NFP leading to marriage break-up

[samovila]

God bless you, Agatha Lucy! May He give you the strength you need to make it through this.

HOLY FAMILY OF NAZARETH, make our family one with you. Help us to be instruments of peace. Grant that love, strengthened by grace, may prove mightier than all the weaknesses and trials through which our families sometimes pass. May we always have God at the center of our hearts and homes until we are all one family, happy and at peace in our true home with you. Amen.

 

[budgie2]

Last weekend my husband of nearly 15 years announced that he was very unhappy and felt trapped.

As things have unfolded over the last few days, it emerges that a major factor for him is his frustration with using NFP and having our marital relations curtailed in that way. A bigger issue is that he feels I’m ‘too religious’ and ‘too square’ in that I disapprove of him staying out late and getting drunk (not that he does that very often, in fairness).

We have four children and his view is that we’ve done our but about being open to life and in his ideal scenario he would have me go on the pill (a non-abortifacient version).

There’s no way I can agree to that but I’m very afraid that this might be the end of our marriage. I’m tempted to soften my attitude towards, erm, other ways of giving him release during my fertile period.

That is not what I would want in an ideal world, but neither do I want to bring up four children on my own…

The pill is the worst form of contraception and is an anabolic steroid and would turn you in to a junky. It’d be better if he had a vasectomy or if you used condom and diaphragm.

The greatest commandment is this: “Love your neighbour as yourself”, but don’t go on the pill as it also contains male sex hormones.

 

[budgie2]

Thought about it twice. Depends if he’s already having an affair or if he has has played away in the past, in which case dump him and don’t compromise yourself. If he’s been faithful so far then you need to take care of him and pamper him a bit. Fertility Awareness might be the second best choice or just plain barrier methods.

For some men, if they’re dirty, vasectomy makes it easier for them to play away. For others vasectomy is a rash decision but sometimes can keep a marriage together if your husband can’t cope with any more children. Your decision.

 

[CatofAlexandria]

… Fertility Awareness might be the second best choice or just plain barrier methods.

For some men, if they’re dirty, vasectomy makes it easier for them to play away. For others vasectomy is a rash decision but sometimes can keep a marriage together if your husband can’t cope with any more children. Your decision.

OP wants to stay faithful to Church teaching, and this is not Church teaching.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

I’ve read ‘Not Just Friends’ and it was very helpful – many thanks for the suggestion.

My husband has now given me the password to his computer, but funnily enough I don’t feel the urge to check his email or cell phone any more. Given that for a whole month I was asking him whether he was in touch with that woman, and he was denying it while he actually was, I’m past caring in some ways.

He says it’s over and that he’s even reported her email address as spam – but there’s nothing to stop her contacting him again by another means (or vice versa) and I could quite easily never find out about it.

He is now reporting with some amazement, ‘She actually thought I was going to leave you’ – so I suppose that is a good sign of sorts.

Posting this not so much for an answer as for a very weary vent.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Agatha, a comment on your last two posts. A married man has NO BUSINESS contacting another woman romantically, in any shape or form. “I just contacted her to say godbye”, “I just wanted to let her down gently”, “I just replied to her e-mail, out of politeness”, “I just this”, “I just that”, EXCUSES, EXCUSES, EXCUSES…

Your husband should make a good confession, and have his priest (and/or some other morally upright man whom your husband respects) keep an eye on him, hold him accountable, and thus help him not to slip back. It is not OK for him to ever talk to/e-mail/contact/meet that former mistress again - no excuses are acceptable.

 

[kelvinf]

Hi,

how is your situation now?

 

[nahbios]

Dear Agatha Lucy: I came across this thread only tonight - I am so sorry for the heartache you must be going through right now. You did the right thing in staying strong on your beliefs of using NFP in accordance with the openness to life as God desires to create it. I am glad that you did not compromise - that wouldn’t have been right. I only hope for your marriage and that your family will grow in love for one another through Christ.

I know that Jesus is drawing you closer to Him through this, especially as you pray. I don’t believe He made this cross for you since of course He never wills anyone to sin. Nonetheless, He will always be there to help you bear it and to help you to forgive. I have difficulties in forgiving others who have hurt me and I very much want to be able to forgive ‘from the heart’ as Christ asks us to. I know that it’s hard - very much so! The idea of forgiveness is so amazing and beyond reason, that it can surely only be Divine in origin: if someone has been wronged - sometimes greatly - they need to be humble and ask God to help them to truly forgive the other person from their heart. Yet this is exactly what we need! As Cardinal John Henry Newman wisely said, ‘God knows what He is about’.

I’ll take God’s Word into account here, along with my own difficulties on this matter, and the good advice of other posters here, and will certainly pray for you in this particular regard.

For now, I’ve lit a candle here for you and your husband. Prayers for you, him, your family, and also the other married couple involved.

Remember, O Most Gracious Virgin Mary…

Dear Saint Monica, please pray for them and all married couples in difficulties. Thank you.

God bless… :hug1:

 

[Agatha_Lucy]

Thanks for the replies, which I’ve only just seen.

Things are up and down here. My husband seems to have completely broken things off with the other woman and seems to be completely committed to the marriage.

However, to my surprise, I was suddenly really upset about it all again recently – to the point of thinking that I’d have to ask him to leave. I was struck again by the realisation that I’d never be able to trust him completely again – esp having been convinced before the affair that he would never be unfaithful.

I was also very wounded by the sense that, while I’m still grieving for what he’s thrown away, he seems to be completely over it.

We had a good conversation, though, and he opened up a little bit – that the affair was just like a stupid game that went too far. He had wanted to know that he was still attractive to women but got in too deep and things went further than he intended. Ugh and Doh.

We are now using condoms because he disagrees with the Church’s teaching on contraception – and also because he can’t have an AIDS test until 3 months after the affair. I learnt here about it being OK for me to go along with using ABC if my husband insists. It’s a relief to know that there is some sort of compromise although it’s horrible that he would want to put himself in a state of mortal sin. I’m also actually disgusted by contraception and more convinced than ever of the rightness of Church teaching.

Meanwhile my husband is talking about having another child…!

I’m trying to keep praying and trusting, though it’s hard to know why God has permitted all this.

 

[maggie2]

big hugs to you…

I think the fact that your husband needs to be cleared from STD’s makes the fact that you’re using condoms just fine.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Know that you’re in my prayers…

 

[maggie2]

I’m trying to keep praying and trusting, though it’s hard to know why God has permitted all this.

God has permitted us to have free will - He commands us not to commit adultery. The adultery was a choice made by your husband and in no way reflects what God wants for you - because God did not want us to be slaves, He allowed us to make our own decisions. Your husband made a terrible decision, but God has the power to make something good come from even such a horrible circumstance as this! Have hope and trust in Him.

 

[newbetx]

Thanks for the replies, which I’ve only just seen.

Things are up and down here. My husband seems to have completely broken things off with the other woman and seems to be completely committed to the marriage.

However, to my surprise, I was suddenly really upset about it all again recently – to the point of thinking that I’d have to ask him to leave. I was struck again by the realization that I’d never be able to trust him completely again – esp having been convinced before the affair that he would never be unfaithful.

I was also very wounded by the sense that, while I’m still grieving for what he’s thrown away, he seems to be completely over it.

We had a good conversation, though, and he opened up a little bit – that the affair was just like a stupid game that went too far. He had wanted to know that he was still attractive to women but got in too deep and things went further than he intended. Ugh and Doh.

We are now using condoms because he disagrees with the Church’s teaching on contraception – and also because he can’t have an AIDS test until 3 months after the affair. I learnt here about it being OK for me to go along with using ABC if my husband insists. It’s a relief to know that there is some sort of compromise although it’s horrible that he would want to put himself in a state of mortal sin. I’m also actually disgusted by contraception and more convinced than ever of the rightness of Church teaching.

Meanwhile my husband is talking about having another child…!

I’m trying to keep praying and trusting, though it’s hard to know why God has permitted all this.

Thank God for moving forward!

Have you looked into a support group? Has your priest suggested something. Sorry, it’s been a while since I read the thread. I’m praying you will get the help and support you need. It may seem really hard now, but the only way to really get past it is to decide to let it go.This may take a very long time. How we bind ourselves is by binding others with their offenses towards us. I in no way want to diminish what has happened, just letting you know you have a destination to journey to and you may need outside help to get there. Do you have a spiritual director?

Trust… is a choice, too. It is a matter of faith… in one’s spouse. Another thing that must be rebuilt, but it can.

Many posts back, I suggested a book on TOB. I recommend it to you not just for you, but for your husband. It opened my eyes about the sexual world quite a bit and may help your husband get back in tune with the Church. We all fail. It’s what we learn from our failures and weaknesses that makes us better.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

…he would have me go on the pill (a non-abortifacient version).

Would he want you to go on heart medication, even though there’s nothing wrong with your heart? Even though taking that medication would put you at risk for major medical problems? Would he start ingesting testosterone on a daily basis, just for the heck of it, even if there was nothing wrong with him, knowing that it poses serious health risks? There are plenty of people who would never take the pill, not because or a pro-life/open to life belief system, but because they would never ingest such powerful chemicals on such a regular basis unless there was no other option. Maybe, at least for the birth control issue, dh needs to understand that he is asking you to do something that is not just immoral, but potentially dangerous to your health.

I agree with the others though, that the birth control issue is likely one symptom and not the problem. Praying for you both.

EDITED TO ADD: Oops, I’m sorry, I posted without reading the whole thread. I still didn’t get through the entire thing, so I don’t know if my reply is of any use at this point. Still praying for you though.