or delaying pregnancy; it’s birth control. NFP is not contraception.

It’s also about self control. Something else our culture helps us to forget about.

get medical help asap from a pro-NFP doctor, and get assistance with your charting from those who taught you NFP or try another method.

NFP is not killing your marriage,
the attitude “if we can’t have sex more than twice a month we are finished” is killing your marriage

reality check: every couple should be required to sign a waive before they marry that warns “in real life there are going to be times when sex is simply not possible. If you can’t live with that reality you are not ready to get married.”

the other alternative is of course to let God decide when you will be blessed with children and simply be together when and as you can in joy.

As always, a good post and a great deal for us all to consider.

I really object to this. This is a true cheep shot. You have no right at all to judge whether I am fit for marriage or not. You should be ashamed of that comment. I came on this forum seeking peaceful advice and not scorn. I am truly hurt by this.

Please understand that this wasn’t meant at all as a judgement or a putdown. It may come across as harsh as the nature of this type of communication can be. It was meant to be a reminder that sex is not the measurement of a marriage. Love is. While no one here likely thinks more about the importance of sex than I do, I became aware of the value of love very late in the game. Hormones are a strange lot, but it is the way we are.

As a suggestion, you could pick up a copy of any of the Theology of the Body books and get a deeper appreciation of the gift (or as it seems sometimes, “curse”) of being male and female.

 

[Jesuslives]

Hello!

It has been a while since I posted here, but I am back and in need of some help. My wife and I were celibate prior to marriage…for five years. During that time, we began the study of Theology of the Body and quickly determined that a life without birth control was the life we wanted. We then looked for information about NFP, and settled on the Creighton Model.

After getting married in February, we stared practicing NFP and I have to say that I love the way that it works. If you follow the teaching, you avoid pregnancy…simple as that. So, I no problem with the function.

My question surrounds my wife’s cycle. Due to some condition that we have not yet nailed down, she has a VERY limited amount of time in which we can have sex and not get pregnant. This is limiting our sexual activity to about twice a month. I am not selfish about this, and have accepted it. However, it is starting to cause some issues between us. My wife is very frustrated with it, and I am getting there as well. What I am asking for here is some kind of hope that things get better. We have both been praying and attending mass regularly, and we have been trying other ways of being affectionate. However, our lack of a sex life is really killing our marriage and we are starting to fight a lot.

Is there something we can do and still be within church teaching?

Help…please.

Did you all ever consider just not being so strict on it and open yourselves up to having children? If she has that many issues with her cycle, she may be running out of time anyway.