NFP & Newlyweds

[Rach620]

Is it morally licit for a couple to marry with the intention of using NFP to avoid pregnancy at the very beginning of their marriage (of course with the understanding that children will come–eventually)?

I understand that *Humanae Vitae *and John Paul II’s explanation of it in his theology of the body permit periodic continence so as to avoid pregnancy ‘for serious reasons’ within marriage. My question is more–is this a reason for pushing back the wedding date?

This stems from my reading of JP II’s 105th Wednesday audience in the theology of the body. I had always heard that the question which the couple is asked at their wedding was “Will you accept children lovingly from God and raise them to be faithful to Christ and His Church?”, but John Paul records it as “Are you ready to accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the Law of Christ and his Church?”

We’re willing, but not quite everything is in place to be ready by the time we’re married–we’ll be finishing our last semester of undergrad.

Any insights?

 

[kittery]

The phrase that you’re referring to, “Are you ready to accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the Law of Christ and his Church?”, is not an official church teaching or a commandment. It’s the way he worded a sentence in a general audience talk, correct? And besides, even if this was the way the question is posed at the altar, I would say that to answer “YES”, doesn’t mean that you have to be ready to get pregnant on your honeymoon. You should however, be able to say that, “Yes, I am ready to accept this vocation as a married person who hopes for and will willingly accept children whenever God sends them to me.”

The question, “Will you accept children…?”, when posed at the altar is more of a commissioning of the couple. A “sending out”, if you will. I think of it as framing the context of the union itself. Openness to life is an essential part of the framework of a healthy marriage.

In reading Humanae Vitae, JP II states, “If therefore there are well-grounded reasons for spacing births, arising from the physical or psychological condition of husband or wife, or from external circumstances, the Church teaches that married people may then take advantage of the natural cycles immanent in the reproductive system and engage in marital intercourse only during those times that are infertile, thus controlling birth in a way which does not in the least offend the moral principles…”

I would reason that the church has no objection to a couple using NFP at the start of their marriage-- especially since most parishes require education in the method several months in advance of the wedding date. Why would they require a couple to get educated in it if the expectation is that newlyweds would be immoral to use it? :ehh:

I would give you one word of advice/caution. And that is that if you expect perfect results, if you haven’t already, start learning the method now and use all of the time between now and your wedding date to learn your cycle. It takes more than a couple of months to be able to see variations that you may have within each individual cycle. And props to you for wanting to be so well prepared!

Congratulations on your engagement, and your upcoming nuptials! What a beautiful time this is in your life!

 

[1ke]

Rachel,

You’ll get both opinions here on this subject.

The thing to remember is that the Church doesn’t define just reasons for us-- it requires that we discern this for ourselves using the objective moral criteria of the Faith to do so. You and your fiance are the only ones who can judge if it would be a serious temptation to sin if you continue dating and postpone marriage. Only you and your fiance can determine if, at any given time, you think you have a just reason to avoid or if you are OK with a pregnancy.

As to JP’s question-- it is valid. Any time you are having sex you need to be ready to accept a child. You can use NFP to avoid, and it is very effective for this purpose, but you must still be ready and willing to accept a child should you have user or method failure when trying to avoid.

 

[kevinsgirl]

You’ll hear different opinions, but finishing your education is usually considered a legitimate reason to postpone having children by using NFP.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

The beauty of NFP is that the couple uses God’s laws of nature to space their children. And so they keep God as the Master of that Equation. If God has a different plan, then the couple will conceive in spite of the most careful use of NFP. And they will know that they are working WITH God, not against Him. There is peace in that. We are not omniscient.

Saying that, it is right and responsible as a future parent to ensure that you are able to earn a living to support those children should something happen to your spouse. So your plan to delay children for a little while is not selfish or evil. It is your attempt to be judicious and responsible. And you will not resent them for “preventing you from getting your degree.”

But if God does send a baby anyway, you will use your God-given intelligence to work with His new and better plan, right? Because the first thing you need to know about marriage and life is that your plans will never go how you think they should.

Life will intervene, literally and figuratively. NFP is your way of saying to each other and the world that you recognize that and accept it. And that you are co-Creators with God.

Good luck. And take those classes so you can learn the method and know it before the wedding! It may even spotlight fertility problems you have now that you are unaware of and allow you to treat them before they get worse.

 

[manualman]

God gives the answer (IMO) within the very bodies of man and woman. Some animals are hormonally wired such that they have no sexual activity except when the female is fertile. Humans are not like that. The human female may have a reduced sexual interest during infertile times, but if in the right emotional state can still become aroused and enjoy it fully!

This is a physical manifestation of the fact that human sexuality has both a proceative AND a unitive function. God made it possible for the couple to mutually enjoy sex during non-fertile times. Just because there are temporary external constraints that seem to make it not yet prudent to have a child doesn’t mean that the couple can’t benefit from the unitive aspect of their marriage. They just can’t willfully SEVER the procreative aspect of their sexual union (contraceptives), because doing so inadvertantly also damages the unitive nature.

 

[revelations]

The beauty of NFP is that the couple uses God’s laws of nature to space their children. And so they keep God as the Master of that Equation. If God has a different plan, then the couple will conceive in spite of the most careful use of NFP. And they will know that they are working WITH God, not against Him. There is peace in that. We are not omniscient.

That paragraph is the best way i’ve ever heard it described.Brings a little tear to my eye, Cheers!

 

[kaj3]

We asked a very orthodox priest this same question before we became engaged. He told us that it was okay and we went bought the rings! I would recommend that you seek out advice from a priest whose judgement you trust to give you both peace of heart.

Just to add an anecdote along the same lines of what a pp said, in our situation, we were using NFP, had a hiccup month 3-4 months into our marriage and started our family much, much sooner than we had planned. Although it was scary at the time, God worked everything out PERFECTLY and we’ve never looked back. It truly is a great comfort and peace to know that you’re open to life and working in cooperation with God’s great plan.

 

[John_Kippley]

As I see it, the problem is not with using chaste NFP for a last semester of college. The problem arises when the one party --say the husband – decides to go on to graduate school for several years with the plan that the wife will work and remain childless for those years. In my opinion, even when there are good reasons for postponing pregnancy when they first marry, couples ought to be seeking pregnancy shortly after their first anniversary so they have a baby by their second anniversary. An esteemed canon lawyer who worked in the Vatican and handled annulments wrote once that the problem in the troubled marriages that came to his attention is that the spouses focused on each other too long and then started seeing their pimples instead of their beautiful blue eyes, etc. Marriage is for family.

If NFP classes are not convenient for you, you can self-instruct yourselves by downloading, for free, the NFP Manual at our website.

John F. Kippley
NFP International
www.NFPandmore.org

 

[TIME]

As I see it, the problem is not with using chaste NFP for a last semester of college. The problem arises when the one party --say the husband – decides to go on to graduate school for several years with the plan that the wife will work and remain childless for those years. In my opinion, even when there are good reasons for postponing pregnancy when they first marry, couples ought to be seeking pregnancy shortly after their first anniversary so they have a baby by their second anniversary. An esteemed canon lawyer who worked in the Vatican and handled annulments wrote once that the problem in the troubled marriages that came to his attention is that the spouses focused on each other too long and then started seeing their pimples instead of their beautiful blue eyes, etc. Marriage is for family.

If NFP classes are not convenient for you, you can self-instruct yourselves by downloading, for free, the NFP Manual at our website.

John F. Kippley
NFP International
www.NFPandmore.org

John Paul II also says that if the only reason a couple is having sex is to transmit life, then they may be in danger of using each other rather than loving each other (see Love & Responsibility p. 233).

Graduate School is just an example I know, but their are no Church guidelines as to when to start your family. Some appropriate reasons for delaying having children could be, getting to know your spouse better is one, not saying marriage is a trial relationship, but you’re not going to be a student for the rest of your life. Paying down some debt, is another, saving for a 3000sqft house, buying a $40,000 car, is probably not the best of reasons, but again no Church laws, about using NFP and delaying children 4-5yrs.

 

[Sure]

One thing to consider is that if your reason is serious enough to avoid having children for a time, perhaps it is serious enough to postpone getting married for a time.

As John Kippley said, “Marriage is for Family.” If you’re not able to welcome a baby, then maybe it would be prudent to wait to contract a marriage.

 

[TIME]

One thing to consider is that if your reason is serious enough to avoid having children for a time, perhaps it is serious enough to postpone getting married for a time.

As John Kippley said, “Marriage is for Family.” If you’re not able to welcome a baby, then maybe it would be prudent to wait to contract a marriage.

Hmmm, this is almost like saying that couples who are baron or infertile are some how sub-par and may not be worthy of the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

No, that’s not what is meant by that quote. A barren couple is open to children and has entered marriage with the idea they would welcome a child if one miraculously was conceived.

What the poster was saying was that if a couple isn’t ready to have children for several years when they are planning their marriage, maybe there are other issues there they should look at because maybe they are not truly ready or truly suited for each other. (And quite frankly, when I see couples who have “agreed” to postpone children, there is usually one party that is way more against children than the other. And the more agreeable person is taking a public stance to show an outward display of harmony, but deep down, would rather have a child sooner rather than later. As time goes by, that harmony tends to crack and the outward display becomes apparent as the farce it really was all along.)

When the couple that is postponing children gets married anyway, that issue is still there. And the spouse who really wants them sooner tends to hang in there hoping the other will change their mind. Whereas, if they hadn’t exchanged vows, that spouse may have been free to break up and find someone else.

So that’s kind of why it is better to postpone a wedding. Sometimes the real issues have a way of coming out during that interim period.

Another thought to consider that Kippley seemed to suggest is that if there REALLY was a SERIOUS reason why a baby would not be affordable or supportable or truly welcome (finances, health, location, etc.) then it is best to postpone the marriage so that no pregnancy would occur. Both ABC and NFP can produce children under the most careful of use. If a couple really should postpone children for that serious a reason at the beginning of the marriage, then don’t be in such a hurry to marry.

And the need to postpone pregnancy like that often leads a couple to justify ABC, which is not a good way to start out a marriage. It’s building it on a foundation that is cracked at the center.

 

[Rach620]

Thanks for everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut.

We ourselves have talked about this for quite awhile, having been studying Love and Responsibility, all of John Paul’s theology of the body audiences, Humanae Vitae, etc.

In discerning when to get engaged and when to get married, we have always been incredibly open and honest with assessing when we foresee being able to support a child, and making sense of that in the light of our own relationship discernment. It seems like this is exactly what the Church’s teaching on marriage requires of spouses–an open, generous attitude.

We do NOT plan on using NFP indefinitely to avoid pregnancy, but we are certain that it would be prudent to avoid for that first semester. It would *not *be impossible for us to accept a child lovingly at that point–I will be working full time during the fall, and we both will be working after we graduate, for a time before we start school. We have savings to fall back on and will have medical insurance. In the best interest of our family, though, we believe it is prudent to wait to have a baby until we are at a more stable point.

At this point I am planning on going to grad school, and am actively exploring different schools’ maternity policies and trying to find an environment that, at the very least, isn’t hostile to young families. Children will be a part of our life together, and we are not afraid of that, even ‘so soon’…we are quite excited to set an example of courageous, life-giving love in our often pessimistic world!

I was curious as to what people thought about avoiding pregnancy at the beginning of marriage mostly out of curiosity. I have heard many posters on here talk about how NFP affects the wedding night or the honeymoon, and in the light of John Paul’s translation of the wedding vows, it seems like there might be some opposition to that tendency (ie, “Why didn’t you just wait longer to get married if you were going to need to use NFP?”).

As 1ke alluded to, I don’t think this takes into account that marriage is primarily about the good of the spouses. (I don’t mean for that to come off as ‘selfish’ or anything–in our premarital counseling, this has been stressed to us.) It simply would not be good for us to stretch out our engagement past the 2-year point, or extend our pre-marital relationship past the 4-year mark. This isn’t *just *about protecting our chastity, but about our need for sacramental grace and beginning our life together.

In the end, I think that the ability to have a child without ending up on the street is a requirement for marriage, but that it is within the couple’s prudential judgment, informed by an attitude of openness, generosity, and understanding, to determine when they should best begin their family.