Well, I am a mug.
Tonight I found out that my husband has been having an affair for the last month. I am absolutely devastated.
If anyone could spare a prayer, I’ll be – literally – eternally grateful. I don’t know what to do.
After reading the responses of other Catholics here, as a convert to the faith who experienced infidelity in a M that practiced NFP, I backed off from your post thinking that something must be wrong with me. Everyone seemed so taken aback by what I said.
I’m here, to let you know that this is not your fault. Again, everything about investigating that I mentioned before, I still would recommend you follow up with, unless your H is being open and honest. (However, we rarely get the truth on discovery day --DDay)
That said, the first thing you need to do is breathe. Just breathe. You’re a homeschooling mom, so you aren’t going to get a break. You’ve got to take care of yourself. Since it’s likely you can’t even eat right now, please at least sip on a nutritional supplement like Ensure. Keep hydrated.
Cut out all of his overtime now. Have him take full care of the kids in the evening. Even if he still is in the A. He has a responsibility to his children by law. He’s more than just a paycheck. And if he can find time to have an A, he can certainly do his part with his children.
Again, you will only be able to keep a happy face for the kids for so long each day. I had 6 young kids when I found out. It took all I could just to get through the day caring for and teaching them. My H had to quit a second job so I could go and “vegetate” in the evening. All of a sudden, he found himself taking care of everything in the evening…meals, kids, etc. People might think I was horrible for that, but I really needed time to process what had happened and I just didn’t have anymore to give by evening. Also, I told my H he better get used to working with his children because if our marriage didn’t work out, then he’d be doing the “evening” work on days and weekends when he had the kids anyway. So he needed to learn. I told him it also would help him rebuild and repair the damage he’d done to his relationship with his kids (neglecting family in pursuit of someone else).
I don’t know if I’d recommend that you even speak to your priest. I don’t know what type of Catholics are in your area. My area is pro-contraception, so when I went to my priest for advice, I got chastised for the number of children I had and he told me to go on the pill. If your priest is supportive of marriage and natural child spacing within Church teachings, then it will likely be of comfort to confide in him. If you’re going to get harassed for having 4 kids or practicing NFP, spare yourself the additional pain.
I used Greg Popcak for my counselor. My H refused counseling. However, when choosing a counselor, you’ll want someone who is well grounded in the Faith. Also, you don’t want any marriage counselor, you’ll want one who specializes in infidelity. (Again, and preferably a Catholic who follows Church teaching.) I know Dr Popcak’s crew offers marriage counseling too. They also used to teleconference. You should check his site out.
Unfortunately, you’ll have to get tested for STD’s. Don’t take your husbands word on the time frame of the affair right now. This is all too soon. And since he wants to go to MC alone, it’s likely you don’t have the full truth. Protect yourself.
Another thing I would recommend, is that you consult an attorney about your rights, child support, child visitation etc. I’m not saying that this means you have to get divorced, but that you need to know what the court expects from you and your H. It’s going to take both of you to work at reconciling the marriage. If he refuses, you won’t want to be in a position of financial and legal weakness.
I can only share with you that I understand how much pain you are in. When I first found out and for a long time after, I felt like my life was a lie. We hear that NFP makes better marriages, has a low divorce rate, improves communication, etc and then some of us find ourselves dealing with a horrific betrayal. It just hurts more. Even for married couples that contracept, an affair is horrific. But I think that with couples who practice NFP, an affair intensifies the betrayal.
Know this my sister in Christ, you are being carried by our Lord right now. Through all of the loneliness, despair, anger, hurt, betrayal, confusion…He is holding you close and keeping you in His Sacred Heart.
You can get through this. Step by step. I’m keeping you, your husband and your children in my prayers. May Mama Mary wrap you in her protective mantle.
((((((AgathaLucy))))))
, but not in the frustrating way it used to.
That makes sense of his wanting to go to marriage counseling alone. I pray that you will work through this.