NFP leading to marriage break-up

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Agatha_Lucy

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Last weekend my husband of nearly 15 years announced that he was very unhappy and felt trapped.

As things have unfolded over the last few days, it emerges that a major factor for him is his frustration with using NFP and having our marital relations curtailed in that way. A bigger issue is that he feels I’m ‘too religious’ and ‘too square’ in that I disapprove of him staying out late and getting drunk (not that he does that very often, in fairness).

We have four children and his view is that we’ve done our but about being open to life and in his ideal scenario he would have me go on the pill (a non-abortifacient version).

There’s no way I can agree to that but I’m very afraid that this might be the end of our marriage. I’m tempted to soften my attitude towards, erm, other ways of giving him release during my fertile period.

That is not what I would want in an ideal world, but neither do I want to bring up four children on my own…
 
My understanding is that it would be your sin to go on the pill, but his sin to contracept through other means such as a condom, even if you were not to prevent him from doing so, since it is his decision and not yours. As long as you make your views known, I believe it is acceptable to go along with him in such a case. There was a post about this on Ask An Apologist awhile ago, I think.
 
the issue is not NFP and not religion it goes much deeper to fundamental agreement in the values by which you will live and raise your family–values that should have been enunciated and agreed on before the wedding. but it is not to late, same old answer, counselling, but forcing one person to act in the way demanded is only going to last for a week or so. the mental and emotional gymnastics you have to go through to give in on something that is a deeply held conviction will do far more damage to the relationship in the long run. you both need help and need it now to identify and address the real issues before the bedroom becomes your boxing ring
 
Agatha_Lucy said:
Last weekend my husband of nearly 15 years announced that he was very unhappy and felt trapped.

As things have unfolded over the last few days, it emerges that a major factor for him is his frustration with using NFP and having our marital relations curtailed in that way.
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NFP is not leading to the break up of your marriage. Your husband’s character is leading to the breakup of your marriage.

Has he always been hostile to the faith? Is he a Catholic? Is he practicing and was he practicing when you married?

It is not Church teaching, or NFP, that is putting a strain on your marriage. It is your husband embracing secular values and rejecting holiness that is putting a strain on your marriage.
Agatha_Lucy said:
A bigger issue is that he feels I’m ‘too religious’ and ‘too square’ in that I disapprove of him staying out late and getting drunk (not that he does that very often, in fairness).
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Wow, is he a man or a 18 year old? He sound really immature. A man with four children is upset because his wife sees a problem with him staying out late and getting drunk.

Again, it’s not YOU that is the problem here.
Agatha_Lucy said:
We have four children and his view is that we’ve done our but about being open to life and in his ideal scenario he would have me go on the pill (a non-abortifacient version).
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Which of course is a grave moral offense and so not possible.

You are responsible for you. You must not sin. If he sins, you cannot stop that. But you must be strong and strive always for holiness.
Agatha_Lucy said:
There’s no way I can agree to that but I’m very afraid that this might be the end of our marriage.
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Did you really have a marriage if he would leave you over this?
Agatha_Lucy said:
I’m tempted to soften my attitude towards, erm, other ways of giving him release during my fertile period.
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That would also be a gravely immoral act and a mortal sin. Do not be tempted into sin. Never do evil in the hope that good will come from it. It will never lead to anything good.
Agatha_Lucy said:
That is not what I would want in an ideal world, but neither do I want to bring up four children on my own…
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Of course you don’t want your marriage to break up. If he makes choices that go against God, you cannot stop him. But, if you make choices that go against God only YOU will be standing in front of Jesus on judgment day. Remember, Jesus said it’s better to go into the kingdom mamed than be tossed into the fires. So, while you should do everything you can to save your marriage, that “everything” cannot include sin. Get that out of your head right now.

It really all boils down to whether your husband is a man of faith, but struggling, or if he’s not a man of faith. The former is much easier to work with. If he rejects the Church and her teachings, and has only been reluctantly going along with NFP, then you shouldn’t be surprised by this. If he is a man of faith who understands what grave sin contraception is, but is struggling, then perhaps counseling with a holy priest or reading together some of the Church’s teaching can get him back on track.
 
phoooiee said:
My understanding is that it would be your sin to go on the pill, but his sin to contracept through other means such as a condom, even if you were not to prevent him from doing so, since it is his decision and not yours. As long as you make your views known, I believe it is acceptable to go along with him in such a case. There was a post about this on Ask An Apologist awhile ago, I think.
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Here are a couple of Ask An Apologist answers that support this answer:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=135215
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=70098
 
puzzleannie said:
the issue is not NFP and not religion it goes much deeper to fundamental agreement in the values by which you will live and raise your family–values that should have been enunciated and agreed on before the wedding. but it is not to late, same old answer, counselling, but forcing one person to act in the way demanded is only going to last for a week or so. the mental and emotional gymnastics you have to go through to give in on something that is a deeply held conviction will do far more damage to the relationship in the long run. you both need help and need it now to identify and address the real issues before the bedroom becomes your boxing ring
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Ditto…
1ke said:
NFP is not leading to the break up of your marriage. Your husband’s character is leading to the breakup of your marriage.

Has he always been hostile to the faith? Is he a Catholic? Is he practicing and was he practicing when you married?

It is not Church teaching, or NFP, that is putting a strain on your marriage. It is your husband embracing secular values and rejecting holiness that is putting a strain on your marriage.

Wow, is he a man or a 18 year old? He sound really immature. A man with four children is upset because his wife sees a problem with him staying out late and getting drunk.

Again, it’s not YOU that is the problem here.

Which of course is a grave moral offense and so not possible.

You are responsible for you. You must not sin. If he sins, you cannot stop that. But you must be strong and strive always for holiness.

Did you really have a marriage if he would leave you over this?

That would also be a gravely immoral act and a mortal sin. Do not be tempted into sin. Never do evil in the hope that good will come from it. It will never lead to anything good.

Of course you don’t want your marriage to break up. If he makes choices that go against God, you cannot stop him. But, if you make choices that go against God only YOU will be standing in front of Jesus on judgment day. Remember, Jesus said it’s better to go into the kingdom mamed than be tossed into the fires. So, while you should do everything you can to save your marriage, that “everything” cannot include sin. Get that out of your head right now.

It really all boils down to whether your husband is a man of faith, but struggling, or if he’s not a man of faith. The former is much easier to work with. If he rejects the Church and her teachings, and has only been reluctantly going along with NFP, then you shouldn’t be surprised by this. If he is a man of faith who understands what grave sin contraception is, but is struggling, then perhaps counseling with a holy priest or reading together some of the Church’s teaching can get him back on track.
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Double Ditto…

BTW - does a non-abortifacient version of the pill even truly exist?.. 🤷
 
My prayers are with you AgathaLucy,stick to your guns in following what is right and moral–as the saying goes -“let sin into your home and happiness flies out of the window”!
Is your husband open to seek or advise from a priest or a good Natural Planning Teacher?

The reason being is that speaking from a male perspective;there will always be times when a woman is not available to forfill the urges that men experience.But that is self control that is required of a husband,you are not an object ;but a person-made in the image and likeness of God.

Speaking in general terms, a husband and wife have to curtail sexual intimacy; such as in sickness,child birth,separation due to work etc.You are not being too “religious” just doing what the Catholic Church expects from you.At this stage you have good reasons for not wanting to bring another child into this world;as your marriage is going through a hard time.But hopefully with the grace of God,this sorrow will pass.There are and will be better posters that can give you good advise; but I will pray to Jesus,Mary & Joseph-the Holy family for your family and also to St.Gianna Molla.God Bless your Family…
 
Have you always used NFP? or is this something new in the relationship?
Not that it matter a whole lot at this point but, maybe he just needs time to adjust.
 
Thanks for your answers and thanks most of all for your prayers. If any good can be said of this mess, it’s certainly getting me praying.

We were both practising Catholics when we were married, both fully committed to using NFP and both quite ‘keen’. (We’re both converts, more or less.)

Obviously there’s more to it than I mentioned in my first post, but the NFP issue seems to be a major bugbear for my husband. He’s been going through some sort of crisis of faith for several years. He still goes to Mass but he has no prayer life that I know of and has major doubts. I’m sure a lot of it stems from his frustration with NFP that he finds arbitrary (as opposed to using ABC).

Another major factor is that he’s a workaholic – working from about 7am till 8 pm, then coming home and working some more on his computer. He even takes time off work ‘to catch up on work’!!! He can’t or won’t see that that is a major part of the problem. He complains that he finds family life ‘boring’. Well, so do I sometimes, but we just have to get on with it…
 
Many people find NFP to be a major obstacle in marriage, but don’t look closely enough to see that NFP isn’t the ACTUAL problem. NFP is like a canary in a coal mine (Toxic air in a coal mine kills a canary faster than it kills a human, so it gives the miners enough warning to get HELP before it kills THEM). If NFP is intolerable to one or both spouses, stopping it and using condoms will be as effective as putting a blanket over the dead canary’s cage.

Something is going on in your marriage. Something that will prove toxic to it if you don’t take action. Sadly, I’m not qualified to give you the help you need. Hopefully somebody around here can point you towards some good catholic marriage counseling (because ‘bad’ catholic marriage counseling is worse than none at all!).
 
So sorry you’re going through this tough situation. I wonder why husbands like this (who no longer wish to follow the teachings of the Church) don’t just get a vasectomy instead of whining to the wife.
 
manualman said:
Many people find NFP to be a major obstacle in marriage, but don’t look closely enough to see that NFP isn’t the ACTUAL problem. NFP is like a canary in a coal mine (Toxic air in a coal mine kills a canary faster than it kills a human, so it gives the miners enough warning to get HELP before it kills THEM). If NFP is intolerable to one or both spouses, stopping it and using condoms will be as effective as putting a blanket over the dead canary’s cage.

Something is going on in your marriage. Something that will prove toxic to it if you don’t take action. Sadly, I’m not qualified to give you the help you need. Hopefully somebody around here can point you towards some good catholic marriage counseling (because ‘bad’ catholic marriage counseling is worse than none at all!).
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What a great analogy! Thank you for sharing that.

Agatha Lucy, Please forgive me if I’m off base here, but are you sure of your husband’s fidelity? Long work hours coupled with his sudden change of heart with NFP makes me wonder if he isn’t comparing you to another woman or trying to find ways to blame you for his interest in someone else who is in his mind more exciting sexually.
 
Ma’am, I am so sorry for this! This is so sad to hear.

I assure you that your not alone in the situation.Talk to a counselor, one who can understand and appreciate your situation.

In regards to a previous post-I don’t think it’s fair to accuse the husband the husband of being unfaithful-that is such a serious charge! It’s one thing to be bored with a marriage (hey, life happens, you need to work that out) and quite another to jump to that conclusion.

Again, Your not alone-no, no, no. I’m sure there are others.

I don’t think its JUST about NFP, but that could be something serious.

Once again, I’m so sorry.
 
I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. I’m concerned with the blame he is putting on you along with his workload and nights (although infrequent from what you say) out.

I agree that NFP isn’t the real issue here. At the very least, he has difficulty communicating his real emotions and feelings. I, like a previous poster, am very concerned about his lack of commitment to you and his family and wonder if he is interested in another woman.

I don’t want to say he is having an affair, but it sure seems like he is on a slippery slope that could result in one in the near future. Blaming you, with what seems to be hostility, is what leads me to believe that there might be someone (another woman) or something (alcohol) that has piqued his interest.

If he was truly struggling with the NFP, he would come to you with care and concern about it. But that care and concern is lacking, so that is a red flag to me.

I would suggest that you do some snooping, maybe even hire a PI. There’s keylogger for personal computers (not work computers) and voice activated recorders (VAR) for in the car or home office. Also, check his cell phone.

Spouse’s don’t usually jump up and give their mates grief like that, especially saying they are “bored with family life”.

In the meantime, you have to ask some questions like “What do you feel we can do to alleviate the boredom as a couple? As a family? What do you need from me as a wife? What are your top 3 to 5 needs/wants? How can we spend more recreational time together, you and me? What type of recreational companionship do you want?” etc

Then follow up with his suggestions. Be open, loving and listen.

I don’t know if he drinks often (say every day). You’ll have to determine what is really going on in his life. If it really is just his driving addiction to work, then you’ll have to figure if that’s the case. (He very well could be feeling intense internal pressure to provide more for his family. He might be in fear of losing his job or under performing). But rule out any outside forces that may be at play in your marriage.

Keep on with your Faith. I’m keeping you and your family in my prayers.
 
I’ve asked him, and he’s said he hasn’t been unfaithful. I do believe him. Maybe I’m a mug!

He agrees that way back when, we were both as committed as each other and we were both equally committed to NFP. I think the crisis stems from a build-up of years of frustration – plus other factors such as getting older, work pressure, etc.

Thank you so much, again, for the prayers.
 
Agatha_Lucy said:
I’ve asked him, and he’s said he hasn’t been unfaithful. I do believe him. Maybe I’m a mug!

He agrees that way back when, we were both as committed as each other and we were both equally committed to NFP. I think the crisis stems from a build-up of years of frustration – plus other factors such as getting older, work pressure, etc.

Thank you so much, again, for the prayers.
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Your probably right about the commitment/build up thing.

By the way-believe your husband until he gives you a reason not too. I find it spooky that people sometimes jump to the conclusion of infidelity.

Your family is in my prayers.
 
Rascalking said:
Your probably right about the commitment/build up thing.

By the way-believe your husband until he gives you a reason not too. I find it spooky that people sometimes jump to the conclusion of infidelity.

Your family is in my prayers.
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Maybe some of us have experienced the trauma and pain of infidelity. Rarely does a wayward spouse come out and admit it when asked. Especially when there’s a handful of children at home, kinda interrupts the fantasy of it all. Nothing spooky about it. Unfortunately, just experience speaking. And I also gave two other possible scenarios and told her to to delve deeper. Something’s definitely off if she’s already asked her husband if he’s been unfaithful.

Agatha, only you know what cues or signals were/are happening to make you ask him such a question. Go with your gut instinct and do some investigating.

Hopefully, it’s nothing more than work pressure combined with an intense desire to provide for his family, along with feelings that he’s getting older.

Don’t assume anything.
 
Men don’t always manifest sexual frustration in adultery. Some men don’t even realize that porn and/or masturbation are forms of unfaithfulness.

For me, the key to survivng NFP was to realize that the difficulty I had during abstinance times wasn’t God’s fault or NFP’s fault. It was MY fault for having a selfish approach to sex. If he has never had that AHA! moment, I can certainly see how much that frustration can build over the years. But it’s still a canary. It isn’t the problem itself, it is an indicator of a deeper problem. Buy him the book. (Christopher West)
 
Theology of the Body for Beginners by West

I’d very much suggest Matthew Kelly’s “Seven Levels of Intimacy”

Most importantly, start praying together.

Night Prayer is a good way to begin.

www.divineoffice.org
 
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